Have you ever compared yourself to your sibling(s)? Most of us have, it's completely normal. Noticing differences is completely natural (ironically funny in twins, don't you think?). How exactly do we know that the person who came out of the womb before/after you is really your sister/brother? Sure, I suppose you could just blatantly have blind faith in your parents...but what fun is that? But, I digress. I have noticed enough similarities between my sister and I that put my mind at ease. However, as acceptable as this promise of relation...what is NOT acceptable is everything she has robbed me of by simply being born 17 months before me. Why did she get to have first dibs on all the good genes?
1. Artistic inclination
My sister is a an artistic genius. Ok, she's no Picasso, but she is crazy talented. Can I draw? Do stick people count?
2. Clear skin
She has flawless skin. A model-worthy complexion. She might get one pimple a month...while I wage war against a constant bombardment of adolescent facial blemishes. Ok, so I'm no pizza-face...but in comparison with my sister I might as well be.
3. Photogenic-ness
I avert pictures because I didn't get this gene. My sister is amazing in pictures. The camera loves one of us, and it's not my awkward self...enough said.
4. Curves
Without going into too much detail...let's just say my sister is a beautiful woman. I'm stuck in the 'cute' stage.
5. Short legs/long torso
While this sounds a bit odd to ask for, all I have to say is that I have to get super long pants. Her pants on me (normal length) are high waters on me.
6. People-person
My sister is a naturally friendly person. She can go in a crowd of strangers and befriend all of them. Ever since we were little. I was standing behind my dad, hugging his leg like a life preserver and she was out in front...showing love to the masses.
Ok...this being said. What did I wind up with in all of this gene madness? Well, I'm glad you asked...
1.Type 'A' personality
This keeps me organized, scheduled, and motivated to succeed. Whoo-hoo.
2. Humor?
I would like to think of myself as a slightly funny person. Even if no one laughs with me, I love laughing and try to share this joy with others. If only I had the 'people-person' gene...
3. Good hair
Ok, this one used to be just mine...but after my sister started brushing her hair when she was 10, this gene is no longer solely mine to hold.
4. Good grades
She also made the Dean's List this semester. Again...whoo-hoo.
5. Tall
So, I can reach the top shelf...somebody get me a medal. (Please tell me that sarcasm was not wasted...)
Did I mention that she's 5'10?
So, am I unsatisfied? No. I was just merely making a healthy comparison of my sister and I. At the end of the day, while I might occasionally look at her and wish I could snatch some of those genes back...I know they were never mine to begin with. God knew what He was doing when He made us (kinda hard to believe sometimes, I know). I love the genes and qualities that I have (even if I don't always celebrate them). I love my sister to death, and those differences make us interesting and unique. So in the face of diversity within your brotherly/sisterly gene pool, don't be ashamed of the traits you didn't get. You got stuff too. Own it. Work it. And just know, while it's easy to compare, it's never overrated to love and celebrate your own unique awesomeness. (Yeah yeah...this isn't a self-help book. I get it. I'm done, ok? Chill out.) Love you sis.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
The Language of Cars
So, you're a poor college kid with no car. What to do? Well, legs are pretty snazzy tools for walking...so you decide to use yours to take you across the street. "Why across the street?", you ask. If you go to a small university, such as CSU, then you have a small selection of restaurants, gas stations, and clinics (including the rather large one labeled "Hospital"...the important one with the helipad) to visit simply by crossing a rather busy street/intersection/road/the thing with cars. We, as female college students, often experience odd cravings for such food as Wendy's, Zaxabys, Dunkin Donuts, Waffle House, or Brewsters at odd hours for odd reasons (we're females, we don't need real reasons).
Want food? No car? Problem solved: walk...that's what sidewalks are for (gotta show the pavement some love). So you walk: in droves, herds, groups, gaggles, bunches, duos, pairs, or even *gasp* alone. Unfortunately for 9 our of 10 females who choose to brave the "streets for the eats", cars often make it awkward when they do that weird 'honking thing'. What exactly is the point of honking at girls? Should females everywhere be offended or feel commended? Well, let's examine the language of vehicles and consider what honking signifies for a bit, shall we?
1.The polite honk
It is a little known fact in car etiquette that when a car passes a pedestrian, the said driver of the vehicle should give a quick beep or so. This is purely a pleasantry (and that was an auspicious alliteration). This honk says, "Hi there quaint female pedestrian. I see you, you see me. Have a lovely day". Such honks are usually produced by 'well-bred' drivers. Drivers-ed taught them well.
2. The warning honk
While a bit frightening to think of, often times the world is not safe for a small group of female college students braving the streets. With all of the rapists, criminals, thieves, vandals, homeless, vagrants, hippies, and boy scouts that frequent the streets and dark alleys of Charleston, a girl can never be too careful. This honk is used entirely for emergency reasons. If a concerned citizen driver sees a suspicious character trailing a group of college females, said citizen might apply quite a bit of force and pressure to his horn to signal said females to be alert. This ensures that they have plenty of time to 'circle the wagons' around the weakest/smallest girl(s) and get into crouching, threatening, defensive positions. Thank you concerned citizen drivers.
3. The practical-joker honk
Nobody likes these types of drivers. Yes, you know of whom I speak...those jerkish drivers who lay into the horn because they enjoy seeing a group of females scream/jump/yell/fall/curse/drop their purses from the shock and surprise of a sudden loud honk assaulting their eardrums. If their horn is incapacitated, these drivers are also prone to rev their engines in order to get the same effect. Bottom line, it's a honk as obnoxious as the personality of the driver behind the wheel.
4. The cat-call honk
See pretty girl. See pretty girl walk. See car horn. Honk, horn, honk. A 'no-brainer' automated male motorist response. Quite easy enough to recognize...you know if you got it or if you don't.
