5 am. Really? At 5 am?! What, you may ask, did assault thine own ear orifices at this wee hour in the morn? Well, if you actually read the title...yup. My two "faithful" companions. Oh sure, I'm used to them barking at all hours of the day, but the night? That's sacred, reserved for sleeping and the resting of the eyelids, brain, and ears. Two dogs barking, correction...did I say barking? I meant howling. It was a long and piteous chorus of wailing, two howls engaging in a duet for the world to hear (or at least me, don't know where my parents were during this lovely canine symphony).
I have a beagle and a miniature poodle, and yes, even the poodle was howling. I think the beagle taught her when we weren't paying attention or she borrowed some self-help tapes from the library. Anyway, it's not important that they were howling (I mean...it is, but that aspect was more intriguing at 5 am this morning). Instead, let's examine exactly why these two fluffy bundles of chaos decided to open their faces so early in the morning. (No, I'm not upset, but it would be nice to have some information that puts them in a more favorable light as I do have to spend the next week babysitting them)
1. It was a full moon
Ok, so I'm not implying that they're werewolves, but lunar events have been known to make people and animals behave in strange ways. Some studies have shown that pets engage in more risky behavior, and owners make more vet visits for said risky pets during lunar cycles. Last night wasn't a full moon, but they're inside. They might not have known that.
2. Alerting us to intruders
The basic function of dogs, to protect house and family. My dogs have never been much of attack dogs (unless drowning someone in "kisses" and doggie saliva counts), but they have both been very good at barking at sounds they hear. They wouldn't actually do anything about the noises they bark out, especially if they see something or someone to whom those noises belong to, but there is a first thing for everything. Last night was dark, maybe their nightly defense is howling manically at the top of their little doggie lungs.
3. Bad dreams
People dream; dogs dream. So people = dogs...well, not exactly. But dogs have been known to dream. I don't know what goes on during these dreams, but if you own a dog, have you ever looked over at little Fluffy Nutterkins or Sparky Oswald and seen his/her legs jerking coupled with crazy lip twitching? (No, in case you were wondering...I did not use my own pet names in that example. It's Basil and Mustard, if you must know) Maybe they were having a synonymous nightmare, both trapped in some creation of their minds (a food shortage, no yard time, isolation...eerily similar to prison problems). I have heard Mustard (the beagle) bark in her sleep before. If they were both having the same nightmare (let's assume they were) then if they both started howling, this slightly unrealistic reasoning could be possible. Possible...not probable.
4. Really have to pee
We take them outside before we put them in their bed for the night so they can do their business (here, bed is just a nice way of saying their cage or kennel...which is big enough for the both of them to sleep comfortably). When I get up in the morning, usually whenever they start barking (let's say 9ish, they've been extremely slack lately), I take them outside and just chill with them in the house until they have to relieve themselves or it's their meal time. Lets say I choose not to let them out as soon as they start barking; it get's worse. Their barking will eventually turn into some long, drawn-out, pathetic howls as they vie desperately for my attention. I don't make them suffer for fun; sometimes I'm just out of it in the morning. But maybe this is something they do everyday in the wee hours of the morning. I try to make it a habit not to be awake at 5 am, so maybe this is a routine thing I just don't know about.
5. Victory howl
"It was a crazy night, both of us asleep in our holding cell. All of a sudden Basil has an epileptic fit and goes into cardiac arrest. I've never had any lifesaving skills training! Instead, in my quick thinking, I repeatedly pounced on (what I think might have been) her heart. She stopped twitching and slowly opened her snout and coughed up part of a chew toy I didn't know we owned. She stood up, shook out her fur, and gave me a grin of gratitude. Because our cheap owners wouldn't spring for an alarm clock, we didn't know it was so stinkin' early in the morning and let out victory howls (I mean, she was ok...isn't that worth celebrating?)" Obviously, this is what was running through Mustard's head last night. If I was a dog, I would hope that something epic would happen at 5am...so this is the one I think I'm going to agree with.
So I didn't write this just to complain (even though I found it quite pleasant to share my small discomfort with you). I guess I just don't understand dogs. They can be cute, loyal, crazy, annoying, loving, and (insert your own adjective here), but not so easy to deal with all the time. It's for this very reason that, one day in the near future, I'm going to purchase one of the best pets ever! Our life together will be fantastic and not overrated at all...mainly because hedgehogs don't wake you up at 5 am by howling. Descented skunks are pretty snazzy too. Who knows? As long as it doesn't howl...
Friday, May 25, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
The Creepy Crawlies
It staggered across my carpet, possibly with a limp. Was it injured? Maybe. However, disabled or not, I had no mercy. It had caught me off guard. I staggered off my bed and threw out my arm, entrapping my water bottle, clenching it tightly in my right hand. With a steeled resolve, I steadied my arm and plunged the bottom of my water vessel downwards upon my foe. Lifting my makeshift weapon, I carefully peeled it off of the carpet and carried it to the bathroom. Lifting my bottle to the faucet, I grinned in triumph as my opponent, who was plastered to the bottom of said water bottle, was jettisoned down the drain in a torrent of rushing water. Epic battle? No. But that cockroach certainly didn't get the best of me this time.
What exactly is it about bugs, insects, spiders, roaches, creepy crawlies, and every other small creature that is advertised on Raid bottles that freaks us out a little? You don't have to have a phobia of spiders or cockroaches to not like them, in fact, most people don't. Your disdain of bugs doesn't make you an exception. Instead, you are like the millions of humans who own at least one can of bug killer...you knowingly possess a (weak to strong) aversion to insects. I mean, it depends on the type of insect. Butterflies probably don't bug you as much as a palmetto bug or a wolf spider, but that's not the point.
The point is, why don't we favor insects? From what I hear, they can be quite beneficial to the ecosystem. Ok, maybe not your personal ecosystem. A ton of roaches running all over your bedroom won't give you warm fuzzies or any encouraging thoughts about how they are supposedly awesome for our planet (are they? goodness knows I just makes this stuff up...). So, let's look at this from a slightly analytical point of view. Why don't we like bugs?
