Coffee, like oxygen, plays a vital role in the lives of many individuals. I say "many" because you will find those confused individuals who believe that this rich beverage doesn't serve a valuable purpose on Earth (that's like saying that we don't REALLY need oxygen...). Well, they're wrong. Coffee is a splendorous and magical drink that has socially brought people together for years. And, one of the beautiful things about coffee is the various forms and recipes that it can be found it. This is why the lines at Starbucks can take forever to navigate through; when you have a drink that is so versatile (as coffee is), people who drink it know what they like and want a specific combination of coffee, cream, sugar, artificial flavors, foam, whip cream, steam, milk, syrup...need I continue?
Coffee is such a magical and practical thing/beverage/cup-of-delight that it can be used to describe other things, say men. Now, just like every woman has her ideals for the perfect "cup of joe," she also has (hopefully) specifications and standards for her man (named Joe, Steve, Jack, or what have you). Now, this metaphor, like all man-made metaphors (trying saying that five times fast), is imperfect and has it's limitations...but that doesn't mean it can't be entertaining. I mean, think about all the specifications for coffee/men; imagine the possibilities. Your coffee choices can say a lot about the man you want.
1. Body Type
Tall - so you like little guys...no shame
Grande - a medium-man
Venti - or large for you non-coffe drinkers...
Full - filled out nicely?
Skinny - uh...plenty of shrimp in the sea?
Thick - "lumberjacks wanted"
Hot - let's hope so
Warm - so you can't handle a hot man...we're not judging
Strong - who doesn't want one of these?
2. Complexion/Ethnicity
Dark - tall dark and...well, you know
Mocha - it just sounds so...nice
Light - vague, but nice
French - who doesn't?
Carmel - what a pretty color...
White - white mocha...I'm not being racist
3. Personality/ Life Style
Rich -that would be nice
"Americano" -heh heh...funny
Whipped -whether it starts out that way or not...
Sweet -awww, yes.
Cold -whatever floats your boat?
Mellow -so chill man, so chill (and yes...this is an actual coffee term, look it up)
Organic -hippies need love too
Now, I'm a proud coffee drinker who is currently using a solo cup (hey, it's a pretty nifty and AWESOME solo cup), and there is nothing wrong with that. But, that doesn't keep me from appreciating the various cups of "Joe" out there (or from using this insanely entertaining metaphor). It could be that my standards are just too ridiculous. But, who wouldn't want someone tall, rich, and in a jar? (Please laugh...this is a joke. I'm not a serial killer. Just don't look in my trunk...) To each her own, and, as the various forms of coffee (and men) has taught us females, having different tastes and preferences is only natural. Taking the time to figure out exactly what we want, in java and man forms, will never be overrated. It would be a shame to hastily grab a cup and realize that the contents are appalling, unappetizing, or cause us to break out in hives.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Another One Bites the Suds
After being woken up this morning by the most irritating, yet cute, alarm clock ever (2 dogs...I'm not married yet) this morning, my female wiring kicked in and began to run laundry. (Insert feminist comment...wanna hear a joke? Women's rights...) Anyway, I'm cycling laundry (don't worry fellah's...I'll try to use simple terms) and I take all of the dry laundry out of the dryer (machine with no water) and place them on the dining room table (the thing where you eat...just kidding, that's the sofa). As I begin to fold them (make them pretty), lo and behold, I find what I've been missing ALL MY LIFE: my chapstick.
That's right folks, another poor tube of chapstick has bitten the dust, gone before it's time was up, expired and eloped into an early grave, took the bath of his life, past the point of no return (this one's serious; have you ever tried to return laundered goods? I can't imagine it would be easy...). What makes it even more horrifying is when I discovered him nestled between a pair of shorts and a towel. His little body was so light, and when I took off the cap...he was hollow, empty of that life-saving chappy-stickiness. I nearly wept with sympathy for the little guy...or a piece of lint may have flown up into my eye.
Such is the plight, life, and end of many an item that tragically gets forgotten in a piece of dirty laundry and takes the sudsy plunge. In a moment of grief, let's take the time to reflect on (and appreciate) the various trinkets, tools, and toys that took the one-way ticket to their sudsy graves.
