Waiting on a Prince

As a woman...as a single woman...as a single college-aged female (try saying that five times fast) I receive so much "encouragement" from individuals who are happily dating and married that I often feel like I'm drowning in a sea of single-sympathy. Sympathy? Whoops, I meant encouragement.

Whether you've been to a singles Bible study or watched one too many Disney movies, women have been ingrained with the belief that there is a prince charming out there for them and he WILL get here eventually. "You just have to be patient and wait." Well, one impatient single to another, waiting sucks. I'm not a patient person by nature, and while I'm not chasing after men or whining about riding solo, being content as a single all the time is hard. If all I have to do is wait, do you think that maybe Prince Charming could put his little horse in gear and show up already? I mean, why isn't he here yet?

I recently had a lovely discussion with a fellow single friend of mine (let's call her "June"), and we pondered this very question. She joked (at least, I hope it was a joke) that the reason why her Prince hasn't arrived yet is because he's either dead or he just doesn't exist. Now, while such pessimism is morbidly humorous to think about, it's not terribly encouraging or creative. So, to be a bit more on the optimistic side (this is a stretch for me, I know), if you are also waiting on your prince, here are six more hopeful (and exciting) reasons why he may be a little late in sweeping you off your feet. Don't get mad, just hear the guy out...he's had a crazy time getting to you.

1. He's stuck in traffic...on a bridge...in Cincinnati....and it's hailing. 
Hey, give the guy a break. It's not like those knightly horses come with roll cages or sun roofs, and just imagine how loud that hail is on his shiny armor. Poor guy is probably going deaf as I am typing this.

2. He was hit by a bus while saving a basket of kittens.
Don't worry about the kittens folks. Upon further inspection, as the incapacitated hero was being wheeled away on a stretcher it was discovered that the basket contained not kittens by seven-and-a-half pairs of woolen socks. Seven-and-a-half, you say? Yeah, it's a good thing they weren't really kittens cause that missing sock...yeah, well he didn't make it.

3. He got lost. 
Let's face it, there is at least one ounce of truth behind every stereotype, and guys aren't celebrated for their uncanny sense of direction (nope, those would be birds). Heck, why do you think NASCAR is so popular among the male species? They can drive as fast as they'd like without the fear of getting pulled over OR getting lost. Get comfy ladies, cause if your prince falls into the typical male stereotype, he's not asking for directions anytime soon.

4. Both of his legs are broken. 
This injury may have been sustained as your hero valiantly jumped in front of an oncoming bus in an attempt to save a basket of socks. Currently, he is attempting to crawl his way towards you from a different continent. What about his horse, you ask? Have you ever tried riding a knightly steed without the use of your legs? Well, it's not as easy as it sounds...does it even sound easy? Anyway, bad news is that this crawling process might take a while. But, on the bright side, he'll be ripped when he gets here (what girl doesn't want her man to have to-die-for arm muscles...).

5. He's a member of an organization that values it's privacy, and he's having a hard time leaving said group...
The CIA, KKK, the Illuminati, the Boy Scouts of America...take your pick. Once you're in the family, you can't ever leave (blood in, blood out or something "gangsterish" like that). The society he is involved with needs him so much (let's face it, your prince has got some skills) that they don't want him to leave. He's having some problems entering into early retirement and it may be several more weeks, months, or even years until you see his knight in shining face. But ladies, just be patient, cause to this super-secret-spy knight, you're worth it.

6. He's in jail...playing monopoly...with four...teen sick children...who are orphans. 
Oh c'mon now, he can't just leave the orphans! They already have abandonment issues. He has to wait until they all find good homes and are adopted by loving parents before he can leave to search for you: his love. While this might have you waiting for a bit...the plus side is that this knight is great with kids, and he'll make sure to never leave yours.  

Now, I know what you're thinking, "aww, my poor knight! If I'd have known that he was going through so much to come rescue me from my fortress of singleness and solitude, I wouldn't have complained/dated jerks/taken a vow of singleness." Well ladies, it's not too late. If your guy is risking life and limb to make his way towards you, albeit it a terribly slow-going journey, I think it's not too much to ask you to try to be a little patient and content in your current single-hood. I'm not pointing fingers, this is also directed at me just as much as it is the next single chick. But, I honestly believe that if you have the desire to be married in your heart, that God will honor that (even if your Prince's journey takes a bit longer than you would like). And that, my single women, is hope, and not in the least bit overrated.

