Un-Adulterated

Since turning 20, I have come to 3 conclusions:

1. It's impossible to make everyone happy.

2. No Shave November isn't just for guys.

3. I'm never going to grow up.

These vital and life-changing realizations have all been made while I was in school. What can I say, at least I have learned something useful in college. God knows (everything...but specifically) that I'm paying them enough that I should at least receive something useful out of it. Personally, if upon graduation my school offered me an apartment (all expenses paid for one year), a decent job, a full ride to the grad school of my choice, and a puppy...let's just say I'd be one extremely satisfied graduate. But unless there's a puppy, no deal (because obviously that would be the most difficult stipulation for them to pull off).

I'm not saying that getting a degree in addition to the basic 12-years of public schooling bliss isn't important. Quite the contrary, in fact. In order to get a decent job in this economy, you need to have some extra e-d-u (short for education...please try to keep up) tucked under your academic belt. Yes, it is expensive (my, you're quite observant). If there is one consistent thing that students everywhere enjoy complaining about (besides questionable cafeteria food) it's the price of tuition. If I ever have kids (geniuses, of course) and wanted to put them through school (through their academic valor, of course), it would probably cost them 4 pints of blood and their first born child. That's how ridiculous tuition is. No joke.

However, one thing that greatly irritates me (occasionally surmounting my irritation with tuition prices, girls who think leggings are pants, and 12-year-olds with iPhones) is the "highschool dating scene" that translates into the college atmosphere among the freshman, and occasionally sophomore, class. Being in college does not make you an adult. Yes, there are many new and fresh faces brimming with testosterone and estrogen (I mean males and females...nothing in between). BUT, just because you see a new attractive face, body, ect, does not mean that you should feel obligated/allowed to ask out said attractive person after knowing them for 2 months because you are "an adult" in "college."

I witnessed this phenomenon when I was a freshman and have seen it duplicated every year since. Freshmen come to college. Freshmen see pretty, opposite gendered people. Freshmen like pretty, opposite gendered people. Freshmen hang out in a group of friends with said pretty, opposite gendered people. Freshmen eventually ask out pretty, opposite gendered people. All goes well from a few weeks to nearly a year. Come back from break, and all hell breaks loose. I cannot stand it when individuals within a newly formed group of friends begin to date. If the relationship doesn't work out, the group won't stay the same. What can I say, I'm a sucker for consistency. Some of the mutual friends will stick with both friends, some will pick one friend that they are closer to, and other friends will throw their hands up in the air and wave them like they just don't care.

Ok, that last part was a bit exaggerated...I only wave one arm in the air. It happens all the time though. See if I'm wrong. Next time you're out on the wildlife preserve known as the university campus, watch the native inhabitants. I guarantee that the vast majority of couples you'll find coupling' it up won't be together in a year (maybe less). This isn't to say that I'm against all relationships. I know a vast majority of relationships that are steady, serious, and have/or likely will end in marriage. I'm overjoyed for these individuals, thrilled even. I'm merely commenting that based on how dating is often treated in a flippant, irreverent manner (for sport, curiosity, entertainment, rather than with serious and long-term intentions), I have become a bit cynical towards college dating. I almost wish that teenagers weren't allowed to date either:
A. until they got to college (that's the level of enthusiasm many of them show anyway)
B. until they have a steady job (because it's really romantic when all your dates occur on campus...)
C. when their parents tell them they can (so what if some won't be able to date until they're married...)
D. when God gives them permission

Obviously, 'D' is the absolute best answer (which is often a combination of A-C). My whole mindset as a result of such continuous unification and splintering is simply this, "I am Switzerland." Side note, have you ever considered how Switzerlanders...Switzerlandians...the Swiss feel about our use of their country in such a non-committal personification? It's kind of like saying, "I'm feeling Canadian" when you feel like calling ham "bacon," paying to much for books, and adding an "ay" to the end of all your sentences. Anyway, back to the Swiss. My whole point with this analogy is that when my friends and acquaintances break up, get together, and date in an overall ADD fashion...I try to stay out of it. I'll hang out with whoever will have me, and I'll try to show love to everyone I encounter. Albeit a very sarcastic and cynical type of verbal affection, for the most part, but I'm trying to work on that. I'm close to those I'm close with, and I try not to let their personal life choices dissuade me from doing so.

Earlier, I put college in quotes (for you non-scholarly individuals, I mean these " ") in an attempt to question the sanity and realistic nature of higher learning universities and institutes but merely to elaborate on the silliness of the emphatic belief that college=adulthood. Attending college does not make you an adult any more than working at McDonald's makes you a BigMac. College, over time, might make you a more responsible and mature adult as you live on your own and realize how much your decisions affect you. Continuing with the Mickey D's analogy I suppose translates as the longer you work, the greater potential you have of getting fat (not entirely a stretch when you think about it...).

Ultimately, in both cases, you have a chance, an opportunity.  In my professional opinion, immediately diving into the dating pool in college is a mistake and (what can only be described as) an overrated cultural practice, finding your academic footing for a semester or two as a single scholar (and soon-to-be adult) is usually a wise move. However, what you choose to do in college is up to you, so in the words of the geriatric knight Harrison Ford encounters while looking for the Holy Grail, "choose wisely".

Dorm 101

So the institutions...I mean colleges across the country are once again packed full of nearly broke young people (with the occasional oldie-locks thrown in...and that means old people if you don't know what that euphemism means) who are ready to start this semester with its glorious tests, papers, and scary professors. For freshman, most sophomores, and those juniors/seniors who opt to do it, staying on campus seems quite attractive...at times. Is it fun and games and rainbows and sunshine all the time? No. Most of the time? No. Even half the time? NO.

That being said, what can you expect from living in a dorm? Utmost privacy and courteous suite mates right? Heh heh heh...you don't even know.

1. Bunks are low, ceilings are lower
Bunks beds are a beautiful thing. (How's that for a little alliteration?) However, they come in one of two ways...either they give the bottom bunker (heh heh...sounds funny) ample head room and the top bunker a concussion every time they get into bed OR the bed squishes the bottom bunker and gives the top bunker plenty of...well everything room. My bed is kind of in the middle. Luckily my bottom bunker-roomie-friend is tiny and a bit short so she fits quite nicely into the bottom bed, but while my bed is pretty reasonable in height...the ceiling doesn't agree. Let's just say I have had a few close calls and one almost-nearly-permanent head trauma incident when I wanted a mere nap. Was that too much to ask for? Apparently it was...

2. No magic allowed
 Puppies, babies, rainbows, crock pots, toaster ovens, hedgehogs, babies, boys, power tools, and electromagnets...what do they all have in common? Well, they're all a small piece of magic that brings happiness to girls everywhere, AND they're not allowed in my college dorm. I mean, I could maybe understand the rainbows and the boys...but toaster ovens?! Really? Way to be lame school, way to be lame.

3. The walls have ears
So you know how walls are supposed to keep sound out (at least to a small degree)...yeah, these walls don't do that. Especially the bathroom walls. While, at least at college, we're all adults (ok, let's just pretend that this statement applies to all of us) about bathroom things, since when is it a smart idea to blast rap music in the bathroom at 8am? Or even to have shouting matches with your "honey boo thing"
in the bathroom no matter what hour? Let's just say, what happens in your room/bathroom/suite mates room isn't as private as you might think it is. A little tact would be nice...

4. The AC is alive

So you put your air conditioner on one temperature and then you come back a few hours later...and it's different!! Whoa! Yeah, I think it gets its kicks out of cooling down to a reasonable temperature and then dropping down to ice age levels when you least expect. By the end of the semester...I might just have frostbite.

5. Suite mates can bite
So because you can only sign up with people who are living with you in your room, you have no control over who gets to share your bathroom with you. This can sometimes manifest itself as a pleasant surprise and other times...let's just say it rhymes with durst white-hair (please tell me you got that..."worst nightmare"). You either get a good one or a scary one...kind of like the lottery. Too bad I'm not one to gamble.

6. A meeting of minds
So if you live on campus, every hallway has it's resident "baby sitter". No, the school does not refer to them as such...I think the practical term is RA (really awesome, regular aardvarks, rusty artists...). Anyway, they have these snazzy meetings once a month to tell us things that we already know (it's quite redundant really) and make sure we're not dead. Overall, it's one aggravation that I'd rather not deal with. Not to say that RAs are horrible...it's just like having a pet turtle, kind of stinks and is altogether pointless.