1. Hairy
So who likes looking at an object completely covered in hair? Aside from puppies, kittens, chipmunks, otters, Bambi, Pooh, and other cute woodland creatures, it's quite difficult to find a cute animal covered in hair/fur. Even relatives with too much facial and body hair can be repulsive and creepy, so why not bugs? When that granddaddy longlegs starts to resemble Uncle Steve, I'd be a bit wary of it too (the spider and the unlce).
2. Tiny
Ok, many people are scared of tiny things: thimbles, feathers, rain drops, blades of grass, and mushrooms. So what if cockroaches are tiny? So are millipedes, spiders, mosquito, and every other greatly feared insect out there...oh, wait.
3. Lots of eyes...
You know those "nerds" who were made fun of in gradeschool for having "four eyes"? (Hopefully you weren't one of these nerds, but if you were, you have my sincere apologies. I never liked those boring children with only two eyes...) Well, this rule of thumb explains why such torment happened to bespectacled children everywhere. When children/adults/people encounter something that is different and/or able to see better then they can, it makes us jealous. When jealous, we tend to lash out with words, physical acts of violence, and cans of bug spray. Hope this enlightens you a bit.
4. Ugly
Do I really need to explain this one? Nobody likes a bug with a case of the uglies, and in most cases this would apply to every bug (except butterflies and ladybugs, you know, the girly bugs. Guy bugs deserve to die). Moving on...
5. Hard to kill
So let's say that you have a nightmare about a hairy, bespectacled man who is chasing you around. No matter what you throw, shoot, spray towards/on this guy, he refuses to die. Wouldn't you be a bit scared of him? Have you tried to kill a roach lately? Do you understand why they might be a little intimidating to behold and deal with?!
6. Antisocial
In psychology class this semester we learned about how people with antisocial personality behavior disorders are those individuals commonly referred to as "sociopaths". When you approach a bug, if you dare, 9 out of 10 times they run for the hills. Not very social, are they? Well, if antisocial people become tomorrow's serial killers, what about those antisocial insects out there? What are they gonna do? Not a very bright and cheerful future for them, huh?
All of this analyzing and surmising is not to prove that I am afraid of bugs, insects, and all things small and hairy. I approached that roach tonight with malice in my heart and the flaming fire of justice burning brightly in my eyes. Needless to say, I was victorious in my insect encounter despite all of the odds against me (aka reasons 1-6 explaining logical reasons on why any rational individual has a right to be wary and a tiny bit terrified of the traditional insect that crosses their path at one in the morning).
However, this does not explain phobias and those crazy irrational fears of spiders and roaches. If you are one of those individuals who believes that roaches are out to take over the world or that spiders are lurking around every corner waiting to jump on you and bite your nose...yeah, this post is not for you. All I am saying in this situation is that those of you who keep one eye peeled for the next opportunity that allows you to bring one more insect to a swift and just end (aka, slow and painful death that often involves a bug drowning in Raid), you guys and gals are not overrated in the slightest. Keep on killing those bugs, and don't feel foolish in your endeavors. With great amounts of bug killer comes great amounts of bug corpses.
What exactly is it about bugs, insects, spiders, roaches, creepy crawlies, and every other small creature that is advertised on Raid bottles that freaks us out a little? You don't have to have a phobia of spiders or cockroaches to not like them, in fact, most people don't. Your disdain of bugs doesn't make you an exception. Instead, you are like the millions of humans who own at least one can of bug killer...you knowingly possess a (weak to strong) aversion to insects. I mean, it depends on the type of insect. Butterflies probably don't bug you as much as a palmetto bug or a wolf spider, but that's not the point.
The point is, why don't we favor insects? From what I hear, they can be quite beneficial to the ecosystem. Ok, maybe not your personal ecosystem. A ton of roaches running all over your bedroom won't give you warm fuzzies or any encouraging thoughts about how they are supposedly awesome for our planet (are they? goodness knows I just makes this stuff up...). So, let's look at this from a slightly analytical point of view. Why don't we like bugs?
1. Hairy
So who likes looking at an object completely covered in hair? Aside from puppies, kittens, chipmunks, otters, Bambi, Pooh, and other cute woodland creatures, it's quite difficult to find a cute animal covered in hair/fur. Even relatives with too much facial and body hair can be repulsive and creepy, so why not bugs? When that granddaddy longlegs starts to resemble Uncle Steve, I'd be a bit wary of it too (the spider and the unlce).
2. Tiny
Ok, many people are scared of tiny things: thimbles, feathers, rain drops, blades of grass, and mushrooms. So what if cockroaches are tiny? So are millipedes, spiders, mosquito, and every other greatly feared insect out there...oh, wait.
3. Lots of eyes...
You know those "nerds" who were made fun of in gradeschool for having "four eyes"? (Hopefully you weren't one of these nerds, but if you were, you have my sincere apologies. I never liked those boring children with only two eyes...) Well, this rule of thumb explains why such torment happened to bespectacled children everywhere. When children/adults/people encounter something that is different and/or able to see better then they can, it makes us jealous. When jealous, we tend to lash out with words, physical acts of violence, and cans of bug spray. Hope this enlightens you a bit.
4. Ugly
Do I really need to explain this one? Nobody likes a bug with a case of the uglies, and in most cases this would apply to every bug (except butterflies and ladybugs, you know, the girly bugs. Guy bugs deserve to die). Moving on...
5. Hard to kill
So let's say that you have a nightmare about a hairy, bespectacled man who is chasing you around. No matter what you throw, shoot, spray towards/on this guy, he refuses to die. Wouldn't you be a bit scared of him? Have you tried to kill a roach lately? Do you understand why they might be a little intimidating to behold and deal with?!
6. Antisocial
In psychology class this semester we learned about how people with antisocial personality behavior disorders are those individuals commonly referred to as "sociopaths". When you approach a bug, if you dare, 9 out of 10 times they run for the hills. Not very social, are they? Well, if antisocial people become tomorrow's serial killers, what about those antisocial insects out there? What are they gonna do? Not a very bright and cheerful future for them, huh?
All of this analyzing and surmising is not to prove that I am afraid of bugs, insects, and all things small and hairy. I approached that roach tonight with malice in my heart and the flaming fire of justice burning brightly in my eyes. Needless to say, I was victorious in my insect encounter despite all of the odds against me (aka reasons 1-6 explaining logical reasons on why any rational individual has a right to be wary and a tiny bit terrified of the traditional insect that crosses their path at one in the morning).
