As a woman...as a single woman...as a single college-aged female (try saying that five times fast) I receive so much "encouragement" from individuals who are happily dating and married that I often feel like I'm drowning in a sea of single-sympathy. Sympathy? Whoops, I meant encouragement.
Whether you've been to a singles Bible study or watched one too many Disney movies, women have been ingrained with the belief that there is a prince charming out there for them and he WILL get here eventually. "You just have to be patient and wait." Well, one impatient single to another, waiting sucks. I'm not a patient person by nature, and while I'm not chasing after men or whining about riding solo, being content as a single all the time is hard. If all I have to do is wait, do you think that maybe Prince Charming could put his little horse in gear and show up already? I mean, why isn't he here yet?
I recently had a lovely discussion with a fellow single friend of mine (let's call her "June"), and we pondered this very question. She joked (at least, I hope it was a joke) that the reason why her Prince hasn't arrived yet is because he's either dead or he just doesn't exist. Now, while such pessimism is morbidly humorous to think about, it's not terribly encouraging or creative. So, to be a bit more on the optimistic side (this is a stretch for me, I know), if you are also waiting on your prince, here are six more hopeful (and exciting) reasons why he may be a little late in sweeping you off your feet. Don't get mad, just hear the guy out...he's had a crazy time getting to you.
1. He's stuck in traffic...on a bridge...in Cincinnati....and it's hailing.
Hey, give the guy a break. It's not like those knightly horses come with roll cages or sun roofs, and just imagine how loud that hail is on his shiny armor. Poor guy is probably going deaf as I am typing this.
2. He was hit by a bus while saving a basket of kittens.
Don't worry about the kittens folks. Upon further inspection, as the incapacitated hero was being wheeled away on a stretcher it was discovered that the basket contained not kittens by seven-and-a-half pairs of woolen socks. Seven-and-a-half, you say? Yeah, it's a good thing they weren't really kittens cause that missing sock...yeah, well he didn't make it.
3. He got lost.
Let's face it, there is at least one ounce of truth behind every stereotype, and guys aren't celebrated for their uncanny sense of direction (nope, those would be birds). Heck, why do you think NASCAR is so popular among the male species? They can drive as fast as they'd like without the fear of getting pulled over OR getting lost. Get comfy ladies, cause if your prince falls into the typical male stereotype, he's not asking for directions anytime soon.
4. Both of his legs are broken.
This injury may have been sustained as your hero valiantly jumped in front of an oncoming bus in an attempt to save a basket of socks. Currently, he is attempting to crawl his way towards you from a different continent. What about his horse, you ask? Have you ever tried riding a knightly steed without the use of your legs? Well, it's not as easy as it sounds...does it even sound easy? Anyway, bad news is that this crawling process might take a while. But, on the bright side, he'll be ripped when he gets here (what girl doesn't want her man to have to-die-for arm muscles...).
5. He's a member of an organization that values it's privacy, and he's having a hard time leaving said group...
The CIA, KKK, the Illuminati, the Boy Scouts of America...take your pick. Once you're in the family, you can't ever leave (blood in, blood out or something "gangsterish" like that). The society he is involved with needs him so much (let's face it, your prince has got some skills) that they don't want him to leave. He's having some problems entering into early retirement and it may be several more weeks, months, or even years until you see his knight in shining face. But ladies, just be patient, cause to this super-secret-spy knight, you're worth it.
6. He's in jail...playing monopoly...with four...teen sick children...who are orphans.
Oh c'mon now, he can't just leave the orphans! They already have abandonment issues. He has to wait until they all find good homes and are adopted by loving parents before he can leave to search for you: his love. While this might have you waiting for a bit...the plus side is that this knight is great with kids, and he'll make sure to never leave yours.
Now, I know what you're thinking, "aww, my poor knight! If I'd have known that he was going through so much to come rescue me from my fortress of singleness and solitude, I wouldn't have complained/dated jerks/taken a vow of singleness." Well ladies, it's not too late. If your guy is risking life and limb to make his way towards you, albeit it a terribly slow-going journey, I think it's not too much to ask you to try to be a little patient and content in your current single-hood. I'm not pointing fingers, this is also directed at me just as much as it is the next single chick. But, I honestly believe that if you have the desire to be married in your heart, that God will honor that (even if your Prince's journey takes a bit longer than you would like). And that, my single women, is hope, and not in the least bit overrated.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Riddle Me This Cupid
February 14th
The Day of Love
Couples Day
Singles Awareness Day
Murderous Winged Fat Baby Day
The Day 14 Guys Died
Spend Money if You Love Someone Day
PDA Plague Day
Heart Shaped Diabetes Day
The Day That Love Stood Still
...Valentine's Day.
As unorthodox (not to mention the farthest thing from politically correct) as some of these titles are, that doesn't mean they are not true. Everyone knows that the day of love can be costly, monetarily and emotionally. But, in the grand scheme of things, it's a little silly to think that one day can have such a big impact on hundreds of millions of individuals all across the world. Some love the Day of Love, and some abhor it. But, regardless of your relationship status, or your personal convictions on this day of commercialism, there are plenty of things that you can do on Valentine's Day to entertain yourself and make this day worth your time. (Please reserve all final judgements until the end of the ride, and keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times.)
1.Cliche Romance (mushy couples wanted)
"Love, Olive Garden, more love, pet names, cuddling, kissing, Walmart gifts...maybe a stuff animal or two"
This is the basic, cliched, romantic definition of Valentine's Day for happy couples (or those individuals who see this one day as an opportunity to compensate for the poor communication, lack of quality time, and missing common interests that many relationships are built on). Nothing wrong with it really. Without these individuals, who would give restaurant servers a reason to hate this holiday (or just people in general)?
2. Low Maintenance Couples (mainly geriatrics)
These individuals have a special place in my heart. Such couples, not always geriatrics (sorry for the stereotype...), don't think of Valentine's Day as a big deal and don't care too much to spend money or time furthering the Valentine's Day "racket." Most of these couples are too mature or have been together for awhile and are out of the "honeymoon phase." It doesn't mean that they're not in love, they're just at a different stage in their relationship...let's call it "cruise control." They already spend time together and don't need one day in the year to prove their undying devotion to each other (and they're the weird ones..).
