So let's say you started reading this post because of the title. I can't blame you for being curious/a little disgusted by the idea that I have children. Yup. Kids are scary. If I really did have children, let alone hairy ones, I don't know what I would do with them. If they were overflowing with body hair in an extreme, and probably grotesquely impressive fashion, I suppose they could come in handy. This is not to say that I want Chewbacca-children...but you're supposed to love your kids no matter what, right? I mean, depending on the number of children, coloration of the fur...I mean hair, blood type of said "child", and type of hair (be them shaggy or silky) I would figure out something constructive to do with them. With a large amount of child hair, the innovations I could create would be pretty wondrous and amazing (and perhaps a tiny bit disturbing). Let's find out, shall we?
1. Blankets for the homeless
I have nothing against volunteering and donating to the needy, so why not get my kids involved? With their abundance of flowing locks and the amount of geriatric talent in nursing homes these days, I'm sure something could be done for such communities as the homeless and less fortunate. I'm sure there are some champion knitters and loom weavers tired of resting in their resting homes, itching to take up their needles again and fight the battle against stiff fingers and inflamed pelvis' (not sure why I added "pelvis'" but I'm sure they inflame too...). So, after my kids are shaved for the week, I can drive some of their pristine hair to the Bingo clubs and retirement homes for the old ones to go to town with. The sweaters, blankets, parkas, afghans, and turtle-necks produced from such weaving can all go to charity. Helping others, one haircut at a time...what a life.
2. Inspirational speaking
While my kids are young and have no idea what English and intelligible speech is, I can help others by using them as props at parenting and self-help seminars. Trying to quit smoking? What if I brought my 3 fuzzy children and declared that I smoked while I was pregnant with them, resulting in excessive and irreversible hair growth...would you be scared enough to quit? Or, say your kids don't wanna eat their veggies? What if your 2 ten-year olds met my kids, who supposedly never as much as a single carrot in their live, resulting in their uncontrollable transformation into baby werewolves? Think your kids might start wolfing down their vegetables? I'm 'lycan the sound of that...(sorry, bad werewolf joke).
3. Organic clothing
I'm all about saving money and doing the "environmentally friendly" thing, so why now do both? I call it organic clothing. Hairy kids need haircuts and clothes (cause the only thing more disturbing than hairy children is naked hairy children), so let's combine the two. After I, or that lovely person I hire, trims my children for their weekly haircut, I can collect said hair and make clothes. I'm no seamstress, but I'm sure I could pull something together...or I can contact some 4-H girls who live nearby and want to earn a badge or award (whatever those kids earn these days for practicing womanly skills and such housewifery) in sewing. My kids may not need extensions with all that fluff they're covered in, but they're gonna have some fabulous weaves.
4. Cosmetology dummies
The term "dummies" here is not to insult the intelligence of my children/future children/future fuzzy children. I suppose I could use a less condoning term such as "model" or "assistant"...but I am immature and I like the word dummy. I could rent out my children to local cosmetology schools for them to expand and sharpen their hair styling techniques, and my children would be returned to me (ideally) with slightly more manageable hair. Yes, they would still be walking stuff animals, but with all of that hair, why let it go to waste?
5. Human mops
So as a mom, hypothetically of course, I'm going to need to keep house and maintain a clean living environment. Obviously my kids are going to assist me in household chores (that's what kids are for, like Santa's elves without the pointy ears and cherry dispositions). So, because they're covered in so much hair and they have to bathe eventually...why not combine two tasks? They can run, roll, tumble, be dragged through my house covered in suds...like natural human mops. Eventually they'll dry and so will my floors. It's a win-win. And, when dry, they can also double as dusters. As children (rambunctious and flexible) they should be able to reach those small dusty spots in my house that I miss when manually dusting the old-fashion way.
6. Practical jokes
A bit selfish of me? Absolutely. But think about it. Wouldn't it be funny when some teenage hooligans are camping out in the woods with their friends for the weekend and then a couple of hairy children (resembling Big Foot or some another freakishly hairy person) run screaming through their campsite? The chaos and bladder-failure that would ensue as a result would no doubt be worth the 30ish minute drive out there...not to mention the potential haunted houses and overall "prankage" potential for co-workers and annoying family members such camping scares could inspire.