However, this does not explain phobias and those crazy irrational fears of spiders and roaches. If you are one of those individuals who believes that roaches are out to take over the world or that spiders are lurking around every corner waiting to jump on you and bite your nose...yeah, this post is not for you. All I am saying in this situation is that those of you who keep one eye peeled for the next opportunity that allows you to bring one more insect to a swift and just end (aka, slow and painful death that often involves a bug drowning in Raid), you guys and gals are not overrated in the slightest. Keep on killing those bugs, and don't feel foolish in your endeavors. With great amounts of bug killer comes great amounts of bug corpses.
Monday, May 14, 2012
In Enemy Territory
Guys will never understand girls, and girls will never...wait, I can't finish that. Kidding...totally kidding. Aside from being created in the image of God, the male and female species (yes, I would consider us that different at times) operate on completely different levels. But, I don't need to explain that to you, infants are born knowing that. So aside from the obvious differences (this is not anatomy class...quick recap) females think, act, and respond to life in a way that is unique to their gender alone. Because I do not actually have experience from a male's mindset (a 50 year-old black characterization in a play one time doesn't really count), I have decided that I would grant all you males out there with a golden opportunity; a small and terrifying glance into the mind and behavior of women everywhere. Hopefully this will illuminate some confusing things and answer some questions about why we are the way we are. However, if you are one of those self-proclaimed "enlightened" males out there who understand women better than they understand themselves, pretend for the duration of this post that you are like every other clueless guy out there. Sit back, and enjoy the ride (please fasten your seat belts and return food tables to their upright positions; worst case scenario...air sickness bags are located under your seat).
1. Hormonal is our middle name
See, I'm starting with the basics. Call it emotions, hormones, pms, a bad day, whatever...the point here is that we can mood swing like it's no one's business. Obvious, I know, but I'm just calling it how it is. This is a fact to about 99.34% of females out there at one point in their lives, so isn't it just a relief that I'm starting by openly declaring that females can be emotional wrecks at times? Contrary to popular belief, this is harder than it looks and (at times) takes some serious talent to pull off. But hey, we always have a reason to change our mood at the drop of a hat. Maybe our cat died. Maybe we got no sleep because we were trying to finish that last project before finals. Maybe that music professor took the last strawberry from the fruit line...you never know. You think we can be scary? Just wait till pregnancy hits...(and it will....like a semi doing 80 coming off of an exit ramp).
2. Independent when the situation demands
Don't get me wrong, chivalry is a very good thing. While in our society it's on life support, it's good to know that it's still alive. I appreciate guys stepping up as much as the next girl, but if I get to the door first...am I supposed to just give it up without a fight? Basically, while most females enjoy being taken care of, we can be resilient and independent. We can drive (ok...I'm working on that one, don't judge me), work, study, lift heavy things...the whole nine yards. Again, I'm not bashing you chivalrous males out there, this is just a reminder that as females, we can do things for ourselves and like to prove it at times...usually when it's most inconvenient to you.
3. When angry, communication takes a hike
I think every male out there knows this one. When burning with the fiery rage of a thousand suns, we do not like to discuss why we are mad at you. Obviously, if we know why we are upset, you should know what you did to make us that way. Personally, I have problems communicating on a regular basis anyway (like many females out there, which is why we "drop hints" like it's nobody's business), so just take this weak skill and divide it by the language capacity of a 4 year old. Yup, that's us when we are mad. (I mean simplified of course, I'd hate for any person out there to think that females are actually capable of throwing tantrums when we are angry...).
4. We over-analyze...everything.
Duh. Many of our problems, "stressors", worries, aggravations, and much more can be traced back to this womanly trait. You think it's a pain? Well, we don't care for it too much either. It may come as a surprise, but it's not very enjoyable to spend unnecessary time and effort recalling and analyzing every little thing that our friends, sisters, brothers, parents, crushes, boyfriends, roommates, ect. said that we can find a double meaning in (and trust me, we can and we will find hidden meanings in everything). If it can be thought, spoken, or physically acted out...it can be over-anaylzed.
5. Romantics at heart
This sounds simple, but it's a little more complex than you may think. Yes, many girls are romantics but not always classified as "contemporary romantics" (chick flicks, romance novels, and candy on Valentine's Day). What makes one girl swoon may make another roll her eyes and laugh at you, not with you (yes, despite what your parents may have told you...there is a difference). Here, the best advice I can give is to figure out what makes us tick, so to speak. Is it flowers, poems, stuffed taxidermy, time, money, pick-up lines, or compliments? Well, I guess that's for each girl to know and for you to find out. Sounds like someone has homework to do...
6. Tougher than we look
This point is to debunk some of those myths classically associated with our gender. Not every girl is afraid of bugs, spiders, snakes, airplane food, mismatched clothes, homeless vagrants, science, and mud. Sure, there are various members of my gender who fit into those categories (and ladies, if you do...no shame, in fact, more power to ya'), but let's not approach the female species as if every female has a life-related phobia. Some girls are scared of everything while others are fearless. We're like pillow-pets, found in similar shapes and molds, but ultimately destined to be treated differently by children everywhere. Wait...
*insert point to all of this madness*...oh wait, there really wasn't one. Instead of pulling out some sort of moral or analogy on how we're all created different and beautifully, I think I'll just point out that guys will never actually figure us out. Sorry guys. While these 6 points might help or educate you to an extent (a very shallow extent, but an extent non-the-less...hey, a kiddie-pool is still considered a pool), the female mind is a bit more complex than this. Of course, that road goes both ways. We may think that we know what guys think, feel, like, ect...but we're usually just as clueless as you are. However, females will always believe that we possess special knowledge into the male mind. So guys, if you want to get on our good sides, just let us keep deluding ourselves. When we inform you that we understand your gender, just nod your heads and smile. Positive reinforcement, especially to females, is very "in" this year and won't be overrated...at least not anytime soon.