3. Friend Date (singles happy riding solo)
So you're single and perfectly cool with it? Just another solo-cup in a two-liter world (not really sure where I was going with this metaphor...but the whole point was that they're cool with being alone). Awesome. Well, if you're not totally against the "holiday of love," grab your closest best friend, girl-friend, guy-friend, dog, neighbor, professor...ok, that could get a bit weird, but I think you know where I was going with this. Valentine's Day can be fun. You can use it as an excuse to get dressed up and go get some food that's reasonably priced to oh-dear-Lord-go-sell-your-car-and-first-born-child-to-pay-for-this-nine-course-meal and catch up. Talk. Eat. Have fun. Just cause you're single doesn't mean you can't take advantage of doing something special with someone you love, in an obviously platonic way.
4. Anti-Love Day (for rage-filled singles)
"Blah, blah, blah, love, throw-up, kill me now, why is everyone but me in a relationship? I'm going to die alone..." So, you're not a big fan of Cupid? You're alone and bitter? Well then, why not put all of that hate and bitterness to good use? Take this day to wallow in self-loathing, burn/destroy pictures and presents given to you by your exs, get together with fellow V-Day haters and eat junk (misery loves company, after all), or just watch sad movies and cry your eyes out. I don't blame you for not being on the best of terms with this day. Half-naked, chubby baby angels don't really do it for me either. In fact, they're kind of creepy.
5. Economical Support (aka, Being a Bra)
So you hate Valentine's Day, are single, or just don't give a (fill-in-the-blank with a socially acceptable replacement for a vulgar term that expresses strong emotion) about this "holiday?" That is ok. You can fulfill your responsibility to this sacred day of love and purchased affection (that sounds bad, doesn't it...) simply by working. Work, work, and work some more. Those plates of overpriced pasta and salad aren't going to magically serve themselves to couples practically drowning in each others eyes. Seriously, someone throw those people a buoy or some life jackets...that can't be healthy.
Well, hopefully one of these options appeals to you. I'm not terribly excited about Valentine's Day either, but there is one thing that everyone old, young, single, committed, rich, and poor can appreciate about February 14th...the fact that candy everywhere goes on sale the day after it's over. That's right folks, regardless of your personal opinions about this day, if you suffer through it, the half-priced sweets you shall be rewarded with (assuming that you buy them for yourself, as chances are no one loves you enough to buy them for you...joking, please don't be angry) are not to be ignored. Even if you're diabetic (and especially if you're a female), cheap chocolate shall never be overrated.
The Day of Love
Couples Day
Singles Awareness Day
Murderous Winged Fat Baby Day
The Day 14 Guys Died
Spend Money if You Love Someone Day
PDA Plague Day
Heart Shaped Diabetes Day
The Day That Love Stood Still
...Valentine's Day.
As unorthodox (not to mention the farthest thing from politically correct) as some of these titles are, that doesn't mean they are not true. Everyone knows that the day of love can be costly, monetarily and emotionally. But, in the grand scheme of things, it's a little silly to think that one day can have such a big impact on hundreds of millions of individuals all across the world. Some love the Day of Love, and some abhor it. But, regardless of your relationship status, or your personal convictions on this day of commercialism, there are plenty of things that you can do on Valentine's Day to entertain yourself and make this day worth your time. (Please reserve all final judgements until the end of the ride, and keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times.)
1.Cliche Romance (mushy couples wanted)
"Love, Olive Garden, more love, pet names, cuddling, kissing, Walmart gifts...maybe a stuff animal or two"
This is the basic, cliched, romantic definition of Valentine's Day for happy couples (or those individuals who see this one day as an opportunity to compensate for the poor communication, lack of quality time, and missing common interests that many relationships are built on). Nothing wrong with it really. Without these individuals, who would give restaurant servers a reason to hate this holiday (or just people in general)?
2. Low Maintenance Couples (mainly geriatrics)
These individuals have a special place in my heart. Such couples, not always geriatrics (sorry for the stereotype...), don't think of Valentine's Day as a big deal and don't care too much to spend money or time furthering the Valentine's Day "racket." Most of these couples are too mature or have been together for awhile and are out of the "honeymoon phase." It doesn't mean that they're not in love, they're just at a different stage in their relationship...let's call it "cruise control." They already spend time together and don't need one day in the year to prove their undying devotion to each other (and they're the weird ones..).
3. Friend Date (singles happy riding solo)
So you're single and perfectly cool with it? Just another solo-cup in a two-liter world (not really sure where I was going with this metaphor...but the whole point was that they're cool with being alone). Awesome. Well, if you're not totally against the "holiday of love," grab your closest best friend, girl-friend, guy-friend, dog, neighbor, professor...ok, that could get a bit weird, but I think you know where I was going with this. Valentine's Day can be fun. You can use it as an excuse to get dressed up and go get some food that's reasonably priced to oh-dear-Lord-go-sell-your-car-and-first-born-child-to-pay-for-this-nine-course-meal and catch up. Talk. Eat. Have fun. Just cause you're single doesn't mean you can't take advantage of doing something special with someone you love, in an obviously platonic way.
4. Anti-Love Day (for rage-filled singles)
"Blah, blah, blah, love, throw-up, kill me now, why is everyone but me in a relationship? I'm going to die alone..." So, you're not a big fan of Cupid? You're alone and bitter? Well then, why not put all of that hate and bitterness to good use? Take this day to wallow in self-loathing, burn/destroy pictures and presents given to you by your exs, get together with fellow V-Day haters and eat junk (misery loves company, after all), or just watch sad movies and cry your eyes out. I don't blame you for not being on the best of terms with this day. Half-naked, chubby baby angels don't really do it for me either. In fact, they're kind of creepy.
5. Economical Support (aka, Being a Bra)
So you hate Valentine's Day, are single, or just don't give a (fill-in-the-blank with a socially acceptable replacement for a vulgar term that expresses strong emotion) about this "holiday?" That is ok. You can fulfill your responsibility to this sacred day of love and purchased affection (that sounds bad, doesn't it...) simply by working. Work, work, and work some more. Those plates of overpriced pasta and salad aren't going to magically serve themselves to couples practically drowning in each others eyes. Seriously, someone throw those people a buoy or some life jackets...that can't be healthy.
Well, hopefully one of these options appeals to you. I'm not terribly excited about Valentine's Day either, but there is one thing that everyone old, young, single, committed, rich, and poor can appreciate about February 14th...the fact that candy everywhere goes on sale the day after it's over. That's right folks, regardless of your personal opinions about this day, if you suffer through it, the half-priced sweets you shall be rewarded with (assuming that you buy them for yourself, as chances are no one loves you enough to buy them for you...joking, please don't be angry) are not to be ignored. Even if you're diabetic (and especially if you're a female), cheap chocolate shall never be overrated.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Can I Get a Witness?