5. The recognizing honk
So a friend sees a fellow college student walking down the sidewalk. Waving is out of the question, you'd have to either let go of the steering wheel or your cell phone. This is a perfect time to incorporate the 'recognizing honk'. This honk is quite casual, usually consisting of a series of several small 'beeps' that contain the implied message of 'friends forever'.
6. The jealous
The jealous beep usually sounds aggressive and angry. This is because said driver is full of a jealous rage upon seeing said female pedestrians fabulous get-up. "Why don't I own purple sparkly leggings?!", "I knew I should have bought that woolen sweater vest!", and "She's wearing my pants!" are only a sample of the various interpretations of what these beeps could imply. In the case of this honk, you should wear this sound like a 'badge of honor'. Girl, go ahead. Be fabulous.
While I am not fluent in 'Car-Speak', I would like to think that I understand enough about car horns to act an interpreter for those less knowledgeable in such matters. Yes, it is important to know the difference in these various honks. It could be the difference between receiving a compliment about your pants or getting apprehended by a boyscout troop. So study up, because foreign languages (such as 'Car-Speak', 'Cafeteria-Lingo', 'Jockenese', and 'Honey Badgerish') shall always be vital and never become overrated.
Want food? No car? Problem solved: walk...that's what sidewalks are for (gotta show the pavement some love). So you walk: in droves, herds, groups, gaggles, bunches, duos, pairs, or even *gasp* alone. Unfortunately for 9 our of 10 females who choose to brave the "streets for the eats", cars often make it awkward when they do that weird 'honking thing'. What exactly is the point of honking at girls? Should females everywhere be offended or feel commended? Well, let's examine the language of vehicles and consider what honking signifies for a bit, shall we?
1.The polite honk
It is a little known fact in car etiquette that when a car passes a pedestrian, the said driver of the vehicle should give a quick beep or so. This is purely a pleasantry (and that was an auspicious alliteration). This honk says, "Hi there quaint female pedestrian. I see you, you see me. Have a lovely day". Such honks are usually produced by 'well-bred' drivers. Drivers-ed taught them well.
2. The warning honk
While a bit frightening to think of, often times the world is not safe for a small group of female college students braving the streets. With all of the rapists, criminals, thieves, vandals, homeless, vagrants, hippies, and boy scouts that frequent the streets and dark alleys of Charleston, a girl can never be too careful. This honk is used entirely for emergency reasons. If a concerned citizen driver sees a suspicious character trailing a group of college females, said citizen might apply quite a bit of force and pressure to his horn to signal said females to be alert. This ensures that they have plenty of time to 'circle the wagons' around the weakest/smallest girl(s) and get into crouching, threatening, defensive positions. Thank you concerned citizen drivers.
3. The practical-joker honk
Nobody likes these types of drivers. Yes, you know of whom I speak...those jerkish drivers who lay into the horn because they enjoy seeing a group of females scream/jump/yell/fall/curse/drop their purses from the shock and surprise of a sudden loud honk assaulting their eardrums. If their horn is incapacitated, these drivers are also prone to rev their engines in order to get the same effect. Bottom line, it's a honk as obnoxious as the personality of the driver behind the wheel.
4. The cat-call honk
See pretty girl. See pretty girl walk. See car horn. Honk, horn, honk. A 'no-brainer' automated male motorist response. Quite easy enough to recognize...you know if you got it or if you don't.
5. The recognizing honk
So a friend sees a fellow college student walking down the sidewalk. Waving is out of the question, you'd have to either let go of the steering wheel or your cell phone. This is a perfect time to incorporate the 'recognizing honk'. This honk is quite casual, usually consisting of a series of several small 'beeps' that contain the implied message of 'friends forever'.
6. The jealous
The jealous beep usually sounds aggressive and angry. This is because said driver is full of a jealous rage upon seeing said female pedestrians fabulous get-up. "Why don't I own purple sparkly leggings?!", "I knew I should have bought that woolen sweater vest!", and "She's wearing my pants!" are only a sample of the various interpretations of what these beeps could imply. In the case of this honk, you should wear this sound like a 'badge of honor'. Girl, go ahead. Be fabulous.
While I am not fluent in 'Car-Speak', I would like to think that I understand enough about car horns to act an interpreter for those less knowledgeable in such matters. Yes, it is important to know the difference in these various honks. It could be the difference between receiving a compliment about your pants or getting apprehended by a boyscout troop. So study up, because foreign languages (such as 'Car-Speak', 'Cafeteria-Lingo', 'Jockenese', and 'Honey Badgerish') shall always be vital and never become overrated.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Metaphors of Life
In English class today, we were discussed various overused metaphors. Exciting, right? No, this was not the only thing we did in the 80 minutes we were conjoined together for the sake of 'higher education'. Yes, we really do meet for 80 minutes. No, the class does not meet every day. Yes, I am asking stupid questions for the sake of answering them in an equally irritating manner. Anyway...our professor suggested (at the end of our lengthy class) that instead of borrowing old metaphors (and rather than 'beat a dead horse'), we should create our own instead. I have no qualms about this, considering I love a challenge and have a few nifty metaphors already in mind...Careful though. Some of them are also considered similes.
1. "Let's bounce this taco stand"
While I know this analogy does not make too much sense, (ok, it makes little to no sense) it sounds quite upbeat and 'hippish' (like all the cool kids these days). And quite frankly, who wouldn't want to bounce a taco stand?
2. "You broke my heart like the ugly child who looked straight at the camera"
Yes, I know this one is cruel and uncalled for...but you know you laughed a little. And c'mon, who hasn't seen that funky looking child near a camera and thought, "Oh dear Lord. Why? What has that camera done to deserve that?"
3. "Let's pass through here like a kidney stone"
The more I use this phrase, the more I realize that it sounds more painful then I intended it to (that's a lot of 'mores'). Anyway, what this phrase is simply trying to demonstrate is that in certain situations you want to make an impression...a memorable impression. A sometimes painfully uncomfortable impression. One to be remembered.