1. Hormonal is our middle name
See, I'm starting with the basics. Call it emotions, hormones, pms, a bad day, whatever...the point here is that we can mood swing like it's no one's business. Obvious, I know, but I'm just calling it how it is. This is a fact to about 99.34% of females out there at one point in their lives, so isn't it just a relief that I'm starting by openly declaring that females can be emotional wrecks at times? Contrary to popular belief, this is harder than it looks and (at times) takes some serious talent to pull off. But hey, we always have a reason to change our mood at the drop of a hat. Maybe our cat died. Maybe we got no sleep because we were trying to finish that last project before finals. Maybe that music professor took the last strawberry from the fruit line...you never know. You think we can be scary? Just wait till pregnancy hits...(and it will....like a semi doing 80 coming off of an exit ramp).
2. Independent when the situation demands
Don't get me wrong, chivalry is a very good thing. While in our society it's on life support, it's good to know that it's still alive. I appreciate guys stepping up as much as the next girl, but if I get to the door first...am I supposed to just give it up without a fight? Basically, while most females enjoy being taken care of, we can be resilient and independent. We can drive (ok...I'm working on that one, don't judge me), work, study, lift heavy things...the whole nine yards. Again, I'm not bashing you chivalrous males out there, this is just a reminder that as females, we can do things for ourselves and like to prove it at times...usually when it's most inconvenient to you.
3. When angry, communication takes a hike
I think every male out there knows this one. When burning with the fiery rage of a thousand suns, we do not like to discuss why we are mad at you. Obviously, if we know why we are upset, you should know what you did to make us that way. Personally, I have problems communicating on a regular basis anyway (like many females out there, which is why we "drop hints" like it's nobody's business), so just take this weak skill and divide it by the language capacity of a 4 year old. Yup, that's us when we are mad. (I mean simplified of course, I'd hate for any person out there to think that females are actually capable of throwing tantrums when we are angry...).
4. We over-analyze...everything.
Duh. Many of our problems, "stressors", worries, aggravations, and much more can be traced back to this womanly trait. You think it's a pain? Well, we don't care for it too much either. It may come as a surprise, but it's not very enjoyable to spend unnecessary time and effort recalling and analyzing every little thing that our friends, sisters, brothers, parents, crushes, boyfriends, roommates, ect. said that we can find a double meaning in (and trust me, we can and we will find hidden meanings in everything). If it can be thought, spoken, or physically acted out...it can be over-anaylzed.
5. Romantics at heart
This sounds simple, but it's a little more complex than you may think. Yes, many girls are romantics but not always classified as "contemporary romantics" (chick flicks, romance novels, and candy on Valentine's Day). What makes one girl swoon may make another roll her eyes and laugh at you, not with you (yes, despite what your parents may have told you...there is a difference). Here, the best advice I can give is to figure out what makes us tick, so to speak. Is it flowers, poems, stuffed taxidermy, time, money, pick-up lines, or compliments? Well, I guess that's for each girl to know and for you to find out. Sounds like someone has homework to do...
6. Tougher than we look
This point is to debunk some of those myths classically associated with our gender. Not every girl is afraid of bugs, spiders, snakes, airplane food, mismatched clothes, homeless vagrants, science, and mud. Sure, there are various members of my gender who fit into those categories (and ladies, if you do...no shame, in fact, more power to ya'), but let's not approach the female species as if every female has a life-related phobia. Some girls are scared of everything while others are fearless. We're like pillow-pets, found in similar shapes and molds, but ultimately destined to be treated differently by children everywhere. Wait...
*insert point to all of this madness*...oh wait, there really wasn't one. Instead of pulling out some sort of moral or analogy on how we're all created different and beautifully, I think I'll just point out that guys will never actually figure us out. Sorry guys. While these 6 points might help or educate you to an extent (a very shallow extent, but an extent non-the-less...hey, a kiddie-pool is still considered a pool), the female mind is a bit more complex than this. Of course, that road goes both ways. We may think that we know what guys think, feel, like, ect...but we're usually just as clueless as you are. However, females will always believe that we possess special knowledge into the male mind. So guys, if you want to get on our good sides, just let us keep deluding ourselves. When we inform you that we understand your gender, just nod your heads and smile. Positive reinforcement, especially to females, is very "in" this year and won't be overrated...at least not anytime soon.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
My Hairy Children
So let's say you started reading this post because of the title. I can't blame you for being curious/a little disgusted by the idea that I have children. Yup. Kids are scary. If I really did have children, let alone hairy ones, I don't know what I would do with them. If they were overflowing with body hair in an extreme, and probably grotesquely impressive fashion, I suppose they could come in handy. This is not to say that I want Chewbacca-children...but you're supposed to love your kids no matter what, right? I mean, depending on the number of children, coloration of the fur...I mean hair, blood type of said "child", and type of hair (be them shaggy or silky) I would figure out something constructive to do with them. With a large amount of child hair, the innovations I could create would be pretty wondrous and amazing (and perhaps a tiny bit disturbing). Let's find out, shall we?
1. Blankets for the homeless
I have nothing against volunteering and donating to the needy, so why not get my kids involved? With their abundance of flowing locks and the amount of geriatric talent in nursing homes these days, I'm sure something could be done for such communities as the homeless and less fortunate. I'm sure there are some champion knitters and loom weavers tired of resting in their resting homes, itching to take up their needles again and fight the battle against stiff fingers and inflamed pelvis' (not sure why I added "pelvis'" but I'm sure they inflame too...). So, after my kids are shaved for the week, I can drive some of their pristine hair to the Bingo clubs and retirement homes for the old ones to go to town with. The sweaters, blankets, parkas, afghans, and turtle-necks produced from such weaving can all go to charity. Helping others, one haircut at a time...what a life.
2. Inspirational speaking
While my kids are young and have no idea what English and intelligible speech is, I can help others by using them as props at parenting and self-help seminars. Trying to quit smoking? What if I brought my 3 fuzzy children and declared that I smoked while I was pregnant with them, resulting in excessive and irreversible hair growth...would you be scared enough to quit? Or, say your kids don't wanna eat their veggies? What if your 2 ten-year olds met my kids, who supposedly never as much as a single carrot in their live, resulting in their uncontrollable transformation into baby werewolves? Think your kids might start wolfing down their vegetables? I'm 'lycan the sound of that...(sorry, bad werewolf joke).