It's a dark, gloomy night. Five young men stand, huddled around a fallen geriatric in an abandoned parking lot. The old man is bruised and bleeding, having been knocked down and kicked by the youth who surround him. Fragments of asphalt bite into his skin as he sluggishly attempts to stand, wheezing and gasping for air. Slowly, four of the men turn and walk away, disappearing into the blackness that surrounds the dimly lit parking lot. The last youth stands for another minute, watching the helpless senior citizen writhe on the ground. Before he too walks away, this young man crouches down, leaning forward until his mouth is right by the injured man's left ear and whispers, "Jesus loves you."
Ok, a tad unrealistic? Sure. I'm sorry if this rejected movie scene gives you the impression that I hate old people, men, or parking lots. To be honest, I'm quite fond of all three of these things. However, this dramatic depiction does have a point, specifically to give commentary on poor witnessing techniques used by the common Christian. Clearly, if you were to ask the old man on the ground, this "hit and run" method was not as effective as his attackers might have believed it to be. Unsurprisingly, he was probably scared, injured, and confused...but not converted.
Introducing a topic as weighty as religion can be a scary and daunting task for a Christian, and believers today often have to resort to more creative methods of witnessing in order to make an "impact" for Christ. And you know what, it's great to be different when spreading the Gospel. Have fun with it. But remember, when using unorthodox evangelizing techniques, let's not get too carried away. There's a fine line between overzealous and abrasive. Let's look at a few examples, shall we?
1. Scare Tactics (aka, "Turn or Burn")
Have you ever heard of the pick-up line, "did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" Yes? Well, did you know that there is a come-back for it? You can reply, "no, I crawled my way up from hell." Did that catch you by surprise? Well, when non-Christians are subject to scare tactics, imagine how they feel. This includes anything from "fake raptures" to putting unsuspecting individuals through creepy, mock-replicas of Hell. You laugh, but it happens. You can't be scared into your salvation. Christianity is about a relationship, not the crusades. If you allow fear to move you towards Christ, your fear can just as easily scare you away from Him later on in your life. You can't expect a true conversion based solely off of fear.
2. Operation Ambush (aka, "We're Taking a Survey...")
I recently was able to experience this witnessing technique. A friend and I were approached by two females who were conducting a "survey" about religion on our college campus. BUT, not only did they fail to write down any of our information, they spent the majority of the survey talking to my agnostic friend about his beliefs. Not only was this a bit awkward for me, but I felt like these two women were lying to us.
If you're actually going to conduct a survey...write stuff down. If I was my friend, I might have felt like my intelligence was being insulted. It didn't take a genius to figure out that this was a recon-mission for Christ. Bottom line: if you're going to talk about another's beliefs, try not to hide behind a survey. Talk. See how the other person is doing, and if you can openly and respectfully learn about their beliefs and have an opportunity to share your own, then you are witnessing.
3. Door-to-Door (aka, "Jehovah's Salesman")
In Matthew 7:7, when Jesus says, "...knock and the door will be opened to you," it was metaphorical. If you've been to America, ever, then you know that if there is an unscrupulous character one's doorstep, the door will often remain shut. Now, "unscrupulous" is a subjective term, but for the sake of being as inclusive as possible, this list describes: trick-or-treaters, salesmen, politicians, police officers, Jehovah's Witnesses, and tax auditors. Seriously, unless you are a 12-year old girl selling cookies to earn a badge, this verse doesn't apply to you.
Strangers approaching your door to "tell you about Jesus" is a scary thing. Instead of driving to someone else's neighborhood, why don't you focus on the spiritual health of your own? Talk to your neighbors, get to know them, care about them. Chances are, if you're on good terms with the people in your community, they'll be more likely to talk to you about their personal beliefs than some random pedestrians handing out tracts on a Tuesday afternoon.
I know you've heard the phrase, "actions speak louder than words." Well, this saying has great applications to our faith as Christians. If you act differently than those around you (in a good way...), others may become curious. If others become curious, they may ask why. If they ask why, then BAM...you can tell those curious people about the one relationship in your life that inspires you to love others and the one person who won't ever let you down. Look, I know the Christian "walk" isn't easy, especially when it comes to sharing your faith. In fact, I often feel like my walk is stuck in a crawl, but if you witness out of love in non-abrasive ways, often the results that God inspires in these interactions will be beautiful and certainly not in the least overrated.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Dating 101
As a single female, I was walking around AC Moore last week with some friends, and in the midst of the extremely scandalous things that were occurring on the coloring pencil aisle (super exciting stuff), I was struck by an interesting question: if I was on a date that was going seriously wrong, what would I do? Seriously, would I be able to handle it? How would I get out of it?
Now, for the purpose of this question, let's assume a few basic facts:
1. You don't know this person very well. Let's say you've been out between 1-4 times.
2. You went to a public setting (mall, restaurant, movie, department store...).
3. If you didn't drive separately, you have a friend you could call who would be willing to pull an "Enterprise" and pick yo' butt up. (On a totally unrelated note, I still get strangers calling me a few times a month wanting to rent-a-car..)
Ok, now that we've taken care of those small details, what do you do? Personally, my flight or fight reaction hasn't always been the best navigator in my life, and like most people, I'm more confident in my abilities to escape from a situation than confront it like an adult. Besides, it would be too easy and simple to merely say that you're not having a good time and want to go home. Communication is obviously too hard these days (one day I will write a book about this...), so how can anyone possibly escape a downward spiraling date? Well, if you don't care about your reputation, are feeling kind of gutsy, will never see this person again, and have nothing to lose...I can help you.
1. Cry uncontrollably
What makes you sad: unwanted puppies in a box, old people falling, failing a test, memories of your childhood? Well, think of something and ride that emotional roller coaster! Blame your emotional state on menstruation, your parents forgetting your birthday when you were twelve, or a random stranger who insulted your dog by simply glancing at you as he/she passed by. Get worked up verbally, and once the tears start to flow, this performance should look like the real deal. It's even better if you're wearing make-up, are an extremely loud/obnoxious crier, snot alot, or begin to hyperventilate when you get upset. Most men don't know how to handle a crying female, so ladies, this tactic could work in your favor and get you a one-way ticket back to being unattached. Trust me, he'll buy your performance...women are expected to be emotional.
