Waiting on a Prince

As a woman...as a single woman...as a single college-aged female (try saying that five times fast) I receive so much "encouragement" from individuals who are happily dating and married that I often feel like I'm drowning in a sea of single-sympathy. Sympathy? Whoops, I meant encouragement.

Whether you've been to a singles Bible study or watched one too many Disney movies, women have been ingrained with the belief that there is a prince charming out there for them and he WILL get here eventually. "You just have to be patient and wait." Well, one impatient single to another, waiting sucks. I'm not a patient person by nature, and while I'm not chasing after men or whining about riding solo, being content as a single all the time is hard. If all I have to do is wait, do you think that maybe Prince Charming could put his little horse in gear and show up already? I mean, why isn't he here yet?

I recently had a lovely discussion with a fellow single friend of mine (let's call her "June"), and we pondered this very question. She joked (at least, I hope it was a joke) that the reason why her Prince hasn't arrived yet is because he's either dead or he just doesn't exist. Now, while such pessimism is morbidly humorous to think about, it's not terribly encouraging or creative. So, to be a bit more on the optimistic side (this is a stretch for me, I know), if you are also waiting on your prince, here are six more hopeful (and exciting) reasons why he may be a little late in sweeping you off your feet. Don't get mad, just hear the guy out...he's had a crazy time getting to you.

1. He's stuck in traffic...on a bridge...in Cincinnati....and it's hailing. 
Hey, give the guy a break. It's not like those knightly horses come with roll cages or sun roofs, and just imagine how loud that hail is on his shiny armor. Poor guy is probably going deaf as I am typing this.

2. He was hit by a bus while saving a basket of kittens.
Don't worry about the kittens folks. Upon further inspection, as the incapacitated hero was being wheeled away on a stretcher it was discovered that the basket contained not kittens by seven-and-a-half pairs of woolen socks. Seven-and-a-half, you say? Yeah, it's a good thing they weren't really kittens cause that missing sock...yeah, well he didn't make it.

3. He got lost. 
Let's face it, there is at least one ounce of truth behind every stereotype, and guys aren't celebrated for their uncanny sense of direction (nope, those would be birds). Heck, why do you think NASCAR is so popular among the male species? They can drive as fast as they'd like without the fear of getting pulled over OR getting lost. Get comfy ladies, cause if your prince falls into the typical male stereotype, he's not asking for directions anytime soon.

4. Both of his legs are broken. 
This injury may have been sustained as your hero valiantly jumped in front of an oncoming bus in an attempt to save a basket of socks. Currently, he is attempting to crawl his way towards you from a different continent. What about his horse, you ask? Have you ever tried riding a knightly steed without the use of your legs? Well, it's not as easy as it sounds...does it even sound easy? Anyway, bad news is that this crawling process might take a while. But, on the bright side, he'll be ripped when he gets here (what girl doesn't want her man to have to-die-for arm muscles...).

5. He's a member of an organization that values it's privacy, and he's having a hard time leaving said group...
The CIA, KKK, the Illuminati, the Boy Scouts of America...take your pick. Once you're in the family, you can't ever leave (blood in, blood out or something "gangsterish" like that). The society he is involved with needs him so much (let's face it, your prince has got some skills) that they don't want him to leave. He's having some problems entering into early retirement and it may be several more weeks, months, or even years until you see his knight in shining face. But ladies, just be patient, cause to this super-secret-spy knight, you're worth it.

6. He's in jail...playing monopoly...with four...teen sick children...who are orphans. 
Oh c'mon now, he can't just leave the orphans! They already have abandonment issues. He has to wait until they all find good homes and are adopted by loving parents before he can leave to search for you: his love. While this might have you waiting for a bit...the plus side is that this knight is great with kids, and he'll make sure to never leave yours.  

Now, I know what you're thinking, "aww, my poor knight! If I'd have known that he was going through so much to come rescue me from my fortress of singleness and solitude, I wouldn't have complained/dated jerks/taken a vow of singleness." Well ladies, it's not too late. If your guy is risking life and limb to make his way towards you, albeit it a terribly slow-going journey, I think it's not too much to ask you to try to be a little patient and content in your current single-hood. I'm not pointing fingers, this is also directed at me just as much as it is the next single chick. But, I honestly believe that if you have the desire to be married in your heart, that God will honor that (even if your Prince's journey takes a bit longer than you would like). And that, my single women, is hope, and not in the least bit overrated.

Riddle Me This Cupid

February 14th
The Day of Love
Couples Day
Singles Awareness Day
Murderous Winged Fat Baby Day
The Day 14 Guys Died
Spend Money if You Love Someone Day
PDA Plague Day
Heart Shaped Diabetes Day
The Day That Love Stood Still
                                                                                                                                       ...Valentine's Day. 

As unorthodox (not to mention the farthest thing from politically correct) as some of these titles are, that doesn't mean they are not true. Everyone knows that the day of love can be costly, monetarily and emotionally. But, in the grand scheme of things, it's a little silly to think that one day can have such a big impact on hundreds of millions of individuals all across the world. Some love the Day of Love, and some abhor it. But, regardless of your relationship status, or your personal convictions on this day of commercialism, there are plenty of things that you can do on Valentine's Day to entertain yourself and make this day worth your time. (Please reserve all final judgements until the end of the ride, and keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times.)

1.Cliche Romance (mushy couples wanted)
"Love, Olive Garden, more love, pet names, cuddling, kissing, Walmart gifts...maybe a stuff animal or two" 
This is the basic, cliched, romantic definition of Valentine's Day for happy couples (or those individuals who see this one day as an opportunity to compensate for the poor communication, lack of quality time, and missing common interests that many relationships are built on). Nothing wrong with it really. Without these individuals, who would give restaurant servers a reason to hate this holiday (or just people in general)?

2. Low Maintenance Couples  (mainly geriatrics)
These individuals have a special place in my heart. Such couples, not always geriatrics (sorry for the stereotype...), don't think of Valentine's Day as a big deal and don't care too much to spend money or time furthering the Valentine's Day "racket." Most of these couples are too mature or have been together for awhile and are out of the "honeymoon phase." It doesn't mean that they're not in love, they're just at a different stage in their relationship...let's call it "cruise control." They already spend time together and don't need one day in the year to prove their undying devotion to each other (and they're the weird ones..).

3. Friend Date (singles happy riding solo)
So you're single and perfectly cool with it? Just another solo-cup in a two-liter world (not really sure where I was going with this metaphor...but the whole point was that they're cool with being alone). Awesome. Well, if you're not totally against the "holiday of love," grab your closest best friend, girl-friend, guy-friend, dog, neighbor, professor...ok, that could get a bit weird, but I think you know where I was going with this. Valentine's Day can be fun. You can use it as an excuse to get dressed up and go get some food that's reasonably priced to oh-dear-Lord-go-sell-your-car-and-first-born-child-to-pay-for-this-nine-course-meal and catch up. Talk. Eat. Have fun. Just cause you're single doesn't mean you can't take advantage of doing something special with someone you love, in an obviously platonic way. 

4. Anti-Love Day (for rage-filled singles)
"Blah, blah, blah, love, throw-up, kill me now, why is everyone but me in a relationship? I'm going to die alone..." So, you're not a big fan of Cupid? You're alone and bitter? Well then, why not put all of that hate and bitterness to good use? Take this day to wallow in self-loathing, burn/destroy pictures and presents given to you by your exs, get together with fellow V-Day haters and eat junk (misery loves company, after all), or just watch sad movies and cry your eyes out. I don't blame you for not being on the best of terms with this day. Half-naked, chubby baby angels don't really do it for me either. In fact, they're kind of creepy.

5. Economical Support (aka, Being a Bra)
So you hate Valentine's Day, are single, or just don't give a (fill-in-the-blank with a socially acceptable replacement for a vulgar term that expresses strong emotion) about this "holiday?" That is ok. You can fulfill your responsibility to this sacred day of love and purchased affection (that sounds bad, doesn't it...) simply by working. Work, work, and work some more. Those plates of overpriced pasta and salad aren't going to magically serve themselves to couples practically drowning in each others eyes. Seriously, someone throw those people a buoy or some life jackets...that can't be healthy.

Well, hopefully one of these options appeals to you. I'm not terribly excited about Valentine's Day either, but there is one thing that everyone old, young, single, committed, rich, and poor can appreciate about February 14th...the fact that candy everywhere goes on sale the day after it's over. That's right folks, regardless of your personal opinions about this day, if you suffer through it, the half-priced sweets you shall be rewarded with (assuming that you buy them for yourself, as chances are no one loves you enough to buy them for you...joking, please don't be angry) are not to be ignored. Even if you're diabetic (and especially if you're a female), cheap chocolate shall never be overrated.

Can I Get a Witness?

It's a dark, gloomy night. Five young men stand, huddled around a fallen geriatric in an abandoned parking lot. The old man is bruised and bleeding, having been knocked down and kicked by the youth who surround him. Fragments of asphalt bite into his skin as he sluggishly attempts to stand, wheezing and gasping for air. Slowly, four of the men turn and walk away, disappearing into the blackness that surrounds the dimly lit parking lot. The last youth stands for another minute, watching the helpless senior citizen writhe on the ground. Before he too walks away, this young man crouches down, leaning forward until his mouth is right by the injured man's left ear and whispers, "Jesus loves you." 

Ok, a tad unrealistic? Sure. I'm sorry if this rejected movie scene gives you the impression that I hate old people, men, or parking lots. To be honest, I'm quite fond of all three of these things. However, this dramatic depiction does have a point, specifically to give commentary on poor witnessing techniques used by the common Christian. Clearly, if you were to ask the old man on the ground, this "hit and run" method was not as effective as his attackers might have believed it to be. Unsurprisingly, he was probably scared, injured, and confused...but not converted. 

