Ok, so aside from the implications this (slightly corny) title might give regarding verbal harassment, I assure you that I have no intentions of discussing bullying. I wish, instead, to report on a greater travesty that my friend and I underwent not too long ago.
Just to start off, have you ever (randomly/out of the blue/just for kicks and giggles) wanted a specific food? Yes, of course you have (and if you are in that .89% who have no idea what this means...just nod your head and read on). I have a friend, let's call her 'Alex', who impressed upon me the importance and deliciousness of the magical 'breadstick'. Oddly enough, it was a food item neither of us had enjoyed in some time...so we decided to fix that. One fateful night (yes, that was for dramatic flair) we piled into her pick-up and drove off to the nearest pizza place (no names but it rhymes with 'Meatza Cut'). For reasons unknown to us at that time (and still to this day actually...) the were OUT of breadsticks. The best/only reason to go to this pizza joint (unless you include wedding receptions or 7 year-old birthday parties) is for their famed pizza sticks (and I'm not talking about their 'dessert sticks'...).
As enraged and grieved as we were at such a travesty, my friend 'Alex' and myself decided to stay and order a mediocre pizza (to be enjoyed with our glamorous glasses of water). Sitting in that booth that night, we discussed the options we had and why they denied us sticks...here are some ideas:
1. We ordered water
So as of a couple years ago, I have gotten into the habit of ordering water with just-about every meal. It's not a bad policy for several reasons, but apparently 'Meatza Cut' didn't think so. I personally think that one of the reasons 'said pizza establishment' denied us bread sticks was because we wanted H2O...the drink that pizza restaurants despise (how could I have forgotten such a cardinal rule of pizza stick etiquette)?
2. Didn't get take-out
Fairly certain that while we sat fuming in our booth, a man came in to grab some sticks-to-go. Another vital approach to be remembered in the future...when in doubt, order out. (That way you can drink your water at home and not be judged for it)
3. I'm white
Yes, I'm pulling the race card. It almost sounds like a lame joke, "a non-latino white girl and a purteo-rican girl walk into a pizza joint". Obviously, it's cause I'm white. I almost wanted to ask the manager how it felt to crush two girls' dreams in one night...
4. We didn't even complain...
My friend (could have) come all the way from Puerto Rico to try the fabled 'bread stick' that she had only heard stories about. She has (maybe...possibly) never seen one in-person or even dared to try then in her country, as they are outlawed for being so amazing (and tied to 3 rebellions in her country's history). Ok...so it's a bit of a stretch, but who really knows these days? Whatever happened to customer service?
5. The pizza stick 'heater-uppers' had gone home for the night
This theory of ours was that the sticks are really frozen dough that they have to place in the oven (at roughly 350 degrees for 15 minutes) in order to achieve that 'freshly baked' look the public craves so desperately. Because the complicated process involved in their creation (ie. using an oven...I know, used to scare me...and then I turned 12), not ever pizza worker is trained in this 'art'. So...after the two high school kids (whose one job is to work the stick-oven) left for the day, they were hopelessly stick-less for the remainder of the night.
6. Ok, so we showed up a bit late...
I wouldn't call this our fault 'per-say', but we did show up 30 minutes before they close. But still, they didn't have to be so cranky about it by denying us the one thing we wanted from their casa de pizza...
While this is not a horribly big issue/problem/difficulty...it was slightly sad at the time. Picture it. Two morose college girls slumped in their booth, no desire to talk...melancholy. Hopeless. Occasionally staring up at the man who has come in and gotten the last of the pizza sticks...their mission is a failure. They will be the bane of college life...no one will ever speak of them again (except to whisper across classrooms about the misfortune that befell them). Names forgotten in history, they will fade away into hollow shells...mere memories of the two laughing girls they once were.
So now that you're thoroughly depressed/saddened, think about the worst thing that has happened to you lately. Come-on, everyone has at least one minor disappointment that has occurred within the last week or so. Well, in retrospect (despite how little it appears beside this horrible and unfortunate catastrophe) in the long-run, it probably won't matter. Life is short, so instead of making mountains out of pizza sticks (see what I did there...), living for Jesus and serving others is definitely a better policy to live by. 'Cause I'm quite certain that it's not overrated (even though this story was intentionally blown out of proportion...hope you picked up on that).
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Warning Label
Our society teaches children, from a young age, that talking to strangers is highly frowned upon. It's a dangerous and unnecessary risk to take because it can lead to free candy, new friends...wait wrong list. Talking to unfamiliar adults can potentially lead to kidnapping, murder, and conversion to Mormonism. However, customers usually admit that most restaurant/gas station/shopping center employees that they encounter on a daily basis are complete strangers.
So, when did the "anti-stranger" rule change? I know what you are thinking (ok, maybe not...but just hear me out so my ego can remain inflated)..."it's different because they provide a public service in a (usually) safe environment". While this is true, I believe that since most individuals are forced to talk to strangers on a regular basis through such services, there should be special classes that must be successfully completed in order to be allowed to talk to others. For those of us who have never taken such classes, we should come with warning labels.
I know that warning labels are a little extreme for such a tiny part of lives, as we recognize social skills to be, but think about the last time you talked to a stranger. Not even an hour ago I got off work and being the busy introvert I am, I decided to grab food and take it to my room (where I now compose this informational post). I recognized the cashier (I had often seen him before...and he is a fairy attractive, pleasant person), but I did not know his name/age/blood type/life goals/social security number/shoe size/ect. so we are practically strangers. All I wanted was a sandwich, bag of chips, and a drink...pretty simple. I take my potential purchase to the counter where I encounter said cashier. He, smiling, bags my dinner, scans my idea, and asks if I want anything else. I reply that I'm good with what I have. Apparently he thought that I needed some oreos, and he reached across to the cookie display and picks up a pack of oreos, asking if I want any. Since I had no label to warn him of the potential disaster he had risked by engaging me in conversation (despite the fact that it was pretty insignificant), I was allowed to answer his question. So, opening my mouth I looked him in the face and matter-of-factually told him that, "I am very true" regarding oreos. He disregarded my incoherent statement, and I hightailed it out of there.
Looking back (in the 30 minutes since then) I believe I meant to say "I'm very sure" that I didn't want oreos. However, it's a little late for specification...my invisible label failed me. Such labels would not be hard to procure or wear, and I'm sure they could very easily be made in to a trendy jacket, vest, scarf, pair of leggings (which you would be able to read because apparently it's just unheard of to wear anything over them...but that rant is for another day), or any such article of clothing that can be worn. Depending on the size of the person, one might be able to have several warnings labeling various dangers of stranger interaction. Hmmm...now what could such warnings be?
Well, depending on your fear regarding engaging with a strange individual (be that for your own safety or reputation), such warnings might sound like this...
1. Careful, I giggle!
This is for those of you who laugh in awkward or ambiguous situations. When you are unsure of how to respond to a slightly introverted cashier or service worker and your body betrays your fear through annoying laughter...at least you can say you warned them (both regarding your irrational response and how odd you find them/the situation).
2. Do not engage unless prepared to help remove foot from mouth.
While this warning is a bit longer, such wordy individuals such as myself would greatly appreciate it. This is a common disorder more strangers should be aware of. In ambiguous situations such individuals open up their "word hoards" (see what I did there those of you who have read Beowulf...) and their words rush out. However, often times, we might have 2 words fighting each other to be included in a sentence where only one word is necessary. In these cases, such people might accidentally create new words or awkward sentences...but ultimately look stupid and uneducated.
3. Got a mop?
Now luckily I haven't encountered many of these individuals, but some people get so nervous when faced with the prospect of interacting with an unknown person that they being to leak torrents of water from every pore on their body. So, unless you have a mop and bucket on standby for such extreme cases, be wary of the waterworks, and stand clear (unless you have floaties and an extra change of clothes).
4. Not mine...
How many times have you gone to buy something in a grocery store or shopping center that you were not entirely comfortable with claiming at the cash register? While this definition has various levels of extremity,most individuals have experience that awkward moment in the check-out line where your purchase or opposite-gendered cashier makes it awkward to shop. Think about it. Wedding gifts, bridal showers, hygiene items, medical supplements, birthday presents, gag gifts, or underpants can make a trip through the check-out line seem like a scene from the Green Mile (death walk...obviously), and self-check outs are not always available. So when you feel like denying your purchases or when the item(s) in question really aren't yours, this warning label might just weigh enough to "break the ice".
While most of these sound a bit unrealistic, I assure you these warnings (properly displayed on a person) can potentially save embarrassment, time, and self-respect. Not everyone is lucky enough to escape unscathed from such a blustering encounter with a stranger like I did...and next time I might not be so lucky. So, when things are getting awkward and you are regretting that you never sought out stranger-interaction training, have no fear. Warning labels are here...and might I just point out that they are completely beneficial and not overrated in the least.
So, when did the "anti-stranger" rule change? I know what you are thinking (ok, maybe not...but just hear me out so my ego can remain inflated)..."it's different because they provide a public service in a (usually) safe environment". While this is true, I believe that since most individuals are forced to talk to strangers on a regular basis through such services, there should be special classes that must be successfully completed in order to be allowed to talk to others. For those of us who have never taken such classes, we should come with warning labels.
I know that warning labels are a little extreme for such a tiny part of lives, as we recognize social skills to be, but think about the last time you talked to a stranger. Not even an hour ago I got off work and being the busy introvert I am, I decided to grab food and take it to my room (where I now compose this informational post). I recognized the cashier (I had often seen him before...and he is a fairy attractive, pleasant person), but I did not know his name/age/blood type/life goals/social security number/shoe size/ect. so we are practically strangers. All I wanted was a sandwich, bag of chips, and a drink...pretty simple. I take my potential purchase to the counter where I encounter said cashier. He, smiling, bags my dinner, scans my idea, and asks if I want anything else. I reply that I'm good with what I have. Apparently he thought that I needed some oreos, and he reached across to the cookie display and picks up a pack of oreos, asking if I want any. Since I had no label to warn him of the potential disaster he had risked by engaging me in conversation (despite the fact that it was pretty insignificant), I was allowed to answer his question. So, opening my mouth I looked him in the face and matter-of-factually told him that, "I am very true" regarding oreos. He disregarded my incoherent statement, and I hightailed it out of there.
Looking back (in the 30 minutes since then) I believe I meant to say "I'm very sure" that I didn't want oreos. However, it's a little late for specification...my invisible label failed me. Such labels would not be hard to procure or wear, and I'm sure they could very easily be made in to a trendy jacket, vest, scarf, pair of leggings (which you would be able to read because apparently it's just unheard of to wear anything over them...but that rant is for another day), or any such article of clothing that can be worn. Depending on the size of the person, one might be able to have several warnings labeling various dangers of stranger interaction. Hmmm...now what could such warnings be?
Well, depending on your fear regarding engaging with a strange individual (be that for your own safety or reputation), such warnings might sound like this...
1. Careful, I giggle!
This is for those of you who laugh in awkward or ambiguous situations. When you are unsure of how to respond to a slightly introverted cashier or service worker and your body betrays your fear through annoying laughter...at least you can say you warned them (both regarding your irrational response and how odd you find them/the situation).