Now these are only some of the negative aspects of living in the dorms. Honestly, it's not horrible. Is it more expensive than living off campus? Yes. Does it come with it's limitations? Of course. But overall, you're closer to your classes, you don't have to spend gas getting to class, and you're closer to your friends. So yes, that's living in the dorms (warts and all). If you ever get the hankering to come and visit the inmates at my school...students. Whatever. Anyway, if you ever want to see what it's really like to live like a hermit on these murky shores. Give me a call. As crazy as it can be, it's usually sorta-kinda not too much overrated. 

Shifting Gears

If the act of living one's life was compared to driving a car (you can decide whether it looks more like a Mercedes or a jalopy...just don't get carried away) then you could say that this truck has spent most of her life in third gear. In other (more fleshly) terms, you might argue that I've spent much of my soon-to-be 20 years on earth as a "third wheel". This is not a bad thing in the slightest. While it may be awkward at times, I now see this as a gift. However, throughout the various chapters of my third-wheeled life, I did not always appreciate being the "odd-woman out". Let's have a quick look-see at what exactly this means and maybe you too shall gain a new understanding on what it means to be single.

Stage 1 - Ignorance
"Go out with you guys? Sure. Why not? Sounds like fun. I'm there. Give me 30 minutes." (And hence my childish though process) I didn't always know what I was, concerning being the "third-wheel". Oftentimes I was just excited to be included for outings and events and didn't question why I was invited...yeah. I was a bit slow as a child (insert joke questioning this past tense reference or my current definition of myself as not being a child...yup, real original). As I got older however, I quickly outgrew the blissful ignorance from which this stage is so aptly named.

Stage 2 -Despair
"What?! A third wheel?? Since when?? That long ago!? Oh man, I'm going to die alone!!"  (And hence my thought process went something like that after I came to the realization...every single time I was invited out with a group of at least 1 couple or more)

Stage 3 - Rebellion
"Me go out with you guys? Nah, I'm just gonna stay here. Thanks guys, maybe next time. I'm not really in the mood to go out right now. How many people are going? Just you two? Maybe next time." (And hence my new thought process...I might die alone, but I'm not going to let couples feel sorry for me or use me as the "safety net" in their outings. Just leave room for Jesus why don't 'ya?)

Stage 4 - Acceptance
Well, I kind of like you two young'ns, and I don't mind going to see a movie. I suppose I can endure the constant bombardment on my senses to see you two cuddling for 2 hours...but no pet names. There's a couple of other third-wheels going? I can definitely go." (And hence the slightly kinder, but still enlightened, thought process)

Stage 5 - Rockin' It
"I should start a Bible study for other third wheels. Yes, single power! Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday too, except I don't have to buy processed love tokens for my "special someone"...I get to have a couple-free day! Just run along now to your fancy dinner...I've got  my two men, Ben and Jerry, to keep me company." (And hence my realization that I can rock being one of the few drivers still in third gear)

Now, I'm not knockin' on you fellow drivers cruising along with that special someone in the passenger's seat. If that's how you roll, then by all means, roll right on by. Don't mind me. I'm may be truckin' along at a slightly slower speed, but I'm still moving. I've driven past so many accidents and collisions that it's hard to keep them all straight as they break apart and find a new passenger to contend with. My advice/words of wisdom today concerning this occurrence would be to not "rush into a road trip". (Yes, I'm still describing relationships in car-metaphor...try to keep up)

I have had so many awkward trips where it was me and X number of couples. Not saying I didn't have a good time, but giving your third wheel a heads-up as to the possibility that they will be cruising alone on the outing is not a bad idea. As much as you and your "beloved" may wish to promise that your single friend won't feel left out...yeah, let's just not promise that. Who knows, one day I might just bump into another truck/car/hopefully it moves with 4 wheels heading in the same direction as me, and I might decide to ride shotgun for awhile. Until that day comes though I'm going to sit down, find some rockin' tunes, grab the wheel, and just enjoy the ride...which isn't overrated as far as I'm concerned.

Animal Realism

Today, I was picking up dog feces/crap/poop/excrement in my backyard (yes, it's not the most glamorous job...I am fully aware of that). So, to escape from the joys that are dog poop, I let my mind wander (a dangerous pastime...movie quote anyone?) and dwell upon the phrase "to be a fly on the wall". I suppose I now see the irony of thinking of flies while dealing with poop, but at the time such ironies escaped me. Anyway, flies. I begin to think of instances in which I would enjoy being a fly on the wall and found that most of them would never work. Why? So glad you asked.

As a relatively outspoken individual (and a female), there is no way that I could just stand back and watch if something exciting is taking place in the same room. I would buzz, annoy, dive-bomb, and be overall as distracting as I could be. That being said, why do we use animals so frequently to describe situations? Most of they time those metaphors don't accurately portray the situation. So, in the spirit of fun (and realism), let's ruin some other animal affiliated metaphors, shall we?

1. Who let the cat out of the bag?
I'm not sure why the answer to this question is necessarily a "bad thing". Animal lovers everywhere (and PETA...people eating tasty animals) would be ecstatic if someone let a cat out of a bag. So metaphorically speaking, if I ruin a surprise or spill a secret, shouldn't PETA be happy with me? I may lose my friends, but I get new animal obsessed ones...a win-win?

2. The elephant in the room
I am inclined to view this metaphor as more of a fat joke and less of an actual metaphor. If that is the case, everyone knows that "friendly elephant in the room"...moving on.

3. Eats like a bird
People have used this metaphor/simile wrong for ever. Birds consume so much stinkin' food (not literally "stinking", this is just to emphasize how the vast quantity of food they actually eat) every day. Most birds actually eat up to half of their body weight every day. So next time you see that skinny girl you want to hate on (but secretly want to look like), say that you wish she ate like a bird...cause using metaphors wrong is just stupid.

4. Swims like a fish
Fish can swim. Humans can walk. Cars break down...that's not the point. Swimming like a fish and not actually being a fish is indeed impressive, but is it accurate? Does your Michael Phelps-wanna-be friend on the swim team actually have gills? Well, can he breathe underwater? Until some things (like his anatomical structure) start changing, best be keeping your incorrect opinions to yourself. Let the fish do what they do best...judge your friend for swimming like a human.

5. Dead dog tired
This one just seems a kind of mean. You are actually as physically exhausted as your deceased canine? Scruffy? Trixy? Mr. Cuddles? Now you're just bringing up painful memories...

Have I proven my point yet? Need I go on? Trust me...I could. I am in no way hating on metaphors. I, personally, love metaphors and similes. In fact, I don't think we (as people, humans, and especially Americans) use them enough in everyday language. However, I encourage you to consider exactly what the metaphors you use are actually implying. It would be terribly rude to imagine yourself as a fly and, realistically, not be able to keep your thoughts inside your tiny fly head...thus resulting in you (as a fly) appearing to be having a seizure without any little fly medics around to save you. Appearing to suffer an inexplicably horrible fly death just doesn't seem worth the cost of using one little animal metaphor, so pay attention. "Great metaphors come with great responsibility". Try keeping that in mind while you regurgitate nifty metaphors for your friends' amusement. While not the enemy, abusing animal metaphors at any time can quickly become painful and unsurprisingly overrated.

Camp Etiquette

Summer is at full swing (and I'm not talking about that "fat kid about to break the swing set" kind of swinging...it's more of the "7 year old boy screaming like a Peregrine Falcon at the top of his lungs as soon as his swing reaches the full apex of it's ascent" kind of swinging). That being said, summer is supposed to be enjoyed. Enjoying summer looks different to everyone, but basically to me (and I'm sure millions of kids, parents, and poor college students out there) summer means camp. Kids see camp as a fun getaway and an opportunity to escape parental constraints while getting as much sugar and as little sleep as possible. Parents...let's just call a week of camp for them a "mini-vacation" of sorts. Poor college students (or just teenagers in general) see camp as a place to get away from their parents, earn a bit of money, and put school worries on-hold for a few months. Basically, it doesn't matter who you are...camp is just amazing. End of story.