Introducing a topic as weighty as religion can be a scary and daunting task for a Christian, and believers today often have to resort to more creative methods of witnessing in order to make an "impact" for Christ. And you know what, it's great to be different when spreading the Gospel. Have fun with it. But remember, when using unorthodox evangelizing techniques, let's not get too carried away. There's a fine line between overzealous and abrasive. Let's look at a few examples, shall we?

1. Scare Tactics (aka, "Turn or Burn")

Have you ever heard of the pick-up line, "did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" Yes? Well, did you know that there is a come-back for it? You can reply, "no, I crawled my way up from hell." Did that catch you by surprise? Well, when non-Christians are subject to scare tactics, imagine how they feel. This includes anything from "fake raptures" to putting unsuspecting individuals through creepy, mock-replicas of Hell. You laugh, but it happens. You can't be scared into your salvation. Christianity is about a relationship, not the crusades. If you allow fear to move you towards Christ, your fear can just as easily scare you away from Him later on in your life. You can't expect a true conversion based solely off of fear. 

2. Operation Ambush (aka, "We're Taking a Survey...")

I recently was able to experience this witnessing technique. A friend and I were approached by two females who were conducting a "survey" about religion on our college campus. BUT, not only did they fail to write down any of our information, they spent the majority of the survey talking to my agnostic friend about his beliefs. Not only was this a bit awkward for me, but I felt like these two women were lying to us. 

If you're actually going to conduct a survey...write stuff down. If I was my friend, I might have felt like my intelligence was being insulted. It didn't take a genius to figure out that this was a recon-mission for Christ. Bottom line: if you're going to talk about another's beliefs, try not to hide behind a survey. Talk. See how the other person is doing, and if you can openly and respectfully learn about their beliefs and have an opportunity to share your own, then you are witnessing. 

3. Door-to-Door (aka, "Jehovah's Salesman")

In Matthew 7:7, when Jesus says, "...knock and the door will be opened to you," it was metaphorical. If you've been to America, ever, then you know that if there is an unscrupulous character one's doorstep, the door will often remain shut. Now, "unscrupulous" is a subjective term, but for the sake of being as inclusive as possible, this list describes: trick-or-treaters, salesmen, politicians, police officers, Jehovah's Witnesses, and tax auditors. Seriously, unless you are a 12-year old girl selling cookies to earn a badge, this verse doesn't apply to you. 

Strangers approaching your door to "tell you about Jesus" is a scary thing. Instead of driving to someone else's neighborhood,  why don't you focus on the spiritual health of your own? Talk to your neighbors, get to know them, care about them. Chances are, if you're on good terms with the people in your community, they'll be more likely to talk to you about their personal beliefs than some random pedestrians handing out tracts on a Tuesday afternoon. 

I know you've heard the phrase, "actions speak louder than words." Well, this saying has great applications to our faith as Christians. If you act differently than those around you (in a good way...), others may become curious. If others become curious, they may ask why. If they ask why, then BAM...you can tell those curious people about the one relationship in your life that inspires you to love others and the one person who won't ever let you down. Look, I know the Christian "walk" isn't easy, especially when it comes to sharing your faith. In fact, I often feel like my walk is stuck in a crawl, but if you witness out of love in non-abrasive ways, often the results that God inspires in these interactions will be beautiful and certainly not in the least overrated. 

Dating 101

As a single female, I was walking around AC Moore last week with some friends, and in the midst of the extremely scandalous things that were occurring on the coloring pencil aisle (super exciting stuff), I was struck by an interesting question: if I was on a date that was going seriously wrong, what would I do? Seriously, would I be able to handle it? How would I get out of it?

Now, for the purpose of this question, let's assume a few basic facts:
1. You don't know this person very well. Let's say you've been out between 1-4 times.
2. You went to a public setting (mall, restaurant, movie, department store...).
3. If you didn't drive separately, you have a friend you could call who would be willing to pull an "Enterprise" and pick yo' butt up. (On a totally unrelated note, I still get strangers calling me a few times a month wanting to rent-a-car..)

Ok, now that we've taken care of those small details, what do you do? Personally, my flight or fight reaction hasn't always been the best navigator in my life, and like most people, I'm more confident in my abilities to escape from a situation than confront it like an adult. Besides, it would be too easy and simple to merely say that you're not having a good time and want to go home. Communication is obviously too hard these days (one day I will write a book about this...), so how can anyone possibly escape a downward spiraling date? Well, if you don't care about your reputation, are feeling kind of gutsy, will never see this person again, and have nothing to lose...I can help you.

1. Cry uncontrollably
What makes you sad: unwanted puppies in a box, old people falling, failing a test, memories of your childhood? Well, think of something and ride that emotional roller coaster! Blame your emotional state on menstruation, your parents forgetting your birthday when you were twelve, or a random stranger who insulted your dog by simply glancing at you as he/she passed by. Get worked up verbally, and once the tears start to flow, this performance should look like the real deal. It's even better if you're wearing make-up, are an extremely loud/obnoxious crier, snot alot, or begin to hyperventilate when you get upset. Most men don't know how to handle a crying female, so ladies, this tactic could work in your favor and get you a one-way ticket back to being unattached. Trust me, he'll buy your performance...women are expected to be emotional.

2. Pitch a Fit
Here's your chance to channel your inner-child. Seriously, find an open space in a public setting (preferably a mall or department store) and be as melodramatic as possible. Throw yourself upon that scuffed-up tile and make the other shoppers in that store believe that you will physically explode if you can't have *fill in the blank with any frivolous item within reach.* Just like in the previous post, the louder you are, the better. Heck, if your face turns red then you are doing it right. In this case, he'll most likely think your behavior is so ridiculous that he will just leave without you...score.

3. Go to the Bathroom...like alot
So you find yourself at a restaurant and it's not going well. In fact, a one-way trip on the Titanic looks like more fun than your current situation. Maybe he's boring, eats like a wild hog, or smells...you want to escape? I don't blame you at all. Well, to give yourself small breaks from his delightful company until the date inevitably crumbles, excuse yourself to the little girls room...as much as possible. Start with an initial trip five minutes into the meal to "powder your nose" or whatever slang women use when they want to do mysterious things in the bathroom. After you return, wait ten more minutes and excuse yourself again to pee. Make sure your trips become more frequent, last longer, and that you walk more quickly towards the bathroom each time. After the fourth trip, don't even excuse yourself or apologize, just leave the table and don't don't say anything about these "episodes" when you get back. Eventually he'll assume you have diarrhea and (if he's a gentlemen) offer to take you home. (If this fails, just announce to the restaurant that you have diarrhea and run out in an awkward, penguin-esque fashion.)

4. Disguise Yourself
So there isn't a bathroom or an audience to use in your quest to escape this tragic date...well, dig around in your purse, and use the tools you have at your disposal to change your appearance. You don't have to pull out a fat suit, dye your hair, or change your entire outfit; you can rely on more subtle changes. If your hair is down, throw it up in a messy bun or sleek pony tail. If you brought make-up with you, you can add crazy eyeshadow, draw a facial tattoo on your forehead, or apply a bright shade of lipstick. If you're wearing a jacket, take that bad boy off and sling it around your shoulders, wrap it around your neck as a fashionable scarf, or tie it around your head like a bonnet. Wearing pants or a dress? You can alter the length of your outfit, turn it inside out, or even wear it backwards. You just want a noticeable change. This way, if you can't excuse yourself to the "bathroom" and slip out unnoticed and he notices you...he probably won't want to talk to you anymore.

5. Pass a Kidney Stone
Go ahead. Pass one...right there. Think "child birth," screams, moans, grunts and all. Wherever you are just stop and pass that stone.Trust me, he'll pass on that next date.

Ok, so I'm a single female giving advice on how to escape bad dates...that's fine. I'm still a credible source. Anyway, my lack of interaction with the opposite sex isn't the issue here; what's important is the amount of imagination and guts you can muster to save yourself from dreadful dates (in this case, I have an abundance of both). Think about it, the sooner you escape from these horrible dates, the sooner you can go on some awesome dates with the man of your dreams (not to mention you'll have some entertaining stories to tell your friends, family, and other potential suitors). Think of these episodes, not as failed adventures in your love-life but, as memories in the making. You're welcome. Besides, getting a little creative on a date now and then isn't overrated...it's awesome.

Window Shopping

As a female, one of the most delightful things I can possibly do is make jokes that objectify women (in fact, this is how I break up awkward silences, make new friends, and scare prudes). However, just because I enjoy poking fun at women does not mean that I can't enjoy objectifying strangers...and by "strangers," I mean men.

C'mon! As women, we have all taken notice of the beautiful specimens of the opposite gender that haunt our favorite watering holes, workplaces, and temples of academia. And as women, there is nothing wrong with visually admiring men and complementing them in our minds (or out loud if you're particularly brave). I like to think of it as window shopping; I'm available to make a purchase if I so desire, but I'm quite content (at the moment) to merely peruse the display racks and take notes of what I would want in a future purchase. Simply put, "checking out guys is like looking at a book shelf; I may admire it, but I'm not taking it home with me."

So, now that we've established, through my attempt to non-offensively objectify men in a metaphor about shopping in order to defend a woman's right to "ogle" over a man, that a cute guy is equivalent to a bookshelf...now what? Well, so glad you asked. From my vast wealth of life experience, I have decided to compile a list of principles, suggestions if you will, to keep in mind for when you're "shopping." And, the beauty of this list is that I'm fairly certain that both genders could learn a little something from it...

1. "look but don't touch"
This is a pretty simple rule. When you window shop, in real life...not the metaphor (stay with me), you expect to merely look at the merchandise...not buy it. Sure, you may have cash burning a hole in your pocket or have a credit card that's dying to get out more, but that wasn't your purpose. You came to look, and the only body part that should be actively doing anything should be your eyes. Anything else and you are in danger of being considered a creep, have mall security called on you, and let's not mention all the explaining you'll have to do...let's just avoid this hassle, shall we? 