3. Organic clothing
I'm all about saving money and doing the "environmentally friendly" thing, so why now do both? I call it organic clothing. Hairy kids need haircuts and clothes (cause the only thing more disturbing than hairy children is naked hairy children), so let's combine the two. After I, or that lovely person I hire, trims my children for their weekly haircut, I can collect said hair and make clothes. I'm no seamstress, but I'm sure I could pull something together...or I can contact some 4-H girls who live nearby and want to earn a badge or award (whatever those kids earn these days for practicing womanly skills and such housewifery) in sewing. My kids may not need extensions with all that fluff they're covered in, but they're gonna have some fabulous weaves.
4. Cosmetology dummies
The term "dummies" here is not to insult the intelligence of my children/future children/future fuzzy children. I suppose I could use a less condoning term such as "model" or "assistant"...but I am immature and I like the word dummy. I could rent out my children to local cosmetology schools for them to expand and sharpen their hair styling techniques, and my children would be returned to me (ideally) with slightly more manageable hair. Yes, they would still be walking stuff animals, but with all of that hair, why let it go to waste?
5. Human mops
So as a mom, hypothetically of course, I'm going to need to keep house and maintain a clean living environment. Obviously my kids are going to assist me in household chores (that's what kids are for, like Santa's elves without the pointy ears and cherry dispositions). So, because they're covered in so much hair and they have to bathe eventually...why not combine two tasks? They can run, roll, tumble, be dragged through my house covered in suds...like natural human mops. Eventually they'll dry and so will my floors. It's a win-win. And, when dry, they can also double as dusters. As children (rambunctious and flexible) they should be able to reach those small dusty spots in my house that I miss when manually dusting the old-fashion way.
6. Practical jokes
A bit selfish of me? Absolutely. But think about it. Wouldn't it be funny when some teenage hooligans are camping out in the woods with their friends for the weekend and then a couple of hairy children (resembling Big Foot or some another freakishly hairy person) run screaming through their campsite? The chaos and bladder-failure that would ensue as a result would no doubt be worth the 30ish minute drive out there...not to mention the potential haunted houses and overall "prankage" potential for co-workers and annoying family members such camping scares could inspire.
Would you believe that the title of this post was inspired by the two hairy children I spend my days babysitting? Well, maybe children is the wrong term here, but my beagle and poodle certainly act like little fuzzy kids sometimes. Two crazy, loud, fuzzy children...a barrel-full of laughs, let me tell you. I know that some of the ideas I suggest (if I did have a few fur-encrusted kids to call my own) seem a bit harsh. However, I sincerely deny any realistic aspect of this post in general. So don't overreact, cause that's just overrated. I mean, c'mon...we both know that I'm not having kids.
1. Blankets for the homeless
I have nothing against volunteering and donating to the needy, so why not get my kids involved? With their abundance of flowing locks and the amount of geriatric talent in nursing homes these days, I'm sure something could be done for such communities as the homeless and less fortunate. I'm sure there are some champion knitters and loom weavers tired of resting in their resting homes, itching to take up their needles again and fight the battle against stiff fingers and inflamed pelvis' (not sure why I added "pelvis'" but I'm sure they inflame too...). So, after my kids are shaved for the week, I can drive some of their pristine hair to the Bingo clubs and retirement homes for the old ones to go to town with. The sweaters, blankets, parkas, afghans, and turtle-necks produced from such weaving can all go to charity. Helping others, one haircut at a time...what a life.
2. Inspirational speaking
While my kids are young and have no idea what English and intelligible speech is, I can help others by using them as props at parenting and self-help seminars. Trying to quit smoking? What if I brought my 3 fuzzy children and declared that I smoked while I was pregnant with them, resulting in excessive and irreversible hair growth...would you be scared enough to quit? Or, say your kids don't wanna eat their veggies? What if your 2 ten-year olds met my kids, who supposedly never as much as a single carrot in their live, resulting in their uncontrollable transformation into baby werewolves? Think your kids might start wolfing down their vegetables? I'm 'lycan the sound of that...(sorry, bad werewolf joke).
3. Organic clothing
I'm all about saving money and doing the "environmentally friendly" thing, so why now do both? I call it organic clothing. Hairy kids need haircuts and clothes (cause the only thing more disturbing than hairy children is naked hairy children), so let's combine the two. After I, or that lovely person I hire, trims my children for their weekly haircut, I can collect said hair and make clothes. I'm no seamstress, but I'm sure I could pull something together...or I can contact some 4-H girls who live nearby and want to earn a badge or award (whatever those kids earn these days for practicing womanly skills and such housewifery) in sewing. My kids may not need extensions with all that fluff they're covered in, but they're gonna have some fabulous weaves.
4. Cosmetology dummies
The term "dummies" here is not to insult the intelligence of my children/future children/future fuzzy children. I suppose I could use a less condoning term such as "model" or "assistant"...but I am immature and I like the word dummy. I could rent out my children to local cosmetology schools for them to expand and sharpen their hair styling techniques, and my children would be returned to me (ideally) with slightly more manageable hair. Yes, they would still be walking stuff animals, but with all of that hair, why let it go to waste?
5. Human mops
So as a mom, hypothetically of course, I'm going to need to keep house and maintain a clean living environment. Obviously my kids are going to assist me in household chores (that's what kids are for, like Santa's elves without the pointy ears and cherry dispositions). So, because they're covered in so much hair and they have to bathe eventually...why not combine two tasks? They can run, roll, tumble, be dragged through my house covered in suds...like natural human mops. Eventually they'll dry and so will my floors. It's a win-win. And, when dry, they can also double as dusters. As children (rambunctious and flexible) they should be able to reach those small dusty spots in my house that I miss when manually dusting the old-fashion way.
6. Practical jokes
A bit selfish of me? Absolutely. But think about it. Wouldn't it be funny when some teenage hooligans are camping out in the woods with their friends for the weekend and then a couple of hairy children (resembling Big Foot or some another freakishly hairy person) run screaming through their campsite? The chaos and bladder-failure that would ensue as a result would no doubt be worth the 30ish minute drive out there...not to mention the potential haunted houses and overall "prankage" potential for co-workers and annoying family members such camping scares could inspire.