That being said, working at a camp changes the way you see life. From personal I-work-at-camp-and-have-no-social-life-during-the-summer-but-love-my-job type of experience, I think some of the biggest changes I see in myself (and the other staff) throughout the summer are a result of what I like to refer to as "withdrawal from the real world". While it sounds a bit odd, let me explain it to you in simpler terms (cause of course not everyone has worked at a summer camp).

1. Personality is intensified
 Compared to the rest of the world, camp is a relatively safe environment that offers protection from bullying, judgement, and pop culture (don't tell me it's never overwhelmed you before...). Once you have a group of (roughly 30) adolescents put in charge of children week in and week out, certain personality traits begin to emerge. Once many of these quirks and personalities crawl out of an individual...good luck getting them to go back from whence they came from. They're out to stay (at least for the duration of the summer). Such traits could range from goofy tendencies, zebra-inspired fits of laughter, obsessions with pyrotechnics, or even yelling out catch phrases at random hours of the day (for example, "Kool-Aid"). Yes traits and quirks are what make a person unique...but sometimes a person's personality screams at a "4" and camp cranks them up to an "8". Just like a box of chocolates Forest, you never know what you're going to get.

2. Lapse in hygiene
You've been at camp for 3 weeks now, and as the summer wears on your deodorant wears off (that is, if you're even still wearing any at this point). Ok, I know this sounds gross, but think about it. Depending on your job (counselor, cook, or handyman), you have a varied level of hygiene that you must maintain to keep your job. Those who work in the kitchen must stay clean and sanitized throughout the week (at least while on duty) or they will find themselves jobless and locked away in DHEC jail (don't know what that stands for...good. It ruins lives).

Maintenance has it easy. If you're a sweaty guy who works with other sweaty guys all day in the hot sun then I doubt you have much obligatory upkeep on personal smell and appearance. Counselors also have it pretty great. Aside from the initial day the kids are dumped, I mean delivered, to camp and rescued...retrieved, the parent's don't see/smell them. By the end of the week, most of the kids smell like BO and pee (at least the younger ones), so what better excuse to slack on hygiene? If your stench becomes unbearable, just blame it on one of your questionable looking kids. Let's just say by the end of if all, if I'm still taking 3 showers a week and brushing my teeth every night...it's been a good summer.

3. Walmart is the new Ritz
Ok, aside from all you Rednecks out there who really do think that Walmart is high class, this one sounds a bit odd. I know that Walmart can be a pretty fun place to play hide-and-go-seek, and you can usually find some pretty niffty things that you are convinced by the end of your trip that you desperately need...but it's no theme park. Well, after spending a month at camp, Walmart isn't just an adventure...it's an opportunity to escape and reemerge back into the "real world". Sure, you get dressed-up (shower, shave, jeans, clean shirt, and remove your life-guarding whistle), find some non-campy hot food to ingest, and then hit up the local Walmart. Hope you're ready for a wild night on the town, I hear they have a sale on kitchen-ware tonight.

4. Grade school humor
This one isn't too surprising. After spending 7-days-a-week hanging out with kids ranging from 6-13 (for the most part), you begin to think like them. This means that words like "poop" not only reemerge, but you also begin to think of "canoe duty" as "canoe doody"...at least that's how your mind spells it. So yes, you giggle at almost anything and your inner child rejoices daily.
 
5. Trying new things
This isn't a normal/boring sounding reference to tasting new foods. Instead, this means doing things you never thought you would ever imagine yourself considering doing because of normal humiliation concerns, let alone allowing others to watch you humiliate yourself. Such things might include getting a whip cream pie in the face, acting out a "roller coaster" while the crowd of giggling children and staff before you has been told that you are demonstrating the "proper way" to use a toilet, wearing ridiculous costumes, singing "Twinkle, Twinkle" solos, interpretive dancing with a crock-pot, rubbing your coworkers stomach whilst singing "Nummy, Nummy, Nummy", or arguing with your Spanish friend who likes turtles the most. And to think, this is only a handful of weekly occurrences...oh dear. Well, camp certainly isn't for the faint-hearted.

Aside from these (probably mildly disturbing) glimpses into camp oddities and the culture of it all, I would honestly say that I can't imagine what my life would have been like without these last 10 years of being apart of camp (from camper to staffer). I have met some of my best friends, expressed myself as only one can so freely at camp, grown deeper in love with Christ, been challenged in my Christian walk, and learned some crazy life skills (like how to wash a pooped-in sleeping bag and how to cook amazing food for hundreds of people in once sitting). I absolutely adore my camp (let's just refer to it as "Bethel Christian Camp") and the staff/campers you can find there on any day of the week ending in "day", such magical creatures revealing and thriving in their natural habitats. So, as usual, I'm wrapping this up by declaring that camps such as Bethel (and the things you experience there) are not in the greatest stretch of the imagination (nor ever will they be) considered overrated.

For Whom the Dog Barks

5 am. Really? At 5 am?! What, you may ask, did assault thine own ear orifices at this wee hour in the morn? Well, if you actually read the title...yup. My two "faithful" companions. Oh sure, I'm used to them barking at all hours of the day, but the night? That's sacred, reserved for sleeping and the resting of the eyelids, brain, and ears. Two dogs barking, correction...did I say barking? I meant howling. It was a long and piteous chorus of wailing, two howls engaging in a duet for the world to hear (or at least me, don't know where my parents were during this lovely canine symphony).

I have a beagle and a miniature poodle, and yes, even the poodle was howling. I think the beagle taught her when we weren't paying attention or she borrowed some self-help tapes from the library. Anyway, it's not important that they were howling (I mean...it is, but that aspect was more intriguing at 5 am this morning). Instead, let's examine exactly why these two fluffy bundles of chaos decided to open their faces so early in the morning. (No, I'm not upset, but it would be nice to have some information that puts them in a more favorable light as I do have to spend the next week babysitting them)

1. It was a full moon
Ok, so I'm not implying that they're werewolves, but lunar events have been known to make people and animals behave in strange ways. Some studies have shown that pets engage in more risky behavior, and owners make more vet visits for said risky pets during lunar cycles. Last night wasn't a full moon, but they're inside. They might not have known that.

2. Alerting us to intruders
The basic function of dogs, to protect house and family. My dogs have never been much of attack dogs (unless drowning someone in "kisses" and doggie saliva counts), but they have both been very good at barking at sounds they hear. They wouldn't actually do anything about the noises they bark out, especially if they see something or someone to whom those noises belong to, but there is a first thing for everything. Last night was dark, maybe their nightly defense is howling manically at the top of their little doggie lungs.

3. Bad dreams
People dream; dogs dream. So people = dogs...well, not exactly. But dogs have been known to dream. I don't know what goes on during these dreams, but if you own a dog, have you ever looked over at little Fluffy Nutterkins or Sparky Oswald and seen his/her legs jerking coupled with crazy lip twitching? (No, in case you were wondering...I did not use my own pet names in that example. It's Basil and Mustard, if you must know) Maybe they were having a synonymous nightmare, both trapped in some creation of their minds (a food shortage, no yard time, isolation...eerily similar to prison problems). I have heard Mustard (the beagle) bark in her sleep before. If they were both having the same nightmare (let's assume they were) then if they both started howling, this slightly unrealistic reasoning could be possible. Possible...not probable.

4. Really have to pee
 We take them outside before we put them in their bed for the night so they can do their business (here, bed is just a nice way of saying their cage or kennel...which is big enough for the both of them to sleep comfortably). When I get up in the morning, usually whenever they start barking (let's say 9ish, they've been extremely slack lately), I take them outside and just chill with them in the house until they have to relieve themselves or it's their meal time. Lets say I choose not to let them out as soon as they start barking; it get's worse. Their barking will eventually turn into some long, drawn-out, pathetic howls as they vie desperately for my attention. I don't make them suffer for fun; sometimes I'm just out of it in the morning. But maybe this is something they do everyday in the wee hours of the morning. I try to make it a habit not to be awake at 5 am, so maybe this is a routine thing I just don't know about.

5. Victory howl
"It was a crazy night, both of us asleep in our holding cell. All of a sudden Basil has an epileptic fit and goes into cardiac arrest. I've never had any lifesaving skills training! Instead, in my quick thinking, I repeatedly pounced on (what I think might have been) her heart. She stopped twitching and slowly opened her snout and coughed up part of a chew toy I didn't know we owned. She stood up, shook out her fur, and gave me a grin of gratitude. Because our cheap owners wouldn't spring for an alarm clock, we didn't know it was so stinkin' early in the morning and let out victory howls (I mean, she was ok...isn't that worth celebrating?)" Obviously, this is what was running through Mustard's head last night. If I was a dog, I would hope that something epic would happen at 5am...so this is the one I think I'm going to agree with.