2. don't be unrealistic (aka, "girl quit playing")
Ok, feel free to drool over that olive-skinned just-stepped-out-of-a-Grecian-painting-chiseled-on-abs-oh-gosh-you-are-a-pretty man. However, know that your little moment of mental happiness is the closest to a relationship you'll ever have with this aesthetically-pleasing creature, other than the awkward eye-contact you are currently rocking. Girl, don't play with yourself. Save yourself the headache and mental anguish by just moving on and shopping in something more of your speed. Why don't you check over in the video game section or the face wash aisle?

3. know when to shop alone
Friends can make shopping trips "super fun" (please tell me you read that in a valley-girl voice...), and who doesn't love visually picking apart random guys with your "gal-pals" (oh, throw-back word). However, sometimes problems can arise when some of your friends realize that you continue to check out the same "bookshelf." So, on your next boy-gazing trip, (especially if you are revisiting a bookshelf you've had your eye on for awhile) if you think that your friends might attempt to persuade you to interact with the shelf or imagine your future with it ("oh, it doesn't matter if it's available or not, go ahead and pick out a nice spot for it in your house!"), maybe you should take a personal shopping trip and give your friends a rain check.

4. pursued not pursuer
Obviously I had females in mind with this rule. Ladies, you should not have to work your butts off to get guys to notice you. That is not your job. It's one thing to notice lovely members of the opposite gender, but if you feel like it's your God-given task in life to get "Mr. Hottie with the body" to pick-up what you're putting down...you've got another thing coming. Yes, women are "empowered" now (ra ra, go us). I know that this might be a bit old-fashioned, but if a guy is worth it, he will work to get you to notice him. End of story. Bottom line. Stop crying.

5. buyers rights (the power of the "final say" of the purchase)
You've eyed the shelf for awhile, read the reviews, your friends even agree that it's a pretty great investment, and you've decided that you can move on from checking out your shelf to investing in it. Good for you. It may be a bit scary, but just remember, as a buyer, you have the power at the cash register to say "no" if you're having doubts. If you're not completely sold on the idea, better leave that shelf in the store (if you know what I mean). Take some time, think about it, and when you're confident in your decision, check to see if it's still available. If it is, great...good luck with your new shelf. If it's not there anymore, than it wasn't worth waiting for and you deserve a better, more reliable shelf. 


6. the "return policy" is NOT the end of the world
So you made the wrong purchase, no biggie. Seriously, calm down brosephus (*bro-see-phis). The beauty of "buying bookshelves" is that you aren't married to one just because you've decided to move it into your office and house your entire Jane Austen collection on it. There are other shelves out there. Just take your purchase back acknowledging that it was a mistake and move on. It might take awhile to get over your shelf (maybe you grew attached to it or it started to look really good in your living room), but you will move on. You're not the first buyer to have doubts or regrets about her purchase..and you won't be the last.

Now, obviously, these principles aren't an exact science. Exceptions will come along and life will happen. The important thing to keep in mind when you window shop, however, is that you need to set some guidelines (even if they're loose, only verbally acknowledged, or are comprised of a series of secret hand gestures between your friends). Remember, every shelf deserves love, and there isn't a reason why you too can't own your own bookshelf one day. If you are seriously in the market, then these are important things to consider. It's not impossible, and certainly not overrated, to shop responsibly.

A Cup of Joe, Steve, or Jack

Coffee, like oxygen, plays a vital role in the lives of many individuals. I say "many" because you will find those confused individuals who believe that this rich beverage doesn't serve a valuable purpose on Earth (that's like saying that we don't REALLY need oxygen...). Well, they're wrong. Coffee is a splendorous and magical drink that has socially brought people together for years. And, one of the beautiful things about coffee is the various forms and recipes that it can be found it. This is why the lines at Starbucks can take forever to navigate through; when you have a drink that is so versatile (as coffee is), people who drink it know what they like and want a specific combination of coffee, cream, sugar, artificial flavors, foam, whip cream, steam, milk, syrup...need I continue?

Coffee is such a magical and practical thing/beverage/cup-of-delight that it can be used to describe other things, say men. Now, just like every woman has her ideals for the perfect "cup of joe," she also has (hopefully) specifications and standards for her man (named Joe, Steve, Jack, or what have you). Now, this metaphor, like all man-made metaphors (trying saying that five times fast), is imperfect and has it's limitations...but that doesn't mean it can't be entertaining. I mean, think about all the specifications for coffee/men; imagine the possibilities. Your coffee choices can say a lot about the man you want.

1.  Body Type
Tall - so you like little guys...no shame
Grande - a medium-man
Venti - or large for you non-coffe drinkers...
Full - filled out nicely?
Skinny - uh...plenty of shrimp in the sea?
Thick - "lumberjacks wanted"
Hot - let's hope so
Warm - so you can't handle a hot man...we're not judging
Strong - who doesn't want one of these?

2. Complexion/Ethnicity
Dark - tall dark and...well, you know
Mocha - it just sounds so...nice
Light - vague, but nice
French - who doesn't?
Carmel - what a pretty color...
White - white mocha...I'm not being racist

3. Personality/ Life Style
Rich -that would be nice
"Americano" -heh heh...funny
Whipped -whether it starts out that way or not...
Sweet -awww, yes.
Cold -whatever floats your boat?
Mellow -so chill man, so chill (and yes...this is an actual coffee term, look it up)
Organic -hippies need love too

Now, I'm a proud coffee drinker who is currently using a solo cup (hey, it's a pretty nifty and AWESOME solo cup), and there is nothing wrong with that. But, that doesn't keep me from appreciating the various cups of "Joe" out there (or from using this insanely entertaining metaphor). It could be that my standards are just too ridiculous. But, who wouldn't want someone tall, rich, and in a jar? (Please laugh...this is a joke. I'm not a serial killer. Just don't look in my trunk...) To each her own, and, as the various forms of coffee (and men) has taught us females, having different tastes and preferences is only natural. Taking the time to figure out exactly what we want, in java and man forms, will never be overrated. It would be a shame to hastily grab a cup and realize that the contents are appalling, unappetizing, or cause us to break out in hives.

Another One Bites the Suds

After being woken up this morning by the most irritating, yet cute, alarm clock ever (2 dogs...I'm not married yet) this morning, my female wiring kicked in and began to run laundry. (Insert feminist comment...wanna hear a joke? Women's rights...) Anyway, I'm cycling laundry (don't worry fellah's...I'll try to use simple terms) and I take all of the dry laundry out of the dryer (machine with no water) and place them on the dining room table (the thing where you eat...just kidding, that's the sofa). As I begin to fold them (make them pretty), lo and behold, I find what I've been missing ALL MY LIFE: my chapstick.

That's right folks, another poor tube of chapstick has bitten the dust, gone before it's time was up, expired and eloped into an early grave, took the bath of his life, past the point of no return (this one's serious; have you ever tried to return laundered goods? I can't imagine it would be easy...). What makes it even more horrifying is when I discovered him nestled between a pair of shorts and a towel. His little body was so light, and when I took off the cap...he was hollow, empty of that life-saving chappy-stickiness. I nearly wept with sympathy for the little guy...or a piece of lint may have flown up into my eye.

Such is the plight, life, and end of many an item that tragically gets forgotten in a piece of dirty laundry and takes the sudsy plunge. In a moment of grief, let's take the time to reflect on (and appreciate) the various trinkets, tools, and toys that took the one-way ticket to their sudsy graves.

1. Cell Phones/Ipods
This is probably the most upsetting/expensive type of item that has accidentally been drowned in said machine. Usually this is an accident when the owner of electronic device throws a pair of pants or a jacket in the wash unaware or the tragedy about to occur. Once in a blue moon, this is the fault of many individuals...but I mean, c'mon. How likely is it that a phone was left on top of a washing machine and your friends place their laundry on top of your phone (on top of the washer)...and the rest is history? Not very likely? That's what I thought...just get a bag of rice. I hear that works in most/half/some/once in a blue moon. Oh well...should have gotten a cheaper phone/mp3 player.

2. Paper Money/Wallets
I feel that this is more often the case for men, who do not have purses and do not actually (in 9 out of 10 cases...there are exceptions to every rule) wash the clothes. Hopefully, you have a vigilant wife/child/girlfriend/mom who will catch and fix this grievous error that you made. (This also takes into account the missing money that you encounter after said "washing" process...let's just say children...women in general who are forced to do the laundry are opportunists...you do the math.) However, while a washer could lose your coins, it doesn't always destroy your paper money. Sometimes it just cleans it...depends on how weak your money is. Obviously, foreign currency fairs worse in this process cause ain't nothing stronger than some of that Ah-Mur-i-can money. It may be depreciated in value, but it can take a spin cycle and...and...not yeah, I got nothing.

3. Gum
This is just sad, and sometimes ruins your favorite _________ (fill-in-the-blank with the article of clothing of your choice). I mean, gum? Not only do you NOT get to chew it and freshen your breath/look like a gangsta (yeah Double Bubble...you know what I'm talkin' 'bout), but it gets stuck...and stays with you FOREVER. Ok, maybe not "FOREVER," but an annoyingly long time. Gosh, talk about one chewable adhesive that overstays it's welcome...

4. Chap Stick
Nope, too soon...

5. Notes
I know we've all been there. Whether it's notes for class, a note you got passed in class, or the instructions for your Walkman when they were cool (don't know what a Walkman is? Get out), one of the worst things EVER is to take the clothes out of the dryer and find a clump of white paper. At this point clump is too generous of a term...it's more like a horribly disfigured paper-mache rock. You can't read it, or even open it, so it just taunts you. If only you'd caught it before it went in the dryer, it might have stood a chance...you monster.