Would you believe that the title of this post was inspired by the two hairy children I spend my days babysitting? Well, maybe children is the wrong term here, but my beagle and poodle certainly act like little fuzzy kids sometimes. Two crazy, loud, fuzzy children...a barrel-full of laughs, let me tell you. I know that some of the ideas I suggest (if I did have a few fur-encrusted kids to call my own) seem a bit harsh. However, I sincerely deny any realistic aspect of this post in general. So don't overreact, cause that's just overrated. I mean, c'mon...we both know that I'm not having kids.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
The Friend Ship
What exactly does a "friend" look like? Most people have their own definition of what makes a true friend and know what they are looking for when they are in the market to purchase/make/discover/create a new one. Oh, I'm sure many of the "friend" traits include virtues like honesty, trustworthiness, kindness, and any other happy-fuzzy-warm-feeling attribute that could also be used to describe a faithful Labrador, but is that all there is to it?
As the saying goes, a friend will bail you out of jail while a best friend will be sitting beside you in the cell saying, "man, that was fun". (Note: to better relate to this analogy, feel free to substitute another more realistic, personalized response for "man, that was fun.") Yes, this hypothetical cellmate (assuming you were already acquainted...) demonstrates loyalty and a sense of devotion (true marks of friendship), but what about those other more tedious traits that might come in handy when interviewing for potential friend-candidates? Well, not to worry, I've got you covered. Simply read along and nod your head in agreement, because I'm about to make your friend search a whole lot easier. You're welcome.
1. A job holder (Responsible)
This is kind of a basic one in my book, and it serves two purpose. Having friends who are employed or have other financial means (legal...most of the time) of occasionally going out for dinner or a fun night on the town shows that they are willing to spend money to hang with you. In addition to allowing your friendship to grow (like a plant), marinate (like chicken), and mature (like a 13 year old boy), it also demonstrates a level of responsibility on your friends' parts to be able to maintain and manage their finances (ok, to an extent...).
2. A pee buddy at your wedding (Serving)
No, this is not just for females (I know what you were thinking guys) cause when your wedding day rolls around, who wouldn't want their best man/maid of honor to be willing to take their nervous-wreck-of-a-self to the little boys/girls room? At times, we all need help. As potentially awkward as a pee buddy might be at your wedding, aren't you glad they're willing to go that extra mile (or 2-ply tissue square) to help you in your time of need? (Seriously, have you seen how much lace and chiffon they use in wedding dresses these days?).
3. A partner in crime...literally (Determined)
While I am not advocating crime or violence, I merely am referring back to the first example (in case you forgot, it involved you in a cell). When the chips fall and you find yourself in need of a body bag, shovel, and 2 bottles of bleach...who are you gonna call? (If you said "Ghostbusters" I give you props, but you might wanna call someone who did not appear in a series of 80's films and questionable cartoons) A less severe question would be, when you have to do something that you'd rather not do (for example, when you're being mauled by a troop of starving girl scouts or Justin Bieber is singing you a solo), who would willingly volunteer to suffer with you? In such cases, these determined and loyal friends won't leave you hanging. Even if they have to drive 2-3 hours to your house, they'll be there for you (cue Friends theme song).
4. A spider/bug/pest killer (Fearless)
Traditionally this friend quality is found in the malespecies gender. Not to say you can't find yourself a female friend who would gladly squish that roach, spider, or cousin for you. It just might take some auditions and various levels of training. Even guys who are willing to come running when you release that girlish shriek as you encounter the king of all centipedes on your way to class should be considered champions. Way to be fearless friends.
5. A booger picker (Loving)
Again, another odd sounding one, but nevertheless, a trait that you should look for in a friend. As gross as it sounds, a friend who is not only willing to inform you that you have a "bat in the cave" but offers their finger to fish it out is definitely a close friend. Hey, so what if it's gross? You don't have to take him/her up on their offer...but they deserves a raise (and some hand sanitizer to seal the deal). Many friends wouldn't even point out your nostril hitchhiker in public. As potentially embarrassing as this could be, I consider it an act of love from a brave (and quite frankly hardcore) friend. Don't judge me.
6. An old-timer (Wise)
Everyone should have at least 1-2 friends they consider old, whether they are days, months, years, or centuries older than you. Like the first point, this offers two benefits. First, and foremost: wisdom. Not to say that a friend who is only 3-5 years older than you knows everything, but he/she is most certain to have passed through stuff that you haven't yet. While they don't necessarily have the answers to everything (and might be torturing themselves with a horrible major...like computer science or floral management), as older friends, they are usually wise (to an extent) in one level of life-smarts or another. And secondly, my personal favorite benefit of having such friends is that you can affectionately refer to them as "grandpa" or "oldie-locks." sign them up fort geriatric magazine subscriptions, and remind them of their fading glory days when they're having those rare moments of spry and youthful energy (all in the name of friendship and love, of course).