4. "I feel like an elephant is giving birth in my stomach"
Have you ever experienced a really intense pain? Well, if you have then this figure of speech is for you. Go ahead, own your pain. Express it to the world in a literary creative way.
5. "I'd rather give birth to 10 live baby sharks"
Another painful sounding metaphor, but one that conveys a powerful message. When faced with a task/activity/operation/assignment/meeting/ect. that you would rather avoid altogether, this phrase informs those around you just how strongly your urge to avoid said situation is.
6. "I feel like a baby shrub that just got chewed up by a Brontosaurus"
Awww, poor shrub. Ironically enough, almost everyone has heard of a Brontosaurus...but it's not a real dinosaur. Yup, another case of mistaken identity and scientific blundering. But, the thought of being chewed up (especially when you are just a lowly, innocent, adorable shrub) by any dinosaur is a good image to recall any day.
7. "He's full of lies"
Yup. While simple, this metaphor is a 'short and sweet' illustration of untruth. When one lacks the truth...he is full of lies. Obviously. End of discussion.
8. "I feel like a one-legged Ethiopian watching a donut roll down a hill"
So I didn't actually come up with this figure of speech (big surprise). I know it's a tad bit offensive (especially to donuts), but it's so fun to think about. Ok, maybe 'fun' is the wrong word here...let's go with 'powerful' and 'descriptive'.
Basically, any metaphor will do. And usually, the crazier (and more offensive...I mean 'socially provoking') one is the more useful it will be. As a speaker of the English language (I know, real badge of honor right there), we should challenge ourselves to never let our...interesting dialect become obsolete, outdated, and dull. Let's keep those scholarly conservative English-speakers on their toes and the edge of their seats. A little fun with language never hurt...well...let's just say while not entirely harmless, being creative with English will never be overrated.
1. "Let's bounce this taco stand"
While I know this analogy does not make too much sense, (ok, it makes little to no sense) it sounds quite upbeat and 'hippish' (like all the cool kids these days). And quite frankly, who wouldn't want to bounce a taco stand?
2. "You broke my heart like the ugly child who looked straight at the camera"
Yes, I know this one is cruel and uncalled for...but you know you laughed a little. And c'mon, who hasn't seen that funky looking child near a camera and thought, "Oh dear Lord. Why? What has that camera done to deserve that?"
3. "Let's pass through here like a kidney stone"
The more I use this phrase, the more I realize that it sounds more painful then I intended it to (that's a lot of 'mores'). Anyway, what this phrase is simply trying to demonstrate is that in certain situations you want to make an impression...a memorable impression. A sometimes painfully uncomfortable impression. One to be remembered.
4. "I feel like an elephant is giving birth in my stomach"
Have you ever experienced a really intense pain? Well, if you have then this figure of speech is for you. Go ahead, own your pain. Express it to the world in a literary creative way.
5. "I'd rather give birth to 10 live baby sharks"
Another painful sounding metaphor, but one that conveys a powerful message. When faced with a task/activity/operation/assignment/meeting/ect. that you would rather avoid altogether, this phrase informs those around you just how strongly your urge to avoid said situation is.
6. "I feel like a baby shrub that just got chewed up by a Brontosaurus"
Awww, poor shrub. Ironically enough, almost everyone has heard of a Brontosaurus...but it's not a real dinosaur. Yup, another case of mistaken identity and scientific blundering. But, the thought of being chewed up (especially when you are just a lowly, innocent, adorable shrub) by any dinosaur is a good image to recall any day.
7. "He's full of lies"
Yup. While simple, this metaphor is a 'short and sweet' illustration of untruth. When one lacks the truth...he is full of lies. Obviously. End of discussion.
8. "I feel like a one-legged Ethiopian watching a donut roll down a hill"
So I didn't actually come up with this figure of speech (big surprise). I know it's a tad bit offensive (especially to donuts), but it's so fun to think about. Ok, maybe 'fun' is the wrong word here...let's go with 'powerful' and 'descriptive'.
Basically, any metaphor will do. And usually, the crazier (and more offensive...I mean 'socially provoking') one is the more useful it will be. As a speaker of the English language (I know, real badge of honor right there), we should challenge ourselves to never let our...interesting dialect become obsolete, outdated, and dull. Let's keep those scholarly conservative English-speakers on their toes and the edge of their seats. A little fun with language never hurt...well...let's just say while not entirely harmless, being creative with English will never be overrated.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Peeing Like A Mom
During exam week before Christmas break, I found myself with quite a bit of free time (once you excluded studying, exams, and sleep). For me, this was a blessing and a curse as I had ample time to spend thinking; a dangerous past time, I know (movie quote, anyone..?). However, one day while luxuriously participating in this lovely activity, nature called. And, as you know, when nature dials your number...well, you don't want to miss that call. Maybe it was exams, the lack of sleep, or the social isolation...but I found myself reminded of the phrase, "I gotta pee like a mother". And I realized, unfortunately for me (...you, and this blog...), I didn't have a firm grasp on what that meant. So, being my wonderfully creative (and a bit clueless) self, I decided that I would assign possible meanings to this phrase...
1. An actual mom
You know one's body changes as age takes it's toil, and I'm sure the older you get the more difficult/lengthy/stressful/ect. such an activity becomes to a mom. Especially amidst the busy life of a stay-at-home-mom...watching the kids, house work, bills, cooking, facebook, book club...what shall you do when nature calls? Simply put, the act of 'relieving oneself' becomes an inconvenience (aptly recognized by the phrase).
2. A pregnant woman
This one actually makes sense. Because of obvious physical 'space' limitations, pregnant females pee quite a bit. Think about how horrible it must be...like a shark attack, this could occur at anytime and in anyplace (walking down the street, sitting in one's room, running a marathon, putting on a pair of leg warmers, reading the latest teen-romance novel...no impregnated female is safe). To empathize with this connotation would be an attempt to comment on the frequency nature hits the speed-dial button...