1. Cell Phones/Ipods
This is probably the most upsetting/expensive type of item that has accidentally been drowned in said machine. Usually this is an accident when the owner of electronic device throws a pair of pants or a jacket in the wash unaware or the tragedy about to occur. Once in a blue moon, this is the fault of many individuals...but I mean, c'mon. How likely is it that a phone was left on top of a washing machine and your friends place their laundry on top of your phone (on top of the washer)...and the rest is history? Not very likely? That's what I thought...just get a bag of rice. I hear that works in most/half/some/once in a blue moon. Oh well...should have gotten a cheaper phone/mp3 player.
2. Paper Money/Wallets
I feel that this is more often the case for men, who do not have purses and do not actually (in 9 out of 10 cases...there are exceptions to every rule) wash the clothes. Hopefully, you have a vigilant wife/child/girlfriend/mom who will catch and fix this grievous error that you made. (This also takes into account the missing money that you encounter after said "washing" process...let's just say children...women in general who are forced to do the laundry are opportunists...you do the math.) However, while a washer could lose your coins, it doesn't always destroy your paper money. Sometimes it just cleans it...depends on how weak your money is. Obviously, foreign currency fairs worse in this process cause ain't nothing stronger than some of that Ah-Mur-i-can money. It may be depreciated in value, but it can take a spin cycle and...and...not yeah, I got nothing.
3. Gum
This is just sad, and sometimes ruins your favorite _________ (fill-in-the-blank with the article of clothing of your choice). I mean, gum? Not only do you NOT get to chew it and freshen your breath/look like a gangsta (yeah Double Bubble...you know what I'm talkin' 'bout), but it gets stuck...and stays with you FOREVER. Ok, maybe not "FOREVER," but an annoyingly long time. Gosh, talk about one chewable adhesive that overstays it's welcome...
4. Chap Stick
Nope, too soon...
5. Notes
I know we've all been there. Whether it's notes for class, a note you got passed in class, or the instructions for your Walkman when they were cool (don't know what a Walkman is? Get out), one of the worst things EVER is to take the clothes out of the dryer and find a clump of white paper. At this point clump is too generous of a term...it's more like a horribly disfigured paper-mache rock. You can't read it, or even open it, so it just taunts you. If only you'd caught it before it went in the dryer, it might have stood a chance...you monster.
6. Candy
Kind of like gum, let's just say you only wanted half of a candy bar. What to do with the rest...well, if you're a 5 year old boy (or a guy in general...sorry to hate guys, but the women-folk are stuck with the laundering duties...I gotta vent) you stick that candy back in your pocket. Let's just say that your mom is not observant at all, has no thumbs, preoccupied, Helen Keller, or the boy stuck his pants in the washer himself...he's about to lose his treat and get a brand new pair of seemingly "soiled" pants to wear. Oh yeah man, chicks dig the brown.
7. Pens
The only thing worse than your pen leaking into your shirt/pants at work...is to release one into the wild Maytag and discover that this writing utensil left you a "present" on everything unlucky enough to be in there with it. I guess this unfortunate result could become a game of sorts: spot the ink stain, Rorschach therapy to-go...the possibilities are endless.
You'll be happy to know that I sent little "Chappy" off in style; he had the funeral of a true champion. Yeah...I sighed regretfully as I tossed him (gently) into the freshly cleaned (another side-effect of my womanly genes) blue trashcan (symbolizing my intense grief) in the kitchen (the woman's "Mecca"). Yes, it was traumatic. Yes, it might just happen again. However, this is one of those times where you learn a valuable lesson: it is never overrated to buy your chap stick in bulk.
That's right folks, another poor tube of chapstick has bitten the dust, gone before it's time was up, expired and eloped into an early grave, took the bath of his life, past the point of no return (this one's serious; have you ever tried to return laundered goods? I can't imagine it would be easy...). What makes it even more horrifying is when I discovered him nestled between a pair of shorts and a towel. His little body was so light, and when I took off the cap...he was hollow, empty of that life-saving chappy-stickiness. I nearly wept with sympathy for the little guy...or a piece of lint may have flown up into my eye.