6. Candy
Kind of like gum, let's just say you only wanted half of a candy bar. What to do with the rest...well, if you're a 5 year old boy (or a guy in general...sorry to hate guys, but the women-folk are stuck with the laundering duties...I gotta vent) you stick that candy back in your pocket. Let's just say that your mom is not observant at all, has no thumbs, preoccupied, Helen Keller, or the boy stuck his pants in the washer himself...he's about to lose his treat and get a brand new pair of seemingly "soiled" pants to wear. Oh yeah man, chicks dig the brown.

7. Pens
The only thing worse than your pen leaking into your shirt/pants at work...is to release one into the wild Maytag and discover that this writing utensil left you a "present" on everything unlucky enough to be in there with it. I guess this unfortunate result could become a game of sorts: spot the ink stain, Rorschach therapy to-go...the possibilities are endless.


You'll be happy to know that I sent little "Chappy" off in style; he had the funeral of a true champion. Yeah...I sighed regretfully as I tossed him (gently) into the freshly cleaned (another side-effect of my womanly genes) blue trashcan (symbolizing my intense grief) in the kitchen (the woman's "Mecca"). Yes, it was traumatic. Yes, it might just happen again. However, this is one of those times where you learn a valuable lesson: it is never overrated to buy your chap stick in bulk.

Daddy Issues

I, like most young adults, find Disney movies quite fun to watch. Who doesn't love hanging out with a group of friends and singing along to some Disney classics?

This is not to say that all these movies are:
A. accurate regarding the fairy tale/story they allege to represent
B. entirely child-appropriate
C. realistic in portraying healthy relationships between family members/couples

BUT, what can I say....these movies will certainly entertain the pants right off you (ok...probably not the best metaphorical choice to describe a series of child movies). Watching just about any Walt Disney flick is sure to entertain a roomful of children (or college students) for approximately 45 minutes to 2 hours (and some change).

There are a variety of movies to choose from, however, they are all quite formulaic: love, adventure, turmoil, parental problems, villain, fight, happily ever-after. Adorable. However, if you pay even the slightest amount of attention to just about any Disney movie, you will notice that one of the most common components you'll see is the (ever so predictable) "daddy issues" one (or more) of the characters will have. I'm not even kidding...daddy issues. Who'd have thought? Pretty original, right?
I mean, there are only a handful of problems that be filmed, so why come up with anything new? Too much work...duh.

Anyway, to prove my unquestionable point, let's do a brief recap, shall we, of the various daddy issues you'll see (brought to you specially by by Mr. Walt Disney himself).

1. Dead daddy
Ok, I can kind of (no, not relate...my dad's alive and kicking) understand why this daddy issue could screw up a character's life so much. I mean, look at the evidence:
        Simba - blames himself for his father's death, runs away, and lives with two bug-eating shut-ins
        Cinderella - no daddy love...becomes obedient pacifist, victimized by horrible step-relatives
        Alice - she's just weird...her dad's death only promoted her trippy imagination
        Snow White - father's death leaves protagonist defenseless to cruel treatment by psycho step-mom
        Tarzan - c'mon...both parents die and, as a result he becomes a complete animal...pun intended
        Tianna - all work and no play makes her dull...seriously, is that all she remembers about her dad?

2. Deadbeat daddy
Again, I cannot relate, but when a Disney character's dad is out of the picture...well, let's just say there are gonna be some issues...
        Hercules - Zeus? Really? Oh yeah, wait until the kid is old enough to realize he's different before coming out of the "heavenly closet"
        Dumbo - We NEVER see his dad...he had to inherit those freakishly large ears from one parent (you think he would have been around to support his ostracized kid)
        Quasimodo - lives in a bell-tower, hideously deformed...obviously it's cause he didn't have a good father-figure in his life (Frollo...yeah right)
        Andy - plays with toys that are alive, too stupid to ever figure it out...if only his dad had been there
        Bambi - mother dies, he's scarred for life (emotionally), and his dad is the mysterious buck in the background...that's good parenting.

3. "Dumb" daddy
Not to say that all of these characters are right, or that they all think that their own fathers are dumb, but sometimes they sure act like they think their fathers have the IQ of a pickle (not to insult pickles). 
        Pocahontas - Disobeys racist father for love...both are wrong, but what happened to obeying one's parents? She could have married Kocoum and had quite little Indian babies...oh well.
        Ariel - Disobeys father for love/adventure...obviously he has no idea what he's talking about. Oh, what's that? He couldn't hear you over the sound of himself being turned into a sea-weed like slave of an evil sea witch...selfish, soulless red-headed devil girl.
        Belle - Father was actually dumb (I mean, you don't take another man's chair...)
        Jasmine - Father was actually dumb, but that doesn't mean you have to run off with the first lying hobo-thief who saves you from being carted off to prison (who knew that you actually needed money to buy stuff...)
        Mulan - Thinks father is dumb...obviously he should have been put into a home cause he was practically ancient. Ain't no way daddy's going to war...I know! Let's cross-dress instead...
        Wendy - Let's face it...everyone hates Mr. Darling...jealous of a dog? C'mon...maybe she wouldn't have flown away if someone hadn't stated the obvious (that's right, you grow up Wendy...)

Yeah, Disney is original. They are SO original that daddy issues run rampant in many of their films. Now, I will admit, there is some variety to the daddy problems (I mean, they do present 3 entirely distinct ideas...). But, aside from the sarcasm and critique, I don't think these flaws in parental character portrayals should prevent one (young or old) from enjoying the magical experience that is "the Disney movie." In fact, you should go watch one right now. Do it, I'm serious. Go on, what are you still doing here? Just because it's predictable, doesn't mean old (dead) Walt's life work should be considered overrated.

The Golden Years

So I'm standing in Goodwill the other day...oh, wait. This sounds like the introduction to a cute little story or a funny (and slightly offensive) joke. Well, that's not entirely the point of this antecedent. Anyway...I was standing in Goodwill perusing the racks of gently used items, and lo and behold I heard a wail. Not just any wail, the wail of am inconsolable infant who was shrieking for attention while their parent was otherwise occupied. Let me specify...by "infant," I mean a child between the ages of 3 and 4, and by "parent" who "was otherwise occupied," I mean their mom was too busy looking at random junk to actually be attending her child. Oh, I guess she was occasionally yelling at said child in the store. Does that count as good parenting? Maybe contemporary parenting...

Anyway, so while I was exposed to this loud and obtrusive display of improper child-rearing, I received an epiphany: I'm at a great age, a golden age in fact. In one's early twenties, there are so many opportunities that aren't always taken advantage of. I have less responsibility (it's like I'm an adult, but I'm not), I'm unattached (it's a temporary condition, like dandruff), and if I wanted chicken nuggets at 3am...let's just say Sarrah's gettin' her some nuggets. Does this come as a shock? Uneducated are we? Wait, let me put on my shocked face...there it is. "Please Sarrah, tell me about the plethora of possibilities that I can, as a 20-something year-old, enjoy the benefits of. Well, I'm so glad you asked. Sit back and pay attention cause we're going back to school (and yes, this will be on the test).

1. Less responsibility
I don't have chores at college. I don't have to file taxes (at least...I don't think I do...I'm pretty poor). My dad takes care of that stuff anyway. I don't have a family of my own (so no house cleaning, cooking, or all that nonsense). And, I am SO thankful that I don't have kids. I mean, It's not that I dislike kids. In fact, if you know me at all, you know that I absolutely love babies and I find children quite appealing until they get old enough to start arguing with you (there's a limited window available for this love). But as a free-loading 20-something, I don't have to worry about all that adult stuff...not yet.

2. Being Young
Some call this "inexperience," I think of it as being in my prime. If were were all produce, the sprightly 20-somethings would be fresher and more appealing to shoppers. I'm not terribly old yet, I'm only 1/5th of the way dead. If 50 year old's have one foot in the grave (not to be insensitive...there is a mathematical formula behind this reasoning) then the big toe on my right foot is casually playing in the loose soil at the bottom of my grave. You know, nothing serious. It's just chillin' there, doing what big toes do in dirt.

4. Making Dumb Decisions
This goes along with number 2. As a young person, a 20-something year-old is not held to the same standard of decision-making as older adults. They do not have the same amount (or type) of life experience for practical application in their young lives. Now, this doesn't mean that dumb choices don't have their consequences, BUT being young, dumb choices have a certain charm to them...a certain expectation is held for young adults. We are supposed to screw up at multiple points in our youth. We wouldn't want to disappoint our elders...

3. Elasticity
Okay...we're not "indestructible," but one of the amazing things of youth is that we're pretty bendable. You know, we "go with the flow." Now, this isn't the case for every event in our young lives, but it's like what I said earlier. If we want to get/have/eat/enjoy/do/see something at an unseemly hour of the day or night, our young bodies/mentalities allow us to more easily drop what we're doing and go forth to secure the item/thing we wanted. Sure we might get less sleep, but as young people, our bodies are more forgiving (did I also mention less joint pain?).

Huh...only 4 benefits of youth. Go figure. Well, I suppose that being in your 20's is full of plenty more benefits and opportunities, but being in my youth (and time is precious), I don't have nearly enough time to list them all. By the time I finished that list, I would be in my 50's...and then I'd be half-way dead. And then I would have to deal with adult responsibilities, I wouldn't be young, and my elasticity would have worn out (like a stretched-out rubber band...or a basset hound's face). Anyway, I'm not saying that growing up is overrated...we all have to do it sometime. But, not taking advantage of the benefits of youth, now that's overrated.

Can't Buy Me Love

It's that time of year again...boyfriends flood the nearest Wal-Mart in the vain attempts (especially if they waited this late) to snatch up a fluffy, overpriced teddy bear holding a heart between it's paws. Or, if they consider themselves especially romantic, they might be looking for a "non-conformist" stuff animal, candy, flowers, or a Hallmark card. I mean, we all know that nothing says "I love you" like one of the millions of mass-produced stuffed dogs sold on Valentine's Day. Whoops...I guess now you know what today is. I was trying to let you down easy.