So I didn't write this just to complain (even though I found it quite pleasant to share my small discomfort with you). I guess I just don't understand dogs. They can be cute, loyal, crazy, annoying, loving, and (insert your own adjective here), but not so easy to deal with all the time. It's for this very reason that, one day in the near future, I'm going to purchase one of the best pets ever! Our life together will be fantastic and not overrated at all...mainly because hedgehogs don't wake you up at 5 am by howling. Descented skunks are pretty snazzy too. Who knows? As long as it doesn't howl...

The Creepy Crawlies

It staggered across my carpet, possibly with a limp. Was it injured? Maybe. However, disabled or not, I had no mercy. It had caught me off guard. I staggered off my bed and threw out my arm, entrapping my water bottle, clenching it tightly in my right hand. With a steeled resolve, I steadied my arm and plunged the bottom of my water vessel downwards upon my foe. Lifting my makeshift weapon, I carefully peeled it off of the carpet and carried it to the bathroom. Lifting my bottle to the faucet, I grinned in triumph as my opponent, who was plastered to the bottom of said water bottle, was jettisoned down the drain in a torrent of rushing water. Epic battle? No. But that cockroach certainly didn't get the best of me this time.

What exactly is it about bugs, insects, spiders, roaches, creepy crawlies, and every other small creature that is advertised on Raid bottles that freaks us out a little? You don't have to have a phobia of spiders or cockroaches to not like them, in fact, most people don't. Your disdain of bugs doesn't make you an exception. Instead, you are like the millions of humans who own at least one can of bug killer...you knowingly possess a (weak to strong) aversion to insects. I mean, it depends on the type of insect. Butterflies probably don't bug you as much as a palmetto bug or a wolf spider, but that's not the point.

The point is, why don't we favor insects? From what I hear, they can be quite beneficial to the ecosystem. Ok, maybe not your personal ecosystem. A ton of roaches running all over your bedroom won't give you warm fuzzies or any encouraging thoughts about how they are supposedly awesome for our planet (are they? goodness knows I just makes this stuff up...). So, let's look at this from a slightly analytical point of view. Why don't we like bugs?

1. Hairy
So who likes looking at an object completely covered in hair?  Aside from puppies, kittens, chipmunks, otters, Bambi, Pooh, and other cute woodland creatures, it's quite difficult to find a cute animal covered in hair/fur. Even relatives with too much facial and body hair can be repulsive and creepy, so why not bugs? When that granddaddy longlegs starts to resemble Uncle Steve, I'd be a bit wary of it too (the spider and the unlce).

2. Tiny
Ok, many people are scared of tiny things: thimbles, feathers, rain drops, blades of grass, and mushrooms. So what if cockroaches are tiny? So are millipedes, spiders, mosquito, and every other greatly feared insect out there...oh, wait.

3. Lots of eyes...
You know those "nerds" who were made fun of in gradeschool for having "four eyes"? (Hopefully you weren't one of these nerds, but if you were, you have my sincere apologies. I never liked those boring children with only two eyes...) Well, this rule of thumb explains why such torment happened to bespectacled children everywhere. When children/adults/people encounter something that is different and/or able to see better then they can, it makes us jealous. When jealous, we tend to lash out with words, physical acts of violence, and cans of bug spray. Hope this enlightens you a bit.

4. Ugly
Do I really need to explain this one? Nobody likes a bug with a case of the uglies, and in most cases this would apply to every bug (except butterflies and ladybugs, you know, the girly bugs. Guy bugs deserve to die). Moving on...

5. Hard to kill
So let's say that you have a nightmare about a hairy, bespectacled man who is chasing you around. No matter what you throw, shoot, spray towards/on this guy, he refuses to die. Wouldn't you be a bit scared of him? Have you tried to kill a roach lately? Do you understand why they might be a little intimidating to behold and deal with?!

6. Antisocial
In psychology class this semester we learned about how people with antisocial personality behavior disorders are those individuals commonly referred to as "sociopaths". When you approach a bug, if you dare, 9 out of 10 times they run for the hills. Not very social, are they? Well, if antisocial people become tomorrow's serial killers, what about those antisocial insects out there? What are they gonna do? Not a very bright and cheerful future for them, huh?

All of this analyzing and surmising is not to prove that I am afraid of bugs, insects, and all things small and hairy. I approached that roach tonight with malice in my heart and the flaming fire of justice burning brightly in my eyes. Needless to say, I was victorious in my insect encounter despite all of the odds against me (aka reasons 1-6 explaining logical reasons on why any rational individual has a right to be wary and a tiny bit terrified of the traditional insect that crosses their path at one in the morning).

However, this does not explain phobias and those crazy irrational fears of spiders and roaches. If you are one of those individuals who believes that roaches are out to take over the world or that spiders are lurking around every corner waiting to jump on you and bite your nose...yeah, this post is not for you. All I am saying in this situation is that those of you who keep one eye peeled for the next opportunity that allows you to bring one more insect to a swift and just end (aka, slow and painful death that often involves a bug drowning in Raid), you guys and gals are not overrated in the slightest. Keep on killing those bugs, and don't feel foolish in your endeavors. With great amounts of bug killer comes great amounts of bug corpses.

In Enemy Territory

Guys will never understand girls, and girls will never...wait, I can't finish that. Kidding...totally kidding. Aside from being created in the image of God, the male and female species (yes, I would consider us that different at times) operate on completely different levels. But, I don't need to explain that to you, infants are born knowing that. So aside from the obvious differences (this is not anatomy class...quick recap) females think, act, and respond to life in a way that is unique to their gender alone. Because I do not actually have experience from a male's mindset (a 50 year-old black characterization in a play one time doesn't really count), I have decided that I would grant all you males out there with a golden opportunity; a small and terrifying glance into the mind and behavior of women everywhere. Hopefully this will illuminate some confusing things and answer some questions about why we are the way we are. However, if you are one of those self-proclaimed "enlightened" males out there who understand women better than they understand themselves, pretend for the duration of this post that you are like every other clueless guy out there. Sit back, and enjoy the ride (please fasten your seat belts and return food tables to their upright positions; worst case scenario...air sickness bags are located under your seat).

1. Hormonal is our middle name
See, I'm starting with the basics. Call it emotions, hormones, pms, a bad day, whatever...the point here is that we can mood swing like it's no one's business. Obvious, I know, but I'm just calling it how it is. This is a fact to about 99.34% of females out there at one point in their lives, so isn't it just a relief that I'm starting by openly declaring that females can be emotional wrecks at times? Contrary to popular belief, this is harder than it looks and (at times) takes some serious talent to pull off. But hey, we always have a reason to change our mood at the drop of a hat. Maybe our cat died. Maybe we got no sleep because we were trying to finish that last project before finals. Maybe that music professor took the last strawberry from the fruit line...you never know. You think we can be scary? Just wait till pregnancy hits...(and it will....like a semi doing 80 coming off of an exit ramp).

2. Independent when the situation demands
Don't get me wrong, chivalry is a very good thing. While in our society it's on life support, it's good to know that it's still alive. I appreciate guys stepping up as much as the next girl, but if I get to the door first...am I supposed to just give it up without a fight? Basically, while most females enjoy being taken care of, we can be resilient and independent. We can drive (ok...I'm working on that one, don't judge me), work, study, lift heavy things...the whole nine yards. Again, I'm not bashing you chivalrous males out there, this is just a reminder that as females, we can do things for ourselves and like to prove it at times...usually when it's most inconvenient to you.

3. When angry, communication takes a hike
I think every male out there knows this one. When burning with the fiery rage of a thousand suns, we do not like to discuss why we are mad at you. Obviously, if we know why we are upset, you should know what you did to make us that way. Personally, I have problems communicating on a regular basis anyway (like many females out there, which is why we "drop hints" like it's nobody's business), so just take this weak skill and divide it by the language capacity of a 4 year old. Yup, that's us when we are mad. (I mean simplified of course, I'd hate for any person out there to think that females are actually capable of throwing tantrums when we are angry...).