Would you believe that the title of this post was inspired by the two hairy children I spend my days babysitting? Well, maybe children is the wrong term here, but my beagle and poodle certainly act like little fuzzy kids sometimes. Two crazy, loud, fuzzy children...a barrel-full of laughs, let me tell you. I know that some of the ideas I suggest (if I did have a few fur-encrusted kids to call my own) seem a bit harsh. However, I sincerely deny any realistic aspect of this post in general. So don't overreact, cause that's just overrated. I mean, c'mon...we both know that I'm not having kids.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
The Friend Ship
What exactly does a "friend" look like? Most people have their own definition of what makes a true friend and know what they are looking for when they are in the market to purchase/make/discover/create a new one. Oh, I'm sure many of the "friend" traits include virtues like honesty, trustworthiness, kindness, and any other happy-fuzzy-warm-feeling attribute that could also be used to describe a faithful Labrador, but is that all there is to it?
As the saying goes, a friend will bail you out of jail while a best friend will be sitting beside you in the cell saying, "man, that was fun". (Note: to better relate to this analogy, feel free to substitute another more realistic, personalized response for "man, that was fun.") Yes, this hypothetical cellmate (assuming you were already acquainted...) demonstrates loyalty and a sense of devotion (true marks of friendship), but what about those other more tedious traits that might come in handy when interviewing for potential friend-candidates? Well, not to worry, I've got you covered. Simply read along and nod your head in agreement, because I'm about to make your friend search a whole lot easier. You're welcome.
1. A job holder (Responsible)
This is kind of a basic one in my book, and it serves two purpose. Having friends who are employed or have other financial means (legal...most of the time) of occasionally going out for dinner or a fun night on the town shows that they are willing to spend money to hang with you. In addition to allowing your friendship to grow (like a plant), marinate (like chicken), and mature (like a 13 year old boy), it also demonstrates a level of responsibility on your friends' parts to be able to maintain and manage their finances (ok, to an extent...).
2. A pee buddy at your wedding (Serving)
No, this is not just for females (I know what you were thinking guys) cause when your wedding day rolls around, who wouldn't want their best man/maid of honor to be willing to take their nervous-wreck-of-a-self to the little boys/girls room? At times, we all need help. As potentially awkward as a pee buddy might be at your wedding, aren't you glad they're willing to go that extra mile (or 2-ply tissue square) to help you in your time of need? (Seriously, have you seen how much lace and chiffon they use in wedding dresses these days?).
3. A partner in crime...literally (Determined)
While I am not advocating crime or violence, I merely am referring back to the first example (in case you forgot, it involved you in a cell). When the chips fall and you find yourself in need of a body bag, shovel, and 2 bottles of bleach...who are you gonna call? (If you said "Ghostbusters" I give you props, but you might wanna call someone who did not appear in a series of 80's films and questionable cartoons) A less severe question would be, when you have to do something that you'd rather not do (for example, when you're being mauled by a troop of starving girl scouts or Justin Bieber is singing you a solo), who would willingly volunteer to suffer with you? In such cases, these determined and loyal friends won't leave you hanging. Even if they have to drive 2-3 hours to your house, they'll be there for you (cue Friends theme song).
4. A spider/bug/pest killer (Fearless)
Traditionally this friend quality is found in the malespecies gender. Not to say you can't find yourself a female friend who would gladly squish that roach, spider, or cousin for you. It just might take some auditions and various levels of training. Even guys who are willing to come running when you release that girlish shriek as you encounter the king of all centipedes on your way to class should be considered champions. Way to be fearless friends.
5. A booger picker (Loving)
Again, another odd sounding one, but nevertheless, a trait that you should look for in a friend. As gross as it sounds, a friend who is not only willing to inform you that you have a "bat in the cave" but offers their finger to fish it out is definitely a close friend. Hey, so what if it's gross? You don't have to take him/her up on their offer...but they deserves a raise (and some hand sanitizer to seal the deal). Many friends wouldn't even point out your nostril hitchhiker in public. As potentially embarrassing as this could be, I consider it an act of love from a brave (and quite frankly hardcore) friend. Don't judge me.
6. An old-timer (Wise)
Everyone should have at least 1-2 friends they consider old, whether they are days, months, years, or centuries older than you. Like the first point, this offers two benefits. First, and foremost: wisdom. Not to say that a friend who is only 3-5 years older than you knows everything, but he/she is most certain to have passed through stuff that you haven't yet. While they don't necessarily have the answers to everything (and might be torturing themselves with a horrible major...like computer science or floral management), as older friends, they are usually wise (to an extent) in one level of life-smarts or another. And secondly, my personal favorite benefit of having such friends is that you can affectionately refer to them as "grandpa" or "oldie-locks." sign them up fort geriatric magazine subscriptions, and remind them of their fading glory days when they're having those rare moments of spry and youthful energy (all in the name of friendship and love, of course).
While these are all fantastic traits (in my opinion) to have in a friend, you don't have to limit such characteristics to one friend in particular (even though that'd be awfully convenient). Spread the love. You know you have various friends that you love for different reasons and personality quirks. Not every friend is brave or would stick their finger, willingly, in your nostril to save you from public humiliation. And you know what, that's fine. The more diverse and oddly assorted your friends are, the better.
Too much of a good thing cannot remain good. If you have 3 friends willing to sit in jail with you but nobody responsible enough to bail you out, you're going to be sitting in that cell for awhile. Basically, enjoy your friends and be willing to look for traits outside your "Labrador list". You might surprise yourself with what other qualities you find that you were missing but never knew could exist in others. Surprises (and people in general) may be scary, but not taking chances in building relationships with others is seriously overrated.
As the saying goes, a friend will bail you out of jail while a best friend will be sitting beside you in the cell saying, "man, that was fun". (Note: to better relate to this analogy, feel free to substitute another more realistic, personalized response for "man, that was fun.") Yes, this hypothetical cellmate (assuming you were already acquainted...) demonstrates loyalty and a sense of devotion (true marks of friendship), but what about those other more tedious traits that might come in handy when interviewing for potential friend-candidates? Well, not to worry, I've got you covered. Simply read along and nod your head in agreement, because I'm about to make your friend search a whole lot easier. You're welcome.