It's not like I have anything against this commercialized expression of love. If that's how you show someone you care for them one day per year, that's your prerogative. Don't let me spoil it for you. I just find this holiday a little too "cut and dry" for my taste.

Seriously, think about it; if you are dating someone, modern society practically dictates what you do (aka....try to be romantic so you can tell your friends that you are still in a relationship come February 15th). If you aren't dating (you poor socially-awkward lepers), obviously you have a couple options of your own. So...for your (and especially my own) entertainment and education, I've made today a bit clearer for you. Here are all of the pigeon-holes created by Valentine's Day. Say you don't belong to one...I dare you.

1. "The Newlyweds"
Maybe you just started dating and this is your first Consumerism's Day...Valentine's Day together. Or, maybe you've been dating for awhile (or GASP! married...), and you two love birds just love love (the idea, physical manifestation of, being in debt, or each other). Then obviously, this is your holiday. So, go out and spend your monthly salaries to make each other happy. We won't judge you. There's at least a quarter of the population who are (or claim to be) just like you (why do you think so many babies are born in November?).

2. "The Little Rascal"
In an effort to avoid sexism, I named this individual after the popular television show most of you are too young to remember watching. I wanted to call this one "The Man Hater"...but I realized that some men hate women, some women hate kittens, and some kittens hate men (so obviously I would try to pick a title that was a bit more "non-descriptive"). This individual, for they are exactly that...alone, are completely content with being alone at Valentine's Day. While they might not "hate" (that's a really strong word) the opposite gender, they haven't yet found "the one" and spend Valentine's Day in one of three ways:

            I. Moping ("Woe is Me! I'm Single!")

            II. Celebrating ("Whoo hoo! I'm Free!")

            III. In a state of Apathy ("That's today? I didn't even notice.")

            IIII. Romancing Alone ("Of course this candy is for me...")

3. "The Opportunist"

This person may/may not be in a loving relationship, but they see Valentine's Day as a commercial gain. Whether they are the single individual who has always wanted a heart-shaped pillow and see a good pre-Valentine's Day deal on one or they have a wicked sweet-tooth and take advantage of the clearance post-Valentine's Day sale on heart-shaped candy. They see something they want at an alleged "low price", and by golly they take it.

4. "The Heart Breaker"
Because there are those people who despise such a holiday, this individual is the .3% of the population who view this "day of romance" as the perfect opportunity to ditch their significant other. Sure, it's a bit harsh...but it's an expensive world (especially around Valentine's Day).

5. "The Old Couple"
Maybe they are madly in love and as crazy about each other as two kids (let's pretend that this description is simply ironic and does not come with an assigned age range...) can be. That doesn't mean that they celebrate Valentine's Day. This couple, whether they learned this from their parents, over time, or it just hit them one day out of the blue (still not sure what that idiom means...), don't celebrate Valentine's Day by choice. They recognize the day for what it truly is, a celebration of consumerism, and they refuse to be a part of it; this couple doesn't need one day a year to tell each other with material items how they feel about their relationship. They show each other every day. I'm not gonna lie...while they may be a little hard to find, these are my favorite people.

Okay, so maybe that was not as "cut and dry" as I claimed it was going to be. Why don't you go out and buy some heart-shaped candies and flowers to comfort yourself. I mean, if you're single that is. If not, than go ahead you Cheap-a-saurus Rex! Go buy some love for your sweetie (are kids still using this word nowadays? Maybe I should say beau or boo-thang'). Anyway, the whole point of this wasn't to say that I'm bitter or cynical towards love (even though those are two completely plausible conclusions that you may have found yourself at upon reading this informative and completely unbiased public service announcement).  I love love; it's not the idea behind it that I'm so infatuated with, but the genuine, wordless love that you see expressed between families, friends, (and most importantly and visually) God to us. Maybe that's the true idea of love that we should be celebrating. The love of the Father who gave His beloved son for us. Now THAT ladies and gents is not overrated in the slightest.

Un-Adulterated

Since turning 20, I have come to 3 conclusions:

1. It's impossible to make everyone happy.

2. No Shave November isn't just for guys.

3. I'm never going to grow up.

These vital and life-changing realizations have all been made while I was in school. What can I say, at least I have learned something useful in college. God knows (everything...but specifically) that I'm paying them enough that I should at least receive something useful out of it. Personally, if upon graduation my school offered me an apartment (all expenses paid for one year), a decent job, a full ride to the grad school of my choice, and a puppy...let's just say I'd be one extremely satisfied graduate. But unless there's a puppy, no deal (because obviously that would be the most difficult stipulation for them to pull off).

I'm not saying that getting a degree in addition to the basic 12-years of public schooling bliss isn't important. Quite the contrary, in fact. In order to get a decent job in this economy, you need to have some extra e-d-u (short for education...please try to keep up) tucked under your academic belt. Yes, it is expensive (my, you're quite observant). If there is one consistent thing that students everywhere enjoy complaining about (besides questionable cafeteria food) it's the price of tuition. If I ever have kids (geniuses, of course) and wanted to put them through school (through their academic valor, of course), it would probably cost them 4 pints of blood and their first born child. That's how ridiculous tuition is. No joke.

However, one thing that greatly irritates me (occasionally surmounting my irritation with tuition prices, girls who think leggings are pants, and 12-year-olds with iPhones) is the "highschool dating scene" that translates into the college atmosphere among the freshman, and occasionally sophomore, class. Being in college does not make you an adult. Yes, there are many new and fresh faces brimming with testosterone and estrogen (I mean males and females...nothing in between). BUT, just because you see a new attractive face, body, ect, does not mean that you should feel obligated/allowed to ask out said attractive person after knowing them for 2 months because you are "an adult" in "college."

I witnessed this phenomenon when I was a freshman and have seen it duplicated every year since. Freshmen come to college. Freshmen see pretty, opposite gendered people. Freshmen like pretty, opposite gendered people. Freshmen hang out in a group of friends with said pretty, opposite gendered people. Freshmen eventually ask out pretty, opposite gendered people. All goes well from a few weeks to nearly a year. Come back from break, and all hell breaks loose. I cannot stand it when individuals within a newly formed group of friends begin to date. If the relationship doesn't work out, the group won't stay the same. What can I say, I'm a sucker for consistency. Some of the mutual friends will stick with both friends, some will pick one friend that they are closer to, and other friends will throw their hands up in the air and wave them like they just don't care.

Ok, that last part was a bit exaggerated...I only wave one arm in the air. It happens all the time though. See if I'm wrong. Next time you're out on the wildlife preserve known as the university campus, watch the native inhabitants. I guarantee that the vast majority of couples you'll find coupling' it up won't be together in a year (maybe less). This isn't to say that I'm against all relationships. I know a vast majority of relationships that are steady, serious, and have/or likely will end in marriage. I'm overjoyed for these individuals, thrilled even. I'm merely commenting that based on how dating is often treated in a flippant, irreverent manner (for sport, curiosity, entertainment, rather than with serious and long-term intentions), I have become a bit cynical towards college dating. I almost wish that teenagers weren't allowed to date either:
A. until they got to college (that's the level of enthusiasm many of them show anyway)
B. until they have a steady job (because it's really romantic when all your dates occur on campus...)
C. when their parents tell them they can (so what if some won't be able to date until they're married...)
D. when God gives them permission

Obviously, 'D' is the absolute best answer (which is often a combination of A-C). My whole mindset as a result of such continuous unification and splintering is simply this, "I am Switzerland." Side note, have you ever considered how Switzerlanders...Switzerlandians...the Swiss feel about our use of their country in such a non-committal personification? It's kind of like saying, "I'm feeling Canadian" when you feel like calling ham "bacon," paying to much for books, and adding an "ay" to the end of all your sentences. Anyway, back to the Swiss. My whole point with this analogy is that when my friends and acquaintances break up, get together, and date in an overall ADD fashion...I try to stay out of it. I'll hang out with whoever will have me, and I'll try to show love to everyone I encounter. Albeit a very sarcastic and cynical type of verbal affection, for the most part, but I'm trying to work on that. I'm close to those I'm close with, and I try not to let their personal life choices dissuade me from doing so.

Earlier, I put college in quotes (for you non-scholarly individuals, I mean these " ") in an attempt to question the sanity and realistic nature of higher learning universities and institutes but merely to elaborate on the silliness of the emphatic belief that college=adulthood. Attending college does not make you an adult any more than working at McDonald's makes you a BigMac. College, over time, might make you a more responsible and mature adult as you live on your own and realize how much your decisions affect you. Continuing with the Mickey D's analogy I suppose translates as the longer you work, the greater potential you have of getting fat (not entirely a stretch when you think about it...).

Ultimately, in both cases, you have a chance, an opportunity.  In my professional opinion, immediately diving into the dating pool in college is a mistake and (what can only be described as) an overrated cultural practice, finding your academic footing for a semester or two as a single scholar (and soon-to-be adult) is usually a wise move. However, what you choose to do in college is up to you, so in the words of the geriatric knight Harrison Ford encounters while looking for the Holy Grail, "choose wisely".

Dorm 101

So the institutions...I mean colleges across the country are once again packed full of nearly broke young people (with the occasional oldie-locks thrown in...and that means old people if you don't know what that euphemism means) who are ready to start this semester with its glorious tests, papers, and scary professors. For freshman, most sophomores, and those juniors/seniors who opt to do it, staying on campus seems quite attractive...at times. Is it fun and games and rainbows and sunshine all the time? No. Most of the time? No. Even half the time? NO.

That being said, what can you expect from living in a dorm? Utmost privacy and courteous suite mates right? Heh heh heh...you don't even know.