2. Pitch a Fit
Here's your chance to channel your inner-child. Seriously, find an open space in a public setting (preferably a mall or department store) and be as melodramatic as possible. Throw yourself upon that scuffed-up tile and make the other shoppers in that store believe that you will physically explode if you can't have *fill in the blank with any frivolous item within reach.* Just like in the previous post, the louder you are, the better. Heck, if your face turns red then you are doing it right. In this case, he'll most likely think your behavior is so ridiculous that he will just leave without you...score.
3. Go to the Bathroom...like alot
So you find yourself at a restaurant and it's not going well. In fact, a one-way trip on the Titanic looks like more fun than your current situation. Maybe he's boring, eats like a wild hog, or smells...you want to escape? I don't blame you at all. Well, to give yourself small breaks from his delightful company until the date inevitably crumbles, excuse yourself to the little girls room...as much as possible. Start with an initial trip five minutes into the meal to "powder your nose" or whatever slang women use when they want to do mysterious things in the bathroom. After you return, wait ten more minutes and excuse yourself again to pee. Make sure your trips become more frequent, last longer, and that you walk more quickly towards the bathroom each time. After the fourth trip, don't even excuse yourself or apologize, just leave the table and don't don't say anything about these "episodes" when you get back. Eventually he'll assume you have diarrhea and (if he's a gentlemen) offer to take you home. (If this fails, just announce to the restaurant that you have diarrhea and run out in an awkward, penguin-esque fashion.)
4. Disguise Yourself
So there isn't a bathroom or an audience to use in your quest to escape this tragic date...well, dig around in your purse, and use the tools you have at your disposal to change your appearance. You don't have to pull out a fat suit, dye your hair, or change your entire outfit; you can rely on more subtle changes. If your hair is down, throw it up in a messy bun or sleek pony tail. If you brought make-up with you, you can add crazy eyeshadow, draw a facial tattoo on your forehead, or apply a bright shade of lipstick. If you're wearing a jacket, take that bad boy off and sling it around your shoulders, wrap it around your neck as a fashionable scarf, or tie it around your head like a bonnet. Wearing pants or a dress? You can alter the length of your outfit, turn it inside out, or even wear it backwards. You just want a noticeable change. This way, if you can't excuse yourself to the "bathroom" and slip out unnoticed and he notices you...he probably won't want to talk to you anymore.
5. Pass a Kidney Stone
Go ahead. Pass one...right there. Think "child birth," screams, moans, grunts and all. Wherever you are just stop and pass that stone.Trust me, he'll pass on that next date.
Ok, so I'm a single female giving advice on how to escape bad dates...that's fine. I'm still a credible source. Anyway, my lack of interaction with the opposite sex isn't the issue here; what's important is the amount of imagination and guts you can muster to save yourself from dreadful dates (in this case, I have an abundance of both). Think about it, the sooner you escape from these horrible dates, the sooner you can go on some awesome dates with the man of your dreams (not to mention you'll have some entertaining stories to tell your friends, family, and other potential suitors). Think of these episodes, not as failed adventures in your love-life but, as memories in the making. You're welcome. Besides, getting a little creative on a date now and then isn't overrated...it's awesome.
Now, for the purpose of this question, let's assume a few basic facts:
1. You don't know this person very well. Let's say you've been out between 1-4 times.
2. You went to a public setting (mall, restaurant, movie, department store...).
3. If you didn't drive separately, you have a friend you could call who would be willing to pull an "Enterprise" and pick yo' butt up. (On a totally unrelated note, I still get strangers calling me a few times a month wanting to rent-a-car..)
Ok, now that we've taken care of those small details, what do you do? Personally, my flight or fight reaction hasn't always been the best navigator in my life, and like most people, I'm more confident in my abilities to escape from a situation than confront it like an adult. Besides, it would be too easy and simple to merely say that you're not having a good time and want to go home. Communication is obviously too hard these days (one day I will write a book about this...), so how can anyone possibly escape a downward spiraling date? Well, if you don't care about your reputation, are feeling kind of gutsy, will never see this person again, and have nothing to lose...I can help you.
1. Cry uncontrollably
What makes you sad: unwanted puppies in a box, old people falling, failing a test, memories of your childhood? Well, think of something and ride that emotional roller coaster! Blame your emotional state on menstruation, your parents forgetting your birthday when you were twelve, or a random stranger who insulted your dog by simply glancing at you as he/she passed by. Get worked up verbally, and once the tears start to flow, this performance should look like the real deal. It's even better if you're wearing make-up, are an extremely loud/obnoxious crier, snot alot, or begin to hyperventilate when you get upset. Most men don't know how to handle a crying female, so ladies, this tactic could work in your favor and get you a one-way ticket back to being unattached. Trust me, he'll buy your performance...women are expected to be emotional.
2. Pitch a Fit
Here's your chance to channel your inner-child. Seriously, find an open space in a public setting (preferably a mall or department store) and be as melodramatic as possible. Throw yourself upon that scuffed-up tile and make the other shoppers in that store believe that you will physically explode if you can't have *fill in the blank with any frivolous item within reach.* Just like in the previous post, the louder you are, the better. Heck, if your face turns red then you are doing it right. In this case, he'll most likely think your behavior is so ridiculous that he will just leave without you...score.
3. Go to the Bathroom...like alot
So you find yourself at a restaurant and it's not going well. In fact, a one-way trip on the Titanic looks like more fun than your current situation. Maybe he's boring, eats like a wild hog, or smells...you want to escape? I don't blame you at all. Well, to give yourself small breaks from his delightful company until the date inevitably crumbles, excuse yourself to the little girls room...as much as possible. Start with an initial trip five minutes into the meal to "powder your nose" or whatever slang women use when they want to do mysterious things in the bathroom. After you return, wait ten more minutes and excuse yourself again to pee. Make sure your trips become more frequent, last longer, and that you walk more quickly towards the bathroom each time. After the fourth trip, don't even excuse yourself or apologize, just leave the table and don't don't say anything about these "episodes" when you get back. Eventually he'll assume you have diarrhea and (if he's a gentlemen) offer to take you home. (If this fails, just announce to the restaurant that you have diarrhea and run out in an awkward, penguin-esque fashion.)