2. Do not engage unless prepared to help remove foot from mouth.
While this warning is a bit longer, such wordy individuals such as myself would greatly appreciate it. This is a common disorder more strangers should be aware of. In ambiguous situations such individuals open up their "word hoards" (see what I did there those of you who have read Beowulf...) and their words rush out. However, often times, we might have 2 words fighting each other to be included in a sentence where only one word is necessary. In these cases, such people might accidentally create new words or awkward sentences...but ultimately look stupid and uneducated.
3. Got a mop?
Now luckily I haven't encountered many of these individuals, but some people get so nervous when faced with the prospect of interacting with an unknown person that they being to leak torrents of water from every pore on their body. So, unless you have a mop and bucket on standby for such extreme cases, be wary of the waterworks, and stand clear (unless you have floaties and an extra change of clothes).
4. Not mine...
How many times have you gone to buy something in a grocery store or shopping center that you were not entirely comfortable with claiming at the cash register? While this definition has various levels of extremity,most individuals have experience that awkward moment in the check-out line where your purchase or opposite-gendered cashier makes it awkward to shop. Think about it. Wedding gifts, bridal showers, hygiene items, medical supplements, birthday presents, gag gifts, or underpants can make a trip through the check-out line seem like a scene from the Green Mile (death walk...obviously), and self-check outs are not always available. So when you feel like denying your purchases or when the item(s) in question really aren't yours, this warning label might just weigh enough to "break the ice".
While most of these sound a bit unrealistic, I assure you these warnings (properly displayed on a person) can potentially save embarrassment, time, and self-respect. Not everyone is lucky enough to escape unscathed from such a blustering encounter with a stranger like I did...and next time I might not be so lucky. So, when things are getting awkward and you are regretting that you never sought out stranger-interaction training, have no fear. Warning labels are here...and might I just point out that they are completely beneficial and not overrated in the least.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Oh Really?
So I'm just minding my own business in my dorm room...isn't that the way most fun stories start? Anyway, I hear one of my suite mates in the bathroom talking. Ok, quick run down...I live in a cinder block cave with one window and an AC/Heat unit. The beauty of the bathroom is that it too is constructed from cinder blocks which turns our lowly bathroom into the worlds best amplifier...everything you say and DO is echoed and available for the public ear in either rooms adjoining it. So back to the suite mate, I hear her talking. And what do you think I might hear? Nope, not talking about me. Good guess though. Feminine hygiene? Oh please, like we talk about that in the bathroom... You'll never guess so I might as well tell, the utterance from her lips which mine ears did detect sounded a little something like "Man, tequila makes me pee! It doesn't even have to be a lot, just a shot and I have to pee.".
No, this blog is not to rat her out. I'm sure tons of kids at my school drink, but let's just say if someone wished to find the liquored urinate, she'd probably be in any average dorm room (like Women's South, room number 230 for instance, it's not like it's to the right of 228...). Basically, I was just curious as to what a normal response in this situation would be. Since I pride myself on being anything BUT normal, I've composed a list of possible options below which do include my initial reaction (silence...usually safe). I suppose this can be for future reference though:
1. Start a conversation
This one would be the most fun I believe, and there are plenty of words you can use to respond to the chick's quote...
"Whoa! You too?"
"Only a shot? You're a natural free willy now aren't you?"
"Could be pregnant I suppose...oh was that out loud?"
"Help! She's sprung a leak!!"
"This could take awhile..."
Or "your quote here"
2. Silence...boring.
Let's move on to a more exciting one.
3. Morse code
And you never thought that course you took at community college would ever serve any purpose...take the time to tap out some of the phrases above or create your own. Say you've never taken Morse code, well by the way she mentioned her inability to retain alcohol, I'd figure you've anywhere from 2 to 10 minutes to learn depending on how much she's consumed.
4. Scream
Not too sure how applicable this would be in response to a liquor peeing suite mate, but you can never go wrong with screaming. I mean, hey, if the room on the right of room 228 can get away with playing the flute at 10:30 - 11 pm at night then why can't you create your own (tasteful of course) composition?
5. Offer a helping hand
Walk into the hallway and approach their door with a small token of "neighborly aid". This could come in the form of a few magazines (if she's going to be a while), a roll of toilet paper, umbrella, a bottle of water (you know, in case she's dehydrated...), a loaf of bread (to "plug 'er up" if it's becoming unbearable or if you have to go), or even a kitten (cause why not a kitten...you never need a reason to lend a helping kitten).
6.Sing
Hey, pick you're favorite song. Might help her go faster...if that's possible. Then you can conquer the bathroom once and for all.
7. Slip an AA card under the door
If you don't have one on hand from your previous meetings, then just perform a covert operation later and subtly leave them all of the bathroom in various blatantly obvious hiding places. (Back of shower curtain, toilet paper dispenser, on top of trashcan, all over the mirror, on shower fixture, ect.)
8. Laugh
When in doubt, LAUGH...until she's fully aware that you heard her and that you think it is one of the funniest things you've heard since you found out that Free Willy died after they released him into the wild (be free lucky one...yes, ironic name meaning isn't it? *beached himself weeks later*)
9. Pour water under the door
At this point start exclaiming at the top of your lungs, "The tequila! I couldn't hold it in! Curse you liquor!!".
10. Tattle-Tell
Don't do anything. Stop. High tail you're brown-nosing self straight to your RA's door and slip an anonymous note under the door explaining what you heard. No need to sign it of course. You're RA and suite mates will probably figure out who ratted them out. Next order of business..writing a will, updating a last farewell on Facebook, and leaving loving notes for friends and family to discover along with your body when security comes around to do door checks and discovers your stone cold self.
Let me just warn you (if you haven't figure it out by now) you might want to attempt one or all of the above (more power to you), but it's never a bad thing to lock the bathroom door on your side to prevent a peeved pee'er from storming the trenches (so to speak). If you haven't been struck by any one of these options as particularly wonderful or entertaining, then great. Come up with your own. I know you're just jealous...deep deep down inside. Not everyone has an alcohol-induced peeing suite mate, it's quite a magical and rare oddity. And it certainly isn't every day that you hear said female mention her peeing powers in a bathroom cave. While I could have gone my whole life without hearing the previously mentioned quote, I'm kinda glad I did cause making fun of...I mean fully appreciating her "gift" in a blog-like atmosphere is pretty much not ever so overrated.
No, this blog is not to rat her out. I'm sure tons of kids at my school drink, but let's just say if someone wished to find the liquored urinate, she'd probably be in any average dorm room (like Women's South, room number 230 for instance, it's not like it's to the right of 228...). Basically, I was just curious as to what a normal response in this situation would be. Since I pride myself on being anything BUT normal, I've composed a list of possible options below which do include my initial reaction (silence...usually safe). I suppose this can be for future reference though:
1. Start a conversation
This one would be the most fun I believe, and there are plenty of words you can use to respond to the chick's quote...
"Whoa! You too?"
"Only a shot? You're a natural free willy now aren't you?"
"Could be pregnant I suppose...oh was that out loud?"
"Help! She's sprung a leak!!"
"This could take awhile..."
Or "your quote here"
2. Silence...boring.
Let's move on to a more exciting one.
3. Morse code
And you never thought that course you took at community college would ever serve any purpose...take the time to tap out some of the phrases above or create your own. Say you've never taken Morse code, well by the way she mentioned her inability to retain alcohol, I'd figure you've anywhere from 2 to 10 minutes to learn depending on how much she's consumed.
4. Scream
Not too sure how applicable this would be in response to a liquor peeing suite mate, but you can never go wrong with screaming. I mean, hey, if the room on the right of room 228 can get away with playing the flute at 10:30 - 11 pm at night then why can't you create your own (tasteful of course) composition?
5. Offer a helping hand
Walk into the hallway and approach their door with a small token of "neighborly aid". This could come in the form of a few magazines (if she's going to be a while), a roll of toilet paper, umbrella, a bottle of water (you know, in case she's dehydrated...), a loaf of bread (to "plug 'er up" if it's becoming unbearable or if you have to go), or even a kitten (cause why not a kitten...you never need a reason to lend a helping kitten).
6.Sing
Hey, pick you're favorite song. Might help her go faster...if that's possible. Then you can conquer the bathroom once and for all.
7. Slip an AA card under the door
If you don't have one on hand from your previous meetings, then just perform a covert operation later and subtly leave them all of the bathroom in various blatantly obvious hiding places. (Back of shower curtain, toilet paper dispenser, on top of trashcan, all over the mirror, on shower fixture, ect.)
8. Laugh
When in doubt, LAUGH...until she's fully aware that you heard her and that you think it is one of the funniest things you've heard since you found out that Free Willy died after they released him into the wild (be free lucky one...yes, ironic name meaning isn't it? *beached himself weeks later*)
9. Pour water under the door
At this point start exclaiming at the top of your lungs, "The tequila! I couldn't hold it in! Curse you liquor!!".
10. Tattle-Tell
Don't do anything. Stop. High tail you're brown-nosing self straight to your RA's door and slip an anonymous note under the door explaining what you heard. No need to sign it of course. You're RA and suite mates will probably figure out who ratted them out. Next order of business..writing a will, updating a last farewell on Facebook, and leaving loving notes for friends and family to discover along with your body when security comes around to do door checks and discovers your stone cold self.
Let me just warn you (if you haven't figure it out by now) you might want to attempt one or all of the above (more power to you), but it's never a bad thing to lock the bathroom door on your side to prevent a peeved pee'er from storming the trenches (so to speak). If you haven't been struck by any one of these options as particularly wonderful or entertaining, then great. Come up with your own. I know you're just jealous...deep deep down inside. Not everyone has an alcohol-induced peeing suite mate, it's quite a magical and rare oddity. And it certainly isn't every day that you hear said female mention her peeing powers in a bathroom cave. While I could have gone my whole life without hearing the previously mentioned quote, I'm kinda glad I did cause making fun of...I mean fully appreciating her "gift" in a blog-like atmosphere is pretty much not ever so overrated.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Conversing with Lyrics
I love listening to the radio, Ipod, occasional CD (now becoming obsolete), and song broadcasted in the everyday shopping center as much as the next person. Have you ever heard a song though (while you were bored or otherwise in an enjoyable state) that you either didn't agree with or (because of a particularly cynical mood you were in) that you found to be unrealistic? I mean, you're not going to like EVERY song you hear, but why not have some fun with the one's you don't care for? In times such as these I have discovered that conversing with the music provides maximum enjoyment for you in your discomfort/cynicism that you might have otherwise missed had you passively listened to said song without a thought edgewise.
1. Selena Gomez "Who Says?" (Let's see...dating Justine Beaver, reasonably attractive for a 14 year old, has an ok voice, but her song lyrics? Yeah, not too impressed there)
"Who says? Who says you're not perfect?" - I don't know....the BIBLE maybe. Just a guess though.
"Who says you can't be in movies?" - Common sense
2. Micheal Jackson "They Don't Care About Us" (Ok...without saying too much about him. Used to be black, then white, then dead. Songs were quite popular, pretty catchy tunes, fun to dance to. His latest songs were a bit lacking in the sense department.)
"Will me, thrill me, you can never kill me" - Really? That worked out well for ya'
"Everybody dog food" - Guess Fluffy's eating good tonight...