Riddle Me This Cupid

February 14th
The Day of Love
Couples Day
Singles Awareness Day
Murderous Winged Fat Baby Day
The Day 14 Guys Died
Spend Money if You Love Someone Day
PDA Plague Day
Heart Shaped Diabetes Day
The Day That Love Stood Still
                                                                                                                                       ...Valentine's Day. 

As unorthodox (not to mention the farthest thing from politically correct) as some of these titles are, that doesn't mean they are not true. Everyone knows that the day of love can be costly, monetarily and emotionally. But, in the grand scheme of things, it's a little silly to think that one day can have such a big impact on hundreds of millions of individuals all across the world. Some love the Day of Love, and some abhor it. But, regardless of your relationship status, or your personal convictions on this day of commercialism, there are plenty of things that you can do on Valentine's Day to entertain yourself and make this day worth your time. (Please reserve all final judgements until the end of the ride, and keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times.)

1.Cliche Romance (mushy couples wanted)
"Love, Olive Garden, more love, pet names, cuddling, kissing, Walmart gifts...maybe a stuff animal or two" 
This is the basic, cliched, romantic definition of Valentine's Day for happy couples (or those individuals who see this one day as an opportunity to compensate for the poor communication, lack of quality time, and missing common interests that many relationships are built on). Nothing wrong with it really. Without these individuals, who would give restaurant servers a reason to hate this holiday (or just people in general)?

2. Low Maintenance Couples  (mainly geriatrics)
These individuals have a special place in my heart. Such couples, not always geriatrics (sorry for the stereotype...), don't think of Valentine's Day as a big deal and don't care too much to spend money or time furthering the Valentine's Day "racket." Most of these couples are too mature or have been together for awhile and are out of the "honeymoon phase." It doesn't mean that they're not in love, they're just at a different stage in their relationship...let's call it "cruise control." They already spend time together and don't need one day in the year to prove their undying devotion to each other (and they're the weird ones..).

3. Friend Date (singles happy riding solo)
So you're single and perfectly cool with it? Just another solo-cup in a two-liter world (not really sure where I was going with this metaphor...but the whole point was that they're cool with being alone). Awesome. Well, if you're not totally against the "holiday of love," grab your closest best friend, girl-friend, guy-friend, dog, neighbor, professor...ok, that could get a bit weird, but I think you know where I was going with this. Valentine's Day can be fun. You can use it as an excuse to get dressed up and go get some food that's reasonably priced to oh-dear-Lord-go-sell-your-car-and-first-born-child-to-pay-for-this-nine-course-meal and catch up. Talk. Eat. Have fun. Just cause you're single doesn't mean you can't take advantage of doing something special with someone you love, in an obviously platonic way. 

4. Anti-Love Day (for rage-filled singles)
"Blah, blah, blah, love, throw-up, kill me now, why is everyone but me in a relationship? I'm going to die alone..." So, you're not a big fan of Cupid? You're alone and bitter? Well then, why not put all of that hate and bitterness to good use? Take this day to wallow in self-loathing, burn/destroy pictures and presents given to you by your exs, get together with fellow V-Day haters and eat junk (misery loves company, after all), or just watch sad movies and cry your eyes out. I don't blame you for not being on the best of terms with this day. Half-naked, chubby baby angels don't really do it for me either. In fact, they're kind of creepy.

5. Economical Support (aka, Being a Bra)
So you hate Valentine's Day, are single, or just don't give a (fill-in-the-blank with a socially acceptable replacement for a vulgar term that expresses strong emotion) about this "holiday?" That is ok. You can fulfill your responsibility to this sacred day of love and purchased affection (that sounds bad, doesn't it...) simply by working. Work, work, and work some more. Those plates of overpriced pasta and salad aren't going to magically serve themselves to couples practically drowning in each others eyes. Seriously, someone throw those people a buoy or some life jackets...that can't be healthy.

Well, hopefully one of these options appeals to you. I'm not terribly excited about Valentine's Day either, but there is one thing that everyone old, young, single, committed, rich, and poor can appreciate about February 14th...the fact that candy everywhere goes on sale the day after it's over. That's right folks, regardless of your personal opinions about this day, if you suffer through it, the half-priced sweets you shall be rewarded with (assuming that you buy them for yourself, as chances are no one loves you enough to buy them for you...joking, please don't be angry) are not to be ignored. Even if you're diabetic (and especially if you're a female), cheap chocolate shall never be overrated.