While these are all fantastic traits (in my opinion) to have in a friend, you don't have to limit such characteristics to one friend in particular (even though that'd be awfully convenient). Spread the love. You know you have various friends that you love for different reasons and personality quirks. Not every friend is brave or would stick their finger, willingly, in your nostril to save you from public humiliation. And you know what, that's fine. The more diverse and oddly assorted your friends are, the better.
Too much of a good thing cannot remain good. If you have 3 friends willing to sit in jail with you but nobody responsible enough to bail you out, you're going to be sitting in that cell for awhile. Basically, enjoy your friends and be willing to look for traits outside your "Labrador list". You might surprise yourself with what other qualities you find that you were missing but never knew could exist in others. Surprises (and people in general) may be scary, but not taking chances in building relationships with others is seriously overrated.
As the saying goes, a friend will bail you out of jail while a best friend will be sitting beside you in the cell saying, "man, that was fun". (Note: to better relate to this analogy, feel free to substitute another more realistic, personalized response for "man, that was fun.") Yes, this hypothetical cellmate (assuming you were already acquainted...) demonstrates loyalty and a sense of devotion (true marks of friendship), but what about those other more tedious traits that might come in handy when interviewing for potential friend-candidates? Well, not to worry, I've got you covered. Simply read along and nod your head in agreement, because I'm about to make your friend search a whole lot easier. You're welcome.
1. A job holder (Responsible)
This is kind of a basic one in my book, and it serves two purpose. Having friends who are employed or have other financial means (legal...most of the time) of occasionally going out for dinner or a fun night on the town shows that they are willing to spend money to hang with you. In addition to allowing your friendship to grow (like a plant), marinate (like chicken), and mature (like a 13 year old boy), it also demonstrates a level of responsibility on your friends' parts to be able to maintain and manage their finances (ok, to an extent...).
2. A pee buddy at your wedding (Serving)
No, this is not just for females (I know what you were thinking guys) cause when your wedding day rolls around, who wouldn't want their best man/maid of honor to be willing to take their nervous-wreck-of-a-self to the little boys/girls room? At times, we all need help. As potentially awkward as a pee buddy might be at your wedding, aren't you glad they're willing to go that extra mile (or 2-ply tissue square) to help you in your time of need? (Seriously, have you seen how much lace and chiffon they use in wedding dresses these days?).
3. A partner in crime...literally (Determined)
While I am not advocating crime or violence, I merely am referring back to the first example (in case you forgot, it involved you in a cell). When the chips fall and you find yourself in need of a body bag, shovel, and 2 bottles of bleach...who are you gonna call? (If you said "Ghostbusters" I give you props, but you might wanna call someone who did not appear in a series of 80's films and questionable cartoons) A less severe question would be, when you have to do something that you'd rather not do (for example, when you're being mauled by a troop of starving girl scouts or Justin Bieber is singing you a solo), who would willingly volunteer to suffer with you? In such cases, these determined and loyal friends won't leave you hanging. Even if they have to drive 2-3 hours to your house, they'll be there for you (cue Friends theme song).
4. A spider/bug/pest killer (Fearless)
Traditionally this friend quality is found in the male
5. A booger picker (Loving)
Again, another odd sounding one, but nevertheless, a trait that you should look for in a friend. As gross as it sounds, a friend who is not only willing to inform you that you have a "bat in the cave" but offers their finger to fish it out is definitely a close friend. Hey, so what if it's gross? You don't have to take him/her up on their offer...but they deserves a raise (and some hand sanitizer to seal the deal). Many friends wouldn't even point out your nostril hitchhiker in public. As potentially embarrassing as this could be, I consider it an act of love from a brave (and quite frankly hardcore) friend. Don't judge me.
6. An old-timer (Wise)
Everyone should have at least 1-2 friends they consider old, whether they are days, months, years, or centuries older than you. Like the first point, this offers two benefits. First, and foremost: wisdom. Not to say that a friend who is only 3-5 years older than you knows everything, but he/she is most certain to have passed through stuff that you haven't yet. While they don't necessarily have the answers to everything (and might be torturing themselves with a horrible major...like computer science or floral management), as older friends, they are usually wise (to an extent) in one level of life-smarts or another. And secondly, my personal favorite benefit of having such friends is that you can affectionately refer to them as "grandpa" or "oldie-locks." sign them up fort geriatric magazine subscriptions, and remind them of their fading glory days when they're having those rare moments of spry and youthful energy (all in the name of friendship and love, of course).