"You're rapin' me of my pride" - I'm torn between laughing for irony's sake and asking the deceased MJ to change this lyric to something a little less ridiculous
3. The Beatles...I love these guys but I'm not going to get started on them. Too much tripping in too little time.
4. Miley Cyrus "Party in the USA" (Gosh this child aggravates the mess outta me, so not going to say much but the phrase "bad parenting" comes to mind)
"I hopped of a plane at LAX with a dream and my cardigan" - You're cool...for a 12 year old who's parents pick out her clothes. Surprised they let you fly alone.
"That's when the taxi man turned on the radio...So I put my hands up...Movin' my hips like "yeah!" - Really? She's doing all that in a cab and the "taxi man" hasn't kicked her out yet?
"Yeah! It's a party in the USA!" - The 4th of July?
5. Amy Winehouse "Rehab" (I know she's dead as of yesterday so I will be nice, but I just want to point out that if she had gone to rehab...you get my point?)
So this is only a small taste of the fun that can be yours with every annoying song, whiny pop artist, and confusing lyrics your ears encounter on a daily basis. Isn't this a bit juvenile? Yes. Is is entertaining? You bet! So in essence I suppose it is not too terribly overrated to act like a child at times when it comes to dishing it out on your least favorite artists/songs.
1. Selena Gomez "Who Says?" (Let's see...dating Justine Beaver, reasonably attractive for a 14 year old, has an ok voice, but her song lyrics? Yeah, not too impressed there)
"Who says? Who says you're not perfect?" - I don't know....the BIBLE maybe. Just a guess though.
"Who says you can't be in movies?" - Common sense
2. Micheal Jackson "They Don't Care About Us" (Ok...without saying too much about him. Used to be black, then white, then dead. Songs were quite popular, pretty catchy tunes, fun to dance to. His latest songs were a bit lacking in the sense department.)
"Will me, thrill me, you can never kill me" - Really? That worked out well for ya'
"Everybody dog food" - Guess Fluffy's eating good tonight...
"You're rapin' me of my pride" - I'm torn between laughing for irony's sake and asking the deceased MJ to change this lyric to something a little less ridiculous
3. The Beatles...I love these guys but I'm not going to get started on them. Too much tripping in too little time.
4. Miley Cyrus "Party in the USA" (Gosh this child aggravates the mess outta me, so not going to say much but the phrase "bad parenting" comes to mind)
"I hopped of a plane at LAX with a dream and my cardigan" - You're cool...for a 12 year old who's parents pick out her clothes. Surprised they let you fly alone.
"That's when the taxi man turned on the radio...So I put my hands up...Movin' my hips like "yeah!" - Really? She's doing all that in a cab and the "taxi man" hasn't kicked her out yet?
"Yeah! It's a party in the USA!" - The 4th of July?
5. Amy Winehouse "Rehab" (I know she's dead as of yesterday so I will be nice, but I just want to point out that if she had gone to rehab...you get my point?)
So this is only a small taste of the fun that can be yours with every annoying song, whiny pop artist, and confusing lyrics your ears encounter on a daily basis. Isn't this a bit juvenile? Yes. Is is entertaining? You bet! So in essence I suppose it is not too terribly overrated to act like a child at times when it comes to dishing it out on your least favorite artists/songs.
Monday, April 18, 2011
The Academic Inferno
Not too long ago I read Dante's Inferno for one of my English classes in high school. Until I actually read the book I thought that the whole title was Dante's Inferno, but as it turns out the book (one of three I am told) is titled Inferno by the author Dante (who would've guessed right?). Aside from that brief lapse in brain function, I found that the book overall was quite enjoyable in a morbid sort of way. For those who have not read the book, briefly explained Dante is a poet in the 14th century who creates this allegorical poem called The Divine Comedy in three parts...Inferno (hell), Purgatorio (purgatory), and Paradiso (paradise). Basically in the Inferno, Dante journeys through the "9 circles of hell" (not correct at all, I know but it's not really supposed to be) and encounters sinners suffering different punishments in each circle according to the sin they committed on earth. I believe that much of it is ironic in the sense that Dante places popes, biblical figures (like Potipher's wife and Judas), and historical figures (like Brutus...the guy who kinda stabbed Caesar) in hell.
This being said, after our class finished reading the book, our assignment was to pick a person/group of people to place in a circle of hell (Dante's circles or imaginary) and describe their eternal punishment in an essay. As I mentioned, yes it was a bit morbid but most of my classmates chose to embalm their papers with humor and comical (but severe) punishments. We placed people in Dante's Inferno that included violent cinematographers, the creators of Little Caesar's pizza, Adam Richman from Man vs. Food (for gluttony...duh), and (my personal favorite) the high school band director (for several reasons that time just doesn't permit me to go into...your loss). So, what's the point of this incredibly long explanation? Basically, after a long morning of classes I think (based on some of the scholarly injustices of many students and educators on campus) that I would like to create my own Inferno of academic proportions. I'll try and be as blunt (but still gracious) as my filter-less brain
permits.
My Academic Inferno includes 5 circles (why attempt to perfect 9? Dante's been there, done that...oh, and remember the further we go the worse the crime/punishment):
Circle 1: The Unprepared Students
This circle encompasses those students who aren't physically and mentally ready for college. These students are distinctly recognizable in various ways. These degree-hopefuls are never prepared for class, whether they neglect their homework, sleep in or forget to attend class (by the way, the STUPIDEST reason to fail a class is by having too many absences...most classes allow at least 10), forget to shave the emerging beards off their puberty encrusted chins, or don't bring the necessary supplies (ie. pencil and paper) for note taking and are constantly haggling their fellow classmates for their own stock of writing utensils and sheets of processed trees (felt that paper could be described in a more poetic way...sorry).
Punishment:
Each student (or professor, you never know) who gets placed in this circle will be forced to attempt to complete 158 essays (by hand, 20,000 words a piece) on arbitrary subjects they know little about. To further this punishment, each person will have a broken pencil, half-a-sheet of paper to complete the 158 essays on, and will continuously beg for more time/paper/pencils/food/water from each other. However, seeing as how none of them have any resources to speak of, they will slowly waste away in misery and most will eventually go mad, but will be unable to die. (sorry it's a bit harsh...it has to be a little uncouth to fully embody the spirit of Dante)
Circle 2: The Dull Lecturers
This circle, while appearing as a mere inconvenience, is actually full of horrible individuals. Many a student will fail a course because of failure to grasp material preached by a dull professor or because monotone lecturers lure college-goers into a slumber that ensures that they sleep through the course material being taught. Many poor orators will claim that they did cover the required topics and have no idea as to how that many young adults failed his/her class. However, part of the educators job is to attempt (at least once or twice) to capture the audience's attention...part of what students pay for in their outrageous (and rapidly rising) tuition prices (after all) includes at least a portion of their salaries.
The Punishment:
The dull educators who constantly bore and drone on to their students will be forced to sit in a lecture hall. They will be sensory deprived with blindfolds over their eyes, socks on hands and feet, and will believe that they are alone. They will spend eternity sitting in extremely cushy chairs listening to recordings of themselves droning on and on. If they fall asleep they will be given an electric shock, similar to the voltage of a small cattle prod.
Circle 3: The Immodest Dressers
Next we have those individuals who don't know how to dress themselves. Mostly this is girls who decide that leggings are pants (not attractive), wear lowcut tops (sorry, but no one should see that), and wear clothes 2 sizes too small (NO ONE wants to see that). And if guys don't wear belts with saggy pants they might just find themselves in this circle of the Academic Inferno as well.
Punishment:
The punishment is simple...those in this circle will be wearing clothing that will constantly constrict. At first this will be a breathing hindrance, but as eternity draws out the constriction of the clothes will break bones but these rule-breakers will be unable to die. If only they had covered up.
Circle 4: Selfish Hall Mates/Dorm Dwellers
This circle I hold near and dear to my heart...for personal reasons. The felons belonging to this circle are those individuals who parade up and down the hallway between the hours of 10pm to 2am making noise, screaming, singing (rather poorly), and yelling obscenities. I can think of two large offenders who live on my hallway who fit perfectly into this category. If they were less intimidating to behold I'm sure someone would have done something about them by now. I also include certain dorm room deviants with the selfish hall mates. These students are the ones who constantly hog the bathroom and shower 2 times a day (not necessarily a bad thing unless it is done so in the middle of the day and after 10:30pm at night...rather LOUD and obnoxious sounding showers).
Punishment:
This punishment is divided into two sections, each for the two groups of individuals found suffering within this circle (selfish hall mates and the dorm dwellers). The selfish girls who would be parading the halls at indecent hours will be forced to run for eternity down a never-ending hallway in high heels that are 4 sizes too small. Their motivation to keep running? An acidic tidal wave will be forever chasing them, and if the wave overwhelms them then the individual will be scalded beyond recognition and must lie there until their bodies regenerate (roughly 13 minutes). Not too pretty. The second section of this punishment will be for the shower hoggers. The students who spent too much time in the shower will spend eternity in a scalding hot shower, constantly burning them but they will be unable to escape. (whoa, these punishments sound extremely dark...sorry 'bout that)
Circle 5: Unfair Educators
This group of professors is the epitome of every college student's frustrations and anger. These individuals will grade subjectively, create a torrent of non-relinquishing assignments due right before exams, or will include test questions not found in the student's notes. Yes, college students should be mature and responsible enough to keep up with their work, but that does not give an educator to act like their course is the only one students take.
Punishment:
These offenders will be wearing meat ponchos and must run from hungry wolves for all of eternity. (I know this is where I am supposed to come up with some witty symbolism as to what the wolves represent and why their punishment is just, but honestly...this is something I've seen on quite a few commercials lately) Bon appetite.
While most of these...ok, all of these punishments are harsh and could be considered as cruel and unusual punishment let me clarify something. This is not REAL. This was a way for different academic crimes to be put into perspective in a Dante-inspired fashion. I quite enjoyed myself at times and I would honestly not wish this on anyone...no matter how horrible and annoying others in the college world can be. We are, after all only human. And ANYONE who thinks that I am whining in this fictional commentary...are kinda right, but for now I will simply label those "haters" as pretty terrifically overrated.
This being said, after our class finished reading the book, our assignment was to pick a person/group of people to place in a circle of hell (Dante's circles or imaginary) and describe their eternal punishment in an essay. As I mentioned, yes it was a bit morbid but most of my classmates chose to embalm their papers with humor and comical (but severe) punishments. We placed people in Dante's Inferno that included violent cinematographers, the creators of Little Caesar's pizza, Adam Richman from Man vs. Food (for gluttony...duh), and (my personal favorite) the high school band director (for several reasons that time just doesn't permit me to go into...your loss). So, what's the point of this incredibly long explanation? Basically, after a long morning of classes I think (based on some of the scholarly injustices of many students and educators on campus) that I would like to create my own Inferno of academic proportions. I'll try and be as blunt (but still gracious) as my filter-less brain
permits.
My Academic Inferno includes 5 circles (why attempt to perfect 9? Dante's been there, done that...oh, and remember the further we go the worse the crime/punishment):
Circle 1: The Unprepared Students
This circle encompasses those students who aren't physically and mentally ready for college. These students are distinctly recognizable in various ways. These degree-hopefuls are never prepared for class, whether they neglect their homework, sleep in or forget to attend class (by the way, the STUPIDEST reason to fail a class is by having too many absences...most classes allow at least 10), forget to shave the emerging beards off their puberty encrusted chins, or don't bring the necessary supplies (ie. pencil and paper) for note taking and are constantly haggling their fellow classmates for their own stock of writing utensils and sheets of processed trees (felt that paper could be described in a more poetic way...sorry).