4. Disguise Yourself
So there isn't a bathroom or an audience to use in your quest to escape this tragic date...well, dig around in your purse, and use the tools you have at your disposal to change your appearance. You don't have to pull out a fat suit, dye your hair, or change your entire outfit; you can rely on more subtle changes. If your hair is down, throw it up in a messy bun or sleek pony tail. If you brought make-up with you, you can add crazy eyeshadow, draw a facial tattoo on your forehead, or apply a bright shade of lipstick. If you're wearing a jacket, take that bad boy off and sling it around your shoulders, wrap it around your neck as a fashionable scarf, or tie it around your head like a bonnet. Wearing pants or a dress? You can alter the length of your outfit, turn it inside out, or even wear it backwards. You just want a noticeable change. This way, if you can't excuse yourself to the "bathroom" and slip out unnoticed and he notices you...he probably won't want to talk to you anymore.
5. Pass a Kidney Stone
Go ahead. Pass one...right there. Think "child birth," screams, moans, grunts and all. Wherever you are just stop and pass that stone.Trust me, he'll pass on that next date.
Ok, so I'm a single female giving advice on how to escape bad dates...that's fine. I'm still a credible source. Anyway, my lack of interaction with the opposite sex isn't the issue here; what's important is the amount of imagination and guts you can muster to save yourself from dreadful dates (in this case, I have an abundance of both). Think about it, the sooner you escape from these horrible dates, the sooner you can go on some awesome dates with the man of your dreams (not to mention you'll have some entertaining stories to tell your friends, family, and other potential suitors). Think of these episodes, not as failed adventures in your love-life but, as memories in the making. You're welcome. Besides, getting a little creative on a date now and then isn't overrated...it's awesome.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Window Shopping
As a female, one of the most delightful things I can possibly do is make jokes that objectify women (in fact, this is how I break up awkward silences, make new friends, and scare prudes). However, just because I enjoy poking fun at women does not mean that I can't enjoy objectifying strangers...and by "strangers," I mean men.
C'mon! As women, we have all taken notice of the beautiful specimens of the opposite gender that haunt our favorite watering holes, workplaces, and temples of academia. And as women, there is nothing wrong with visually admiring men and complementing them in our minds (or out loud if you're particularly brave). I like to think of it as window shopping; I'm available to make a purchase if I so desire, but I'm quite content (at the moment) to merely peruse the display racks and take notes of what I would want in a future purchase. Simply put, "checking out guys is like looking at a book shelf; I may admire it, but I'm not taking it home with me."
So, now that we've established, through my attempt to non-offensively objectify men in a metaphor about shopping in order to defend a woman's right to "ogle" over a man, that a cute guy is equivalent to a bookshelf...now what? Well, so glad you asked. From my vast wealth of life experience, I have decided to compile a list of principles, suggestions if you will, to keep in mind for when you're "shopping." And, the beauty of this list is that I'm fairly certain that both genders could learn a little something from it...
1. "look but don't touch"
This is a pretty simple rule. When you window shop, in real life...not the metaphor (stay with me), you expect to merely look at the merchandise...not buy it. Sure, you may have cash burning a hole in your pocket or have a credit card that's dying to get out more, but that wasn't your purpose. You came to look, and the only body part that should be actively doing anything should be your eyes. Anything else and you are in danger of being considered a creep, have mall security called on you, and let's not mention all the explaining you'll have to do...let's just avoid this hassle, shall we?
2. don't be unrealistic (aka, "girl quit playing")
Ok, feel free to drool over that olive-skinned just-stepped-out-of-a-Grecian-painting-chiseled-on-abs-oh-gosh-you-are-a-pretty man. However, know that your little moment of mental happiness is the closest to a relationship you'll ever have with this aesthetically-pleasing creature, other than the awkward eye-contact you are currently rocking. Girl, don't play with yourself. Save yourself the headache and mental anguish by just moving on and shopping in something more of your speed. Why don't you check over in the video game section or the face wash aisle?
3. know when to shop alone
Friends can make shopping trips "super fun" (please tell me you read that in a valley-girl voice...), and who doesn't love visually picking apart random guys with your "gal-pals" (oh, throw-back word). However, sometimes problems can arise when some of your friends realize that you continue to check out the same "bookshelf." So, on your next boy-gazing trip, (especially if you are revisiting a bookshelf you've had your eye on for awhile) if you think that your friends might attempt to persuade you to interact with the shelf or imagine your future with it ("oh, it doesn't matter if it's available or not, go ahead and pick out a nice spot for it in your house!"), maybe you should take a personal shopping trip and give your friends a rain check.
4. pursued not pursuer
Obviously I had females in mind with this rule. Ladies, you should not have to work your butts off to get guys to notice you. That is not your job. It's one thing to notice lovely members of the opposite gender, but if you feel like it's your God-given task in life to get "Mr. Hottie with the body" to pick-up what you're putting down...you've got another thing coming. Yes, women are "empowered" now (ra ra, go us). I know that this might be a bit old-fashioned, but if a guy is worth it, he will work to get you to notice him. End of story. Bottom line. Stop crying.
5. buyers rights (the power of the "final say" of the purchase)
You've eyed the shelf for awhile, read the reviews, your friends even agree that it's a pretty great investment, and you've decided that you can move on from checking out your shelf to investing in it. Good for you. It may be a bit scary, but just remember, as a buyer, you have the power at the cash register to say "no" if you're having doubts. If you're not completely sold on the idea, better leave that shelf in the store (if you know what I mean). Take some time, think about it, and when you're confident in your decision, check to see if it's still available. If it is, great...good luck with your new shelf. If it's not there anymore, than it wasn't worth waiting for and you deserve a better, more reliable shelf.
6. the "return policy" is NOT the end of the world
So you made the wrong purchase, no biggie. Seriously, calm down brosephus (*bro-see-phis). The beauty of "buying bookshelves" is that you aren't married to one just because you've decided to move it into your office and house your entire Jane Austen collection on it. There are other shelves out there. Just take your purchase back acknowledging that it was a mistake and move on. It might take awhile to get over your shelf (maybe you grew attached to it or it started to look really good in your living room), but you will move on. You're not the first buyer to have doubts or regrets about her purchase..and you won't be the last.