1. A job holder (Responsible)
This is kind of a basic one in my book, and it serves two purpose. Having friends who are employed or have other financial means (legal...most of the time) of occasionally going out for dinner or a fun night on the town shows that they are willing to spend money to hang with you. In addition to allowing your friendship to grow (like a plant), marinate (like chicken), and mature (like a 13 year old boy), it also demonstrates a level of responsibility on your friends' parts to be able to maintain and manage their finances (ok, to an extent...).
2. A pee buddy at your wedding (Serving)
No, this is not just for females (I know what you were thinking guys) cause when your wedding day rolls around, who wouldn't want their best man/maid of honor to be willing to take their nervous-wreck-of-a-self to the little boys/girls room? At times, we all need help. As potentially awkward as a pee buddy might be at your wedding, aren't you glad they're willing to go that extra mile (or 2-ply tissue square) to help you in your time of need? (Seriously, have you seen how much lace and chiffon they use in wedding dresses these days?).
3. A partner in crime...literally (Determined)
While I am not advocating crime or violence, I merely am referring back to the first example (in case you forgot, it involved you in a cell). When the chips fall and you find yourself in need of a body bag, shovel, and 2 bottles of bleach...who are you gonna call? (If you said "Ghostbusters" I give you props, but you might wanna call someone who did not appear in a series of 80's films and questionable cartoons) A less severe question would be, when you have to do something that you'd rather not do (for example, when you're being mauled by a troop of starving girl scouts or Justin Bieber is singing you a solo), who would willingly volunteer to suffer with you? In such cases, these determined and loyal friends won't leave you hanging. Even if they have to drive 2-3 hours to your house, they'll be there for you (cue Friends theme song).
4. A spider/bug/pest killer (Fearless)
Traditionally this friend quality is found in the male
5. A booger picker (Loving)
Again, another odd sounding one, but nevertheless, a trait that you should look for in a friend. As gross as it sounds, a friend who is not only willing to inform you that you have a "bat in the cave" but offers their finger to fish it out is definitely a close friend. Hey, so what if it's gross? You don't have to take him/her up on their offer...but they deserves a raise (and some hand sanitizer to seal the deal). Many friends wouldn't even point out your nostril hitchhiker in public. As potentially embarrassing as this could be, I consider it an act of love from a brave (and quite frankly hardcore) friend. Don't judge me.
6. An old-timer (Wise)
Everyone should have at least 1-2 friends they consider old, whether they are days, months, years, or centuries older than you. Like the first point, this offers two benefits. First, and foremost: wisdom. Not to say that a friend who is only 3-5 years older than you knows everything, but he/she is most certain to have passed through stuff that you haven't yet. While they don't necessarily have the answers to everything (and might be torturing themselves with a horrible major...like computer science or floral management), as older friends, they are usually wise (to an extent) in one level of life-smarts or another. And secondly, my personal favorite benefit of having such friends is that you can affectionately refer to them as "grandpa" or "oldie-locks." sign them up fort geriatric magazine subscriptions, and remind them of their fading glory days when they're having those rare moments of spry and youthful energy (all in the name of friendship and love, of course).
While these are all fantastic traits (in my opinion) to have in a friend, you don't have to limit such characteristics to one friend in particular (even though that'd be awfully convenient). Spread the love. You know you have various friends that you love for different reasons and personality quirks. Not every friend is brave or would stick their finger, willingly, in your nostril to save you from public humiliation. And you know what, that's fine. The more diverse and oddly assorted your friends are, the better.
Too much of a good thing cannot remain good. If you have 3 friends willing to sit in jail with you but nobody responsible enough to bail you out, you're going to be sitting in that cell for awhile. Basically, enjoy your friends and be willing to look for traits outside your "Labrador list". You might surprise yourself with what other qualities you find that you were missing but never knew could exist in others. Surprises (and people in general) may be scary, but not taking chances in building relationships with others is seriously overrated.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
My Life in Animation
Over this semester, a group of friends at my college (for simplicity's sake, let's call this group "No Shame"...a random totally-non-college affiliated name that sprung from the top of my head just now) found that we enjoyed watching animated movies together. Such movies include the traditional Disney film to the newer, cutting edge Pixar studio flick. What we decided, after a time, is that any movie is more enjoyable if you spend the duration of the film with a character that is "you". I'm not gonna lie, I found this quite fun (and I still do), but I have realized several things from this "animated labeling". For educational purposes, I figured that I should share this with the world (aka...the 20ish people or so who take time from their busy summer days filled with work, chores, and overall laziness to read this blog...hey, no shame friends).
1. My friends are predictable
No Shame (that randomly named group of college pals) is encompassed with a variety of personalities, oddities, and quirks that make this group stand out from the other cliche and boring social circles found on campus. Yes, we are an army of awesome. Literally...an army (on a good day, there's like 27 of us). Anyway, these random crazy people, whom I love, are from all walks of life and make our group extremely diverse. However, that's not the point.
Even in their loud and shameless personalities, they are quite predictable. In movies, we can usually find characters that describe a major quirk that makes each of us...well, us. We have the dramatic theatre guru (usually speaking a monologue and sporting a British accent), the romantic couple (usually mature characters who are obviously gonna get together), a few comedic-relief characters (often because of ill-timing, but guaranteed to make the audience/5 year-olds everywhere wet their pants in glee), and a villain (not gonna lie...again, but this usually has to do with mannerisms and overall appearance). While this is the simplified way in which we cast roles, we also take into account the dynamic of certain friends, bone-structure, blood type, the weather in Fiji, and whether one's socks are white or chartreuse on that particular day. Yes, it's a science.
2. Movies are formulaic
If No Shame is predictable, and yet most of us are the same-ish characters in all of these movie...what does that say about children's films these days? Just saying, I feel like these animated miracles, while wonderful to watch, have children/college student attention spans down to a science. A little comedic relief, a villain, the romantic protagonist couple fated to be together, some random extras, and some mildly funny secondary characters that further the plot along with their occasional 1-sentenced lines. But hey, we don't discriminate, and we watch each movie with that wide-eyed sense of wonder found predominately in 6-8 year-olds...ok, maybe not. But we always have a good time at movie nights.