Punishment:
Each student (or professor, you never know) who gets placed in this circle will be forced to attempt to complete 158 essays (by hand, 20,000 words a piece) on arbitrary subjects they know little about. To further this punishment, each person will have a broken pencil, half-a-sheet of paper to complete the 158 essays on, and will continuously beg for more time/paper/pencils/food/water from each other. However, seeing as how none of them have any resources to speak of, they will slowly waste away in misery and most will eventually go mad, but will be unable to die. (sorry it's a bit harsh...it has to be a little uncouth to fully embody the spirit of Dante)
Circle 2: The Dull Lecturers
This circle, while appearing as a mere inconvenience, is actually full of horrible individuals. Many a student will fail a course because of failure to grasp material preached by a dull professor or because monotone lecturers lure college-goers into a slumber that ensures that they sleep through the course material being taught. Many poor orators will claim that they did cover the required topics and have no idea as to how that many young adults failed his/her class. However, part of the educators job is to attempt (at least once or twice) to capture the audience's attention...part of what students pay for in their outrageous (and rapidly rising) tuition prices (after all) includes at least a portion of their salaries.
The Punishment:
The dull educators who constantly bore and drone on to their students will be forced to sit in a lecture hall. They will be sensory deprived with blindfolds over their eyes, socks on hands and feet, and will believe that they are alone. They will spend eternity sitting in extremely cushy chairs listening to recordings of themselves droning on and on. If they fall asleep they will be given an electric shock, similar to the voltage of a small cattle prod.
Circle 3: The Immodest Dressers
Next we have those individuals who don't know how to dress themselves. Mostly this is girls who decide that leggings are pants (not attractive), wear lowcut tops (sorry, but no one should see that), and wear clothes 2 sizes too small (NO ONE wants to see that). And if guys don't wear belts with saggy pants they might just find themselves in this circle of the Academic Inferno as well.
Punishment:
The punishment is simple...those in this circle will be wearing clothing that will constantly constrict. At first this will be a breathing hindrance, but as eternity draws out the constriction of the clothes will break bones but these rule-breakers will be unable to die. If only they had covered up.
Circle 4: Selfish Hall Mates/Dorm Dwellers
This circle I hold near and dear to my heart...for personal reasons. The felons belonging to this circle are those individuals who parade up and down the hallway between the hours of 10pm to 2am making noise, screaming, singing (rather poorly), and yelling obscenities. I can think of two large offenders who live on my hallway who fit perfectly into this category. If they were less intimidating to behold I'm sure someone would have done something about them by now. I also include certain dorm room deviants with the selfish hall mates. These students are the ones who constantly hog the bathroom and shower 2 times a day (not necessarily a bad thing unless it is done so in the middle of the day and after 10:30pm at night...rather LOUD and obnoxious sounding showers).
Punishment:
This punishment is divided into two sections, each for the two groups of individuals found suffering within this circle (selfish hall mates and the dorm dwellers). The selfish girls who would be parading the halls at indecent hours will be forced to run for eternity down a never-ending hallway in high heels that are 4 sizes too small. Their motivation to keep running? An acidic tidal wave will be forever chasing them, and if the wave overwhelms them then the individual will be scalded beyond recognition and must lie there until their bodies regenerate (roughly 13 minutes). Not too pretty. The second section of this punishment will be for the shower hoggers. The students who spent too much time in the shower will spend eternity in a scalding hot shower, constantly burning them but they will be unable to escape. (whoa, these punishments sound extremely dark...sorry 'bout that)
Circle 5: Unfair Educators
This group of professors is the epitome of every college student's frustrations and anger. These individuals will grade subjectively, create a torrent of non-relinquishing assignments due right before exams, or will include test questions not found in the student's notes. Yes, college students should be mature and responsible enough to keep up with their work, but that does not give an educator to act like their course is the only one students take.
Punishment:
These offenders will be wearing meat ponchos and must run from hungry wolves for all of eternity. (I know this is where I am supposed to come up with some witty symbolism as to what the wolves represent and why their punishment is just, but honestly...this is something I've seen on quite a few commercials lately) Bon appetite.
While most of these...ok, all of these punishments are harsh and could be considered as cruel and unusual punishment let me clarify something. This is not REAL. This was a way for different academic crimes to be put into perspective in a Dante-inspired fashion. I quite enjoyed myself at times and I would honestly not wish this on anyone...no matter how horrible and annoying others in the college world can be. We are, after all only human. And ANYONE who thinks that I am whining in this fictional commentary...are kinda right, but for now I will simply label those "haters" as pretty terrifically overrated.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
According to Google
Have you ever been so bored (or avoiding work/studying/watching your kids...ect.) that you find yourself on the internet just perusing websites? As of ten minutes ago my wanderings led me to Google, the mother-load of all things "searchable". Because of the inspirational Justin Bieber Valentine I received tonight, I felt led to type in his name and see what the world thought of him. The results were pretty entertaining and I took it from there...
Google Search: Justin Bieber is...
Prompts/Results: Justin Bieber is gay (debatable)
51 (make-up is a marvelous and magical thing)
dead (...Bieber undead fever?)
a girl (just because he sings like one)
a gay baby (my favorite)
ugly (to each her own)
fake (hope not, who would little girls cry about?)
Google Search: Justin Bieber needs to...
Prompts/Results: Justin Bieber needs to die (that's not very nice)
pee (at some point)
go away (from...?)
hit puberty (AMEN)
be shot (flu shot, tetanus shot, H1N1?)
Switching gears...
Google Search: Miley Cyrus eats...
Prompts/Results: Miley Cyrus eats cats (Chinese food? Mr. Whiskers?)
meat (what? she's a vegetarianism)
puppies (Korean food? Fluffy?)
you (RUN FOR YOU LIFE!)
a baby (so I guess babysitting is out of the question...)
Google Search: Why is my...
Prompts/Results: Why is my eye twitching
poop green (PLEASE see a doctor)
dog staring at me (he has the rumblies that only hands can satisfy?)
internet so slow (blame your parents, school, or computer)
dog throwing up (hands didn't agree with him?)
hair falling out (you're married, have kids, your dog just ate hands)
Google Search: My head is...
Prompts/Results: My head is stuck in the clouds (does she begs you to come down?)
bloody but unbound (HOSPITAL)
itchy (lice, dandruff, cheap wig...?)
full of pretty lumps (lovely lady lumps? lumps of oatmeal or coal?)
too big (well DUH. I mean look at your melon-headed children)
heavy (see "too big")
Scared yet? Well...suffice it to say that my curiosity and bored tendencies tonight have been quelled/squashed/put to rest. Google is a magical thing and provides lots of opinions and knowledge, but be careful. Remember, with great power comes great...nah. That quote is just plain overrated.
Google Search: Justin Bieber is...
Prompts/Results: Justin Bieber is gay (debatable)
51 (make-up is a marvelous and magical thing)
dead (...Bieber undead fever?)
a girl (just because he sings like one)
a gay baby (my favorite)
ugly (to each her own)
fake (hope not, who would little girls cry about?)
Google Search: Justin Bieber needs to...
Prompts/Results: Justin Bieber needs to die (that's not very nice)
pee (at some point)
go away (from...?)
hit puberty (AMEN)
be shot (flu shot, tetanus shot, H1N1?)
Switching gears...
Google Search: Miley Cyrus eats...
Prompts/Results: Miley Cyrus eats cats (Chinese food? Mr. Whiskers?)
meat (what? she's a vegetarianism)
puppies (Korean food? Fluffy?)
you (RUN FOR YOU LIFE!)
a baby (so I guess babysitting is out of the question...)
Google Search: Why is my...
Prompts/Results: Why is my eye twitching
poop green (PLEASE see a doctor)
dog staring at me (he has the rumblies that only hands can satisfy?)
internet so slow (blame your parents, school, or computer)
dog throwing up (hands didn't agree with him?)
hair falling out (you're married, have kids, your dog just ate hands)
Google Search: My head is...
Prompts/Results: My head is stuck in the clouds (does she begs you to come down?)
bloody but unbound (HOSPITAL)
itchy (lice, dandruff, cheap wig...?)
full of pretty lumps (lovely lady lumps? lumps of oatmeal or coal?)
too big (well DUH. I mean look at your melon-headed children)
heavy (see "too big")
Scared yet? Well...suffice it to say that my curiosity and bored tendencies tonight have been quelled/squashed/put to rest. Google is a magical thing and provides lots of opinions and knowledge, but be careful. Remember, with great power comes great...nah. That quote is just plain overrated.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Zombie 101
Last night I got less than 6 hours of sleep. I know, college student, they never sleep so "big whoop" right? WRONG. It ruined my morning. Ok...maybe not ruined, wouldn't want to be melodramatic now would we? Let's just say it made my morning very interesting.
7 am - I crawl out of bed like a beached whale (Lets just say I didn't die, but I felt close to death...Oh and I know what you're thinking, "Beached whales can't crawl, they wash up on the beach and die if not returned to the ocean in an hour or less". Well, if whales had bigger flippers, smaller torsos, and could breathe oxygen then they would have resembled what I appeared to do this morning. Don't judge me).
7:40 am - After getting ready I lurch (very zombie-like) to the library so I can print out an English paper. Silly little me did not know the library did not open until 7:45 am. The librarian looked at me through the glass and attempted a numeric sign-language to let me know that I would have to wait. I actually figured out that I had to wait 5 minutes by reading the sign on the front of the door. Nice try librarian. Oh, and did I mention the stoic and very unfriendly expression I wore on my face? Yeah...it wasn't very nice, but for some reason I just couldn't motivate the muscles residing in my face to do anything this morning (who knew face muscles needed sleep too?)
7:45 am - After 5 of the longest minutes of my life I am finally let into the library (did I mention that it was cold and wet outside?). I was a bit upset after wasting 5 minutes of my life.
8 am - I am sitting in my Biology class, very tired, and then I begin to make a list at everything that was rubbing me the wrong way (the list was getting longer by the minute). For starters, a random girl sat next to me, taking the seat of a friend of mine who has sat in the same seat since the beginning of the semester (oh, about 4 weeks ago). Let's see...oh, and she was texting in her lap, which for some reason really annoyed me (lets say it was the sound, or it could have been that she was staring into her crotch and smiling...not obvious at all...). The list continued to grow as the class continued to drag on, and on, and on, and on, and...it was killing me.
9 am - I discover that my English class is canceled, which improves my mood until I realize that I don't have enough time to take a nap...bummer.
10 am - I walk from the dorm to my Psychology class (2 minutes...how intense) where I sit in an auditorium with 40 other freshman (plus an annoyingly opinionated 40-something year old) and try not to fall asleep. Guess what we were talking about...oh yeah, sleep. Aside from dreams and the psyche, the main focus actually became sleep deprivation. Interesting. In addition, one of the symptoms includes irritability...me, sleep deprived? No...apparently college kids need a (recommended) total of 11 hours of sleep a night, not sure where all that time can be found though.
11 am - Ate lunch...blah blah blah. Took an online test for Computer Science...blah blah. Lab...oh crap, a nap would have to wait.