4. We over-analyze...everything.
Duh. Many of our problems, "stressors", worries, aggravations, and much more can be traced back to this womanly trait. You think it's a pain? Well, we don't care for it too much either. It may come as a surprise, but it's not very enjoyable to spend unnecessary time and effort recalling and analyzing every little thing that our friends, sisters, brothers, parents, crushes, boyfriends, roommates, ect. said that we can find a double meaning in (and trust me, we can and we will find hidden meanings in everything). If it can be thought, spoken, or physically acted out...it can be over-anaylzed.  

5. Romantics at heart
This sounds simple, but it's a little more complex than you may think. Yes, many girls are romantics but not always classified as "contemporary romantics" (chick flicks, romance novels, and candy on Valentine's Day). What makes one girl swoon may make another roll her eyes and laugh at you, not with you (yes, despite what your parents may have told you...there is a difference). Here, the best advice I can give is to figure out what makes us tick, so to speak. Is it flowers, poems, stuffed taxidermy, time, money, pick-up lines, or compliments? Well, I guess that's for each girl to know and for you to find out. Sounds like someone has homework to do...

6. Tougher than we look
This point is to debunk some of those myths classically associated with our gender. Not every girl is afraid of bugs, spiders, snakes, airplane food, mismatched clothes, homeless vagrants, science, and mud. Sure, there are various members of my gender who fit into those categories (and ladies, if you do...no shame, in fact, more power to ya'), but let's not approach the female species as if every female has a life-related phobia. Some girls are scared of everything while others are fearless. We're like pillow-pets, found in similar shapes and molds, but ultimately destined to be treated differently by children everywhere. Wait...

*insert point to all of this madness*...oh wait, there really wasn't one. Instead of pulling out some sort of moral or analogy on how we're all created different and beautifully, I think I'll just point out that guys will never actually figure us out. Sorry guys. While these 6 points might help or educate you to an extent (a very shallow extent, but an extent non-the-less...hey, a kiddie-pool is still considered a pool), the female mind is a bit more complex than this. Of course, that road goes both ways. We may think that we know what guys think, feel, like, ect...but we're usually just as clueless as you are. However, females will always believe that we possess special knowledge into the male mind. So guys, if you want to get on our good sides, just let us keep deluding ourselves. When we inform you that we understand your gender, just nod your heads and smile. Positive reinforcement, especially to females, is very "in" this year and won't be overrated...at least not anytime soon.

My Hairy Children

So let's say you started reading this post because of the title. I can't blame you for being curious/a little disgusted by the idea that I have children. Yup. Kids are scary. If I really did have children, let alone hairy ones, I don't know what I would do with them. If they were overflowing with body hair in an extreme, and probably grotesquely impressive fashion, I suppose they could come in handy. This is not to say that I want Chewbacca-children...but you're supposed to love your kids no matter what, right? I mean, depending on the number of children, coloration of the fur...I mean hair, blood type of said "child", and type of hair (be them shaggy or silky) I would figure out something constructive to do with them. With a large amount of child hair, the innovations I could create would be pretty wondrous and amazing (and perhaps a tiny bit disturbing). Let's find out, shall we?

1. Blankets for the homeless
I have nothing against volunteering and donating to the needy, so why not get my kids involved? With their abundance of flowing locks and the amount of geriatric talent in nursing homes these days, I'm sure something could be done for such communities as the homeless and less fortunate. I'm sure there are some champion knitters and loom weavers tired of resting in their resting homes, itching to take up their needles again and fight the battle against stiff fingers and inflamed pelvis' (not sure why I added "pelvis'" but I'm sure they inflame too...). So, after my kids are shaved for the week, I can drive some of their pristine hair to the Bingo clubs and retirement homes for the old ones to go to town with. The sweaters, blankets, parkas, afghans, and turtle-necks produced from such weaving can all go to charity. Helping others, one haircut at a time...what a life.

2. Inspirational speaking
While my kids are young and have no idea what English and intelligible speech is, I can help others by using them as props at parenting and self-help seminars. Trying to quit smoking? What if I brought my 3 fuzzy children and declared that I smoked while I was pregnant with them, resulting in excessive and irreversible hair growth...would you be scared enough to quit? Or, say your kids don't wanna eat their veggies? What if your 2 ten-year olds met my kids, who supposedly never as much as a single carrot in their live, resulting in their uncontrollable transformation into baby werewolves? Think your kids might start wolfing down their vegetables? I'm 'lycan the sound of that...(sorry, bad werewolf joke).

3. Organic clothing
I'm all about saving money and doing the "environmentally friendly" thing, so why now do both? I call it organic clothing. Hairy kids need haircuts and clothes (cause the only thing more disturbing than hairy children is naked hairy children), so let's combine the two. After I, or that lovely person I hire, trims my children for their weekly haircut, I can collect said hair and make clothes. I'm no seamstress, but I'm sure I could pull something together...or I can contact some 4-H girls who live nearby and want to earn a badge or award (whatever those kids earn these days for practicing womanly skills and such housewifery) in sewing. My kids may not need extensions with all that fluff they're covered in, but they're gonna have some fabulous weaves.

4. Cosmetology dummies
The term "dummies" here is not to insult the intelligence of my children/future children/future fuzzy children. I suppose I could use a less condoning term such as "model" or "assistant"...but I am immature and I like the word dummy. I could rent out my children to local cosmetology schools for them to expand and sharpen their hair styling techniques, and my children would be returned to me (ideally) with slightly more manageable hair. Yes, they would still be walking stuff animals, but with all of that hair, why let it go to waste?  

5. Human mops
So as a mom, hypothetically of course, I'm going to need to keep house and maintain a clean living environment. Obviously my kids are going to assist me in household chores (that's what kids are for, like Santa's elves without the pointy ears and cherry dispositions). So, because they're covered in so much hair and they have to bathe eventually...why not combine two tasks? They can run, roll, tumble, be dragged through my house covered in suds...like natural human mops. Eventually they'll dry and so will my floors. It's a win-win. And, when dry, they can also double as dusters. As children (rambunctious and flexible) they should be able to reach those small dusty spots in my house that I miss when manually dusting the old-fashion way. 

6. Practical jokes
A bit selfish of me? Absolutely. But think about it. Wouldn't it be funny when some teenage hooligans are camping out in the woods with their friends for the weekend and then a couple of hairy children (resembling Big Foot or some another freakishly hairy person) run screaming through their campsite?  The chaos and bladder-failure that would ensue as a result would no doubt be worth the 30ish minute drive out there...not to mention the potential haunted houses and overall "prankage" potential for co-workers and annoying family members such camping scares could inspire. 

Would you believe that the title of this post was inspired by the two hairy children I spend my days babysitting? Well, maybe children is the wrong term here, but my beagle and poodle certainly act like little fuzzy kids sometimes. Two crazy, loud, fuzzy children...a barrel-full of laughs, let me tell you. I know that some of the ideas I suggest (if I did have a few fur-encrusted kids to call my own) seem a bit harsh. However, I sincerely deny any realistic aspect of this post in general. So don't overreact, cause that's just overrated. I mean, c'mon...we both know that I'm not having kids.

The Friend Ship

What exactly does a "friend" look like? Most people have their own definition of what makes a true friend and know what they are looking for when they are in the market to purchase/make/discover/create a new one. Oh, I'm sure many of the "friend" traits include virtues like honesty, trustworthiness, kindness, and any other happy-fuzzy-warm-feeling attribute that could also be used to describe a faithful Labrador, but is that all there is to it?

As the saying goes, a friend will bail you out of jail while a best friend will be sitting beside you in the cell saying, "man, that was fun". (Note: to better relate to this analogy, feel free to substitute another more realistic, personalized response for "man, that was fun.") Yes, this hypothetical cellmate (assuming you were already acquainted...) demonstrates loyalty and a sense of devotion (true marks of friendship), but what about those other more tedious traits that might come in handy when interviewing for potential friend-candidates? Well, not to worry, I've got you covered. Simply read along and nod your head in agreement, because I'm about to make your friend search a whole lot easier. You're welcome.

1. A job holder (Responsible)
This is kind of a basic one in my book, and it serves two purpose. Having friends who are employed or have other financial means (legal...most of the time) of occasionally going out for dinner or a fun night on the town shows that they are willing to spend money to hang with you. In addition to allowing your friendship to grow (like a plant), marinate (like chicken), and mature (like a 13 year old boy), it also demonstrates a level of responsibility on your friends' parts to be able to maintain and manage their finances (ok, to an extent...).