1. Bunks are low, ceilings are lower
Bunks beds are a beautiful thing. (How's that for a little alliteration?) However, they come in one of two ways...either they give the bottom bunker (heh heh...sounds funny) ample head room and the top bunker a concussion every time they get into bed OR the bed squishes the bottom bunker and gives the top bunker plenty of...well everything room. My bed is kind of in the middle. Luckily my bottom bunker-roomie-friend is tiny and a bit short so she fits quite nicely into the bottom bed, but while my bed is pretty reasonable in height...the ceiling doesn't agree. Let's just say I have had a few close calls and one almost-nearly-permanent head trauma incident when I wanted a mere nap. Was that too much to ask for? Apparently it was...

2. No magic allowed
 Puppies, babies, rainbows, crock pots, toaster ovens, hedgehogs, babies, boys, power tools, and electromagnets...what do they all have in common? Well, they're all a small piece of magic that brings happiness to girls everywhere, AND they're not allowed in my college dorm. I mean, I could maybe understand the rainbows and the boys...but toaster ovens?! Really? Way to be lame school, way to be lame.

3. The walls have ears
So you know how walls are supposed to keep sound out (at least to a small degree)...yeah, these walls don't do that. Especially the bathroom walls. While, at least at college, we're all adults (ok, let's just pretend that this statement applies to all of us) about bathroom things, since when is it a smart idea to blast rap music in the bathroom at 8am? Or even to have shouting matches with your "honey boo thing"
in the bathroom no matter what hour? Let's just say, what happens in your room/bathroom/suite mates room isn't as private as you might think it is. A little tact would be nice...

4. The AC is alive

So you put your air conditioner on one temperature and then you come back a few hours later...and it's different!! Whoa! Yeah, I think it gets its kicks out of cooling down to a reasonable temperature and then dropping down to ice age levels when you least expect. By the end of the semester...I might just have frostbite.

5. Suite mates can bite
So because you can only sign up with people who are living with you in your room, you have no control over who gets to share your bathroom with you. This can sometimes manifest itself as a pleasant surprise and other times...let's just say it rhymes with durst white-hair (please tell me you got that..."worst nightmare"). You either get a good one or a scary one...kind of like the lottery. Too bad I'm not one to gamble.

6. A meeting of minds
So if you live on campus, every hallway has it's resident "baby sitter". No, the school does not refer to them as such...I think the practical term is RA (really awesome, regular aardvarks, rusty artists...). Anyway, they have these snazzy meetings once a month to tell us things that we already know (it's quite redundant really) and make sure we're not dead. Overall, it's one aggravation that I'd rather not deal with. Not to say that RAs are horrible...it's just like having a pet turtle, kind of stinks and is altogether pointless.

Now these are only some of the negative aspects of living in the dorms. Honestly, it's not horrible. Is it more expensive than living off campus? Yes. Does it come with it's limitations? Of course. But overall, you're closer to your classes, you don't have to spend gas getting to class, and you're closer to your friends. So yes, that's living in the dorms (warts and all). If you ever get the hankering to come and visit the inmates at my school...students. Whatever. Anyway, if you ever want to see what it's really like to live like a hermit on these murky shores. Give me a call. As crazy as it can be, it's usually sorta-kinda not too much overrated. 

Shifting Gears

If the act of living one's life was compared to driving a car (you can decide whether it looks more like a Mercedes or a jalopy...just don't get carried away) then you could say that this truck has spent most of her life in third gear. In other (more fleshly) terms, you might argue that I've spent much of my soon-to-be 20 years on earth as a "third wheel". This is not a bad thing in the slightest. While it may be awkward at times, I now see this as a gift. However, throughout the various chapters of my third-wheeled life, I did not always appreciate being the "odd-woman out". Let's have a quick look-see at what exactly this means and maybe you too shall gain a new understanding on what it means to be single.

Stage 1 - Ignorance
"Go out with you guys? Sure. Why not? Sounds like fun. I'm there. Give me 30 minutes." (And hence my childish though process) I didn't always know what I was, concerning being the "third-wheel". Oftentimes I was just excited to be included for outings and events and didn't question why I was invited...yeah. I was a bit slow as a child (insert joke questioning this past tense reference or my current definition of myself as not being a child...yup, real original). As I got older however, I quickly outgrew the blissful ignorance from which this stage is so aptly named.

Stage 2 -Despair
"What?! A third wheel?? Since when?? That long ago!? Oh man, I'm going to die alone!!"  (And hence my thought process went something like that after I came to the realization...every single time I was invited out with a group of at least 1 couple or more)

Stage 3 - Rebellion
"Me go out with you guys? Nah, I'm just gonna stay here. Thanks guys, maybe next time. I'm not really in the mood to go out right now. How many people are going? Just you two? Maybe next time." (And hence my new thought process...I might die alone, but I'm not going to let couples feel sorry for me or use me as the "safety net" in their outings. Just leave room for Jesus why don't 'ya?)

Stage 4 - Acceptance
Well, I kind of like you two young'ns, and I don't mind going to see a movie. I suppose I can endure the constant bombardment on my senses to see you two cuddling for 2 hours...but no pet names. There's a couple of other third-wheels going? I can definitely go." (And hence the slightly kinder, but still enlightened, thought process)

Stage 5 - Rockin' It
"I should start a Bible study for other third wheels. Yes, single power! Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday too, except I don't have to buy processed love tokens for my "special someone"...I get to have a couple-free day! Just run along now to your fancy dinner...I've got  my two men, Ben and Jerry, to keep me company." (And hence my realization that I can rock being one of the few drivers still in third gear)

Now, I'm not knockin' on you fellow drivers cruising along with that special someone in the passenger's seat. If that's how you roll, then by all means, roll right on by. Don't mind me. I'm may be truckin' along at a slightly slower speed, but I'm still moving. I've driven past so many accidents and collisions that it's hard to keep them all straight as they break apart and find a new passenger to contend with. My advice/words of wisdom today concerning this occurrence would be to not "rush into a road trip". (Yes, I'm still describing relationships in car-metaphor...try to keep up)

I have had so many awkward trips where it was me and X number of couples. Not saying I didn't have a good time, but giving your third wheel a heads-up as to the possibility that they will be cruising alone on the outing is not a bad idea. As much as you and your "beloved" may wish to promise that your single friend won't feel left out...yeah, let's just not promise that. Who knows, one day I might just bump into another truck/car/hopefully it moves with 4 wheels heading in the same direction as me, and I might decide to ride shotgun for awhile. Until that day comes though I'm going to sit down, find some rockin' tunes, grab the wheel, and just enjoy the ride...which isn't overrated as far as I'm concerned.

Animal Realism

Today, I was picking up dog feces/crap/poop/excrement in my backyard (yes, it's not the most glamorous job...I am fully aware of that). So, to escape from the joys that are dog poop, I let my mind wander (a dangerous pastime...movie quote anyone?) and dwell upon the phrase "to be a fly on the wall". I suppose I now see the irony of thinking of flies while dealing with poop, but at the time such ironies escaped me. Anyway, flies. I begin to think of instances in which I would enjoy being a fly on the wall and found that most of them would never work. Why? So glad you asked.

As a relatively outspoken individual (and a female), there is no way that I could just stand back and watch if something exciting is taking place in the same room. I would buzz, annoy, dive-bomb, and be overall as distracting as I could be. That being said, why do we use animals so frequently to describe situations? Most of they time those metaphors don't accurately portray the situation. So, in the spirit of fun (and realism), let's ruin some other animal affiliated metaphors, shall we?

1. Who let the cat out of the bag?
I'm not sure why the answer to this question is necessarily a "bad thing". Animal lovers everywhere (and PETA...people eating tasty animals) would be ecstatic if someone let a cat out of a bag. So metaphorically speaking, if I ruin a surprise or spill a secret, shouldn't PETA be happy with me? I may lose my friends, but I get new animal obsessed ones...a win-win?

2. The elephant in the room
I am inclined to view this metaphor as more of a fat joke and less of an actual metaphor. If that is the case, everyone knows that "friendly elephant in the room"...moving on.

3. Eats like a bird
People have used this metaphor/simile wrong for ever. Birds consume so much stinkin' food (not literally "stinking", this is just to emphasize how the vast quantity of food they actually eat) every day. Most birds actually eat up to half of their body weight every day. So next time you see that skinny girl you want to hate on (but secretly want to look like), say that you wish she ate like a bird...cause using metaphors wrong is just stupid.

4. Swims like a fish
Fish can swim. Humans can walk. Cars break down...that's not the point. Swimming like a fish and not actually being a fish is indeed impressive, but is it accurate? Does your Michael Phelps-wanna-be friend on the swim team actually have gills? Well, can he breathe underwater? Until some things (like his anatomical structure) start changing, best be keeping your incorrect opinions to yourself. Let the fish do what they do best...judge your friend for swimming like a human.

5. Dead dog tired
This one just seems a kind of mean. You are actually as physically exhausted as your deceased canine? Scruffy? Trixy? Mr. Cuddles? Now you're just bringing up painful memories...

Have I proven my point yet? Need I go on? Trust me...I could. I am in no way hating on metaphors. I, personally, love metaphors and similes. In fact, I don't think we (as people, humans, and especially Americans) use them enough in everyday language. However, I encourage you to consider exactly what the metaphors you use are actually implying. It would be terribly rude to imagine yourself as a fly and, realistically, not be able to keep your thoughts inside your tiny fly head...thus resulting in you (as a fly) appearing to be having a seizure without any little fly medics around to save you. Appearing to suffer an inexplicably horrible fly death just doesn't seem worth the cost of using one little animal metaphor, so pay attention. "Great metaphors come with great responsibility". Try keeping that in mind while you regurgitate nifty metaphors for your friends' amusement. While not the enemy, abusing animal metaphors at any time can quickly become painful and unsurprisingly overrated.