1:30 pm - I was a bit more alert at this point, but participating in a lab where we decapitated a tulip and cut open an apple, pear, piece of celery, a bean, and a kernel of corn does little to stimulate the mind.
After returning to the room I actually didn't nap until 4 pm...and when I woke up an hour later with the longest dream I've ever had still fresh in my mind I felt like a zombie again (the bloodshot eyes came with the static facial expression). If anyone needs some lessons on how to be undead, the best recommendation I have would be to drink caffeine around 10 pm, lie in bed for 2ish hours, fall into a fitful sleep between 1-2 am, and then attempt to leave their covers 5 hours later. Trust me, they might even win an Oscar or motivate villagers to seek shelter in an attempt to keep (what little) brain matter they posses to themselves.
Let's just say that my hope for tonight is that I can fall asleep before 12 am, and I can proudly say that I clocked in a solid 8-9 hours of slumber so that tomorrow's art appreciation class isn't met with the same amount of cynicism that today was privy to. Remember boys a girls, a good night's sleep may be hard to come by, but it is certainly never going to be overrated (unlike Justin Bieber, snuggies, and those individuals who shower midday or 20 minutes before classes start...not cool).
7 am - I crawl out of bed like a beached whale (Lets just say I didn't die, but I felt close to death...Oh and I know what you're thinking, "Beached whales can't crawl, they wash up on the beach and die if not returned to the ocean in an hour or less". Well, if whales had bigger flippers, smaller torsos, and could breathe oxygen then they would have resembled what I appeared to do this morning. Don't judge me).
7:40 am - After getting ready I lurch (very zombie-like) to the library so I can print out an English paper. Silly little me did not know the library did not open until 7:45 am. The librarian looked at me through the glass and attempted a numeric sign-language to let me know that I would have to wait. I actually figured out that I had to wait 5 minutes by reading the sign on the front of the door. Nice try librarian. Oh, and did I mention the stoic and very unfriendly expression I wore on my face? Yeah...it wasn't very nice, but for some reason I just couldn't motivate the muscles residing in my face to do anything this morning (who knew face muscles needed sleep too?)
7:45 am - After 5 of the longest minutes of my life I am finally let into the library (did I mention that it was cold and wet outside?). I was a bit upset after wasting 5 minutes of my life.
8 am - I am sitting in my Biology class, very tired, and then I begin to make a list at everything that was rubbing me the wrong way (the list was getting longer by the minute). For starters, a random girl sat next to me, taking the seat of a friend of mine who has sat in the same seat since the beginning of the semester (oh, about 4 weeks ago). Let's see...oh, and she was texting in her lap, which for some reason really annoyed me (lets say it was the sound, or it could have been that she was staring into her crotch and smiling...not obvious at all...). The list continued to grow as the class continued to drag on, and on, and on, and on, and...it was killing me.
9 am - I discover that my English class is canceled, which improves my mood until I realize that I don't have enough time to take a nap...bummer.
10 am - I walk from the dorm to my Psychology class (2 minutes...how intense) where I sit in an auditorium with 40 other freshman (plus an annoyingly opinionated 40-something year old) and try not to fall asleep. Guess what we were talking about...oh yeah, sleep. Aside from dreams and the psyche, the main focus actually became sleep deprivation. Interesting. In addition, one of the symptoms includes irritability...me, sleep deprived? No...apparently college kids need a (recommended) total of 11 hours of sleep a night, not sure where all that time can be found though.
11 am - Ate lunch...blah blah blah. Took an online test for Computer Science...blah blah. Lab...oh crap, a nap would have to wait.
1:30 pm - I was a bit more alert at this point, but participating in a lab where we decapitated a tulip and cut open an apple, pear, piece of celery, a bean, and a kernel of corn does little to stimulate the mind.
After returning to the room I actually didn't nap until 4 pm...and when I woke up an hour later with the longest dream I've ever had still fresh in my mind I felt like a zombie again (the bloodshot eyes came with the static facial expression). If anyone needs some lessons on how to be undead, the best recommendation I have would be to drink caffeine around 10 pm, lie in bed for 2ish hours, fall into a fitful sleep between 1-2 am, and then attempt to leave their covers 5 hours later. Trust me, they might even win an Oscar or motivate villagers to seek shelter in an attempt to keep (what little) brain matter they posses to themselves.
Let's just say that my hope for tonight is that I can fall asleep before 12 am, and I can proudly say that I clocked in a solid 8-9 hours of slumber so that tomorrow's art appreciation class isn't met with the same amount of cynicism that today was privy to. Remember boys a girls, a good night's sleep may be hard to come by, but it is certainly never going to be overrated (unlike Justin Bieber, snuggies, and those individuals who shower midday or 20 minutes before classes start...not cool).
Monday, January 24, 2011
Moonlight Serenade
So last night around 11pm, surprisingly everyone in our room was in bed, granted we were talking and sleep was not discovered for another 20 minutes or so, but nevertheless...it was an impressive feat. While we were lying there one of my roommates and myself saw the shadowed outline of a guy outside our window. Because my third roommie (the little one) couldn't see the window, she freaked out a bit and was trying to rouse me out of bed to bang on the window with an empty wrapping-paper roll. I'm not sure if her intent was to make him go away, get a few laughs out of me looking stupid, or a combination of the two. However, it was soon deducted that he was a love-struck "Romeo" who was throwing pebbles at the room above ours in the hopes of seeing his lady-love before he went beddy-bye. Romantic? A little nauseating, but hey...to each his own.
So what exactly would have happened last night had that hormonal teenager been instead a mysterious creeper on the prowl? Well, the safest and most responsible way to deal with that would have been to call campus security, lock the door, and call it a night. However, if there is one thing I have learned about myself from the 18 years I have toiled away on this earth and by living with 2 other adults it's that I'm not always responsible. If there is a creeper outside my window then I'm going to mess with him for kicks and giggles...I know, pretty mature right?
- Making faces
One of the classic "psych-outs" that I'm sure creeps hate is having one or more girls making grizzly faces at him through a set of roll-up blinds. For added theatrics, a well-positioned flashlight held under the chin or some disturbing sound effects (one of my roommates has gotten very good at these) are sure to send your creeper creeping away at full creep.
- Puppet show
If it appears that the creeper/stalker/masked-murderer outside your window late at night isn't going anywhere anytime soon, why not give him something to enjoy and giggle at? Using painted fingers, spare socks, or little people stapled to an empty wrapping-paper roll I'm sure you can come up with many detailed and award-winning acts to enthrall your uninvited window creep. You could wow him with Shakespearean portrayals of love and betrayal, stage scenes of death and war that would leave him quaking in his sneakers, or even reenact scenes from Mean Girls to enrage to the point where words cannot express his flaming wrath (it's Lindsey Lohan acting, I mean who wouldn't be upset?). The opportunities are endless, and if you play your cards right you might be kept off his "bad list".
- Sacrifice
If he appears relentless on getting something before he leaves, be that a "hello", "I love you", or a dead body from the one he loves, you can always use a little leverage to save your room. Nominate one person in your room or in the neighboring room to be the "sacrifice". You can use criteria such as age, hair color, height, GPA, favorite marine animal, number of friends, ect. My personal favorite is height, because by selecting the shortest person in your room, not only have you raised the average height in your room from 5'6'' to 5'9'', but it is easier to force said sacrifice through your first-floor window (regardless of how much she resists, claws, scratches, screams, and makes wild-animal calls to alert the surrounding room residents who are or under 5'2''). So you lose a roommate...at least you gain a full night's sleep in peace and security. Well worth it in my opinion.
- Distraction
In the case that your creeper/lover-boy/mysterious desperado gets a bit unnerving standing outside yonder window, a good distraction always comes in handy in such instances. Flashing lights from another dorm window, the blaring of music (Celine Dion might just come in handy...for once) in his general direction, the tossing of candy (cookies, old food, hot liquids...what ever is on hand), or even using reverse psychology on him by cracking your window and whispering creepy things (if you haven't sacrificed your midget roommate by now, her weird animal sound effects could come in handy here). In any case, as long as it is blatantly obvious to the creeper outside, anything ought to buy you enough time for him to get distracted (and by default) choose another target to devote his attentions toward.
Basically, if none of the tactics listed above bring you joy, entertainment, and/or rid yourself of your unwanted visitor than maybe being mature and calling security is the best option for you. Hey, I mean we can't all be spontaneous and fun when confronted with an obstacle that stands to rob us of 10-30 minutes of sleep. I'm not saying that unrequited love (at least it appeared unrequited last night) is overrated, on the contrary, I commend the stranger from last night for his diligence. What I AM suggesting is that having fun with creepers/desperados/mysterious men/weirdos/"Romeos" who are all up in your "proverbial grill" after the sun has set is pretty awesome and not in the least bit overrated.
So what exactly would have happened last night had that hormonal teenager been instead a mysterious creeper on the prowl? Well, the safest and most responsible way to deal with that would have been to call campus security, lock the door, and call it a night. However, if there is one thing I have learned about myself from the 18 years I have toiled away on this earth and by living with 2 other adults it's that I'm not always responsible. If there is a creeper outside my window then I'm going to mess with him for kicks and giggles...I know, pretty mature right?
- Making faces
One of the classic "psych-outs" that I'm sure creeps hate is having one or more girls making grizzly faces at him through a set of roll-up blinds. For added theatrics, a well-positioned flashlight held under the chin or some disturbing sound effects (one of my roommates has gotten very good at these) are sure to send your creeper creeping away at full creep.
- Puppet show
If it appears that the creeper/stalker/masked-murderer outside your window late at night isn't going anywhere anytime soon, why not give him something to enjoy and giggle at? Using painted fingers, spare socks, or little people stapled to an empty wrapping-paper roll I'm sure you can come up with many detailed and award-winning acts to enthrall your uninvited window creep. You could wow him with Shakespearean portrayals of love and betrayal, stage scenes of death and war that would leave him quaking in his sneakers, or even reenact scenes from Mean Girls to enrage to the point where words cannot express his flaming wrath (it's Lindsey Lohan acting, I mean who wouldn't be upset?). The opportunities are endless, and if you play your cards right you might be kept off his "bad list".
- Sacrifice
If he appears relentless on getting something before he leaves, be that a "hello", "I love you", or a dead body from the one he loves, you can always use a little leverage to save your room. Nominate one person in your room or in the neighboring room to be the "sacrifice". You can use criteria such as age, hair color, height, GPA, favorite marine animal, number of friends, ect. My personal favorite is height, because by selecting the shortest person in your room, not only have you raised the average height in your room from 5'6'' to 5'9'', but it is easier to force said sacrifice through your first-floor window (regardless of how much she resists, claws, scratches, screams, and makes wild-animal calls to alert the surrounding room residents who are or under 5'2''). So you lose a roommate...at least you gain a full night's sleep in peace and security. Well worth it in my opinion.
- Distraction
In the case that your creeper/lover-boy/mysterious desperado gets a bit unnerving standing outside yonder window, a good distraction always comes in handy in such instances. Flashing lights from another dorm window, the blaring of music (Celine Dion might just come in handy...for once) in his general direction, the tossing of candy (cookies, old food, hot liquids...what ever is on hand), or even using reverse psychology on him by cracking your window and whispering creepy things (if you haven't sacrificed your midget roommate by now, her weird animal sound effects could come in handy here). In any case, as long as it is blatantly obvious to the creeper outside, anything ought to buy you enough time for him to get distracted (and by default) choose another target to devote his attentions toward.