2. A pee buddy at your wedding (Serving)
No, this is not just for females (I know what you were thinking guys) cause when your wedding day rolls around, who wouldn't want their best man/maid of honor to be willing to take their nervous-wreck-of-a-self to the little boys/girls room? At times, we all need help. As potentially awkward as a pee buddy might be at your wedding, aren't you glad they're willing to go that extra mile (or 2-ply tissue square) to help you in your time of need? (Seriously, have you seen how much lace and chiffon they use in wedding dresses these days?).

3. A partner in crime...literally (Determined)
While I am not advocating crime or violence, I merely am referring back to the first example (in case you forgot, it involved you in a cell). When the chips fall and you find yourself in need of a body bag, shovel, and 2 bottles of bleach...who are you gonna call? (If you said "Ghostbusters" I give you props, but you might wanna call someone who did not appear in a series of 80's films and questionable cartoons) A less severe question would be, when you have to do something that you'd rather not do (for example, when you're being mauled by a troop of starving girl scouts or Justin Bieber is singing you a solo), who would willingly volunteer to suffer with you? In such cases, these determined and loyal friends won't leave you hanging. Even if they have to drive 2-3 hours to your house, they'll be there for you (cue Friends theme song).

4. A spider/bug/pest killer (Fearless)
Traditionally this friend quality is found in the male species gender. Not to say you can't find yourself a female friend who would gladly squish that roach, spider, or cousin for you. It just might take some auditions and various levels of training. Even guys who are willing to come running when you release that girlish shriek as you encounter the king of all centipedes on your way to class should be considered champions. Way to be fearless friends. 

5. A booger picker (Loving)
Again, another odd sounding one, but nevertheless, a trait that you should look for in a friend. As gross as it sounds, a friend who is not only willing to inform you that you have a "bat in the cave" but offers their finger to fish it out is definitely a close friend. Hey, so what if it's gross? You don't have to take him/her up on their offer...but they deserves a raise (and some hand sanitizer to seal the deal). Many friends wouldn't even point out your nostril hitchhiker in public. As potentially embarrassing as this could be, I consider it an act of love from a brave (and quite frankly hardcore) friend. Don't judge me.
 
6. An old-timer (Wise)
Everyone should have at least 1-2 friends they consider old, whether they are days, months, years, or centuries older than you. Like the first point, this offers two benefits. First, and foremost: wisdom. Not to say that a friend who is only 3-5 years older than you knows everything, but he/she is most certain to have passed through stuff that you haven't yet. While they don't necessarily have the answers to everything (and might be torturing themselves with a horrible major...like computer science or floral management), as older friends, they are usually wise (to an extent) in one level of life-smarts or another. And secondly, my personal favorite benefit of having such friends is that you can affectionately refer to them as "grandpa" or "oldie-locks." sign them up fort geriatric magazine subscriptions, and remind them of their fading glory days when they're having those rare moments of spry and youthful energy (all in the name of friendship and love, of course).

While these are all fantastic traits (in my opinion) to have in a friend, you don't have to limit such characteristics to one friend in particular (even though that'd be awfully convenient). Spread the love. You know you have various friends that you love for different reasons and personality quirks. Not every friend is brave or would stick their finger, willingly, in your nostril to save you from public humiliation. And you know what, that's fine. The more diverse and oddly assorted your friends are, the better.

Too much of a good thing cannot remain good. If you have 3 friends willing to sit in jail with you but nobody responsible enough to bail you out, you're going to be sitting in that cell for awhile. Basically, enjoy your friends and be willing to look for traits outside your "Labrador list". You might surprise yourself with what other qualities you find that you were missing but never knew could exist in others. Surprises (and people in general) may be scary, but not taking chances in building relationships with others is seriously overrated.

My Life in Animation

Over this semester, a group of friends at my college (for simplicity's sake, let's call this group "No Shame"...a random totally-non-college affiliated name that sprung from the top of my head just now) found that we enjoyed watching animated movies together. Such movies include the traditional Disney film to the newer, cutting edge Pixar studio flick. What we decided, after a time, is that any movie is more enjoyable if you spend the duration of the film with a character that is "you". I'm not gonna lie, I found this quite fun (and I still do), but I have realized several things from this "animated labeling". For educational purposes, I figured that I should share this with the world (aka...the 20ish people or so who take time from their busy summer days filled with work, chores, and overall laziness to read this blog...hey, no shame friends).

1. My friends are predictable
No Shame (that randomly named group of college pals) is encompassed with a variety of personalities, oddities, and quirks that make this group stand out from the other cliche and boring social circles found on campus. Yes, we are an army of awesome. Literally...an army (on a good day, there's like 27 of us). Anyway, these random crazy people, whom I love, are from all walks of life and make our group extremely diverse. However, that's not the point.

 Even in their loud and shameless personalities, they are quite predictable. In movies, we can usually find characters that describe a major quirk that makes each of us...well, us. We have the dramatic theatre guru (usually speaking a monologue and sporting a British accent), the romantic couple (usually mature characters who are obviously gonna get together), a few comedic-relief characters (often because of ill-timing, but guaranteed to make the audience/5 year-olds everywhere wet their pants in glee), and a villain (not gonna lie...again, but this usually has to do with mannerisms and overall appearance). While this is the simplified way in which we cast roles, we also take into account the dynamic of certain friends, bone-structure, blood type, the weather in Fiji, and whether one's socks are white or chartreuse on that particular day. Yes, it's a science.

2. Movies are formulaic
If No Shame is predictable, and yet most of us are the same-ish characters in all of these movie...what does that say about children's films these days? Just saying, I feel like these animated miracles, while wonderful to watch, have children/college student attention spans down to a science. A little comedic relief, a villain, the romantic protagonist couple fated to be together, some random extras, and some mildly funny secondary characters that further the plot along with their occasional 1-sentenced lines. But hey, we don't discriminate, and we watch each movie with that wide-eyed sense of wonder found predominately in 6-8 year-olds...ok, maybe not. But we always have a good time at movie nights.

3. I'm stupid/sometimes a dude
This is more of a personal revelation of mine. In EVERY movie we watch I am comedic relief, or to put it more plainly...I'm that stupid character that you remember because while you were laughing with the other characters, you were laughing at mine. Hey, I'm not ashamed of this. I'm just as predictable as the rest of my friends, which I take to mean that I know them almost as well as myself. So far, I have been expertly cast as a Mexican Chihuahua (kind of redundant putting both of those words there), a hyena that didn't understand the "golden rule" (if you had to ask what rule that is, you too probably can't follow it), an oafish midget (wonder what "LeFou" could possibly mean...), and a pig who's sole purpose is to hold your loose change. Hey, at least I was a chick once, even if that "chick" was Whoppi Goldberg (wait, does that even count?).

4. I take movies personally
After I've been cast in a movie, I often find myself focusing in on my character. While this is to be expected I suppose, I also start taking (usually) his actions personally. Of course I laugh, but it's a split between thinking, "I can't believe I just did that" and "I would do that". What can I say, I get caught-up in how realistic animated movies can be with their life-like toys, talking animals, and well-rehearsed musical selections. Cause what's more realistic than a group of animals breaking out in song? Obviously it's an animated group of talking animals incorporating their own dance number into to film to further the plot along. Duh. 

While I have been a bit cynical and sarcastic when watching these movies (I know, pretty out of character for me), I must admit that I absolutely love me some good animation. (If all you took away from that last sentence was my grammar, please note that I did that on purpose you Yankees) I love this group of friends that God has blessed me with this semester. The fact that we can all get together and hang out, doing college-aged appropriate activities like watching children's movies, speaks volumes to our crazy-awesome group dynamic. Where else can you find English (liars), Religion (saved), Nursing (loving), Graphic Design (artsy), Education (patient), History (brilliant), and Computer Science (why would you do that to yourself?) majors enjoying each others company? If you answered a cafeteria, classroom, duck pond, movie theater, Applebee's, beach, or foul-smelling lounge...then you are correct. Basically, (oh gosh, here comes the child-friendly message) hanging out with some wonderful people while enjoying some formulaic children's movies is nothing to scoff at. You scoffers are just jealous, and might I add, simply overrated.