3. A mother...let's just say a 'bad word' (not literally, but an implied one)
This, I was saddened to discover is the most used interpretation of the phrase. However, it makes little sense to me. That's all I care to say about that.
While you might be laughing on the inside (or outside for all you 'lol' users out there) about how naive I appear to be based on this mini-brain storm, let me just point out that I'm slightly used to getting things like this wrong. For example, during my childhood I mispronounced 'remote control' and 'specific' quite a bit. I would ask my mother where the 'aremote control' was or ask my dad to be more 'pacific'. I even misread the poem, "Whose List to Hunt" by Sir Thomas Wyatt. The poem is a symbolic tale of a young man who is lusting after a woman who 'belongs' to the king by comparing (metaphorically of course) the young man to a hunter and the woman to a deer that belongs to 'Caesar'. I read through Wyatt's poem and actually asked my teacher why Caesar has a pet deer.
Yes, thankfully I came to realize such blunders as these with time, but while I may appear to be foolish...it's kind of enjoyable to look back at moments such as these and laugh (one of my favorite past times, truth be told). And as odd, embarrassing, or socially unacceptable such occurrences might be considered...I take pride in my crazy moments and laughing at oneself is crucial to living a non-overrated life. If you can't even laugh at your own mistakes, then can you expect to withstand situations in which others laugh at you? To be 'pacific', life is too short to worry about such things.
1. An actual mom
You know one's body changes as age takes it's toil, and I'm sure the older you get the more difficult/lengthy/stressful/ect. such an activity becomes to a mom. Especially amidst the busy life of a stay-at-home-mom...watching the kids, house work, bills, cooking, facebook, book club...what shall you do when nature calls? Simply put, the act of 'relieving oneself' becomes an inconvenience (aptly recognized by the phrase).
2. A pregnant woman
This one actually makes sense. Because of obvious physical 'space' limitations, pregnant females pee quite a bit. Think about how horrible it must be...like a shark attack, this could occur at anytime and in anyplace (walking down the street, sitting in one's room, running a marathon, putting on a pair of leg warmers, reading the latest teen-romance novel...no impregnated female is safe). To empathize with this connotation would be an attempt to comment on the frequency nature hits the speed-dial button...
3. A mother...let's just say a 'bad word' (not literally, but an implied one)
This, I was saddened to discover is the most used interpretation of the phrase. However, it makes little sense to me. That's all I care to say about that.
While you might be laughing on the inside (or outside for all you 'lol' users out there) about how naive I appear to be based on this mini-brain storm, let me just point out that I'm slightly used to getting things like this wrong. For example, during my childhood I mispronounced 'remote control' and 'specific' quite a bit. I would ask my mother where the 'aremote control' was or ask my dad to be more 'pacific'. I even misread the poem, "Whose List to Hunt" by Sir Thomas Wyatt. The poem is a symbolic tale of a young man who is lusting after a woman who 'belongs' to the king by comparing (metaphorically of course) the young man to a hunter and the woman to a deer that belongs to 'Caesar'. I read through Wyatt's poem and actually asked my teacher why Caesar has a pet deer.
Yes, thankfully I came to realize such blunders as these with time, but while I may appear to be foolish...it's kind of enjoyable to look back at moments such as these and laugh (one of my favorite past times, truth be told). And as odd, embarrassing, or socially unacceptable such occurrences might be considered...I take pride in my crazy moments and laughing at oneself is crucial to living a non-overrated life. If you can't even laugh at your own mistakes, then can you expect to withstand situations in which others laugh at you? To be 'pacific', life is too short to worry about such things.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Sticks and Stones
Ok, so aside from the implications this (slightly corny) title might give regarding verbal harassment, I assure you that I have no intentions of discussing bullying. I wish, instead, to report on a greater travesty that my friend and I underwent not too long ago.
Just to start off, have you ever (randomly/out of the blue/just for kicks and giggles) wanted a specific food? Yes, of course you have (and if you are in that .89% who have no idea what this means...just nod your head and read on). I have a friend, let's call her 'Alex', who impressed upon me the importance and deliciousness of the magical 'breadstick'. Oddly enough, it was a food item neither of us had enjoyed in some time...so we decided to fix that. One fateful night (yes, that was for dramatic flair) we piled into her pick-up and drove off to the nearest pizza place (no names but it rhymes with 'Meatza Cut'). For reasons unknown to us at that time (and still to this day actually...) the were OUT of breadsticks. The best/only reason to go to this pizza joint (unless you include wedding receptions or 7 year-old birthday parties) is for their famed pizza sticks (and I'm not talking about their 'dessert sticks'...).
As enraged and grieved as we were at such a travesty, my friend 'Alex' and myself decided to stay and order a mediocre pizza (to be enjoyed with our glamorous glasses of water). Sitting in that booth that night, we discussed the options we had and why they denied us sticks...here are some ideas:
1. We ordered water
So as of a couple years ago, I have gotten into the habit of ordering water with just-about every meal. It's not a bad policy for several reasons, but apparently 'Meatza Cut' didn't think so. I personally think that one of the reasons 'said pizza establishment' denied us bread sticks was because we wanted H2O...the drink that pizza restaurants despise (how could I have forgotten such a cardinal rule of pizza stick etiquette)?
2. Didn't get take-out
Fairly certain that while we sat fuming in our booth, a man came in to grab some sticks-to-go. Another vital approach to be remembered in the future...when in doubt, order out. (That way you can drink your water at home and not be judged for it)
3. I'm white
Yes, I'm pulling the race card. It almost sounds like a lame joke, "a non-latino white girl and a purteo-rican girl walk into a pizza joint". Obviously, it's cause I'm white. I almost wanted to ask the manager how it felt to crush two girls' dreams in one night...