Now, obviously, these principles aren't an exact science. Exceptions will come along and life will happen. The important thing to keep in mind when you window shop, however, is that you need to set some guidelines (even if they're loose, only verbally acknowledged, or are comprised of a series of secret hand gestures between your friends). Remember, every shelf deserves love, and there isn't a reason why you too can't own your own bookshelf one day. If you are seriously in the market, then these are important things to consider. It's not impossible, and certainly not overrated, to shop responsibly.
C'mon! As women, we have all taken notice of the beautiful specimens of the opposite gender that haunt our favorite watering holes, workplaces, and temples of academia. And as women, there is nothing wrong with visually admiring men and complementing them in our minds (or out loud if you're particularly brave). I like to think of it as window shopping; I'm available to make a purchase if I so desire, but I'm quite content (at the moment) to merely peruse the display racks and take notes of what I would want in a future purchase. Simply put, "checking out guys is like looking at a book shelf; I may admire it, but I'm not taking it home with me."
So, now that we've established, through my attempt to non-offensively objectify men in a metaphor about shopping in order to defend a woman's right to "ogle" over a man, that a cute guy is equivalent to a bookshelf...now what? Well, so glad you asked. From my vast wealth of life experience, I have decided to compile a list of principles, suggestions if you will, to keep in mind for when you're "shopping." And, the beauty of this list is that I'm fairly certain that both genders could learn a little something from it...
1. "look but don't touch"
This is a pretty simple rule. When you window shop, in real life...not the metaphor (stay with me), you expect to merely look at the merchandise...not buy it. Sure, you may have cash burning a hole in your pocket or have a credit card that's dying to get out more, but that wasn't your purpose. You came to look, and the only body part that should be actively doing anything should be your eyes. Anything else and you are in danger of being considered a creep, have mall security called on you, and let's not mention all the explaining you'll have to do...let's just avoid this hassle, shall we?
2. don't be unrealistic (aka, "girl quit playing")
Ok, feel free to drool over that olive-skinned just-stepped-out-of-a-Grecian-painting-chiseled-on-abs-oh-gosh-you-are-a-pretty man. However, know that your little moment of mental happiness is the closest to a relationship you'll ever have with this aesthetically-pleasing creature, other than the awkward eye-contact you are currently rocking. Girl, don't play with yourself. Save yourself the headache and mental anguish by just moving on and shopping in something more of your speed. Why don't you check over in the video game section or the face wash aisle?
3. know when to shop alone
Friends can make shopping trips "super fun" (please tell me you read that in a valley-girl voice...), and who doesn't love visually picking apart random guys with your "gal-pals" (oh, throw-back word). However, sometimes problems can arise when some of your friends realize that you continue to check out the same "bookshelf." So, on your next boy-gazing trip, (especially if you are revisiting a bookshelf you've had your eye on for awhile) if you think that your friends might attempt to persuade you to interact with the shelf or imagine your future with it ("oh, it doesn't matter if it's available or not, go ahead and pick out a nice spot for it in your house!"), maybe you should take a personal shopping trip and give your friends a rain check.
4. pursued not pursuer
Obviously I had females in mind with this rule. Ladies, you should not have to work your butts off to get guys to notice you. That is not your job. It's one thing to notice lovely members of the opposite gender, but if you feel like it's your God-given task in life to get "Mr. Hottie with the body" to pick-up what you're putting down...you've got another thing coming. Yes, women are "empowered" now (ra ra, go us). I know that this might be a bit old-fashioned, but if a guy is worth it, he will work to get you to notice him. End of story. Bottom line. Stop crying.
5. buyers rights (the power of the "final say" of the purchase)
You've eyed the shelf for awhile, read the reviews, your friends even agree that it's a pretty great investment, and you've decided that you can move on from checking out your shelf to investing in it. Good for you. It may be a bit scary, but just remember, as a buyer, you have the power at the cash register to say "no" if you're having doubts. If you're not completely sold on the idea, better leave that shelf in the store (if you know what I mean). Take some time, think about it, and when you're confident in your decision, check to see if it's still available. If it is, great...good luck with your new shelf. If it's not there anymore, than it wasn't worth waiting for and you deserve a better, more reliable shelf.
6. the "return policy" is NOT the end of the world
So you made the wrong purchase, no biggie. Seriously, calm down brosephus (*bro-see-phis). The beauty of "buying bookshelves" is that you aren't married to one just because you've decided to move it into your office and house your entire Jane Austen collection on it. There are other shelves out there. Just take your purchase back acknowledging that it was a mistake and move on. It might take awhile to get over your shelf (maybe you grew attached to it or it started to look really good in your living room), but you will move on. You're not the first buyer to have doubts or regrets about her purchase..and you won't be the last.
Now, obviously, these principles aren't an exact science. Exceptions will come along and life will happen. The important thing to keep in mind when you window shop, however, is that you need to set some guidelines (even if they're loose, only verbally acknowledged, or are comprised of a series of secret hand gestures between your friends). Remember, every shelf deserves love, and there isn't a reason why you too can't own your own bookshelf one day. If you are seriously in the market, then these are important things to consider. It's not impossible, and certainly not overrated, to shop responsibly.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
A Cup of Joe, Steve, or Jack
Coffee, like oxygen, plays a vital role in the lives of many individuals. I say "many" because you will find those confused individuals who believe that this rich beverage doesn't serve a valuable purpose on Earth (that's like saying that we don't REALLY need oxygen...). Well, they're wrong. Coffee is a splendorous and magical drink that has socially brought people together for years. And, one of the beautiful things about coffee is the various forms and recipes that it can be found it. This is why the lines at Starbucks can take forever to navigate through; when you have a drink that is so versatile (as coffee is), people who drink it know what they like and want a specific combination of coffee, cream, sugar, artificial flavors, foam, whip cream, steam, milk, syrup...need I continue?
Coffee is such a magical and practical thing/beverage/cup-of-delight that it can be used to describe other things, say men. Now, just like every woman has her ideals for the perfect "cup of joe," she also has (hopefully) specifications and standards for her man (named Joe, Steve, Jack, or what have you). Now, this metaphor, like all man-made metaphors (trying saying that five times fast), is imperfect and has it's limitations...but that doesn't mean it can't be entertaining. I mean, think about all the specifications for coffee/men; imagine the possibilities. Your coffee choices can say a lot about the man you want.
1. Body Type
Tall - so you like little guys...no shame
Grande - a medium-man
Venti - or large for you non-coffe drinkers...
Full - filled out nicely?
Skinny - uh...plenty of shrimp in the sea?
