Dating 101

As a single female, I was walking around AC Moore last week with some friends, and in the midst of the extremely scandalous things that were occurring on the coloring pencil aisle (super exciting stuff), I was struck by an interesting question: if I was on a date that was going seriously wrong, what would I do? Seriously, would I be able to handle it? How would I get out of it?

Now, for the purpose of this question, let's assume a few basic facts:
1. You don't know this person very well. Let's say you've been out between 1-4 times.
2. You went to a public setting (mall, restaurant, movie, department store...).
3. If you didn't drive separately, you have a friend you could call who would be willing to pull an "Enterprise" and pick yo' butt up. (On a totally unrelated note, I still get strangers calling me a few times a month wanting to rent-a-car..)

Ok, now that we've taken care of those small details, what do you do? Personally, my flight or fight reaction hasn't always been the best navigator in my life, and like most people, I'm more confident in my abilities to escape from a situation than confront it like an adult. Besides, it would be too easy and simple to merely say that you're not having a good time and want to go home. Communication is obviously too hard these days (one day I will write a book about this...), so how can anyone possibly escape a downward spiraling date? Well, if you don't care about your reputation, are feeling kind of gutsy, will never see this person again, and have nothing to lose...I can help you.

1. Cry uncontrollably
What makes you sad: unwanted puppies in a box, old people falling, failing a test, memories of your childhood? Well, think of something and ride that emotional roller coaster! Blame your emotional state on menstruation, your parents forgetting your birthday when you were twelve, or a random stranger who insulted your dog by simply glancing at you as he/she passed by. Get worked up verbally, and once the tears start to flow, this performance should look like the real deal. It's even better if you're wearing make-up, are an extremely loud/obnoxious crier, snot alot, or begin to hyperventilate when you get upset. Most men don't know how to handle a crying female, so ladies, this tactic could work in your favor and get you a one-way ticket back to being unattached. Trust me, he'll buy your performance...women are expected to be emotional.

2. Pitch a Fit
Here's your chance to channel your inner-child. Seriously, find an open space in a public setting (preferably a mall or department store) and be as melodramatic as possible. Throw yourself upon that scuffed-up tile and make the other shoppers in that store believe that you will physically explode if you can't have *fill in the blank with any frivolous item within reach.* Just like in the previous post, the louder you are, the better. Heck, if your face turns red then you are doing it right. In this case, he'll most likely think your behavior is so ridiculous that he will just leave without you...score.

3. Go to the Bathroom...like alot
So you find yourself at a restaurant and it's not going well. In fact, a one-way trip on the Titanic looks like more fun than your current situation. Maybe he's boring, eats like a wild hog, or smells...you want to escape? I don't blame you at all. Well, to give yourself small breaks from his delightful company until the date inevitably crumbles, excuse yourself to the little girls room...as much as possible. Start with an initial trip five minutes into the meal to "powder your nose" or whatever slang women use when they want to do mysterious things in the bathroom. After you return, wait ten more minutes and excuse yourself again to pee. Make sure your trips become more frequent, last longer, and that you walk more quickly towards the bathroom each time. After the fourth trip, don't even excuse yourself or apologize, just leave the table and don't don't say anything about these "episodes" when you get back. Eventually he'll assume you have diarrhea and (if he's a gentlemen) offer to take you home. (If this fails, just announce to the restaurant that you have diarrhea and run out in an awkward, penguin-esque fashion.)

4. Disguise Yourself
So there isn't a bathroom or an audience to use in your quest to escape this tragic date...well, dig around in your purse, and use the tools you have at your disposal to change your appearance. You don't have to pull out a fat suit, dye your hair, or change your entire outfit; you can rely on more subtle changes. If your hair is down, throw it up in a messy bun or sleek pony tail. If you brought make-up with you, you can add crazy eyeshadow, draw a facial tattoo on your forehead, or apply a bright shade of lipstick. If you're wearing a jacket, take that bad boy off and sling it around your shoulders, wrap it around your neck as a fashionable scarf, or tie it around your head like a bonnet. Wearing pants or a dress? You can alter the length of your outfit, turn it inside out, or even wear it backwards. You just want a noticeable change. This way, if you can't excuse yourself to the "bathroom" and slip out unnoticed and he notices you...he probably won't want to talk to you anymore.

5. Pass a Kidney Stone
Go ahead. Pass one...right there. Think "child birth," screams, moans, grunts and all. Wherever you are just stop and pass that stone.Trust me, he'll pass on that next date.

Ok, so I'm a single female giving advice on how to escape bad dates...that's fine. I'm still a credible source. Anyway, my lack of interaction with the opposite sex isn't the issue here; what's important is the amount of imagination and guts you can muster to save yourself from dreadful dates (in this case, I have an abundance of both). Think about it, the sooner you escape from these horrible dates, the sooner you can go on some awesome dates with the man of your dreams (not to mention you'll have some entertaining stories to tell your friends, family, and other potential suitors). Think of these episodes, not as failed adventures in your love-life but, as memories in the making. You're welcome. Besides, getting a little creative on a date now and then isn't overrated...it's awesome.