4. We didn't even complain...
My friend (could have) come all the way from Puerto Rico to try the fabled 'bread stick' that she had only heard stories about. She has (maybe...possibly) never seen one in-person or even dared to try then in her country, as they are outlawed for being so amazing (and tied to 3 rebellions in her country's history). Ok...so it's a bit of a stretch, but who really knows these days? Whatever happened to customer service?
5. The pizza stick 'heater-uppers' had gone home for the night
This theory of ours was that the sticks are really frozen dough that they have to place in the oven (at roughly 350 degrees for 15 minutes) in order to achieve that 'freshly baked' look the public craves so desperately. Because the complicated process involved in their creation (ie. using an oven...I know, used to scare me...and then I turned 12), not ever pizza worker is trained in this 'art'. So...after the two high school kids (whose one job is to work the stick-oven) left for the day, they were hopelessly stick-less for the remainder of the night.
6. Ok, so we showed up a bit late...
I wouldn't call this our fault 'per-say', but we did show up 30 minutes before they close. But still, they didn't have to be so cranky about it by denying us the one thing we wanted from their casa de pizza...
While this is not a horribly big issue/problem/difficulty...it was slightly sad at the time. Picture it. Two morose college girls slumped in their booth, no desire to talk...melancholy. Hopeless. Occasionally staring up at the man who has come in and gotten the last of the pizza sticks...their mission is a failure. They will be the bane of college life...no one will ever speak of them again (except to whisper across classrooms about the misfortune that befell them). Names forgotten in history, they will fade away into hollow shells...mere memories of the two laughing girls they once were.
So now that you're thoroughly depressed/saddened, think about the worst thing that has happened to you lately. Come-on, everyone has at least one minor disappointment that has occurred within the last week or so. Well, in retrospect (despite how little it appears beside this horrible and unfortunate catastrophe) in the long-run, it probably won't matter. Life is short, so instead of making mountains out of pizza sticks (see what I did there...), living for Jesus and serving others is definitely a better policy to live by. 'Cause I'm quite certain that it's not overrated (even though this story was intentionally blown out of proportion...hope you picked up on that).
Just to start off, have you ever (randomly/out of the blue/just for kicks and giggles) wanted a specific food? Yes, of course you have (and if you are in that .89% who have no idea what this means...just nod your head and read on). I have a friend, let's call her 'Alex', who impressed upon me the importance and deliciousness of the magical 'breadstick'. Oddly enough, it was a food item neither of us had enjoyed in some time...so we decided to fix that. One fateful night (yes, that was for dramatic flair) we piled into her pick-up and drove off to the nearest pizza place (no names but it rhymes with 'Meatza Cut'). For reasons unknown to us at that time (and still to this day actually...) the were OUT of breadsticks. The best/only reason to go to this pizza joint (unless you include wedding receptions or 7 year-old birthday parties) is for their famed pizza sticks (and I'm not talking about their 'dessert sticks'...).
As enraged and grieved as we were at such a travesty, my friend 'Alex' and myself decided to stay and order a mediocre pizza (to be enjoyed with our glamorous glasses of water). Sitting in that booth that night, we discussed the options we had and why they denied us sticks...here are some ideas:
1. We ordered water
So as of a couple years ago, I have gotten into the habit of ordering water with just-about every meal. It's not a bad policy for several reasons, but apparently 'Meatza Cut' didn't think so. I personally think that one of the reasons 'said pizza establishment' denied us bread sticks was because we wanted H2O...the drink that pizza restaurants despise (how could I have forgotten such a cardinal rule of pizza stick etiquette)?
2. Didn't get take-out
Fairly certain that while we sat fuming in our booth, a man came in to grab some sticks-to-go. Another vital approach to be remembered in the future...when in doubt, order out. (That way you can drink your water at home and not be judged for it)
3. I'm white
Yes, I'm pulling the race card. It almost sounds like a lame joke, "a non-latino white girl and a purteo-rican girl walk into a pizza joint". Obviously, it's cause I'm white. I almost wanted to ask the manager how it felt to crush two girls' dreams in one night...
4. We didn't even complain...
My friend (could have) come all the way from Puerto Rico to try the fabled 'bread stick' that she had only heard stories about. She has (maybe...possibly) never seen one in-person or even dared to try then in her country, as they are outlawed for being so amazing (and tied to 3 rebellions in her country's history). Ok...so it's a bit of a stretch, but who really knows these days? Whatever happened to customer service?
5. The pizza stick 'heater-uppers' had gone home for the night
This theory of ours was that the sticks are really frozen dough that they have to place in the oven (at roughly 350 degrees for 15 minutes) in order to achieve that 'freshly baked' look the public craves so desperately. Because the complicated process involved in their creation (ie. using an oven...I know, used to scare me...and then I turned 12), not ever pizza worker is trained in this 'art'. So...after the two high school kids (whose one job is to work the stick-oven) left for the day, they were hopelessly stick-less for the remainder of the night.
6. Ok, so we showed up a bit late...
I wouldn't call this our fault 'per-say', but we did show up 30 minutes before they close. But still, they didn't have to be so cranky about it by denying us the one thing we wanted from their casa de pizza...
While this is not a horribly big issue/problem/difficulty...it was slightly sad at the time. Picture it. Two morose college girls slumped in their booth, no desire to talk...melancholy. Hopeless. Occasionally staring up at the man who has come in and gotten the last of the pizza sticks...their mission is a failure. They will be the bane of college life...no one will ever speak of them again (except to whisper across classrooms about the misfortune that befell them). Names forgotten in history, they will fade away into hollow shells...mere memories of the two laughing girls they once were.