Fat Kid-Free

When I was younger, I used to pray about my future husband (if he existed). I often wondered, "what would he look like" and "have I already met him"? I even prayed that God would show me without a shadow of a doubt who my husband would be when He dropped the guy in my lap. Of course, I was being metaphorical, but after a fat kid fell on me at a hayride...let's just say that prayer was quickly extinguished. Overall, I think that being single is quite a wonderful thing. For instance, if you were in a relationship, these things could become problematic...

1. Accepting chivalry
Yes, I appreciate chivalrous actions. No, I am not a feminist (if you thought that, just skip down to my second point). Let's just say that I appreciate doing things for myself by myself. I am independent...so sue me. Yes, if I ever get in a relationship I'll have to suck this up and deal with it (well, I suppose that depends on the guy), but for now, watch me open my own door and love every second of it.

2. Sexist jokes
One of my personal favorites, and something I do in my free time. Wanna hear a joke? Women's rights. I know, isn't this counter productive? Think about it, could I really be sexist against women? Sure feminists might hate me, but it's great that I'm not in a relationship because I feel like I might be seriously degrading my own gender...especially if that significant other agrees with me. I guess if I stay in the kitchen, where I'm supposed to be, then I wouldn't have to worry about it...

3. Sharing time
I struggle with having enough time for God, keeping up with my meager social life, balancing school work, and reminding my family I still exist. The last thing I need is an extra mouth to feed...oh wait, that's a different argument. Anyway, you get my point. I am not a circus performer, and I make a poor juggler.

4. Being a man-hater 

I am personally not a man-hater (at least not all the time), but I find these females quite hilarious and fun to be around. However, when you think about it, it might be a bit difficult to be in a relationship (with a guy...) when you harbor extreme loathing and distaste for his entire gender. Sure, a bit of aversion might be a problem, but how are you supposed to grow together if you have a hatred that could only be compared to a burning passion of a thousand suns.

5. Friend sharing
So you guys have the same friends, great. What happens if you break-up? Wouldn't it be awkward? Lines would be drawn, sides would be taken, and your former love-life could potentially become a shoot-out scene in one of those old western flicks your dad loves. So basically, unless you're 100% sure it could work...don't do it.

6. Bumming it up
Psh, dressing up is overrated. Comfy is lovely...but guys don't always agree with that statement, hence the problem. So on those days when you are just rocking the jammies, sloppy up-do, unwashed face, and mismatched socks...just be grateful that you can wear whatever your hobo-shaped heart desires without grossing out that potential someone. 

7. Movie nights
Have you ever seen the guy/girl you like (let' pretend like I'm keeping the genders paired up with their opposite...) eat popcorn in a movie theater? Enough said.

8. Dates
So he pays, you pay, you go Dutch, his choice, your choice, staying in...decisions, decisions. Honestly, being single takes an emotional and financial load off the old wallet (or debit card, whatever you kids are using these days). College is expensive enough without having to be chivalrous with your bank account. So on those days you feel the breath of debt and a zero-balanced bank account breathing down your neck, just be thankful (cough cough, fellas) that you don't have a girlfriend riding shotgun on this downward spiral. (A bit harsh? It's a harsh world)

While some of these items may appear a bit daunting (and pessimistic of me), overall, I don't have any problem with relationships. Have them. Enjoy them. Love them. But, make sure that you are fully committed to the sacrifices and complications that come with them. Be prepared to accept the good, the bad, and the ugly. Sorry, apparently this has turned a bit life-coachy...but hey, no shame right? For now, I will take my seat on this hayride with a fat kid-free lap. (Cause doctor's visits can be so overrated)

Gene Thief

Have you ever compared yourself to your sibling(s)? Most of us have, it's completely normal. Noticing differences is completely natural (ironically funny in twins, don't you think?). How exactly do we know that the person who came out of the womb before/after you is really your sister/brother? Sure, I suppose you could just blatantly have blind faith in your parents...but what fun is that? But, I digress. I have noticed enough similarities between my sister and I that put my mind at ease. However, as acceptable as this promise of relation...what is NOT acceptable is everything she has robbed me of by simply being born 17 months before me. Why did she get to have first dibs on all the good genes?

1. Artistic inclination
My sister is a an artistic genius. Ok, she's no Picasso, but she is crazy talented. Can I draw? Do stick people count?

2. Clear skin
She has flawless skin. A model-worthy complexion. She might get one pimple a month...while I wage war against a constant bombardment of adolescent facial blemishes. Ok, so I'm no pizza-face...but in comparison with my sister I might as well be.

3. Photogenic-ness
I avert pictures because I didn't get this gene. My sister is amazing in pictures. The camera loves one of us, and it's not my awkward self...enough said. 

4. Curves
Without going into too much detail...let's just say my sister is a beautiful woman. I'm stuck in the 'cute' stage. 

5. Short legs/long torso
While this sounds a bit odd to ask for, all I have to say is that I have to get super long pants. Her pants on me (normal length) are high waters on me.

6. People-person
My sister is a naturally friendly person. She can go in a crowd of strangers and befriend all of them. Ever since we were little. I was standing behind my dad, hugging his leg like a life preserver and she was out in front...showing love to the masses.

Ok...this being said. What did I wind up with in all of this gene madness? Well, I'm glad you asked...

1.Type 'A' personality
This keeps me organized, scheduled, and motivated to succeed. Whoo-hoo.

2. Humor?
I would like to think of myself as a slightly funny person. Even if no one laughs with me, I love laughing and try to share this joy with others. If only I had the 'people-person' gene...

3. Good hair
Ok, this one used to be just mine...but after my sister started brushing her hair when she was 10, this gene is no longer solely mine to hold.

4. Good grades
She also made the Dean's List this semester. Again...whoo-hoo.

5. Tall
So, I can reach the top shelf...somebody get me a medal. (Please tell me that sarcasm was not wasted...)
Did I mention that she's 5'10?

So, am I unsatisfied? No. I was just merely making a healthy comparison of my sister and I. At the end of the day, while I might occasionally look at her and wish I could snatch some of those genes back...I know they were never mine to begin with. God knew what He was doing when He made us (kinda hard to believe sometimes, I know). I love the genes and qualities that I have (even if I don't always celebrate them). I love my sister to death, and those differences make us interesting and unique. So in the face of diversity within your brotherly/sisterly gene pool, don't be ashamed of the traits you didn't get. You got stuff too. Own it. Work it. And just know, while it's easy to compare, it's never overrated to love and celebrate your own unique awesomeness. (Yeah yeah...this isn't a self-help book. I get it. I'm done, ok? Chill out.) Love you sis.

The Language of Cars

So, you're a poor college kid with no car. What to do? Well, legs are pretty snazzy tools for walking...so you decide to use yours to take you across the street. "Why across the street?", you ask. If you go to a small university, such as CSU, then you have a small selection of restaurants, gas stations, and clinics (including the rather large one labeled "Hospital"...the important one with the helipad) to visit simply by crossing a rather busy street/intersection/road/the thing with cars. We, as female college students, often experience odd cravings for such food as Wendy's, Zaxabys, Dunkin Donuts, Waffle House, or Brewsters at odd hours for odd reasons (we're females, we don't need real reasons).

Want food? No car? Problem solved: walk...that's what sidewalks are for (gotta show the pavement some love). So you walk: in droves, herds, groups, gaggles, bunches, duos, pairs, or even *gasp* alone. Unfortunately for 9 our of 10 females who choose to brave the "streets for the eats", cars often make it awkward when they do that weird 'honking thing'. What exactly is the point of honking at girls? Should females everywhere be offended or feel commended? Well, let's examine the language of vehicles  and consider what honking signifies for a bit, shall we?

1.The polite honk
It is a little known fact in car etiquette that when a car passes a pedestrian, the said driver of the vehicle should give a quick beep or so. This is purely a pleasantry (and that was an auspicious alliteration). This honk says, "Hi there quaint female pedestrian. I see you, you see me. Have a lovely day". Such honks are usually produced by 'well-bred' drivers. Drivers-ed taught them well.

