Window Shopping

As a female, one of the most delightful things I can possibly do is make jokes that objectify women (in fact, this is how I break up awkward silences, make new friends, and scare prudes). However, just because I enjoy poking fun at women does not mean that I can't enjoy objectifying strangers...and by "strangers," I mean men.

C'mon! As women, we have all taken notice of the beautiful specimens of the opposite gender that haunt our favorite watering holes, workplaces, and temples of academia. And as women, there is nothing wrong with visually admiring men and complementing them in our minds (or out loud if you're particularly brave). I like to think of it as window shopping; I'm available to make a purchase if I so desire, but I'm quite content (at the moment) to merely peruse the display racks and take notes of what I would want in a future purchase. Simply put, "checking out guys is like looking at a book shelf; I may admire it, but I'm not taking it home with me."

So, now that we've established, through my attempt to non-offensively objectify men in a metaphor about shopping in order to defend a woman's right to "ogle" over a man, that a cute guy is equivalent to a bookshelf...now what? Well, so glad you asked. From my vast wealth of life experience, I have decided to compile a list of principles, suggestions if you will, to keep in mind for when you're "shopping." And, the beauty of this list is that I'm fairly certain that both genders could learn a little something from it...

1. "look but don't touch"
This is a pretty simple rule. When you window shop, in real life...not the metaphor (stay with me), you expect to merely look at the merchandise...not buy it. Sure, you may have cash burning a hole in your pocket or have a credit card that's dying to get out more, but that wasn't your purpose. You came to look, and the only body part that should be actively doing anything should be your eyes. Anything else and you are in danger of being considered a creep, have mall security called on you, and let's not mention all the explaining you'll have to do...let's just avoid this hassle, shall we? 

2. don't be unrealistic (aka, "girl quit playing")
Ok, feel free to drool over that olive-skinned just-stepped-out-of-a-Grecian-painting-chiseled-on-abs-oh-gosh-you-are-a-pretty man. However, know that your little moment of mental happiness is the closest to a relationship you'll ever have with this aesthetically-pleasing creature, other than the awkward eye-contact you are currently rocking. Girl, don't play with yourself. Save yourself the headache and mental anguish by just moving on and shopping in something more of your speed. Why don't you check over in the video game section or the face wash aisle?

3. know when to shop alone
Friends can make shopping trips "super fun" (please tell me you read that in a valley-girl voice...), and who doesn't love visually picking apart random guys with your "gal-pals" (oh, throw-back word). However, sometimes problems can arise when some of your friends realize that you continue to check out the same "bookshelf." So, on your next boy-gazing trip, (especially if you are revisiting a bookshelf you've had your eye on for awhile) if you think that your friends might attempt to persuade you to interact with the shelf or imagine your future with it ("oh, it doesn't matter if it's available or not, go ahead and pick out a nice spot for it in your house!"), maybe you should take a personal shopping trip and give your friends a rain check.

4. pursued not pursuer
Obviously I had females in mind with this rule. Ladies, you should not have to work your butts off to get guys to notice you. That is not your job. It's one thing to notice lovely members of the opposite gender, but if you feel like it's your God-given task in life to get "Mr. Hottie with the body" to pick-up what you're putting down...you've got another thing coming. Yes, women are "empowered" now (ra ra, go us). I know that this might be a bit old-fashioned, but if a guy is worth it, he will work to get you to notice him. End of story. Bottom line. Stop crying.

5. buyers rights (the power of the "final say" of the purchase)
You've eyed the shelf for awhile, read the reviews, your friends even agree that it's a pretty great investment, and you've decided that you can move on from checking out your shelf to investing in it. Good for you. It may be a bit scary, but just remember, as a buyer, you have the power at the cash register to say "no" if you're having doubts. If you're not completely sold on the idea, better leave that shelf in the store (if you know what I mean). Take some time, think about it, and when you're confident in your decision, check to see if it's still available. If it is, great...good luck with your new shelf. If it's not there anymore, than it wasn't worth waiting for and you deserve a better, more reliable shelf. 


6. the "return policy" is NOT the end of the world
So you made the wrong purchase, no biggie. Seriously, calm down brosephus (*bro-see-phis). The beauty of "buying bookshelves" is that you aren't married to one just because you've decided to move it into your office and house your entire Jane Austen collection on it. There are other shelves out there. Just take your purchase back acknowledging that it was a mistake and move on. It might take awhile to get over your shelf (maybe you grew attached to it or it started to look really good in your living room), but you will move on. You're not the first buyer to have doubts or regrets about her purchase..and you won't be the last.

Now, obviously, these principles aren't an exact science. Exceptions will come along and life will happen. The important thing to keep in mind when you window shop, however, is that you need to set some guidelines (even if they're loose, only verbally acknowledged, or are comprised of a series of secret hand gestures between your friends). Remember, every shelf deserves love, and there isn't a reason why you too can't own your own bookshelf one day. If you are seriously in the market, then these are important things to consider. It's not impossible, and certainly not overrated, to shop responsibly.