Basically, if none of the tactics listed above bring you joy, entertainment, and/or rid yourself of your unwanted visitor than maybe being mature and calling security is the best option for you. Hey, I mean we can't all be spontaneous and fun when confronted with an obstacle that stands to rob us of 10-30 minutes of sleep. I'm not saying that unrequited love (at least it appeared unrequited last night) is overrated, on the contrary, I commend the stranger from last night for his diligence. What I AM suggesting is that having fun with creepers/desperados/mysterious men/weirdos/"Romeos" who are all up in your "proverbial grill" after the sun has set is pretty awesome and not in the least bit overrated.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
College Woes
My one semester (and counting) of college experience has been filled with ups. downs, pros, cons, excitements, misadventures, joys, pains, friends, annoyances, misunderstandings, opportunities, and everything in-between. I absolutely adore my roommates, and I don't know what I would do without them. Classes are what's to be expected in college...often boring but not incredibly challenging if you keep up with your assignments (cause you know that your professors almost never remind you, not their responsibility). I will say though, aside from the blessings I have received, if I had to be nit-picky I can find a few silly little things that often rub me the wrong way (not enough to ruin my day mind you, but I either laugh it off or get frustrated). And sadly, the list just keeps on growing...
1. Changing out toilet paper rolls
C'mon! Is it really that hard to replace the roll when you're done? This annoyed me at home when I had to share a bathroom with my sister, but at college? It's not my roommies, in fact I think I know exactly who is to blame...and they're right next door. I almost think this person does it on purpose, I mean I thought it was just common courtesy to change something as simple and little as a toilet paper roll, but apparently I was mistaken.
2. Excessive noise or laughter after 10pm
This is a problem that reoccurs almost every night. Why on earth would you want to strut up and down the hallways at night talking, laughing, and (generally) being stupid (obnoxious, irritating, annoying, infuriating, ect.) between the hours of 10:30pm all the way up to 2:00am. The walls are pretty thin (surprisingly...wouldn't expect that from cinder block) and traipsing up and down the halls at indecent hours is pretty thoughtless of the countless other students (oh, i don't know...probably around 35-40 girls) who have various exams and classes that begin as early as 8am. Let's do a little math shall we? If the typical girl wears make-up, does her hair, showers, eats breakfast, and does the typical basic hygiene (which should be required for guys...not too difficult to brush one's teeth, put on deodorant, wash one's face, ect.) than lets say most females take anywhere from 30 minutes up to 2 hours to get ready. Saying that on a particular Monday most students attend an 8am class could suggest that any female on my hallway has the chance of waking up around 6am to prepare for class. Take that number and cut a few hours out for noisy disturbances and that significantly decreases the number of girls on my hall (not running up and down the hall of course) that get at least 8 hours of sleep.
3. Laundry
I listed laundry as a pet peeve in itself mainly because of the way some females on the hallway I live treat the act of doing laundry in general. I cannot stand the fact that if you deposit 4 of your own hard-earned quarters into the washer, or especially the dryer, that there is a very high probability that when you return to collect your clothes you will find a strangers clothes keeping yours company. I know that I'm not alone in this sentiment, as my roommies have both expressed to me their chagrin at having one person or another sticking their laundry where it doesn't belong. Not as horrible as the thievery of precious washer/dryer space, my other laundry scruple is not paying attention to your laundry. When you insert your money the wonderfully technologically advanced machine that washes and dries your clothes displays a timer. The timer is specially placed so that you know how long your clothes have until they are done. If you don't watch your clothes and the four machines available fill up, the line for laundry can get backed up very quickly. Not very fun for any party involved.
Overall having 3 college pet peeves is not a big inconvenience, however, keep in mind that originally I only had one (the big scary girls who walk up and down the hall and keep everyone who can't fall asleep like a narcoleptic). I suppose these annoyances are not life-threatening and life will always be full of the small things that specifically irritate certain people. All I can say is that as long as no one constantly whines to others about them, life's little "woes" will probably never be overrated.
1. Changing out toilet paper rolls
C'mon! Is it really that hard to replace the roll when you're done? This annoyed me at home when I had to share a bathroom with my sister, but at college? It's not my roommies, in fact I think I know exactly who is to blame...and they're right next door. I almost think this person does it on purpose, I mean I thought it was just common courtesy to change something as simple and little as a toilet paper roll, but apparently I was mistaken.
2. Excessive noise or laughter after 10pm
This is a problem that reoccurs almost every night. Why on earth would you want to strut up and down the hallways at night talking, laughing, and (generally) being stupid (obnoxious, irritating, annoying, infuriating, ect.) between the hours of 10:30pm all the way up to 2:00am. The walls are pretty thin (surprisingly...wouldn't expect that from cinder block) and traipsing up and down the halls at indecent hours is pretty thoughtless of the countless other students (oh, i don't know...probably around 35-40 girls) who have various exams and classes that begin as early as 8am. Let's do a little math shall we? If the typical girl wears make-up, does her hair, showers, eats breakfast, and does the typical basic hygiene (which should be required for guys...not too difficult to brush one's teeth, put on deodorant, wash one's face, ect.) than lets say most females take anywhere from 30 minutes up to 2 hours to get ready. Saying that on a particular Monday most students attend an 8am class could suggest that any female on my hallway has the chance of waking up around 6am to prepare for class. Take that number and cut a few hours out for noisy disturbances and that significantly decreases the number of girls on my hall (not running up and down the hall of course) that get at least 8 hours of sleep.
3. Laundry
I listed laundry as a pet peeve in itself mainly because of the way some females on the hallway I live treat the act of doing laundry in general. I cannot stand the fact that if you deposit 4 of your own hard-earned quarters into the washer, or especially the dryer, that there is a very high probability that when you return to collect your clothes you will find a strangers clothes keeping yours company. I know that I'm not alone in this sentiment, as my roommies have both expressed to me their chagrin at having one person or another sticking their laundry where it doesn't belong. Not as horrible as the thievery of precious washer/dryer space, my other laundry scruple is not paying attention to your laundry. When you insert your money the wonderfully technologically advanced machine that washes and dries your clothes displays a timer. The timer is specially placed so that you know how long your clothes have until they are done. If you don't watch your clothes and the four machines available fill up, the line for laundry can get backed up very quickly. Not very fun for any party involved.
Overall having 3 college pet peeves is not a big inconvenience, however, keep in mind that originally I only had one (the big scary girls who walk up and down the hall and keep everyone who can't fall asleep like a narcoleptic). I suppose these annoyances are not life-threatening and life will always be full of the small things that specifically irritate certain people. All I can say is that as long as no one constantly whines to others about them, life's little "woes" will probably never be overrated.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Natural Sweaters
Who doesn't enjoy a good sweater every now and then? Haven't you ever been getting ready for a formal event and while adjusting your gown say aloud, "Man, I look amazing but I think this dress would look even more stunning with a sweater."? Or when your date arrives to pick you up in his freshly washed soccer-mom van, did you ever catch yourself staring into his recently shaved face and thinking, "He sure cleans up nice. Now if only he was wearing a sweater vest...".
Sweaters in this world come in all shapes, sizes, patterns, and prints. In fact, in this great nation, you have the luxury of enjoying sweaters ranging from vests, turtlenecks, checkered, plaid, pull-over, button-up, woolen, cashmere, knitted, too big, too tight, or even the occasional ugly Christmas sweater (very festive). Amidst the many opportunities there are to clad yourself in one of these wonderful garments, what I have just described are "natural sweaters". However, there is an injustice being preformed daily by pet owners everywhere that is inexcusable, simply unnatural, and what can only be described as a crime against nature...sweaters for dogs.
Really? I don't see the appeal there whatsoever. In fact, oftentimes dog sweaters appear to be torture devices or ways to punish your unruly animal. Dogs are gifted with a wonderful thing called "fur" (heard of it?) where it keeps their otherwise naked little bodies warm. Now hairless dogs look so pathetic that making them wear a body-tube-like-object and calling it a sweater can only improve their looks. But for the other 98% of canines out there, enough is enough. No, sweaters, raincoats, hats, boots, and dresses on dogs are not "cute".
It's a waste of money. Sure "Mr. Wiggles" your labradoodle might look "adorable" in his coat and tie...but does Mr. Wiggles think he looks adorable? Mr. Wiggles wishes you had saved your money. In fact, if he could, I'm sure Mr. Wiggles would have no qualm tearing off his new clothes and go running (and screaming if capable) out the front door...never to be heard of again. Or you might be hearing from his lawyer...or just PETA (which is worse in my opinion).
Oh, so you bought your dog clothes so they could stay warm in the winter? Well, for starters if it's that cold bring your animal inside at night, or during the day if necessary. You can't really have bought your dog an entire wardrobe of sweaters so that when he goes outside to do his business that he would be "comfortable". I'm sure your pet won't die in that 1-5 minute window in which he goes outside to relieve himself. In fact, the cold might even be the motivation little "Fifi" needs to hurry up and go.
In essence, sweaters are a beautiful thing when worn by people. Dogs are NOT people. They have their own natural sweaters that are much more attractive than those hideous things sold at the store that are supposedly "pet friendly". Oh, and Halloween costumes do not count. I happen to think that dressing your animal up to reflect a little bit of cuteness through a costume is slightly weird but ok. I mean, people dress their babies up for Halloween and that's kinda like dressing up a dog. I mean in essence they do the same things (cry, poop, eat, and sleep).
Just remember, dog sweaters are an unnatural occurrence that should not be continued. In fact, I find dressing up pets in sweaters to be horribly overrated and makes the sweaters sad. Don't make a sweater cry today. Save the sweaters for the people.
Sweaters in this world come in all shapes, sizes, patterns, and prints. In fact, in this great nation, you have the luxury of enjoying sweaters ranging from vests, turtlenecks, checkered, plaid, pull-over, button-up, woolen, cashmere, knitted, too big, too tight, or even the occasional ugly Christmas sweater (very festive). Amidst the many opportunities there are to clad yourself in one of these wonderful garments, what I have just described are "natural sweaters". However, there is an injustice being preformed daily by pet owners everywhere that is inexcusable, simply unnatural, and what can only be described as a crime against nature...sweaters for dogs.
Really? I don't see the appeal there whatsoever. In fact, oftentimes dog sweaters appear to be torture devices or ways to punish your unruly animal. Dogs are gifted with a wonderful thing called "fur" (heard of it?) where it keeps their otherwise naked little bodies warm. Now hairless dogs look so pathetic that making them wear a body-tube-like-object and calling it a sweater can only improve their looks. But for the other 98% of canines out there, enough is enough. No, sweaters, raincoats, hats, boots, and dresses on dogs are not "cute".
It's a waste of money. Sure "Mr. Wiggles" your labradoodle might look "adorable" in his coat and tie...but does Mr. Wiggles think he looks adorable? Mr. Wiggles wishes you had saved your money. In fact, if he could, I'm sure Mr. Wiggles would have no qualm tearing off his new clothes and go running (and screaming if capable) out the front door...never to be heard of again. Or you might be hearing from his lawyer...or just PETA (which is worse in my opinion).