Can I Get a Witness?

It's a dark, gloomy night. Five young men stand, huddled around a fallen geriatric in an abandoned parking lot. The old man is bruised and bleeding, having been knocked down and kicked by the youth who surround him. Fragments of asphalt bite into his skin as he sluggishly attempts to stand, wheezing and gasping for air. Slowly, four of the men turn and walk away, disappearing into the blackness that surrounds the dimly lit parking lot. The last youth stands for another minute, watching the helpless senior citizen writhe on the ground. Before he too walks away, this young man crouches down, leaning forward until his mouth is right by the injured man's left ear and whispers, "Jesus loves you." 

Ok, a tad unrealistic? Sure. I'm sorry if this rejected movie scene gives you the impression that I hate old people, men, or parking lots. To be honest, I'm quite fond of all three of these things. However, this dramatic depiction does have a point, specifically to give commentary on poor witnessing techniques used by the common Christian. Clearly, if you were to ask the old man on the ground, this "hit and run" method was not as effective as his attackers might have believed it to be. Unsurprisingly, he was probably scared, injured, and confused...but not converted. 

Introducing a topic as weighty as religion can be a scary and daunting task for a Christian, and believers today often have to resort to more creative methods of witnessing in order to make an "impact" for Christ. And you know what, it's great to be different when spreading the Gospel. Have fun with it. But remember, when using unorthodox evangelizing techniques, let's not get too carried away. There's a fine line between overzealous and abrasive. Let's look at a few examples, shall we?

1. Scare Tactics (aka, "Turn or Burn")

Have you ever heard of the pick-up line, "did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" Yes? Well, did you know that there is a come-back for it? You can reply, "no, I crawled my way up from hell." Did that catch you by surprise? Well, when non-Christians are subject to scare tactics, imagine how they feel. This includes anything from "fake raptures" to putting unsuspecting individuals through creepy, mock-replicas of Hell. You laugh, but it happens. You can't be scared into your salvation. Christianity is about a relationship, not the crusades. If you allow fear to move you towards Christ, your fear can just as easily scare you away from Him later on in your life. You can't expect a true conversion based solely off of fear. 

2. Operation Ambush (aka, "We're Taking a Survey...")

I recently was able to experience this witnessing technique. A friend and I were approached by two females who were conducting a "survey" about religion on our college campus. BUT, not only did they fail to write down any of our information, they spent the majority of the survey talking to my agnostic friend about his beliefs. Not only was this a bit awkward for me, but I felt like these two women were lying to us. 

If you're actually going to conduct a survey...write stuff down. If I was my friend, I might have felt like my intelligence was being insulted. It didn't take a genius to figure out that this was a recon-mission for Christ. Bottom line: if you're going to talk about another's beliefs, try not to hide behind a survey. Talk. See how the other person is doing, and if you can openly and respectfully learn about their beliefs and have an opportunity to share your own, then you are witnessing. 

3. Door-to-Door (aka, "Jehovah's Salesman")

In Matthew 7:7, when Jesus says, "...knock and the door will be opened to you," it was metaphorical. If you've been to America, ever, then you know that if there is an unscrupulous character one's doorstep, the door will often remain shut. Now, "unscrupulous" is a subjective term, but for the sake of being as inclusive as possible, this list describes: trick-or-treaters, salesmen, politicians, police officers, Jehovah's Witnesses, and tax auditors. Seriously, unless you are a 12-year old girl selling cookies to earn a badge, this verse doesn't apply to you. 

Strangers approaching your door to "tell you about Jesus" is a scary thing. Instead of driving to someone else's neighborhood,  why don't you focus on the spiritual health of your own? Talk to your neighbors, get to know them, care about them. Chances are, if you're on good terms with the people in your community, they'll be more likely to talk to you about their personal beliefs than some random pedestrians handing out tracts on a Tuesday afternoon. 

I know you've heard the phrase, "actions speak louder than words." Well, this saying has great applications to our faith as Christians. If you act differently than those around you (in a good way...), others may become curious. If others become curious, they may ask why. If they ask why, then BAM...you can tell those curious people about the one relationship in your life that inspires you to love others and the one person who won't ever let you down. Look, I know the Christian "walk" isn't easy, especially when it comes to sharing your faith. In fact, I often feel like my walk is stuck in a crawl, but if you witness out of love in non-abrasive ways, often the results that God inspires in these interactions will be beautiful and certainly not in the least overrated.