Camp Etiquette

Summer is at full swing (and I'm not talking about that "fat kid about to break the swing set" kind of swinging...it's more of the "7 year old boy screaming like a Peregrine Falcon at the top of his lungs as soon as his swing reaches the full apex of it's ascent" kind of swinging). That being said, summer is supposed to be enjoyed. Enjoying summer looks different to everyone, but basically to me (and I'm sure millions of kids, parents, and poor college students out there) summer means camp. Kids see camp as a fun getaway and an opportunity to escape parental constraints while getting as much sugar and as little sleep as possible. Parents...let's just call a week of camp for them a "mini-vacation" of sorts. Poor college students (or just teenagers in general) see camp as a place to get away from their parents, earn a bit of money, and put school worries on-hold for a few months. Basically, it doesn't matter who you are...camp is just amazing. End of story.

That being said, working at a camp changes the way you see life. From personal I-work-at-camp-and-have-no-social-life-during-the-summer-but-love-my-job type of experience, I think some of the biggest changes I see in myself (and the other staff) throughout the summer are a result of what I like to refer to as "withdrawal from the real world". While it sounds a bit odd, let me explain it to you in simpler terms (cause of course not everyone has worked at a summer camp).

1. Personality is intensified
 Compared to the rest of the world, camp is a relatively safe environment that offers protection from bullying, judgement, and pop culture (don't tell me it's never overwhelmed you before...). Once you have a group of (roughly 30) adolescents put in charge of children week in and week out, certain personality traits begin to emerge. Once many of these quirks and personalities crawl out of an individual...good luck getting them to go back from whence they came from. They're out to stay (at least for the duration of the summer). Such traits could range from goofy tendencies, zebra-inspired fits of laughter, obsessions with pyrotechnics, or even yelling out catch phrases at random hours of the day (for example, "Kool-Aid"). Yes traits and quirks are what make a person unique...but sometimes a person's personality screams at a "4" and camp cranks them up to an "8". Just like a box of chocolates Forest, you never know what you're going to get.

2. Lapse in hygiene
You've been at camp for 3 weeks now, and as the summer wears on your deodorant wears off (that is, if you're even still wearing any at this point). Ok, I know this sounds gross, but think about it. Depending on your job (counselor, cook, or handyman), you have a varied level of hygiene that you must maintain to keep your job. Those who work in the kitchen must stay clean and sanitized throughout the week (at least while on duty) or they will find themselves jobless and locked away in DHEC jail (don't know what that stands for...good. It ruins lives).

Maintenance has it easy. If you're a sweaty guy who works with other sweaty guys all day in the hot sun then I doubt you have much obligatory upkeep on personal smell and appearance. Counselors also have it pretty great. Aside from the initial day the kids are dumped, I mean delivered, to camp and rescued...retrieved, the parent's don't see/smell them. By the end of the week, most of the kids smell like BO and pee (at least the younger ones), so what better excuse to slack on hygiene? If your stench becomes unbearable, just blame it on one of your questionable looking kids. Let's just say by the end of if all, if I'm still taking 3 showers a week and brushing my teeth every night...it's been a good summer.

3. Walmart is the new Ritz
Ok, aside from all you Rednecks out there who really do think that Walmart is high class, this one sounds a bit odd. I know that Walmart can be a pretty fun place to play hide-and-go-seek, and you can usually find some pretty niffty things that you are convinced by the end of your trip that you desperately need...but it's no theme park. Well, after spending a month at camp, Walmart isn't just an adventure...it's an opportunity to escape and reemerge back into the "real world". Sure, you get dressed-up (shower, shave, jeans, clean shirt, and remove your life-guarding whistle), find some non-campy hot food to ingest, and then hit up the local Walmart. Hope you're ready for a wild night on the town, I hear they have a sale on kitchen-ware tonight.

4. Grade school humor
This one isn't too surprising. After spending 7-days-a-week hanging out with kids ranging from 6-13 (for the most part), you begin to think like them. This means that words like "poop" not only reemerge, but you also begin to think of "canoe duty" as "canoe doody"...at least that's how your mind spells it. So yes, you giggle at almost anything and your inner child rejoices daily.
 
5. Trying new things
This isn't a normal/boring sounding reference to tasting new foods. Instead, this means doing things you never thought you would ever imagine yourself considering doing because of normal humiliation concerns, let alone allowing others to watch you humiliate yourself. Such things might include getting a whip cream pie in the face, acting out a "roller coaster" while the crowd of giggling children and staff before you has been told that you are demonstrating the "proper way" to use a toilet, wearing ridiculous costumes, singing "Twinkle, Twinkle" solos, interpretive dancing with a crock-pot, rubbing your coworkers stomach whilst singing "Nummy, Nummy, Nummy", or arguing with your Spanish friend who likes turtles the most. And to think, this is only a handful of weekly occurrences...oh dear. Well, camp certainly isn't for the faint-hearted.

Aside from these (probably mildly disturbing) glimpses into camp oddities and the culture of it all, I would honestly say that I can't imagine what my life would have been like without these last 10 years of being apart of camp (from camper to staffer). I have met some of my best friends, expressed myself as only one can so freely at camp, grown deeper in love with Christ, been challenged in my Christian walk, and learned some crazy life skills (like how to wash a pooped-in sleeping bag and how to cook amazing food for hundreds of people in once sitting). I absolutely adore my camp (let's just refer to it as "Bethel Christian Camp") and the staff/campers you can find there on any day of the week ending in "day", such magical creatures revealing and thriving in their natural habitats. So, as usual, I'm wrapping this up by declaring that camps such as Bethel (and the things you experience there) are not in the greatest stretch of the imagination (nor ever will they be) considered overrated.

For Whom the Dog Barks

5 am. Really? At 5 am?! What, you may ask, did assault thine own ear orifices at this wee hour in the morn? Well, if you actually read the title...yup. My two "faithful" companions. Oh sure, I'm used to them barking at all hours of the day, but the night? That's sacred, reserved for sleeping and the resting of the eyelids, brain, and ears. Two dogs barking, correction...did I say barking? I meant howling. It was a long and piteous chorus of wailing, two howls engaging in a duet for the world to hear (or at least me, don't know where my parents were during this lovely canine symphony).

I have a beagle and a miniature poodle, and yes, even the poodle was howling. I think the beagle taught her when we weren't paying attention or she borrowed some self-help tapes from the library. Anyway, it's not important that they were howling (I mean...it is, but that aspect was more intriguing at 5 am this morning). Instead, let's examine exactly why these two fluffy bundles of chaos decided to open their faces so early in the morning. (No, I'm not upset, but it would be nice to have some information that puts them in a more favorable light as I do have to spend the next week babysitting them)

1. It was a full moon
Ok, so I'm not implying that they're werewolves, but lunar events have been known to make people and animals behave in strange ways. Some studies have shown that pets engage in more risky behavior, and owners make more vet visits for said risky pets during lunar cycles. Last night wasn't a full moon, but they're inside. They might not have known that.

2. Alerting us to intruders
The basic function of dogs, to protect house and family. My dogs have never been much of attack dogs (unless drowning someone in "kisses" and doggie saliva counts), but they have both been very good at barking at sounds they hear. They wouldn't actually do anything about the noises they bark out, especially if they see something or someone to whom those noises belong to, but there is a first thing for everything. Last night was dark, maybe their nightly defense is howling manically at the top of their little doggie lungs.

3. Bad dreams
People dream; dogs dream. So people = dogs...well, not exactly. But dogs have been known to dream. I don't know what goes on during these dreams, but if you own a dog, have you ever looked over at little Fluffy Nutterkins or Sparky Oswald and seen his/her legs jerking coupled with crazy lip twitching? (No, in case you were wondering...I did not use my own pet names in that example. It's Basil and Mustard, if you must know) Maybe they were having a synonymous nightmare, both trapped in some creation of their minds (a food shortage, no yard time, isolation...eerily similar to prison problems). I have heard Mustard (the beagle) bark in her sleep before. If they were both having the same nightmare (let's assume they were) then if they both started howling, this slightly unrealistic reasoning could be possible. Possible...not probable.

4. Really have to pee
 We take them outside before we put them in their bed for the night so they can do their business (here, bed is just a nice way of saying their cage or kennel...which is big enough for the both of them to sleep comfortably). When I get up in the morning, usually whenever they start barking (let's say 9ish, they've been extremely slack lately), I take them outside and just chill with them in the house until they have to relieve themselves or it's their meal time. Lets say I choose not to let them out as soon as they start barking; it get's worse. Their barking will eventually turn into some long, drawn-out, pathetic howls as they vie desperately for my attention. I don't make them suffer for fun; sometimes I'm just out of it in the morning. But maybe this is something they do everyday in the wee hours of the morning. I try to make it a habit not to be awake at 5 am, so maybe this is a routine thing I just don't know about.

5. Victory howl
"It was a crazy night, both of us asleep in our holding cell. All of a sudden Basil has an epileptic fit and goes into cardiac arrest. I've never had any lifesaving skills training! Instead, in my quick thinking, I repeatedly pounced on (what I think might have been) her heart. She stopped twitching and slowly opened her snout and coughed up part of a chew toy I didn't know we owned. She stood up, shook out her fur, and gave me a grin of gratitude. Because our cheap owners wouldn't spring for an alarm clock, we didn't know it was so stinkin' early in the morning and let out victory howls (I mean, she was ok...isn't that worth celebrating?)" Obviously, this is what was running through Mustard's head last night. If I was a dog, I would hope that something epic would happen at 5am...so this is the one I think I'm going to agree with.

So I didn't write this just to complain (even though I found it quite pleasant to share my small discomfort with you). I guess I just don't understand dogs. They can be cute, loyal, crazy, annoying, loving, and (insert your own adjective here), but not so easy to deal with all the time. It's for this very reason that, one day in the near future, I'm going to purchase one of the best pets ever! Our life together will be fantastic and not overrated at all...mainly because hedgehogs don't wake you up at 5 am by howling. Descented skunks are pretty snazzy too. Who knows? As long as it doesn't howl...

