My Hairy Children

So let's say you started reading this post because of the title. I can't blame you for being curious/a little disgusted by the idea that I have children. Yup. Kids are scary. If I really did have children, let alone hairy ones, I don't know what I would do with them. If they were overflowing with body hair in an extreme, and probably grotesquely impressive fashion, I suppose they could come in handy. This is not to say that I want Chewbacca-children...but you're supposed to love your kids no matter what, right? I mean, depending on the number of children, coloration of the fur...I mean hair, blood type of said "child", and type of hair (be them shaggy or silky) I would figure out something constructive to do with them. With a large amount of child hair, the innovations I could create would be pretty wondrous and amazing (and perhaps a tiny bit disturbing). Let's find out, shall we?

1. Blankets for the homeless
I have nothing against volunteering and donating to the needy, so why not get my kids involved? With their abundance of flowing locks and the amount of geriatric talent in nursing homes these days, I'm sure something could be done for such communities as the homeless and less fortunate. I'm sure there are some champion knitters and loom weavers tired of resting in their resting homes, itching to take up their needles again and fight the battle against stiff fingers and inflamed pelvis' (not sure why I added "pelvis'" but I'm sure they inflame too...). So, after my kids are shaved for the week, I can drive some of their pristine hair to the Bingo clubs and retirement homes for the old ones to go to town with. The sweaters, blankets, parkas, afghans, and turtle-necks produced from such weaving can all go to charity. Helping others, one haircut at a time...what a life.

2. Inspirational speaking
While my kids are young and have no idea what English and intelligible speech is, I can help others by using them as props at parenting and self-help seminars. Trying to quit smoking? What if I brought my 3 fuzzy children and declared that I smoked while I was pregnant with them, resulting in excessive and irreversible hair growth...would you be scared enough to quit? Or, say your kids don't wanna eat their veggies? What if your 2 ten-year olds met my kids, who supposedly never as much as a single carrot in their live, resulting in their uncontrollable transformation into baby werewolves? Think your kids might start wolfing down their vegetables? I'm 'lycan the sound of that...(sorry, bad werewolf joke).

3. Organic clothing
I'm all about saving money and doing the "environmentally friendly" thing, so why now do both? I call it organic clothing. Hairy kids need haircuts and clothes (cause the only thing more disturbing than hairy children is naked hairy children), so let's combine the two. After I, or that lovely person I hire, trims my children for their weekly haircut, I can collect said hair and make clothes. I'm no seamstress, but I'm sure I could pull something together...or I can contact some 4-H girls who live nearby and want to earn a badge or award (whatever those kids earn these days for practicing womanly skills and such housewifery) in sewing. My kids may not need extensions with all that fluff they're covered in, but they're gonna have some fabulous weaves.

4. Cosmetology dummies
The term "dummies" here is not to insult the intelligence of my children/future children/future fuzzy children. I suppose I could use a less condoning term such as "model" or "assistant"...but I am immature and I like the word dummy. I could rent out my children to local cosmetology schools for them to expand and sharpen their hair styling techniques, and my children would be returned to me (ideally) with slightly more manageable hair. Yes, they would still be walking stuff animals, but with all of that hair, why let it go to waste?  

5. Human mops
So as a mom, hypothetically of course, I'm going to need to keep house and maintain a clean living environment. Obviously my kids are going to assist me in household chores (that's what kids are for, like Santa's elves without the pointy ears and cherry dispositions). So, because they're covered in so much hair and they have to bathe eventually...why not combine two tasks? They can run, roll, tumble, be dragged through my house covered in suds...like natural human mops. Eventually they'll dry and so will my floors. It's a win-win. And, when dry, they can also double as dusters. As children (rambunctious and flexible) they should be able to reach those small dusty spots in my house that I miss when manually dusting the old-fashion way. 

6. Practical jokes
A bit selfish of me? Absolutely. But think about it. Wouldn't it be funny when some teenage hooligans are camping out in the woods with their friends for the weekend and then a couple of hairy children (resembling Big Foot or some another freakishly hairy person) run screaming through their campsite?  The chaos and bladder-failure that would ensue as a result would no doubt be worth the 30ish minute drive out there...not to mention the potential haunted houses and overall "prankage" potential for co-workers and annoying family members such camping scares could inspire. 

Would you believe that the title of this post was inspired by the two hairy children I spend my days babysitting? Well, maybe children is the wrong term here, but my beagle and poodle certainly act like little fuzzy kids sometimes. Two crazy, loud, fuzzy children...a barrel-full of laughs, let me tell you. I know that some of the ideas I suggest (if I did have a few fur-encrusted kids to call my own) seem a bit harsh. However, I sincerely deny any realistic aspect of this post in general. So don't overreact, cause that's just overrated. I mean, c'mon...we both know that I'm not having kids.