3. I'm stupid/sometimes a dude
This is more of a personal revelation of mine. In EVERY movie we watch I am comedic relief, or to put it more plainly...I'm that stupid character that you remember because while you were laughing with the other characters, you were laughing at mine. Hey, I'm not ashamed of this. I'm just as predictable as the rest of my friends, which I take to mean that I know them almost as well as myself. So far, I have been expertly cast as a Mexican Chihuahua (kind of redundant putting both of those words there), a hyena that didn't understand the "golden rule" (if you had to ask what rule that is, you too probably can't follow it), an oafish midget (wonder what "LeFou" could possibly mean...), and a pig who's sole purpose is to hold your loose change. Hey, at least I was a chick once, even if that "chick" was Whoppi Goldberg (wait, does that even count?).
4. I take movies personally
After I've been cast in a movie, I often find myself focusing in on my character. While this is to be expected I suppose, I also start taking (usually) his actions personally. Of course I laugh, but it's a split between thinking, "I can't believe I just did that" and "I would do that". What can I say, I get caught-up in how realistic animated movies can be with their life-like toys, talking animals, and well-rehearsed musical selections. Cause what's more realistic than a group of animals breaking out in song? Obviously it's an animated group of talking animals incorporating their own dance number into to film to further the plot along. Duh.
While I have been a bit cynical and sarcastic when watching these movies (I know, pretty out of character for me), I must admit that I absolutely love me some good animation. (If all you took away from that last sentence was my grammar, please note that I did that on purpose you Yankees) I love this group of friends that God has blessed me with this semester. The fact that we can all get together and hang out, doing college-aged appropriate activities like watching children's movies, speaks volumes to our crazy-awesome group dynamic. Where else can you find English (liars), Religion (saved), Nursing (loving), Graphic Design (artsy), Education (patient), History (brilliant), and Computer Science (why would you do that to yourself?) majors enjoying each others company? If you answered a cafeteria, classroom, duck pond, movie theater, Applebee's, beach, or foul-smelling lounge...then you are correct. Basically, (oh gosh, here comes the child-friendly message) hanging out with some wonderful people while enjoying some formulaic children's movies is nothing to scoff at. You scoffers are just jealous, and might I add, simply overrated.
1. My friends are predictable
No Shame (that randomly named group of college pals) is encompassed with a variety of personalities, oddities, and quirks that make this group stand out from the other cliche and boring social circles found on campus. Yes, we are an army of awesome. Literally...an army (on a good day, there's like 27 of us). Anyway, these random crazy people, whom I love, are from all walks of life and make our group extremely diverse. However, that's not the point.
Even in their loud and shameless personalities, they are quite predictable. In movies, we can usually find characters that describe a major quirk that makes each of us...well, us. We have the dramatic theatre guru (usually speaking a monologue and sporting a British accent), the romantic couple (usually mature characters who are obviously gonna get together), a few comedic-relief characters (often because of ill-timing, but guaranteed to make the audience/5 year-olds everywhere wet their pants in glee), and a villain (not gonna lie...again, but this usually has to do with mannerisms and overall appearance). While this is the simplified way in which we cast roles, we also take into account the dynamic of certain friends, bone-structure, blood type, the weather in Fiji, and whether one's socks are white or chartreuse on that particular day. Yes, it's a science.
2. Movies are formulaic
If No Shame is predictable, and yet most of us are the same-ish characters in all of these movie...what does that say about children's films these days? Just saying, I feel like these animated miracles, while wonderful to watch, have children/college student attention spans down to a science. A little comedic relief, a villain, the romantic protagonist couple fated to be together, some random extras, and some mildly funny secondary characters that further the plot along with their occasional 1-sentenced lines. But hey, we don't discriminate, and we watch each movie with that wide-eyed sense of wonder found predominately in 6-8 year-olds...ok, maybe not. But we always have a good time at movie nights.
3. I'm stupid/sometimes a dude
This is more of a personal revelation of mine. In EVERY movie we watch I am comedic relief, or to put it more plainly...I'm that stupid character that you remember because while you were laughing with the other characters, you were laughing at mine. Hey, I'm not ashamed of this. I'm just as predictable as the rest of my friends, which I take to mean that I know them almost as well as myself. So far, I have been expertly cast as a Mexican Chihuahua (kind of redundant putting both of those words there), a hyena that didn't understand the "golden rule" (if you had to ask what rule that is, you too probably can't follow it), an oafish midget (wonder what "LeFou" could possibly mean...), and a pig who's sole purpose is to hold your loose change. Hey, at least I was a chick once, even if that "chick" was Whoppi Goldberg (wait, does that even count?).
4. I take movies personally
After I've been cast in a movie, I often find myself focusing in on my character. While this is to be expected I suppose, I also start taking (usually) his actions personally. Of course I laugh, but it's a split between thinking, "I can't believe I just did that" and "I would do that". What can I say, I get caught-up in how realistic animated movies can be with their life-like toys, talking animals, and well-rehearsed musical selections. Cause what's more realistic than a group of animals breaking out in song? Obviously it's an animated group of talking animals incorporating their own dance number into to film to further the plot along. Duh.
While I have been a bit cynical and sarcastic when watching these movies (I know, pretty out of character for me), I must admit that I absolutely love me some good animation. (If all you took away from that last sentence was my grammar, please note that I did that on purpose you Yankees) I love this group of friends that God has blessed me with this semester. The fact that we can all get together and hang out, doing college-aged appropriate activities like watching children's movies, speaks volumes to our crazy-awesome group dynamic. Where else can you find English (liars), Religion (saved), Nursing (loving), Graphic Design (artsy), Education (patient), History (brilliant), and Computer Science (why would you do that to yourself?) majors enjoying each others company? If you answered a cafeteria, classroom, duck pond, movie theater, Applebee's, beach, or foul-smelling lounge...then you are correct. Basically, (oh gosh, here comes the child-friendly message) hanging out with some wonderful people while enjoying some formulaic children's movies is nothing to scoff at. You scoffers are just jealous, and might I add, simply overrated.
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