The Creepy Crawlies

It staggered across my carpet, possibly with a limp. Was it injured? Maybe. However, disabled or not, I had no mercy. It had caught me off guard. I staggered off my bed and threw out my arm, entrapping my water bottle, clenching it tightly in my right hand. With a steeled resolve, I steadied my arm and plunged the bottom of my water vessel downwards upon my foe. Lifting my makeshift weapon, I carefully peeled it off of the carpet and carried it to the bathroom. Lifting my bottle to the faucet, I grinned in triumph as my opponent, who was plastered to the bottom of said water bottle, was jettisoned down the drain in a torrent of rushing water. Epic battle? No. But that cockroach certainly didn't get the best of me this time.

What exactly is it about bugs, insects, spiders, roaches, creepy crawlies, and every other small creature that is advertised on Raid bottles that freaks us out a little? You don't have to have a phobia of spiders or cockroaches to not like them, in fact, most people don't. Your disdain of bugs doesn't make you an exception. Instead, you are like the millions of humans who own at least one can of bug killer...you knowingly possess a (weak to strong) aversion to insects. I mean, it depends on the type of insect. Butterflies probably don't bug you as much as a palmetto bug or a wolf spider, but that's not the point.

The point is, why don't we favor insects? From what I hear, they can be quite beneficial to the ecosystem. Ok, maybe not your personal ecosystem. A ton of roaches running all over your bedroom won't give you warm fuzzies or any encouraging thoughts about how they are supposedly awesome for our planet (are they? goodness knows I just makes this stuff up...). So, let's look at this from a slightly analytical point of view. Why don't we like bugs?

1. Hairy
So who likes looking at an object completely covered in hair?  Aside from puppies, kittens, chipmunks, otters, Bambi, Pooh, and other cute woodland creatures, it's quite difficult to find a cute animal covered in hair/fur. Even relatives with too much facial and body hair can be repulsive and creepy, so why not bugs? When that granddaddy longlegs starts to resemble Uncle Steve, I'd be a bit wary of it too (the spider and the unlce).

2. Tiny
Ok, many people are scared of tiny things: thimbles, feathers, rain drops, blades of grass, and mushrooms. So what if cockroaches are tiny? So are millipedes, spiders, mosquito, and every other greatly feared insect out there...oh, wait.

3. Lots of eyes...
You know those "nerds" who were made fun of in gradeschool for having "four eyes"? (Hopefully you weren't one of these nerds, but if you were, you have my sincere apologies. I never liked those boring children with only two eyes...) Well, this rule of thumb explains why such torment happened to bespectacled children everywhere. When children/adults/people encounter something that is different and/or able to see better then they can, it makes us jealous. When jealous, we tend to lash out with words, physical acts of violence, and cans of bug spray. Hope this enlightens you a bit.

4. Ugly
Do I really need to explain this one? Nobody likes a bug with a case of the uglies, and in most cases this would apply to every bug (except butterflies and ladybugs, you know, the girly bugs. Guy bugs deserve to die). Moving on...

5. Hard to kill
So let's say that you have a nightmare about a hairy, bespectacled man who is chasing you around. No matter what you throw, shoot, spray towards/on this guy, he refuses to die. Wouldn't you be a bit scared of him? Have you tried to kill a roach lately? Do you understand why they might be a little intimidating to behold and deal with?!

6. Antisocial
In psychology class this semester we learned about how people with antisocial personality behavior disorders are those individuals commonly referred to as "sociopaths". When you approach a bug, if you dare, 9 out of 10 times they run for the hills. Not very social, are they? Well, if antisocial people become tomorrow's serial killers, what about those antisocial insects out there? What are they gonna do? Not a very bright and cheerful future for them, huh?

All of this analyzing and surmising is not to prove that I am afraid of bugs, insects, and all things small and hairy. I approached that roach tonight with malice in my heart and the flaming fire of justice burning brightly in my eyes. Needless to say, I was victorious in my insect encounter despite all of the odds against me (aka reasons 1-6 explaining logical reasons on why any rational individual has a right to be wary and a tiny bit terrified of the traditional insect that crosses their path at one in the morning).

However, this does not explain phobias and those crazy irrational fears of spiders and roaches. If you are one of those individuals who believes that roaches are out to take over the world or that spiders are lurking around every corner waiting to jump on you and bite your nose...yeah, this post is not for you. All I am saying in this situation is that those of you who keep one eye peeled for the next opportunity that allows you to bring one more insect to a swift and just end (aka, slow and painful death that often involves a bug drowning in Raid), you guys and gals are not overrated in the slightest. Keep on killing those bugs, and don't feel foolish in your endeavors. With great amounts of bug killer comes great amounts of bug corpses.

In Enemy Territory

Guys will never understand girls, and girls will never...wait, I can't finish that. Kidding...totally kidding. Aside from being created in the image of God, the male and female species (yes, I would consider us that different at times) operate on completely different levels. But, I don't need to explain that to you, infants are born knowing that. So aside from the obvious differences (this is not anatomy class...quick recap) females think, act, and respond to life in a way that is unique to their gender alone. Because I do not actually have experience from a male's mindset (a 50 year-old black characterization in a play one time doesn't really count), I have decided that I would grant all you males out there with a golden opportunity; a small and terrifying glance into the mind and behavior of women everywhere. Hopefully this will illuminate some confusing things and answer some questions about why we are the way we are. However, if you are one of those self-proclaimed "enlightened" males out there who understand women better than they understand themselves, pretend for the duration of this post that you are like every other clueless guy out there. Sit back, and enjoy the ride (please fasten your seat belts and return food tables to their upright positions; worst case scenario...air sickness bags are located under your seat).

1. Hormonal is our middle name
See, I'm starting with the basics. Call it emotions, hormones, pms, a bad day, whatever...the point here is that we can mood swing like it's no one's business. Obvious, I know, but I'm just calling it how it is. This is a fact to about 99.34% of females out there at one point in their lives, so isn't it just a relief that I'm starting by openly declaring that females can be emotional wrecks at times? Contrary to popular belief, this is harder than it looks and (at times) takes some serious talent to pull off. But hey, we always have a reason to change our mood at the drop of a hat. Maybe our cat died. Maybe we got no sleep because we were trying to finish that last project before finals. Maybe that music professor took the last strawberry from the fruit line...you never know. You think we can be scary? Just wait till pregnancy hits...(and it will....like a semi doing 80 coming off of an exit ramp).

2. Independent when the situation demands
Don't get me wrong, chivalry is a very good thing. While in our society it's on life support, it's good to know that it's still alive. I appreciate guys stepping up as much as the next girl, but if I get to the door first...am I supposed to just give it up without a fight? Basically, while most females enjoy being taken care of, we can be resilient and independent. We can drive (ok...I'm working on that one, don't judge me), work, study, lift heavy things...the whole nine yards. Again, I'm not bashing you chivalrous males out there, this is just a reminder that as females, we can do things for ourselves and like to prove it at times...usually when it's most inconvenient to you.

3. When angry, communication takes a hike
I think every male out there knows this one. When burning with the fiery rage of a thousand suns, we do not like to discuss why we are mad at you. Obviously, if we know why we are upset, you should know what you did to make us that way. Personally, I have problems communicating on a regular basis anyway (like many females out there, which is why we "drop hints" like it's nobody's business), so just take this weak skill and divide it by the language capacity of a 4 year old. Yup, that's us when we are mad. (I mean simplified of course, I'd hate for any person out there to think that females are actually capable of throwing tantrums when we are angry...).

4. We over-analyze...everything.
Duh. Many of our problems, "stressors", worries, aggravations, and much more can be traced back to this womanly trait. You think it's a pain? Well, we don't care for it too much either. It may come as a surprise, but it's not very enjoyable to spend unnecessary time and effort recalling and analyzing every little thing that our friends, sisters, brothers, parents, crushes, boyfriends, roommates, ect. said that we can find a double meaning in (and trust me, we can and we will find hidden meanings in everything). If it can be thought, spoken, or physically acted out...it can be over-anaylzed.  

5. Romantics at heart
This sounds simple, but it's a little more complex than you may think. Yes, many girls are romantics but not always classified as "contemporary romantics" (chick flicks, romance novels, and candy on Valentine's Day). What makes one girl swoon may make another roll her eyes and laugh at you, not with you (yes, despite what your parents may have told you...there is a difference). Here, the best advice I can give is to figure out what makes us tick, so to speak. Is it flowers, poems, stuffed taxidermy, time, money, pick-up lines, or compliments? Well, I guess that's for each girl to know and for you to find out. Sounds like someone has homework to do...

6. Tougher than we look
This point is to debunk some of those myths classically associated with our gender. Not every girl is afraid of bugs, spiders, snakes, airplane food, mismatched clothes, homeless vagrants, science, and mud. Sure, there are various members of my gender who fit into those categories (and ladies, if you do...no shame, in fact, more power to ya'), but let's not approach the female species as if every female has a life-related phobia. Some girls are scared of everything while others are fearless. We're like pillow-pets, found in similar shapes and molds, but ultimately destined to be treated differently by children everywhere. Wait...

*insert point to all of this madness*...oh wait, there really wasn't one. Instead of pulling out some sort of moral or analogy on how we're all created different and beautifully, I think I'll just point out that guys will never actually figure us out. Sorry guys. While these 6 points might help or educate you to an extent (a very shallow extent, but an extent non-the-less...hey, a kiddie-pool is still considered a pool), the female mind is a bit more complex than this. Of course, that road goes both ways. We may think that we know what guys think, feel, like, ect...but we're usually just as clueless as you are. However, females will always believe that we possess special knowledge into the male mind. So guys, if you want to get on our good sides, just let us keep deluding ourselves. When we inform you that we understand your gender, just nod your heads and smile. Positive reinforcement, especially to females, is very "in" this year and won't be overrated...at least not anytime soon.