So now that you're thoroughly depressed/saddened, think about the worst thing that has happened to you lately. Come-on, everyone has at least one minor disappointment that has occurred within the last week or so. Well, in retrospect (despite how little it appears beside this horrible and unfortunate catastrophe) in the long-run, it probably won't matter. Life is short, so instead of making mountains out of pizza sticks (see what I did there...), living for Jesus and serving others is definitely a better policy to live by. 'Cause I'm quite certain that it's not overrated (even though this story was intentionally blown out of proportion...hope you picked up on that).
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Warning Label
Our society teaches children, from a young age, that talking to strangers is highly frowned upon. It's a dangerous and unnecessary risk to take because it can lead to free candy, new friends...wait wrong list. Talking to unfamiliar adults can potentially lead to kidnapping, murder, and conversion to Mormonism. However, customers usually admit that most restaurant/gas station/shopping center employees that they encounter on a daily basis are complete strangers.
So, when did the "anti-stranger" rule change? I know what you are thinking (ok, maybe not...but just hear me out so my ego can remain inflated)..."it's different because they provide a public service in a (usually) safe environment". While this is true, I believe that since most individuals are forced to talk to strangers on a regular basis through such services, there should be special classes that must be successfully completed in order to be allowed to talk to others. For those of us who have never taken such classes, we should come with warning labels.
I know that warning labels are a little extreme for such a tiny part of lives, as we recognize social skills to be, but think about the last time you talked to a stranger. Not even an hour ago I got off work and being the busy introvert I am, I decided to grab food and take it to my room (where I now compose this informational post). I recognized the cashier (I had often seen him before...and he is a fairy attractive, pleasant person), but I did not know his name/age/blood type/life goals/social security number/shoe size/ect. so we are practically strangers. All I wanted was a sandwich, bag of chips, and a drink...pretty simple. I take my potential purchase to the counter where I encounter said cashier. He, smiling, bags my dinner, scans my idea, and asks if I want anything else. I reply that I'm good with what I have. Apparently he thought that I needed some oreos, and he reached across to the cookie display and picks up a pack of oreos, asking if I want any. Since I had no label to warn him of the potential disaster he had risked by engaging me in conversation (despite the fact that it was pretty insignificant), I was allowed to answer his question. So, opening my mouth I looked him in the face and matter-of-factually told him that, "I am very true" regarding oreos. He disregarded my incoherent statement, and I hightailed it out of there.
Looking back (in the 30 minutes since then) I believe I meant to say "I'm very sure" that I didn't want oreos. However, it's a little late for specification...my invisible label failed me. Such labels would not be hard to procure or wear, and I'm sure they could very easily be made in to a trendy jacket, vest, scarf, pair of leggings (which you would be able to read because apparently it's just unheard of to wear anything over them...but that rant is for another day), or any such article of clothing that can be worn. Depending on the size of the person, one might be able to have several warnings labeling various dangers of stranger interaction. Hmmm...now what could such warnings be?
Well, depending on your fear regarding engaging with a strange individual (be that for your own safety or reputation), such warnings might sound like this...
1. Careful, I giggle!
This is for those of you who laugh in awkward or ambiguous situations. When you are unsure of how to respond to a slightly introverted cashier or service worker and your body betrays your fear through annoying laughter...at least you can say you warned them (both regarding your irrational response and how odd you find them/the situation).
2. Do not engage unless prepared to help remove foot from mouth.
While this warning is a bit longer, such wordy individuals such as myself would greatly appreciate it. This is a common disorder more strangers should be aware of. In ambiguous situations such individuals open up their "word hoards" (see what I did there those of you who have read Beowulf...) and their words rush out. However, often times, we might have 2 words fighting each other to be included in a sentence where only one word is necessary. In these cases, such people might accidentally create new words or awkward sentences...but ultimately look stupid and uneducated.
3. Got a mop?
Now luckily I haven't encountered many of these individuals, but some people get so nervous when faced with the prospect of interacting with an unknown person that they being to leak torrents of water from every pore on their body. So, unless you have a mop and bucket on standby for such extreme cases, be wary of the waterworks, and stand clear (unless you have floaties and an extra change of clothes).
4. Not mine...
How many times have you gone to buy something in a grocery store or shopping center that you were not entirely comfortable with claiming at the cash register? While this definition has various levels of extremity,most individuals have experience that awkward moment in the check-out line where your purchase or opposite-gendered cashier makes it awkward to shop. Think about it. Wedding gifts, bridal showers, hygiene items, medical supplements, birthday presents, gag gifts, or underpants can make a trip through the check-out line seem like a scene from the Green Mile (death walk...obviously), and self-check outs are not always available. So when you feel like denying your purchases or when the item(s) in question really aren't yours, this warning label might just weigh enough to "break the ice".
While most of these sound a bit unrealistic, I assure you these warnings (properly displayed on a person) can potentially save embarrassment, time, and self-respect. Not everyone is lucky enough to escape unscathed from such a blustering encounter with a stranger like I did...and next time I might not be so lucky. So, when things are getting awkward and you are regretting that you never sought out stranger-interaction training, have no fear. Warning labels are here...and might I just point out that they are completely beneficial and not overrated in the least.
So, when did the "anti-stranger" rule change? I know what you are thinking (ok, maybe not...but just hear me out so my ego can remain inflated)..."it's different because they provide a public service in a (usually) safe environment". While this is true, I believe that since most individuals are forced to talk to strangers on a regular basis through such services, there should be special classes that must be successfully completed in order to be allowed to talk to others. For those of us who have never taken such classes, we should come with warning labels.