Such is the plight, life, and end of many an item that tragically gets forgotten in a piece of dirty laundry and takes the sudsy plunge. In a moment of grief, let's take the time to reflect on (and appreciate) the various trinkets, tools, and toys that took the one-way ticket to their sudsy graves.
1. Cell Phones/Ipods
This is probably the most upsetting/expensive type of item that has accidentally been drowned in said machine. Usually this is an accident when the owner of electronic device throws a pair of pants or a jacket in the wash unaware or the tragedy about to occur. Once in a blue moon, this is the fault of many individuals...but I mean, c'mon. How likely is it that a phone was left on top of a washing machine and your friends place their laundry on top of your phone (on top of the washer)...and the rest is history? Not very likely? That's what I thought...just get a bag of rice. I hear that works in most/half/some/once in a blue moon. Oh well...should have gotten a cheaper phone/mp3 player.
2. Paper Money/Wallets
I feel that this is more often the case for men, who do not have purses and do not actually (in 9 out of 10 cases...there are exceptions to every rule) wash the clothes. Hopefully, you have a vigilant wife/child/girlfriend/mom who will catch and fix this grievous error that you made. (This also takes into account the missing money that you encounter after said "washing" process...let's just say children...women in general who are forced to do the laundry are opportunists...you do the math.) However, while a washer could lose your coins, it doesn't always destroy your paper money. Sometimes it just cleans it...depends on how weak your money is. Obviously, foreign currency fairs worse in this process cause ain't nothing stronger than some of that Ah-Mur-i-can money. It may be depreciated in value, but it can take a spin cycle and...and...not yeah, I got nothing.
3. Gum
This is just sad, and sometimes ruins your favorite _________ (fill-in-the-blank with the article of clothing of your choice). I mean, gum? Not only do you NOT get to chew it and freshen your breath/look like a gangsta (yeah Double Bubble...you know what I'm talkin' 'bout), but it gets stuck...and stays with you FOREVER. Ok, maybe not "FOREVER," but an annoyingly long time. Gosh, talk about one chewable adhesive that overstays it's welcome...
4. Chap Stick
Nope, too soon...
5. Notes
I know we've all been there. Whether it's notes for class, a note you got passed in class, or the instructions for your Walkman when they were cool (don't know what a Walkman is? Get out), one of the worst things EVER is to take the clothes out of the dryer and find a clump of white paper. At this point clump is too generous of a term...it's more like a horribly disfigured paper-mache rock. You can't read it, or even open it, so it just taunts you. If only you'd caught it before it went in the dryer, it might have stood a chance...you monster.
6. Candy
Kind of like gum, let's just say you only wanted half of a candy bar. What to do with the rest...well, if you're a 5 year old boy (or a guy in general...sorry to hate guys, but the women-folk are stuck with the laundering duties...I gotta vent) you stick that candy back in your pocket. Let's just say that your mom is not observant at all, has no thumbs, preoccupied, Helen Keller, or the boy stuck his pants in the washer himself...he's about to lose his treat and get a brand new pair of seemingly "soiled" pants to wear. Oh yeah man, chicks dig the brown.
7. Pens
The only thing worse than your pen leaking into your shirt/pants at work...is to release one into the wild Maytag and discover that this writing utensil left you a "present" on everything unlucky enough to be in there with it. I guess this unfortunate result could become a game of sorts: spot the ink stain, Rorschach therapy to-go...the possibilities are endless.
You'll be happy to know that I sent little "Chappy" off in style; he had the funeral of a true champion. Yeah...I sighed regretfully as I tossed him (gently) into the freshly cleaned (another side-effect of my womanly genes) blue trashcan (symbolizing my intense grief) in the kitchen (the woman's "Mecca"). Yes, it was traumatic. Yes, it might just happen again. However, this is one of those times where you learn a valuable lesson: it is never overrated to buy your chap stick in bulk.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Daddy Issues
I, like most young adults, find Disney movies quite fun to watch. Who doesn't love hanging out with a group of friends and singing along to some Disney classics?
