The Language of Cars

So, you're a poor college kid with no car. What to do? Well, legs are pretty snazzy tools for walking...so you decide to use yours to take you across the street. "Why across the street?", you ask. If you go to a small university, such as CSU, then you have a small selection of restaurants, gas stations, and clinics (including the rather large one labeled "Hospital"...the important one with the helipad) to visit simply by crossing a rather busy street/intersection/road/the thing with cars. We, as female college students, often experience odd cravings for such food as Wendy's, Zaxabys, Dunkin Donuts, Waffle House, or Brewsters at odd hours for odd reasons (we're females, we don't need real reasons).

Want food? No car? Problem solved: walk...that's what sidewalks are for (gotta show the pavement some love). So you walk: in droves, herds, groups, gaggles, bunches, duos, pairs, or even *gasp* alone. Unfortunately for 9 our of 10 females who choose to brave the "streets for the eats", cars often make it awkward when they do that weird 'honking thing'. What exactly is the point of honking at girls? Should females everywhere be offended or feel commended? Well, let's examine the language of vehicles  and consider what honking signifies for a bit, shall we?

1.The polite honk
It is a little known fact in car etiquette that when a car passes a pedestrian, the said driver of the vehicle should give a quick beep or so. This is purely a pleasantry (and that was an auspicious alliteration). This honk says, "Hi there quaint female pedestrian. I see you, you see me. Have a lovely day". Such honks are usually produced by 'well-bred' drivers. Drivers-ed taught them well.

2. The warning honk
While a bit frightening to think of, often times the world is not safe for a small group of female college students braving the streets. With all of the rapists, criminals, thieves, vandals, homeless, vagrants, hippies, and boy scouts that frequent the streets and dark alleys of Charleston, a girl can never be too careful. This honk is used entirely for emergency reasons. If a concerned citizen driver sees a suspicious character trailing a group of college females, said citizen might apply quite a bit of force and pressure to his horn to signal said females to be alert. This ensures that they have plenty of time to 'circle the wagons' around the weakest/smallest girl(s) and get into crouching, threatening, defensive positions. Thank you concerned citizen drivers.

3. The practical-joker honk
Nobody likes these types of drivers. Yes, you know of whom I speak...those jerkish drivers who lay into the horn because they enjoy seeing a group of females scream/jump/yell/fall/curse/drop their purses from the shock and surprise of a sudden loud honk assaulting their eardrums. If their horn is incapacitated, these drivers are also prone to rev their engines in order to get the same effect. Bottom line, it's a honk as obnoxious as the personality of the driver behind the wheel.

4. The cat-call honk
See pretty girl. See pretty girl walk. See car horn. Honk, horn, honk. A 'no-brainer' automated male motorist response. Quite easy enough to recognize...you know if you got it or if you don't.

5. The recognizing honk
So a friend sees a fellow college student walking down the sidewalk. Waving is out of the question, you'd have to either let go of the steering wheel or your cell phone. This is a perfect time to incorporate the 'recognizing honk'. This honk is quite casual, usually consisting of a series of several small 'beeps' that contain the implied message of 'friends forever'.

6. The jealous
The jealous beep usually sounds aggressive and angry. This is because said driver is full of a jealous rage upon seeing said female pedestrians fabulous get-up. "Why don't I own purple sparkly leggings?!", "I knew I should have bought that woolen sweater vest!", and "She's wearing my pants!" are only a sample of the various interpretations of what these beeps could imply. In the case of this honk, you should wear this sound like a 'badge of honor'. Girl, go ahead. Be fabulous.

While I am not fluent in 'Car-Speak', I would like to think that I understand enough about car horns to act an interpreter for those less knowledgeable in such matters. Yes, it is important to know the difference in these various honks. It could be the difference between receiving a compliment about your pants or getting apprehended by a boyscout troop. So study up, because foreign languages (such as 'Car-Speak', 'Cafeteria-Lingo', 'Jockenese', and 'Honey Badgerish') shall always be vital and never become overrated.