So I'm just minding my own business in my dorm room...isn't that the way most fun stories start? Anyway, I hear one of my suite mates in the bathroom talking. Ok, quick run down...I live in a cinder block cave with one window and an AC/Heat unit. The beauty of the bathroom is that it too is constructed from cinder blocks which turns our lowly bathroom into the worlds best amplifier...everything you say and DO is echoed and available for the public ear in either rooms adjoining it. So back to the suite mate, I hear her talking. And what do you think I might hear? Nope, not talking about me. Good guess though. Feminine hygiene? Oh please, like we talk about that in the bathroom... You'll never guess so I might as well tell, the utterance from her lips which mine ears did detect sounded a little something like "Man, tequila makes me pee! It doesn't even have to be a lot, just a shot and I have to pee.".
No, this blog is not to rat her out. I'm sure tons of kids at my school drink, but let's just say if someone wished to find the liquored urinate, she'd probably be in any average dorm room (like Women's South, room number 230 for instance, it's not like it's to the right of 228...). Basically, I was just curious as to what a normal response in this situation would be. Since I pride myself on being anything BUT normal, I've composed a list of possible options below which do include my initial reaction (silence...usually safe). I suppose this can be for future reference though:
1. Start a conversation
This one would be the most fun I believe, and there are plenty of words you can use to respond to the chick's quote...
"Whoa! You too?"
"Only a shot? You're a natural free willy now aren't you?"
"Could be pregnant I suppose...oh was that out loud?"
"Help! She's sprung a leak!!"
"This could take awhile..."
Or "your quote here"
2. Silence...boring.
Let's move on to a more exciting one.
3. Morse code
And you never thought that course you took at community college would ever serve any purpose...take the time to tap out some of the phrases above or create your own. Say you've never taken Morse code, well by the way she mentioned her inability to retain alcohol, I'd figure you've anywhere from 2 to 10 minutes to learn depending on how much she's consumed.
4. Scream
Not too sure how applicable this would be in response to a liquor peeing suite mate, but you can never go wrong with screaming. I mean, hey, if the room on the right of room 228 can get away with playing the flute at 10:30 - 11 pm at night then why can't you create your own (tasteful of course) composition?
5. Offer a helping hand
Walk into the hallway and approach their door with a small token of "neighborly aid". This could come in the form of a few magazines (if she's going to be a while), a roll of toilet paper, umbrella, a bottle of water (you know, in case she's dehydrated...), a loaf of bread (to "plug 'er up" if it's becoming unbearable or if you have to go), or even a kitten (cause why not a kitten...you never need a reason to lend a helping kitten).
6.Sing
Hey, pick you're favorite song. Might help her go faster...if that's possible. Then you can conquer the bathroom once and for all.
7. Slip an AA card under the door
If you don't have one on hand from your previous meetings, then just perform a covert operation later and subtly leave them all of the bathroom in various blatantly obvious hiding places. (Back of shower curtain, toilet paper dispenser, on top of trashcan, all over the mirror, on shower fixture, ect.)
8. Laugh
When in doubt, LAUGH...until she's fully aware that you heard her and that you think it is one of the funniest things you've heard since you found out that Free Willy died after they released him into the wild (be free lucky one...yes, ironic name meaning isn't it? *beached himself weeks later*)
9. Pour water under the door
At this point start exclaiming at the top of your lungs, "The tequila! I couldn't hold it in! Curse you liquor!!".
10. Tattle-Tell
Don't do anything. Stop. High tail you're brown-nosing self straight to your RA's door and slip an anonymous note under the door explaining what you heard. No need to sign it of course. You're RA and suite mates will probably figure out who ratted them out. Next order of business..writing a will, updating a last farewell on Facebook, and leaving loving notes for friends and family to discover along with your body when security comes around to do door checks and discovers your stone cold self.
Let me just warn you (if you haven't figure it out by now) you might want to attempt one or all of the above (more power to you), but it's never a bad thing to lock the bathroom door on your side to prevent a peeved pee'er from storming the trenches (so to speak). If you haven't been struck by any one of these options as particularly wonderful or entertaining, then great. Come up with your own. I know you're just jealous...deep deep down inside. Not everyone has an alcohol-induced peeing suite mate, it's quite a magical and rare oddity. And it certainly isn't every day that you hear said female mention her peeing powers in a bathroom cave. While I could have gone my whole life without hearing the previously mentioned quote, I'm kinda glad I did cause making fun of...I mean fully appreciating her "gift" in a blog-like atmosphere is pretty much not ever so overrated.