This is not to say that all these movies are:
A. accurate regarding the fairy tale/story they allege to represent
B. entirely child-appropriate
C. realistic in portraying healthy relationships between family members/couples
BUT, what can I say....these movies will certainly entertain the pants right off you (ok...probably not the best metaphorical choice to describe a series of child movies). Watching just about any Walt Disney flick is sure to entertain a roomful of children (or college students) for approximately 45 minutes to 2 hours (and some change).
There are a variety of movies to choose from, however, they are all quite formulaic: love, adventure, turmoil, parental problems, villain, fight, happily ever-after. Adorable. However, if you pay even the slightest amount of attention to just about any Disney movie, you will notice that one of the most common components you'll see is the (ever so predictable) "daddy issues" one (or more) of the characters will have. I'm not even kidding...daddy issues. Who'd have thought? Pretty original, right?
I mean, there are only a handful of problems that be filmed, so why come up with anything new? Too much work...duh.
Anyway, to prove my unquestionable point, let's do a brief recap, shall we, of the various daddy issues you'll see (brought to you specially by by Mr. Walt Disney himself).
1. Dead daddy
Ok, I can kind of (no, not relate...my dad's alive and kicking) understand why this daddy issue could screw up a character's life so much. I mean, look at the evidence:
Simba - blames himself for his father's death, runs away, and lives with two bug-eating shut-ins
Cinderella - no daddy love...becomes obedient pacifist, victimized by horrible step-relatives
Alice - she's just weird...her dad's death only promoted her trippy imagination
Snow White - father's death leaves protagonist defenseless to cruel treatment by psycho step-mom
Tarzan - c'mon...both parents die and, as a result he becomes a complete animal...pun intended
Tianna - all work and no play makes her dull...seriously, is that all she remembers about her dad?
2. Deadbeat daddy
Again, I cannot relate, but when a Disney character's dad is out of the picture...well, let's just say there are gonna be some issues...
Hercules - Zeus? Really? Oh yeah, wait until the kid is old enough to realize he's different before coming out of the "heavenly closet"
Dumbo - We NEVER see his dad...he had to inherit those freakishly large ears from one parent (you think he would have been around to support his ostracized kid)
Quasimodo - lives in a bell-tower, hideously deformed...obviously it's cause he didn't have a good father-figure in his life (Frollo...yeah right)
Andy - plays with toys that are alive, too stupid to ever figure it out...if only his dad had been there
Bambi - mother dies, he's scarred for life (emotionally), and his dad is the mysterious buck in the background...that's good parenting.
3. "Dumb" daddy
Not to say that all of these characters are right, or that they all think that their own fathers are dumb, but sometimes they sure act like they think their fathers have the IQ of a pickle (not to insult pickles).
Pocahontas - Disobeys racist father for love...both are wrong, but what happened to obeying one's parents? She could have married Kocoum and had quite little Indian babies...oh well.
Ariel - Disobeys father for love/adventure...obviously he has no idea what he's talking about. Oh, what's that? He couldn't hear you over the sound of himself being turned into a sea-weed like slave of an evil sea witch...selfish, soulless red-headed devil girl.
Belle - Father was actually dumb (I mean, you don't take another man's chair...)
Jasmine - Father was actually dumb, but that doesn't mean you have to run off with the first lying hobo-thief who saves you from being carted off to prison (who knew that you actually needed money to buy stuff...)
Mulan - Thinks father is dumb...obviously he should have been put into a home cause he was practically ancient. Ain't no way daddy's going to war...I know! Let's cross-dress instead...
Wendy - Let's face it...everyone hates Mr. Darling...jealous of a dog? C'mon...maybe she wouldn't have flown away if someone hadn't stated the obvious (that's right, you grow up Wendy...)
Yeah, Disney is original. They are SO original that daddy issues run rampant in many of their films. Now, I will admit, there is some variety to the daddy problems (I mean, they do present 3 entirely distinct ideas...). But, aside from the sarcasm and critique, I don't think these flaws in parental character portrayals should prevent one (young or old) from enjoying the magical experience that is "the Disney movie." In fact, you should go watch one right now. Do it, I'm serious. Go on, what are you still doing here? Just because it's predictable, doesn't mean old (dead) Walt's life work should be considered overrated.
