Not too long ago I read Dante's Inferno for one of my English classes in high school. Until I actually read the book I thought that the whole title was Dante's Inferno, but as it turns out the book (one of three I am told) is titled Inferno by the author Dante (who would've guessed right?). Aside from that brief lapse in brain function, I found that the book overall was quite enjoyable in a morbid sort of way. For those who have not read the book, briefly explained Dante is a poet in the 14th century who creates this allegorical poem called The Divine Comedy in three parts...Inferno (hell), Purgatorio (purgatory), and Paradiso (paradise). Basically in the Inferno, Dante journeys through the "9 circles of hell" (not correct at all, I know but it's not really supposed to be) and encounters sinners suffering different punishments in each circle according to the sin they committed on earth. I believe that much of it is ironic in the sense that Dante places popes, biblical figures (like Potipher's wife and Judas), and historical figures (like Brutus...the guy who kinda stabbed Caesar) in hell.
This being said, after our class finished reading the book, our assignment was to pick a person/group of people to place in a circle of hell (Dante's circles or imaginary) and describe their eternal punishment in an essay. As I mentioned, yes it was a bit morbid but most of my classmates chose to embalm their papers with humor and comical (but severe) punishments. We placed people in Dante's Inferno that included violent cinematographers, the creators of Little Caesar's pizza, Adam Richman from Man vs. Food (for gluttony...duh), and (my personal favorite) the high school band director (for several reasons that time just doesn't permit me to go into...your loss). So, what's the point of this incredibly long explanation? Basically, after a long morning of classes I think (based on some of the scholarly injustices of many students and educators on campus) that I would like to create my own Inferno of academic proportions. I'll try and be as blunt (but still gracious) as my filter-less brain
permits.
My Academic Inferno includes 5 circles (why attempt to perfect 9? Dante's been there, done that...oh, and remember the further we go the worse the crime/punishment):
Circle 1: The Unprepared Students
This circle encompasses those students who aren't physically and mentally ready for college. These students are distinctly recognizable in various ways. These degree-hopefuls are never prepared for class, whether they neglect their homework, sleep in or forget to attend class (by the way, the STUPIDEST reason to fail a class is by having too many absences...most classes allow at least 10), forget to shave the emerging beards off their puberty encrusted chins, or don't bring the necessary supplies (ie. pencil and paper) for note taking and are constantly haggling their fellow classmates for their own stock of writing utensils and sheets of processed trees (felt that paper could be described in a more poetic way...sorry).
Punishment:
Each student (or professor, you never know) who gets placed in this circle will be forced to attempt to complete 158 essays (by hand, 20,000 words a piece) on arbitrary subjects they know little about. To further this punishment, each person will have a broken pencil, half-a-sheet of paper to complete the 158 essays on, and will continuously beg for more time/paper/pencils/food/water from each other. However, seeing as how none of them have any resources to speak of, they will slowly waste away in misery and most will eventually go mad, but will be unable to die. (sorry it's a bit harsh...it has to be a little uncouth to fully embody the spirit of Dante)
Circle 2: The Dull Lecturers
This circle, while appearing as a mere inconvenience, is actually full of horrible individuals. Many a student will fail a course because of failure to grasp material preached by a dull professor or because monotone lecturers lure college-goers into a slumber that ensures that they sleep through the course material being taught. Many poor orators will claim that they did cover the required topics and have no idea as to how that many young adults failed his/her class. However, part of the educators job is to attempt (at least once or twice) to capture the audience's attention...part of what students pay for in their outrageous (and rapidly rising) tuition prices (after all) includes at least a portion of their salaries.
The Punishment:
The dull educators who constantly bore and drone on to their students will be forced to sit in a lecture hall. They will be sensory deprived with blindfolds over their eyes, socks on hands and feet, and will believe that they are alone. They will spend eternity sitting in extremely cushy chairs listening to recordings of themselves droning on and on. If they fall asleep they will be given an electric shock, similar to the voltage of a small cattle prod.
Circle 3: The Immodest Dressers
Next we have those individuals who don't know how to dress themselves. Mostly this is girls who decide that leggings are pants (not attractive), wear lowcut tops (sorry, but no one should see that), and wear clothes 2 sizes too small (NO ONE wants to see that). And if guys don't wear belts with saggy pants they might just find themselves in this circle of the Academic Inferno as well.
Punishment:
The punishment is simple...those in this circle will be wearing clothing that will constantly constrict. At first this will be a breathing hindrance, but as eternity draws out the constriction of the clothes will break bones but these rule-breakers will be unable to die. If only they had covered up.
Circle 4: Selfish Hall Mates/Dorm Dwellers
This circle I hold near and dear to my heart...for personal reasons. The felons belonging to this circle are those individuals who parade up and down the hallway between the hours of 10pm to 2am making noise, screaming, singing (rather poorly), and yelling obscenities. I can think of two large offenders who live on my hallway who fit perfectly into this category. If they were less intimidating to behold I'm sure someone would have done something about them by now. I also include certain dorm room deviants with the selfish hall mates. These students are the ones who constantly hog the bathroom and shower 2 times a day (not necessarily a bad thing unless it is done so in the middle of the day and after 10:30pm at night...rather LOUD and obnoxious sounding showers).
Punishment:
This punishment is divided into two sections, each for the two groups of individuals found suffering within this circle (selfish hall mates and the dorm dwellers). The selfish girls who would be parading the halls at indecent hours will be forced to run for eternity down a never-ending hallway in high heels that are 4 sizes too small. Their motivation to keep running? An acidic tidal wave will be forever chasing them, and if the wave overwhelms them then the individual will be scalded beyond recognition and must lie there until their bodies regenerate (roughly 13 minutes). Not too pretty. The second section of this punishment will be for the shower hoggers. The students who spent too much time in the shower will spend eternity in a scalding hot shower, constantly burning them but they will be unable to escape. (whoa, these punishments sound extremely dark...sorry 'bout that)
Circle 5: Unfair Educators
This group of professors is the epitome of every college student's frustrations and anger. These individuals will grade subjectively, create a torrent of non-relinquishing assignments due right before exams, or will include test questions not found in the student's notes. Yes, college students should be mature and responsible enough to keep up with their work, but that does not give an educator to act like their course is the only one students take.
Punishment:
These offenders will be wearing meat ponchos and must run from hungry wolves for all of eternity. (I know this is where I am supposed to come up with some witty symbolism as to what the wolves represent and why their punishment is just, but honestly...this is something I've seen on quite a few commercials lately) Bon appetite.
While most of these...ok, all of these punishments are harsh and could be considered as cruel and unusual punishment let me clarify something. This is not REAL. This was a way for different academic crimes to be put into perspective in a Dante-inspired fashion. I quite enjoyed myself at times and I would honestly not wish this on anyone...no matter how horrible and annoying others in the college world can be. We are, after all only human. And ANYONE who thinks that I am whining in this fictional commentary...are kinda right, but for now I will simply label those "haters" as pretty terrifically overrated.