2. The warning honk
While a bit frightening to think of, often times the world is not safe for a small group of female college students braving the streets. With all of the rapists, criminals, thieves, vandals, homeless, vagrants, hippies, and boy scouts that frequent the streets and dark alleys of Charleston, a girl can never be too careful. This honk is used entirely for emergency reasons. If a concerned citizen driver sees a suspicious character trailing a group of college females, said citizen might apply quite a bit of force and pressure to his horn to signal said females to be alert. This ensures that they have plenty of time to 'circle the wagons' around the weakest/smallest girl(s) and get into crouching, threatening, defensive positions. Thank you concerned citizen drivers.

3. The practical-joker honk
Nobody likes these types of drivers. Yes, you know of whom I speak...those jerkish drivers who lay into the horn because they enjoy seeing a group of females scream/jump/yell/fall/curse/drop their purses from the shock and surprise of a sudden loud honk assaulting their eardrums. If their horn is incapacitated, these drivers are also prone to rev their engines in order to get the same effect. Bottom line, it's a honk as obnoxious as the personality of the driver behind the wheel.

4. The cat-call honk
See pretty girl. See pretty girl walk. See car horn. Honk, horn, honk. A 'no-brainer' automated male motorist response. Quite easy enough to recognize...you know if you got it or if you don't.

5. The recognizing honk
So a friend sees a fellow college student walking down the sidewalk. Waving is out of the question, you'd have to either let go of the steering wheel or your cell phone. This is a perfect time to incorporate the 'recognizing honk'. This honk is quite casual, usually consisting of a series of several small 'beeps' that contain the implied message of 'friends forever'.

6. The jealous
The jealous beep usually sounds aggressive and angry. This is because said driver is full of a jealous rage upon seeing said female pedestrians fabulous get-up. "Why don't I own purple sparkly leggings?!", "I knew I should have bought that woolen sweater vest!", and "She's wearing my pants!" are only a sample of the various interpretations of what these beeps could imply. In the case of this honk, you should wear this sound like a 'badge of honor'. Girl, go ahead. Be fabulous.

While I am not fluent in 'Car-Speak', I would like to think that I understand enough about car horns to act an interpreter for those less knowledgeable in such matters. Yes, it is important to know the difference in these various honks. It could be the difference between receiving a compliment about your pants or getting apprehended by a boyscout troop. So study up, because foreign languages (such as 'Car-Speak', 'Cafeteria-Lingo', 'Jockenese', and 'Honey Badgerish') shall always be vital and never become overrated.

Metaphors of Life

In English class today, we were discussed various overused metaphors. Exciting, right? No, this was not the only thing we did in the 80 minutes we were conjoined together for the sake of 'higher education'. Yes, we really do meet for 80 minutes. No, the class does not meet every day. Yes, I am asking stupid questions for the sake of answering them in an equally irritating manner. Anyway...our professor suggested (at the end of our lengthy class) that instead of borrowing old metaphors (and rather than 'beat a dead horse'), we should create our own instead.  I have no qualms about this, considering I love a challenge and have a few nifty metaphors already in mind...Careful though. Some of them are also considered similes.

1. "Let's bounce this taco stand"
While I know this analogy does not make too much sense, (ok, it makes little to no sense) it sounds quite upbeat and 'hippish' (like all the cool kids these days). And quite frankly, who wouldn't want to bounce a taco stand?

2. "You broke my heart like the ugly child who looked straight at the camera"
Yes, I know this one is cruel and uncalled for...but you know you laughed a little. And c'mon, who hasn't seen that funky looking child near a camera and thought, "Oh dear Lord. Why? What has that camera done to  deserve that?"

3. "Let's pass through here like a kidney stone"
The more I use this phrase, the more I realize that it sounds more painful then I intended it to (that's a lot of 'mores'). Anyway, what this phrase is simply trying to demonstrate is that in certain situations you want to make an impression...a memorable impression. A sometimes painfully uncomfortable impression. One to be remembered.

4. "I feel like an elephant is giving birth in my stomach"
Have you ever experienced a really intense pain? Well, if you have then this figure of speech is for you. Go ahead, own your pain. Express it to the world in a literary creative way.

5. "I'd rather give birth to 10 live baby sharks"
Another painful sounding metaphor, but one that conveys a powerful message. When faced with a task/activity/operation/assignment/meeting/ect. that you would rather avoid altogether, this phrase informs those around you just how strongly your urge to avoid said situation is.

6. "I feel like a baby shrub that just got chewed up by a Brontosaurus"
Awww, poor shrub. Ironically enough, almost everyone has heard of a Brontosaurus...but it's not a real dinosaur. Yup, another case of mistaken identity and scientific blundering. But, the thought of being chewed up (especially when you are just a lowly, innocent, adorable shrub) by any dinosaur is a good image to recall any day.

7. "He's full of lies"
Yup. While simple, this metaphor is a 'short and sweet' illustration of untruth. When one lacks the truth...he is full of lies. Obviously. End of discussion.

8. "I feel like a one-legged Ethiopian watching a donut roll down a hill"
So I didn't actually come up with this figure of speech (big surprise). I know it's a tad bit offensive (especially to donuts), but it's so fun to think about. Ok, maybe 'fun' is the wrong word here...let's go with 'powerful' and 'descriptive'.

Basically, any metaphor will do. And usually, the crazier (and more offensive...I mean 'socially provoking') one is the more useful it will be. As a speaker of the English language (I know, real badge of honor right there), we should challenge ourselves to never let our...interesting dialect become obsolete, outdated, and dull. Let's keep those scholarly conservative English-speakers on their toes and the edge of their seats. A little fun with language never hurt...well...let's just say while not entirely harmless, being creative with English will never be overrated.

Peeing Like A Mom

During exam week before Christmas break, I found myself with quite a bit of free time (once you excluded studying, exams, and sleep). For me, this was a blessing and a curse as I had ample time to spend thinking; a dangerous past time, I know (movie quote, anyone..?). However, one day while luxuriously participating in this lovely activity, nature called. And, as you know, when nature dials your number...well, you don't want to miss that call. Maybe it was exams, the lack of sleep, or the social isolation...but I found myself reminded of the phrase, "I gotta pee like a mother". And I realized, unfortunately for me (...you, and this blog...), I didn't have a firm grasp on what that meant. So, being my wonderfully creative (and a bit clueless) self, I decided that I would assign possible meanings to this phrase...

1. An actual mom
You know one's body changes as age takes it's toil, and I'm sure the older you get the more difficult/lengthy/stressful/ect. such an activity becomes to a mom. Especially amidst the busy life of a stay-at-home-mom...watching the kids, house work, bills, cooking, facebook, book club...what shall you do when nature calls? Simply put, the act of 'relieving oneself' becomes an inconvenience (aptly recognized by the phrase).

2. A pregnant woman
This one actually makes sense. Because of obvious physical 'space' limitations, pregnant females pee quite a bit. Think about how horrible it must be...like a shark attack, this could occur at anytime and in anyplace (walking down the street, sitting in one's room, running a marathon, putting on a pair of leg warmers, reading the latest teen-romance novel...no impregnated female is safe). To empathize with this connotation would be an attempt to comment on the frequency nature hits the speed-dial button...

3. A mother...let's just say a 'bad word' (not literally, but an implied one)
This, I was saddened to discover is the most used interpretation of the phrase. However, it makes little sense to me. That's all I care to say about that.

While you might be laughing on the inside (or outside for all you 'lol' users out there) about how naive I appear to be based on this mini-brain storm, let me just point out that I'm slightly used to getting things like this wrong. For example, during my childhood I mispronounced 'remote control' and 'specific' quite a bit. I would ask my mother where the 'aremote control' was or ask my dad to be more 'pacific'. I even misread the poem, "Whose List to Hunt" by Sir Thomas Wyatt. The poem is a symbolic tale of a young man who is lusting after a woman who 'belongs' to the king by comparing (metaphorically of course) the young man to a hunter and the woman to a deer that belongs to 'Caesar'. I read through Wyatt's poem and actually asked my teacher why Caesar has a pet deer.

Yes, thankfully I came to realize such blunders as these with time, but while I may appear to be foolish...it's kind of enjoyable to look back at moments such as these and laugh (one of my favorite past times, truth be told). And as odd, embarrassing, or socially unacceptable such occurrences might be considered...I take pride in my crazy moments and laughing at oneself is crucial to living a non-overrated life. If you can't even laugh at your own mistakes, then can you expect to withstand situations in which others laugh at you? To be 'pacific', life is too short to worry about such things.