Oh, so you bought your dog clothes so they could stay warm in the winter? Well, for starters if it's that cold bring your animal inside at night, or during the day if necessary. You can't really have bought your dog an entire wardrobe of sweaters so that when he goes outside to do his business that he would be "comfortable". I'm sure your pet won't die in that 1-5 minute window in which he goes outside to relieve himself. In fact, the cold might even be the motivation little "Fifi" needs to hurry up and go.
In essence, sweaters are a beautiful thing when worn by people. Dogs are NOT people. They have their own natural sweaters that are much more attractive than those hideous things sold at the store that are supposedly "pet friendly". Oh, and Halloween costumes do not count. I happen to think that dressing your animal up to reflect a little bit of cuteness through a costume is slightly weird but ok. I mean, people dress their babies up for Halloween and that's kinda like dressing up a dog. I mean in essence they do the same things (cry, poop, eat, and sleep).
Just remember, dog sweaters are an unnatural occurrence that should not be continued. In fact, I find dressing up pets in sweaters to be horribly overrated and makes the sweaters sad. Don't make a sweater cry today. Save the sweaters for the people.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Valentine's Day
If told with pictures, February 14th could be described with hearts, public declarations of love (G rated of course), overpriced dinner receipts, and the occasional crying girl who was dumped on or prior to Valentine's Day. While the love birds in the world were made to romantically thrive on this potentially "wonderful and magical" Monday that this "holiday of lovers" falls on in 2011, where does that leave the singles? I'm sure single males don't give this day a second thought, I mean c'mon...who pays for the over-sized stuff animals, bouquets of flowers, boxes of candy, and expensive meals? The real question is what about those poor single females out there who have no man to call their own? Where are their flowers and free dinners at fancy restaurants?
The solution is simple, Valentine's Day should officially become Single's Awareness Day. This is not an opportunity to look-down-on, pity, or make-fun-of those females (and I suppose the sensitive males out there) who are unattached. Instead this is an invitation for the couples out there to give a gift, kind word, coupon book, ect. to those out there who are amazing and single. Being single isn't a curse, it's a blessing. At least that's what the APOSTLE Paul said (you know, that guy in the Bible).
I mean, what exactly is the big deal about Valentine's Day? You spend an evening with your "special someone" (or in some cases your multiple someones...polygamists out there, you know who I'm talking about) where the man usually spends quite a bit of money on pointless, sentimental junk and then everyone goes home (not going into detail...). How exactly is that so special? Why not set aside a day or two per month for a glorified date (basically what Valentine's Day is)? If you show the one(s) you love daily how much you care about them, then why is Valentine's Day needed?
I guess Valentine's Day is necessary in order to show your "one-and-only" the true of extent of your devotion for them through the purchasing of...stuff.
1. Flowers
Usually roses, but all types of flowers are seen flying off the stands on Valentine's Day. I don't understand what this exactly says that could be seen as remotely romantic.
"These flowers are a symbol of our love."
Really now? Cause I'm pretty sure those "love flowers" will be dead in a week. Some love.
"You are as fragrant and lovely as these roses."
And when they wilt, it will be a reminder of how one day you'll smell and looks will wither. Happy aging.
2. Candy
This gift is usually given through the traditional box of chocolates (cause life is like a box of...never mind). So does this mean that giving the gift of empty calories is considered romantic? Call me morbid, but it sounds to me that by giving your sweetheart a cute little box filled with chocolate is a warning sign that you're being fattened up...Hansel and Grettel come to mind. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.
3. Cards
Do you really need a card with a love declaration written on it to remember that you are loved? In that case maybe you really deserve this holiday.
In any case, this all goes to say that holidays that are devoted to mushy-gushy displays of love, the "spendage of funds", and making the single peeps out there feel lonely/left-out by all of the commercialism, hype, and publicity that they get are super lame. Oh...and so overrated that I may puke when the day finally comes around. If it weren't for my roomie's wonderful birthday celebration on Valentine's Day, February 14th would just be another day on my calendar.
The solution is simple, Valentine's Day should officially become Single's Awareness Day. This is not an opportunity to look-down-on, pity, or make-fun-of those females (and I suppose the sensitive males out there) who are unattached. Instead this is an invitation for the couples out there to give a gift, kind word, coupon book, ect. to those out there who are amazing and single. Being single isn't a curse, it's a blessing. At least that's what the APOSTLE Paul said (you know, that guy in the Bible).
I mean, what exactly is the big deal about Valentine's Day? You spend an evening with your "special someone" (or in some cases your multiple someones...polygamists out there, you know who I'm talking about) where the man usually spends quite a bit of money on pointless, sentimental junk and then everyone goes home (not going into detail...). How exactly is that so special? Why not set aside a day or two per month for a glorified date (basically what Valentine's Day is)? If you show the one(s) you love daily how much you care about them, then why is Valentine's Day needed?
I guess Valentine's Day is necessary in order to show your "one-and-only" the true of extent of your devotion for them through the purchasing of...stuff.
1. Flowers
Usually roses, but all types of flowers are seen flying off the stands on Valentine's Day. I don't understand what this exactly says that could be seen as remotely romantic.
"These flowers are a symbol of our love."
Really now? Cause I'm pretty sure those "love flowers" will be dead in a week. Some love.
"You are as fragrant and lovely as these roses."
And when they wilt, it will be a reminder of how one day you'll smell and looks will wither. Happy aging.
2. Candy
This gift is usually given through the traditional box of chocolates (cause life is like a box of...never mind). So does this mean that giving the gift of empty calories is considered romantic? Call me morbid, but it sounds to me that by giving your sweetheart a cute little box filled with chocolate is a warning sign that you're being fattened up...Hansel and Grettel come to mind. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.
3. Cards
Do you really need a card with a love declaration written on it to remember that you are loved? In that case maybe you really deserve this holiday.
In any case, this all goes to say that holidays that are devoted to mushy-gushy displays of love, the "spendage of funds", and making the single peeps out there feel lonely/left-out by all of the commercialism, hype, and publicity that they get are super lame. Oh...and so overrated that I may puke when the day finally comes around. If it weren't for my roomie's wonderful birthday celebration on Valentine's Day, February 14th would just be another day on my calendar.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
The "Non-Gay Gay" Friend
I'm not too sure how many people have one of these, they might in fact be quite rare (like unicorns, jack-a-lopes, a forest haunted by General Sherman, or a roommate under 5'2''). For arguments sake, let's assume that not many people have not heard of this particular type of acquaintance, and let's begin with an overall description.
The "non-gay gay" friend is referred to as such because of his blatantly gay behavior at times, however...he is not known as the "gay friend" because of his obvious infatuation with girls. This might even earn him nicknames such as "the creep", "the creeper", "the insert his name here", "the fruitcake/fruit loop", or "Steve/any other random guy name so that you can talk about him blatantly in front of him and he'll never know".
What does a "non-gay gay" friend look like?
Well, I'm very glad you asked. Each gay-imitation friend (or at time acquaintance) has the potential to look very different from other "non-gay gays". That being said, you can find a range of any of these characteristics in a "n-g g" (non-gay gay...in case you haven't figured that out yet).
- poor vision
This trait could mean that your "n-g g" wears glasses or contacts, squints quite a bit, has abnormally small eyes, or even has dyslexia (nothing against the dyslexic community, I am vrey fnod of yuo poeple)
- extremely short or extremely tall
I don't know why exactly, but I have never seen a "n-g g" average in height. I don't know if this is a qualification to be a "n-g g", but apparently they only are found at opposite ends of the height spectrum.
- overly flirtatious with women
As I mentioned earlier, the largest key factor that enables this person to be considered "non-gay" is not their love for being feminine but for females in general. This is shown by each "n-g g" in his own way. The most common tip-offs for this intense and slightly creepy fascination for the female race can be seen by the use of pet names (sweetie, sweet-cheeks, doll-face, and any other sickeningly absurd name), staring, following/stalking (low key of course), demanding hugs in awkward ways (standing directly in one's path, opening their arms and walking towards another, ect.), and flirting with any remotely feminine individual in a 2 mile radius.
- extreme regard for their appearance
Whether they are attractive or not, the amount of hair product, wardrobe choices (such as extreme peppiness or what they think looks "hot"), and time spent talking about themselves to others definitely speaks of a metro-sexual lifestyle. For most of these individuals they believe that they are God's gift to women, and women want/connect with/confide in/find comfort in them. Not saying that these guys view themselves as players, but they can be overconfident of their looks (ex. rate as a 4 out of 10 but believe themselves to be anywhere in the 7-10 range) and extremely selfish and childish.
- awkward behaivor
While these individuals may have friends, they are distinct and separate from their comrades at all times because of the situations that only they can produce. This might be in the form of getting sun-burnt knees, being overly dramatic at everyday occurrences, listening to strictly female artists or Broadway musicals, being a red-head, or believing themselves to be good dancers when this is not the case.
Now, being a "n-g g" is not always a bad thing. Oftentimes it just signifies that the individual in question needs anywhere from 1-23 years to finish maturing as a man. Giving a "n-g g" time to mature can be a rough process for the people around him, but in the long-run will usually transform them from a "non-gay gay" to an ordinary guy with an actual chance of marrying someday. So give it some time. Those "n-g g" friends/acquaintances of yours could actually surprise you. However, if they seem set in their ways and do not appear to want to change anytime soon, you should just causally remind your friend/acquaintance that living as a "n-g g" for an extended period of time (3 years or more) is rather lonely and INCREDIBLY overrated.
The "non-gay gay" friend is referred to as such because of his blatantly gay behavior at times, however...he is not known as the "gay friend" because of his obvious infatuation with girls. This might even earn him nicknames such as "the creep", "the creeper", "the insert his name here", "the fruitcake/fruit loop", or "Steve/any other random guy name so that you can talk about him blatantly in front of him and he'll never know".
What does a "non-gay gay" friend look like?
Well, I'm very glad you asked. Each gay-imitation friend (or at time acquaintance) has the potential to look very different from other "non-gay gays". That being said, you can find a range of any of these characteristics in a "n-g g" (non-gay gay...in case you haven't figured that out yet).
- poor vision
This trait could mean that your "n-g g" wears glasses or contacts, squints quite a bit, has abnormally small eyes, or even has dyslexia (nothing against the dyslexic community, I am vrey fnod of yuo poeple)
- extremely short or extremely tall
I don't know why exactly, but I have never seen a "n-g g" average in height. I don't know if this is a qualification to be a "n-g g", but apparently they only are found at opposite ends of the height spectrum.
- overly flirtatious with women
As I mentioned earlier, the largest key factor that enables this person to be considered "non-gay" is not their love for being feminine but for females in general. This is shown by each "n-g g" in his own way. The most common tip-offs for this intense and slightly creepy fascination for the female race can be seen by the use of pet names (sweetie, sweet-cheeks, doll-face, and any other sickeningly absurd name), staring, following/stalking (low key of course), demanding hugs in awkward ways (standing directly in one's path, opening their arms and walking towards another, ect.), and flirting with any remotely feminine individual in a 2 mile radius.
- extreme regard for their appearance
Whether they are attractive or not, the amount of hair product, wardrobe choices (such as extreme peppiness or what they think looks "hot"), and time spent talking about themselves to others definitely speaks of a metro-sexual lifestyle. For most of these individuals they believe that they are God's gift to women, and women want/connect with/confide in/find comfort in them. Not saying that these guys view themselves as players, but they can be overconfident of their looks (ex. rate as a 4 out of 10 but believe themselves to be anywhere in the 7-10 range) and extremely selfish and childish.