I know that warning labels are a little extreme for such a tiny part of lives, as we recognize social skills to be, but think about the last time you talked to a stranger. Not even an hour ago I got off work and being the busy introvert I am, I decided to grab food and take it to my room (where I now compose this informational post). I recognized the cashier (I had often seen him before...and he is a fairy attractive, pleasant person), but I did not know his name/age/blood type/life goals/social security number/shoe size/ect. so we are practically strangers. All I wanted was a sandwich, bag of chips, and a drink...pretty simple. I take my potential purchase to the counter where I encounter said cashier. He, smiling, bags my dinner, scans my idea, and asks if I want anything else. I reply that I'm good with what I have. Apparently he thought that I needed some oreos, and he reached across to the cookie display and picks up a pack of oreos, asking if I want any. Since I had no label to warn him of the potential disaster he had risked by engaging me in conversation (despite the fact that it was pretty insignificant), I was allowed to answer his question. So, opening my mouth I looked him in the face and matter-of-factually told him that, "I am very true" regarding oreos. He disregarded my incoherent statement, and I hightailed it out of there.
Looking back (in the 30 minutes since then) I believe I meant to say "I'm very sure" that I didn't want oreos. However, it's a little late for specification...my invisible label failed me. Such labels would not be hard to procure or wear, and I'm sure they could very easily be made in to a trendy jacket, vest, scarf, pair of leggings (which you would be able to read because apparently it's just unheard of to wear anything over them...but that rant is for another day), or any such article of clothing that can be worn. Depending on the size of the person, one might be able to have several warnings labeling various dangers of stranger interaction. Hmmm...now what could such warnings be?
Well, depending on your fear regarding engaging with a strange individual (be that for your own safety or reputation), such warnings might sound like this...
1. Careful, I giggle!
This is for those of you who laugh in awkward or ambiguous situations. When you are unsure of how to respond to a slightly introverted cashier or service worker and your body betrays your fear through annoying laughter...at least you can say you warned them (both regarding your irrational response and how odd you find them/the situation).
2. Do not engage unless prepared to help remove foot from mouth.
While this warning is a bit longer, such wordy individuals such as myself would greatly appreciate it. This is a common disorder more strangers should be aware of. In ambiguous situations such individuals open up their "word hoards" (see what I did there those of you who have read Beowulf...) and their words rush out. However, often times, we might have 2 words fighting each other to be included in a sentence where only one word is necessary. In these cases, such people might accidentally create new words or awkward sentences...but ultimately look stupid and uneducated.
3. Got a mop?
Now luckily I haven't encountered many of these individuals, but some people get so nervous when faced with the prospect of interacting with an unknown person that they being to leak torrents of water from every pore on their body. So, unless you have a mop and bucket on standby for such extreme cases, be wary of the waterworks, and stand clear (unless you have floaties and an extra change of clothes).
4. Not mine...
How many times have you gone to buy something in a grocery store or shopping center that you were not entirely comfortable with claiming at the cash register? While this definition has various levels of extremity,most individuals have experience that awkward moment in the check-out line where your purchase or opposite-gendered cashier makes it awkward to shop. Think about it. Wedding gifts, bridal showers, hygiene items, medical supplements, birthday presents, gag gifts, or underpants can make a trip through the check-out line seem like a scene from the Green Mile (death walk...obviously), and self-check outs are not always available. So when you feel like denying your purchases or when the item(s) in question really aren't yours, this warning label might just weigh enough to "break the ice".
While most of these sound a bit unrealistic, I assure you these warnings (properly displayed on a person) can potentially save embarrassment, time, and self-respect. Not everyone is lucky enough to escape unscathed from such a blustering encounter with a stranger like I did...and next time I might not be so lucky. So, when things are getting awkward and you are regretting that you never sought out stranger-interaction training, have no fear. Warning labels are here...and might I just point out that they are completely beneficial and not overrated in the least.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Oh Really?
So I'm just minding my own business in my dorm room...isn't that the way most fun stories start? Anyway, I hear one of my suite mates in the bathroom talking. Ok, quick run down...I live in a cinder block cave with one window and an AC/Heat unit. The beauty of the bathroom is that it too is constructed from cinder blocks which turns our lowly bathroom into the worlds best amplifier...everything you say and DO is echoed and available for the public ear in either rooms adjoining it. So back to the suite mate, I hear her talking. And what do you think I might hear? Nope, not talking about me. Good guess though. Feminine hygiene? Oh please, like we talk about that in the bathroom... You'll never guess so I might as well tell, the utterance from her lips which mine ears did detect sounded a little something like "Man, tequila makes me pee! It doesn't even have to be a lot, just a shot and I have to pee.".
No, this blog is not to rat her out. I'm sure tons of kids at my school drink, but let's just say if someone wished to find the liquored urinate, she'd probably be in any average dorm room (like Women's South, room number 230 for instance, it's not like it's to the right of 228...). Basically, I was just curious as to what a normal response in this situation would be. Since I pride myself on being anything BUT normal, I've composed a list of possible options below which do include my initial reaction (silence...usually safe). I suppose this can be for future reference though:
1. Start a conversation
This one would be the most fun I believe, and there are plenty of words you can use to respond to the chick's quote...
"Whoa! You too?"
"Only a shot? You're a natural free willy now aren't you?"
"Could be pregnant I suppose...oh was that out loud?"
"Help! She's sprung a leak!!"
"This could take awhile..."
Or "your quote here"
2. Silence...boring.
Let's move on to a more exciting one.
3. Morse code
And you never thought that course you took at community college would ever serve any purpose...take the time to tap out some of the phrases above or create your own. Say you've never taken Morse code, well by the way she mentioned her inability to retain alcohol, I'd figure you've anywhere from 2 to 10 minutes to learn depending on how much she's consumed.
4. Scream
Not too sure how applicable this would be in response to a liquor peeing suite mate, but you can never go wrong with screaming. I mean, hey, if the room on the right of room 228 can get away with playing the flute at 10:30 - 11 pm at night then why can't you create your own (tasteful of course) composition?
5. Offer a helping hand
Walk into the hallway and approach their door with a small token of "neighborly aid". This could come in the form of a few magazines (if she's going to be a while), a roll of toilet paper, umbrella, a bottle of water (you know, in case she's dehydrated...), a loaf of bread (to "plug 'er up" if it's becoming unbearable or if you have to go), or even a kitten (cause why not a kitten...you never need a reason to lend a helping kitten).