Thick - "lumberjacks wanted"
Hot - let's hope so
Warm - so you can't handle a hot man...we're not judging
Strong - who doesn't want one of these?
2. Complexion/Ethnicity
Dark - tall dark and...well, you know
Mocha - it just sounds so...nice
Light - vague, but nice
French - who doesn't?
Carmel - what a pretty color...
White - white mocha...I'm not being racist
3. Personality/ Life Style
Rich -that would be nice
"Americano" -heh heh...funny
Whipped -whether it starts out that way or not...
Sweet -awww, yes.
Cold -whatever floats your boat?
Mellow -so chill man, so chill (and yes...this is an actual coffee term, look it up)
Organic -hippies need love too
Now, I'm a proud coffee drinker who is currently using a solo cup (hey, it's a pretty nifty and AWESOME solo cup), and there is nothing wrong with that. But, that doesn't keep me from appreciating the various cups of "Joe" out there (or from using this insanely entertaining metaphor). It could be that my standards are just too ridiculous. But, who wouldn't want someone tall, rich, and in a jar? (Please laugh...this is a joke. I'm not a serial killer. Just don't look in my trunk...) To each her own, and, as the various forms of coffee (and men) has taught us females, having different tastes and preferences is only natural. Taking the time to figure out exactly what we want, in java and man forms, will never be overrated. It would be a shame to hastily grab a cup and realize that the contents are appalling, unappetizing, or cause us to break out in hives.
Coffee is such a magical and practical thing/beverage/cup-of-delight that it can be used to describe other things, say men. Now, just like every woman has her ideals for the perfect "cup of joe," she also has (hopefully) specifications and standards for her man (named Joe, Steve, Jack, or what have you). Now, this metaphor, like all man-made metaphors (trying saying that five times fast), is imperfect and has it's limitations...but that doesn't mean it can't be entertaining. I mean, think about all the specifications for coffee/men; imagine the possibilities. Your coffee choices can say a lot about the man you want.
1. Body Type
Tall - so you like little guys...no shame
Grande - a medium-man
Venti - or large for you non-coffe drinkers...
Full - filled out nicely?
Skinny - uh...plenty of shrimp in the sea?
Thick - "lumberjacks wanted"
Hot - let's hope so
Warm - so you can't handle a hot man...we're not judging
Strong - who doesn't want one of these?
2. Complexion/Ethnicity
Dark - tall dark and...well, you know
Mocha - it just sounds so...nice
Light - vague, but nice
French - who doesn't?
Carmel - what a pretty color...
White - white mocha...I'm not being racist
3. Personality/ Life Style
Rich -that would be nice
"Americano" -heh heh...funny
Whipped -whether it starts out that way or not...
Sweet -awww, yes.
Cold -whatever floats your boat?
Mellow -so chill man, so chill (and yes...this is an actual coffee term, look it up)
Organic -hippies need love too
Now, I'm a proud coffee drinker who is currently using a solo cup (hey, it's a pretty nifty and AWESOME solo cup), and there is nothing wrong with that. But, that doesn't keep me from appreciating the various cups of "Joe" out there (or from using this insanely entertaining metaphor). It could be that my standards are just too ridiculous. But, who wouldn't want someone tall, rich, and in a jar? (Please laugh...this is a joke. I'm not a serial killer. Just don't look in my trunk...) To each her own, and, as the various forms of coffee (and men) has taught us females, having different tastes and preferences is only natural. Taking the time to figure out exactly what we want, in java and man forms, will never be overrated. It would be a shame to hastily grab a cup and realize that the contents are appalling, unappetizing, or cause us to break out in hives.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Another One Bites the Suds
After being woken up this morning by the most irritating, yet cute, alarm clock ever (2 dogs...I'm not married yet) this morning, my female wiring kicked in and began to run laundry. (Insert feminist comment...wanna hear a joke? Women's rights...) Anyway, I'm cycling laundry (don't worry fellah's...I'll try to use simple terms) and I take all of the dry laundry out of the dryer (machine with no water) and place them on the dining room table (the thing where you eat...just kidding, that's the sofa). As I begin to fold them (make them pretty), lo and behold, I find what I've been missing ALL MY LIFE: my chapstick.
That's right folks, another poor tube of chapstick has bitten the dust, gone before it's time was up, expired and eloped into an early grave, took the bath of his life, past the point of no return (this one's serious; have you ever tried to return laundered goods? I can't imagine it would be easy...). What makes it even more horrifying is when I discovered him nestled between a pair of shorts and a towel. His little body was so light, and when I took off the cap...he was hollow, empty of that life-saving chappy-stickiness. I nearly wept with sympathy for the little guy...or a piece of lint may have flown up into my eye.
Such is the plight, life, and end of many an item that tragically gets forgotten in a piece of dirty laundry and takes the sudsy plunge. In a moment of grief, let's take the time to reflect on (and appreciate) the various trinkets, tools, and toys that took the one-way ticket to their sudsy graves.
1. Cell Phones/Ipods
This is probably the most upsetting/expensive type of item that has accidentally been drowned in said machine. Usually this is an accident when the owner of electronic device throws a pair of pants or a jacket in the wash unaware or the tragedy about to occur. Once in a blue moon, this is the fault of many individuals...but I mean, c'mon. How likely is it that a phone was left on top of a washing machine and your friends place their laundry on top of your phone (on top of the washer)...and the rest is history? Not very likely? That's what I thought...just get a bag of rice. I hear that works in most/half/some/once in a blue moon. Oh well...should have gotten a cheaper phone/mp3 player.
2. Paper Money/Wallets
I feel that this is more often the case for men, who do not have purses and do not actually (in 9 out of 10 cases...there are exceptions to every rule) wash the clothes. Hopefully, you have a vigilant wife/child/girlfriend/mom who will catch and fix this grievous error that you made. (This also takes into account the missing money that you encounter after said "washing" process...let's just say children...women in general who are forced to do the laundry are opportunists...you do the math.) However, while a washer could lose your coins, it doesn't always destroy your paper money. Sometimes it just cleans it...depends on how weak your money is. Obviously, foreign currency fairs worse in this process cause ain't nothing stronger than some of that Ah-Mur-i-can money. It may be depreciated in value, but it can take a spin cycle and...and...not yeah, I got nothing.