- awkward behaivor
While these individuals may have friends, they are distinct and separate from their comrades at all times because of the situations that only they can produce. This might be in the form of getting sun-burnt knees, being overly dramatic at everyday occurrences, listening to strictly female artists or Broadway musicals, being a red-head, or believing themselves to be good dancers when this is not the case.
Now, being a "n-g g" is not always a bad thing. Oftentimes it just signifies that the individual in question needs anywhere from 1-23 years to finish maturing as a man. Giving a "n-g g" time to mature can be a rough process for the people around him, but in the long-run will usually transform them from a "non-gay gay" to an ordinary guy with an actual chance of marrying someday. So give it some time. Those "n-g g" friends/acquaintances of yours could actually surprise you. However, if they seem set in their ways and do not appear to want to change anytime soon, you should just causally remind your friend/acquaintance that living as a "n-g g" for an extended period of time (3 years or more) is rather lonely and INCREDIBLY overrated.
Friday, January 14, 2011
TALL TALES FROM A short stack
A friend of mine once told me that he didn't "trust short people because their brains are too close to their butts". In my opinion, a valid argument. However, I'm not bashing short people in general, I am rather fond of the less-than-average height community. I mean, without short people, everyone ranging from mediocre to incredibly tall would miss out on so much.
1. Christmas elves wouldn't exist.
I mean, c'mon. It's not like people of actual average height can make toys by hand. Without the shorties, Santa would be lonely.
2. Who would ride Shetland ponies?
Aside from children and short people...no one.
3. Many movies would have character gaps.
Who would play dwarfs in the Lord of the Rings or Narnia films? Again, not to mention the countless Christmas specials that would be missing Santa's little helpers.
4. Who could work in the coal mines?
I know children can't work in those hazardous conditions after child-labor laws were enacted, but tall people can't fit in their generally. I would bet that most of the miners today who work in the earth's crevices are under 5'7''.
I know that there are several more contributions that I have not included but I can set aside a small portion of time later to jot them down. Not that I'm short on time, I love spending a little bit of my day blogging it up for the common good. Remember to be original and don't hate on the short people. They have feelings too...even if they can only access one at a time because of their small stature (kinda like Tinkerbell). Cause loving the little people is NOT so overrated.
1. Christmas elves wouldn't exist.
I mean, c'mon. It's not like people of actual average height can make toys by hand. Without the shorties, Santa would be lonely.
2. Who would ride Shetland ponies?
Aside from children and short people...no one.
3. Many movies would have character gaps.
Who would play dwarfs in the Lord of the Rings or Narnia films? Again, not to mention the countless Christmas specials that would be missing Santa's little helpers.
4. Who could work in the coal mines?
I know children can't work in those hazardous conditions after child-labor laws were enacted, but tall people can't fit in their generally. I would bet that most of the miners today who work in the earth's crevices are under 5'7''.
I know that there are several more contributions that I have not included but I can set aside a small portion of time later to jot them down. Not that I'm short on time, I love spending a little bit of my day blogging it up for the common good. Remember to be original and don't hate on the short people. They have feelings too...even if they can only access one at a time because of their small stature (kinda like Tinkerbell). Cause loving the little people is NOT so overrated.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Top 7 Disappointments of 2010
So, 2010 has passed and I know I'm not the only person out there happy to see it gone. Now that 2011 has officially began, it's about time for some honest (and sarcastically observed) disappointments that many people experienced in 2010. So I am presenting the top 7 let-downs of this previous year. Why 7? Why not? Having 10 is extremely overrated.
1. My 18th birthday
Make no mistake, my party was amazing. My dad sprung a surprise party on me and I loved every minute of it, however, the actual act of "turning 18" was not quite as magical as I had been led to believe. I did not think that I would feel empowered, look especially different, or become a respected adult virtually overnight...really? Who expects that? I am merely pointing out that being 18 is no different from being 17 or 16...you just get a few more responsibilities put on your plate and you can go to "big kid jail". Wo-hoo.
2. Sillybands
Jelly bracelets to slap bracelets to sillybands? Not even a contest. While the idea of a cute little pack of multicolored animals/vehicles/words/foods sounds adorable, the fact that kids would get into fights at school over them and schools actually had to ban this escalating fad is a bit ridiculous. What's the point? Aside from being a waste of money (roughly a $4-5 waste) you couldn't even tell what each band was shaped like while on a kid's wrist. And after waiting for an 8 year-old child that wants to show you their 50+ sillybands to remove each one from their circulation-deprived arms; you could have walked a mile, saved a whale, taken a 18 minute nap, or finished 23 geometry problems. Wasn't worth the wait, was it?
3. The music industry
While the songs overall from 2010 have not been a wash, the artists who keep appearing in the music lime-light are as musically gifted as they are visually identical. If I see one more under dressed, over made-up (aka. cake faced) pop sensations who have the same fake hair or freakish behavior I think I might just scream (or throw-up...wait scratch that, too much effort). C'mon music industry. I know writing songs about love, partying, drinking, or being an "individual" will never get old, but many of you're cliche wardrobe choices and rapping styles leave much to be desired in 2011.
4. Snuggies
Franky this is the stupidest thing I have ever seen actively marketed on television. Did people who bought them not realize that by turning your bathrobe inside-out you can create you're very own cost-efficient, do-it-yourself, multi-purpose snuggie? What about blankets? They still enjoy being cuddled with, and they don't have a name that makes you think of a diaper brand. I say for 2011 we give the blanket's their jobs back.
5. Celebrities in commericals
What do Ashton Kutcher, Jennifer Hudson, and Snooki all have in common? All of them have been in commercials featuring themselves supporting various products beginning in the last months in 2010. Kutcher and the powershot camera (it's the powershot right?) isn't the worst commercial in the world, but c'mon. He's mediocre at acting and his personality seems a bit too fake for my liking. I probably will not be purchasing a camera anytime soon. Jennifer Hudson. Ok girlfriend, we know you've lost weight and you look good, but weight watchers isn't the only way to get that done. A little bit of watching what you're eating and exercise (basically what she's promoting except doing it yourself is cheaper). And Snooki isn't even a celebrity. After watching her in that pistachio commercial (not that I favored them to begin with) I can honestly say that I have no desire whatsoever to watch that ever again.
6. Hannah Montana
Don't even get me started. I said her name...'nuff said.
7. My roommate.
Now don't get me wrong, going to college is a wonderful experience that is only enhanced by the beautiful and unique individuals that you get to room with. I was blessed with not one but two nursing majors to live with. One of my roommies is a lovely gal from VA and the OTHER one is slightly-less-than-average...ok, she's just short girl from somewhere in SC, supposedly. My VA roomie is amazing and not creepy (unlike my "SC" roomie). Aside from her odd height problem, she has made it a habit to grab my feet while I am asleep, make weird cooing noises randomly, and she constantly berates me. I know that many college freshman have entered their dorm rooms for the first time and discovered the "odd roommate" living with them. While she is not dangerous, I am happy to say my bed is elevated and I have a pocket knife in a drawer in my desk for any emergency involving her. Being able to tell people that I live with only 1 normal roomie is a bit tragic for me, and might be my biggest disappointment of 2010.
So there you have it. Some of the biggest disappointments and "fails" of the year formerly known as 2010. None of them are truly tragic or detrimental, and I believe that 2011 holds the potential to create a whole new set of disappointments all on it's own.
1. My 18th birthday
Make no mistake, my party was amazing. My dad sprung a surprise party on me and I loved every minute of it, however, the actual act of "turning 18" was not quite as magical as I had been led to believe. I did not think that I would feel empowered, look especially different, or become a respected adult virtually overnight...really? Who expects that? I am merely pointing out that being 18 is no different from being 17 or 16...you just get a few more responsibilities put on your plate and you can go to "big kid jail". Wo-hoo.
2. Sillybands
Jelly bracelets to slap bracelets to sillybands? Not even a contest. While the idea of a cute little pack of multicolored animals/vehicles/words/foods sounds adorable, the fact that kids would get into fights at school over them and schools actually had to ban this escalating fad is a bit ridiculous. What's the point? Aside from being a waste of money (roughly a $4-5 waste) you couldn't even tell what each band was shaped like while on a kid's wrist. And after waiting for an 8 year-old child that wants to show you their 50+ sillybands to remove each one from their circulation-deprived arms; you could have walked a mile, saved a whale, taken a 18 minute nap, or finished 23 geometry problems. Wasn't worth the wait, was it?
3. The music industry
While the songs overall from 2010 have not been a wash, the artists who keep appearing in the music lime-light are as musically gifted as they are visually identical. If I see one more under dressed, over made-up (aka. cake faced) pop sensations who have the same fake hair or freakish behavior I think I might just scream (or throw-up...wait scratch that, too much effort). C'mon music industry. I know writing songs about love, partying, drinking, or being an "individual" will never get old, but many of you're cliche wardrobe choices and rapping styles leave much to be desired in 2011.
4. Snuggies
Franky this is the stupidest thing I have ever seen actively marketed on television. Did people who bought them not realize that by turning your bathrobe inside-out you can create you're very own cost-efficient, do-it-yourself, multi-purpose snuggie? What about blankets? They still enjoy being cuddled with, and they don't have a name that makes you think of a diaper brand. I say for 2011 we give the blanket's their jobs back.
5. Celebrities in commericals
What do Ashton Kutcher, Jennifer Hudson, and Snooki all have in common? All of them have been in commercials featuring themselves supporting various products beginning in the last months in 2010. Kutcher and the powershot camera (it's the powershot right?) isn't the worst commercial in the world, but c'mon. He's mediocre at acting and his personality seems a bit too fake for my liking. I probably will not be purchasing a camera anytime soon. Jennifer Hudson. Ok girlfriend, we know you've lost weight and you look good, but weight watchers isn't the only way to get that done. A little bit of watching what you're eating and exercise (basically what she's promoting except doing it yourself is cheaper). And Snooki isn't even a celebrity. After watching her in that pistachio commercial (not that I favored them to begin with) I can honestly say that I have no desire whatsoever to watch that ever again.
6. Hannah Montana
Don't even get me started. I said her name...'nuff said.
7. My roommate.
Now don't get me wrong, going to college is a wonderful experience that is only enhanced by the beautiful and unique individuals that you get to room with. I was blessed with not one but two nursing majors to live with. One of my roommies is a lovely gal from VA and the OTHER one is slightly-less-than-average...ok, she's just short girl from somewhere in SC, supposedly. My VA roomie is amazing and not creepy (unlike my "SC" roomie). Aside from her odd height problem, she has made it a habit to grab my feet while I am asleep, make weird cooing noises randomly, and she constantly berates me. I know that many college freshman have entered their dorm rooms for the first time and discovered the "odd roommate" living with them. While she is not dangerous, I am happy to say my bed is elevated and I have a pocket knife in a drawer in my desk for any emergency involving her. Being able to tell people that I live with only 1 normal roomie is a bit tragic for me, and might be my biggest disappointment of 2010.
So there you have it. Some of the biggest disappointments and "fails" of the year formerly known as 2010. None of them are truly tragic or detrimental, and I believe that 2011 holds the potential to create a whole new set of disappointments all on it's own.
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