This is not to say that all these movies are:
A. accurate regarding the fairy tale/story they allege to represent
B. entirely child-appropriate
C. realistic in portraying healthy relationships between family members/couples
BUT, what can I say....these movies will certainly entertain the pants right off you (ok...probably not the best metaphorical choice to describe a series of child movies). Watching just about any Walt Disney flick is sure to entertain a roomful of children (or college students) for approximately 45 minutes to 2 hours (and some change).
There are a variety of movies to choose from, however, they are all quite formulaic: love, adventure, turmoil, parental problems, villain, fight, happily ever-after. Adorable. However, if you pay even the slightest amount of attention to just about any Disney movie, you will notice that one of the most common components you'll see is the (ever so predictable) "daddy issues" one (or more) of the characters will have. I'm not even kidding...daddy issues. Who'd have thought? Pretty original, right?
I mean, there are only a handful of problems that be filmed, so why come up with anything new? Too much work...duh.
Anyway, to prove my unquestionable point, let's do a brief recap, shall we, of the various daddy issues you'll see (brought to you specially by by Mr. Walt Disney himself).
1. Dead daddy
Ok, I can kind of (no, not relate...my dad's alive and kicking) understand why this daddy issue could screw up a character's life so much. I mean, look at the evidence:
Simba - blames himself for his father's death, runs away, and lives with two bug-eating shut-ins
Cinderella - no daddy love...becomes obedient pacifist, victimized by horrible step-relatives
Alice - she's just weird...her dad's death only promoted her trippy imagination
Snow White - father's death leaves protagonist defenseless to cruel treatment by psycho step-mom
Tarzan - c'mon...both parents die and, as a result he becomes a complete animal...pun intended
Tianna - all work and no play makes her dull...seriously, is that all she remembers about her dad?
2. Deadbeat daddy
Again, I cannot relate, but when a Disney character's dad is out of the picture...well, let's just say there are gonna be some issues...
Hercules - Zeus? Really? Oh yeah, wait until the kid is old enough to realize he's different before coming out of the "heavenly closet"
Dumbo - We NEVER see his dad...he had to inherit those freakishly large ears from one parent (you think he would have been around to support his ostracized kid)
Quasimodo - lives in a bell-tower, hideously deformed...obviously it's cause he didn't have a good father-figure in his life (Frollo...yeah right)
Andy - plays with toys that are alive, too stupid to ever figure it out...if only his dad had been there
Bambi - mother dies, he's scarred for life (emotionally), and his dad is the mysterious buck in the background...that's good parenting.
3. "Dumb" daddy
Not to say that all of these characters are right, or that they all think that their own fathers are dumb, but sometimes they sure act like they think their fathers have the IQ of a pickle (not to insult pickles).
Pocahontas - Disobeys racist father for love...both are wrong, but what happened to obeying one's parents? She could have married Kocoum and had quite little Indian babies...oh well.
Ariel - Disobeys father for love/adventure...obviously he has no idea what he's talking about. Oh, what's that? He couldn't hear you over the sound of himself being turned into a sea-weed like slave of an evil sea witch...selfish, soulless red-headed devil girl.
Belle - Father was actually dumb (I mean, you don't take another man's chair...)
Jasmine - Father was actually dumb, but that doesn't mean you have to run off with the first lying hobo-thief who saves you from being carted off to prison (who knew that you actually needed money to buy stuff...)
Mulan - Thinks father is dumb...obviously he should have been put into a home cause he was practically ancient. Ain't no way daddy's going to war...I know! Let's cross-dress instead...
Wendy - Let's face it...everyone hates Mr. Darling...jealous of a dog? C'mon...maybe she wouldn't have flown away if someone hadn't stated the obvious (that's right, you grow up Wendy...)
Yeah, Disney is original. They are SO original that daddy issues run rampant in many of their films. Now, I will admit, there is some variety to the daddy problems (I mean, they do present 3 entirely distinct ideas...). But, aside from the sarcasm and critique, I don't think these flaws in parental character portrayals should prevent one (young or old) from enjoying the magical experience that is "the Disney movie." In fact, you should go watch one right now. Do it, I'm serious. Go on, what are you still doing here? Just because it's predictable, doesn't mean old (dead) Walt's life work should be considered overrated.
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