3. Gum
This is just sad, and sometimes ruins your favorite _________ (fill-in-the-blank with the article of clothing of your choice). I mean, gum? Not only do you NOT get to chew it and freshen your breath/look like a gangsta (yeah Double Bubble...you know what I'm talkin' 'bout), but it gets stuck...and stays with you FOREVER. Ok, maybe not "FOREVER," but an annoyingly long time. Gosh, talk about one chewable adhesive that overstays it's welcome...
4. Chap Stick
Nope, too soon...
5. Notes
I know we've all been there. Whether it's notes for class, a note you got passed in class, or the instructions for your Walkman when they were cool (don't know what a Walkman is? Get out), one of the worst things EVER is to take the clothes out of the dryer and find a clump of white paper. At this point clump is too generous of a term...it's more like a horribly disfigured paper-mache rock. You can't read it, or even open it, so it just taunts you. If only you'd caught it before it went in the dryer, it might have stood a chance...you monster.
6. Candy
Kind of like gum, let's just say you only wanted half of a candy bar. What to do with the rest...well, if you're a 5 year old boy (or a guy in general...sorry to hate guys, but the women-folk are stuck with the laundering duties...I gotta vent) you stick that candy back in your pocket. Let's just say that your mom is not observant at all, has no thumbs, preoccupied, Helen Keller, or the boy stuck his pants in the washer himself...he's about to lose his treat and get a brand new pair of seemingly "soiled" pants to wear. Oh yeah man, chicks dig the brown.
7. Pens
The only thing worse than your pen leaking into your shirt/pants at work...is to release one into the wild Maytag and discover that this writing utensil left you a "present" on everything unlucky enough to be in there with it. I guess this unfortunate result could become a game of sorts: spot the ink stain, Rorschach therapy to-go...the possibilities are endless.
You'll be happy to know that I sent little "Chappy" off in style; he had the funeral of a true champion. Yeah...I sighed regretfully as I tossed him (gently) into the freshly cleaned (another side-effect of my womanly genes) blue trashcan (symbolizing my intense grief) in the kitchen (the woman's "Mecca"). Yes, it was traumatic. Yes, it might just happen again. However, this is one of those times where you learn a valuable lesson: it is never overrated to buy your chap stick in bulk.
That's right folks, another poor tube of chapstick has bitten the dust, gone before it's time was up, expired and eloped into an early grave, took the bath of his life, past the point of no return (this one's serious; have you ever tried to return laundered goods? I can't imagine it would be easy...). What makes it even more horrifying is when I discovered him nestled between a pair of shorts and a towel. His little body was so light, and when I took off the cap...he was hollow, empty of that life-saving chappy-stickiness. I nearly wept with sympathy for the little guy...or a piece of lint may have flown up into my eye.
Such is the plight, life, and end of many an item that tragically gets forgotten in a piece of dirty laundry and takes the sudsy plunge. In a moment of grief, let's take the time to reflect on (and appreciate) the various trinkets, tools, and toys that took the one-way ticket to their sudsy graves.
1. Cell Phones/Ipods
This is probably the most upsetting/expensive type of item that has accidentally been drowned in said machine. Usually this is an accident when the owner of electronic device throws a pair of pants or a jacket in the wash unaware or the tragedy about to occur. Once in a blue moon, this is the fault of many individuals...but I mean, c'mon. How likely is it that a phone was left on top of a washing machine and your friends place their laundry on top of your phone (on top of the washer)...and the rest is history? Not very likely? That's what I thought...just get a bag of rice. I hear that works in most/half/some/once in a blue moon. Oh well...should have gotten a cheaper phone/mp3 player.
2. Paper Money/Wallets
I feel that this is more often the case for men, who do not have purses and do not actually (in 9 out of 10 cases...there are exceptions to every rule) wash the clothes. Hopefully, you have a vigilant wife/child/girlfriend/mom who will catch and fix this grievous error that you made. (This also takes into account the missing money that you encounter after said "washing" process...let's just say children...women in general who are forced to do the laundry are opportunists...you do the math.) However, while a washer could lose your coins, it doesn't always destroy your paper money. Sometimes it just cleans it...depends on how weak your money is. Obviously, foreign currency fairs worse in this process cause ain't nothing stronger than some of that Ah-Mur-i-can money. It may be depreciated in value, but it can take a spin cycle and...and...not yeah, I got nothing.
3. Gum
This is just sad, and sometimes ruins your favorite _________ (fill-in-the-blank with the article of clothing of your choice). I mean, gum? Not only do you NOT get to chew it and freshen your breath/look like a gangsta (yeah Double Bubble...you know what I'm talkin' 'bout), but it gets stuck...and stays with you FOREVER. Ok, maybe not "FOREVER," but an annoyingly long time. Gosh, talk about one chewable adhesive that overstays it's welcome...
4. Chap Stick
Nope, too soon...
5. Notes
I know we've all been there. Whether it's notes for class, a note you got passed in class, or the instructions for your Walkman when they were cool (don't know what a Walkman is? Get out), one of the worst things EVER is to take the clothes out of the dryer and find a clump of white paper. At this point clump is too generous of a term...it's more like a horribly disfigured paper-mache rock. You can't read it, or even open it, so it just taunts you. If only you'd caught it before it went in the dryer, it might have stood a chance...you monster.
6. Candy
Kind of like gum, let's just say you only wanted half of a candy bar. What to do with the rest...well, if you're a 5 year old boy (or a guy in general...sorry to hate guys, but the women-folk are stuck with the laundering duties...I gotta vent) you stick that candy back in your pocket. Let's just say that your mom is not observant at all, has no thumbs, preoccupied, Helen Keller, or the boy stuck his pants in the washer himself...he's about to lose his treat and get a brand new pair of seemingly "soiled" pants to wear. Oh yeah man, chicks dig the brown.
7. Pens
The only thing worse than your pen leaking into your shirt/pants at work...is to release one into the wild Maytag and discover that this writing utensil left you a "present" on everything unlucky enough to be in there with it. I guess this unfortunate result could become a game of sorts: spot the ink stain, Rorschach therapy to-go...the possibilities are endless.
You'll be happy to know that I sent little "Chappy" off in style; he had the funeral of a true champion. Yeah...I sighed regretfully as I tossed him (gently) into the freshly cleaned (another side-effect of my womanly genes) blue trashcan (symbolizing my intense grief) in the kitchen (the woman's "Mecca"). Yes, it was traumatic. Yes, it might just happen again. However, this is one of those times where you learn a valuable lesson: it is never overrated to buy your chap stick in bulk.
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