6.Sing
Hey, pick you're favorite song. Might help her go faster...if that's possible. Then you can conquer the bathroom once and for all.
7. Slip an AA card under the door
If you don't have one on hand from your previous meetings, then just perform a covert operation later and subtly leave them all of the bathroom in various blatantly obvious hiding places. (Back of shower curtain, toilet paper dispenser, on top of trashcan, all over the mirror, on shower fixture, ect.)
8. Laugh
When in doubt, LAUGH...until she's fully aware that you heard her and that you think it is one of the funniest things you've heard since you found out that Free Willy died after they released him into the wild (be free lucky one...yes, ironic name meaning isn't it? *beached himself weeks later*)
9. Pour water under the door
At this point start exclaiming at the top of your lungs, "The tequila! I couldn't hold it in! Curse you liquor!!".
10. Tattle-Tell
Don't do anything. Stop. High tail you're brown-nosing self straight to your RA's door and slip an anonymous note under the door explaining what you heard. No need to sign it of course. You're RA and suite mates will probably figure out who ratted them out. Next order of business..writing a will, updating a last farewell on Facebook, and leaving loving notes for friends and family to discover along with your body when security comes around to do door checks and discovers your stone cold self.
Let me just warn you (if you haven't figure it out by now) you might want to attempt one or all of the above (more power to you), but it's never a bad thing to lock the bathroom door on your side to prevent a peeved pee'er from storming the trenches (so to speak). If you haven't been struck by any one of these options as particularly wonderful or entertaining, then great. Come up with your own. I know you're just jealous...deep deep down inside. Not everyone has an alcohol-induced peeing suite mate, it's quite a magical and rare oddity. And it certainly isn't every day that you hear said female mention her peeing powers in a bathroom cave. While I could have gone my whole life without hearing the previously mentioned quote, I'm kinda glad I did cause making fun of...I mean fully appreciating her "gift" in a blog-like atmosphere is pretty much not ever so overrated.
No, this blog is not to rat her out. I'm sure tons of kids at my school drink, but let's just say if someone wished to find the liquored urinate, she'd probably be in any average dorm room (like Women's South, room number 230 for instance, it's not like it's to the right of 228...). Basically, I was just curious as to what a normal response in this situation would be. Since I pride myself on being anything BUT normal, I've composed a list of possible options below which do include my initial reaction (silence...usually safe). I suppose this can be for future reference though:
1. Start a conversation
This one would be the most fun I believe, and there are plenty of words you can use to respond to the chick's quote...
"Whoa! You too?"
"Only a shot? You're a natural free willy now aren't you?"
"Could be pregnant I suppose...oh was that out loud?"
"Help! She's sprung a leak!!"
"This could take awhile..."
Or "your quote here"
2. Silence...boring.
Let's move on to a more exciting one.
3. Morse code
And you never thought that course you took at community college would ever serve any purpose...take the time to tap out some of the phrases above or create your own. Say you've never taken Morse code, well by the way she mentioned her inability to retain alcohol, I'd figure you've anywhere from 2 to 10 minutes to learn depending on how much she's consumed.
4. Scream
Not too sure how applicable this would be in response to a liquor peeing suite mate, but you can never go wrong with screaming. I mean, hey, if the room on the right of room 228 can get away with playing the flute at 10:30 - 11 pm at night then why can't you create your own (tasteful of course) composition?
5. Offer a helping hand
Walk into the hallway and approach their door with a small token of "neighborly aid". This could come in the form of a few magazines (if she's going to be a while), a roll of toilet paper, umbrella, a bottle of water (you know, in case she's dehydrated...), a loaf of bread (to "plug 'er up" if it's becoming unbearable or if you have to go), or even a kitten (cause why not a kitten...you never need a reason to lend a helping kitten).
6.Sing
Hey, pick you're favorite song. Might help her go faster...if that's possible. Then you can conquer the bathroom once and for all.
7. Slip an AA card under the door
If you don't have one on hand from your previous meetings, then just perform a covert operation later and subtly leave them all of the bathroom in various blatantly obvious hiding places. (Back of shower curtain, toilet paper dispenser, on top of trashcan, all over the mirror, on shower fixture, ect.)
8. Laugh
When in doubt, LAUGH...until she's fully aware that you heard her and that you think it is one of the funniest things you've heard since you found out that Free Willy died after they released him into the wild (be free lucky one...yes, ironic name meaning isn't it? *beached himself weeks later*)
9. Pour water under the door
At this point start exclaiming at the top of your lungs, "The tequila! I couldn't hold it in! Curse you liquor!!".
10. Tattle-Tell
Don't do anything. Stop. High tail you're brown-nosing self straight to your RA's door and slip an anonymous note under the door explaining what you heard. No need to sign it of course. You're RA and suite mates will probably figure out who ratted them out. Next order of business..writing a will, updating a last farewell on Facebook, and leaving loving notes for friends and family to discover along with your body when security comes around to do door checks and discovers your stone cold self.
Let me just warn you (if you haven't figure it out by now) you might want to attempt one or all of the above (more power to you), but it's never a bad thing to lock the bathroom door on your side to prevent a peeved pee'er from storming the trenches (so to speak). If you haven't been struck by any one of these options as particularly wonderful or entertaining, then great. Come up with your own. I know you're just jealous...deep deep down inside. Not everyone has an alcohol-induced peeing suite mate, it's quite a magical and rare oddity. And it certainly isn't every day that you hear said female mention her peeing powers in a bathroom cave. While I could have gone my whole life without hearing the previously mentioned quote, I'm kinda glad I did cause making fun of...I mean fully appreciating her "gift" in a blog-like atmosphere is pretty much not ever so overrated.
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