While these are all fantastic traits (in my opinion) to have in a friend, you don't have to limit such characteristics to one friend in particular (even though that'd be awfully convenient). Spread the love. You know you have various friends that you love for different reasons and personality quirks. Not every friend is brave or would stick their finger, willingly, in your nostril to save you from public humiliation. And you know what, that's fine. The more diverse and oddly assorted your friends are, the better.
Too much of a good thing cannot remain good. If you have 3 friends willing to sit in jail with you but nobody responsible enough to bail you out, you're going to be sitting in that cell for awhile. Basically, enjoy your friends and be willing to look for traits outside your "Labrador list". You might surprise yourself with what other qualities you find that you were missing but never knew could exist in others. Surprises (and people in general) may be scary, but not taking chances in building relationships with others is seriously overrated.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
My Life in Animation
Over this semester, a group of friends at my college (for simplicity's sake, let's call this group "No Shame"...a random totally-non-college affiliated name that sprung from the top of my head just now) found that we enjoyed watching animated movies together. Such movies include the traditional Disney film to the newer, cutting edge Pixar studio flick. What we decided, after a time, is that any movie is more enjoyable if you spend the duration of the film with a character that is "you". I'm not gonna lie, I found this quite fun (and I still do), but I have realized several things from this "animated labeling". For educational purposes, I figured that I should share this with the world (aka...the 20ish people or so who take time from their busy summer days filled with work, chores, and overall laziness to read this blog...hey, no shame friends).
1. My friends are predictable
No Shame (that randomly named group of college pals) is encompassed with a variety of personalities, oddities, and quirks that make this group stand out from the other cliche and boring social circles found on campus. Yes, we are an army of awesome. Literally...an army (on a good day, there's like 27 of us). Anyway, these random crazy people, whom I love, are from all walks of life and make our group extremely diverse. However, that's not the point.
Even in their loud and shameless personalities, they are quite predictable. In movies, we can usually find characters that describe a major quirk that makes each of us...well, us. We have the dramatic theatre guru (usually speaking a monologue and sporting a British accent), the romantic couple (usually mature characters who are obviously gonna get together), a few comedic-relief characters (often because of ill-timing, but guaranteed to make the audience/5 year-olds everywhere wet their pants in glee), and a villain (not gonna lie...again, but this usually has to do with mannerisms and overall appearance). While this is the simplified way in which we cast roles, we also take into account the dynamic of certain friends, bone-structure, blood type, the weather in Fiji, and whether one's socks are white or chartreuse on that particular day. Yes, it's a science.
2. Movies are formulaic
If No Shame is predictable, and yet most of us are the same-ish characters in all of these movie...what does that say about children's films these days? Just saying, I feel like these animated miracles, while wonderful to watch, have children/college student attention spans down to a science. A little comedic relief, a villain, the romantic protagonist couple fated to be together, some random extras, and some mildly funny secondary characters that further the plot along with their occasional 1-sentenced lines. But hey, we don't discriminate, and we watch each movie with that wide-eyed sense of wonder found predominately in 6-8 year-olds...ok, maybe not. But we always have a good time at movie nights.
3. I'm stupid/sometimes a dude
This is more of a personal revelation of mine. In EVERY movie we watch I am comedic relief, or to put it more plainly...I'm that stupid character that you remember because while you were laughing with the other characters, you were laughing at mine. Hey, I'm not ashamed of this. I'm just as predictable as the rest of my friends, which I take to mean that I know them almost as well as myself. So far, I have been expertly cast as a Mexican Chihuahua (kind of redundant putting both of those words there), a hyena that didn't understand the "golden rule" (if you had to ask what rule that is, you too probably can't follow it), an oafish midget (wonder what "LeFou" could possibly mean...), and a pig who's sole purpose is to hold your loose change. Hey, at least I was a chick once, even if that "chick" was Whoppi Goldberg (wait, does that even count?).
4. I take movies personally
After I've been cast in a movie, I often find myself focusing in on my character. While this is to be expected I suppose, I also start taking (usually) his actions personally. Of course I laugh, but it's a split between thinking, "I can't believe I just did that" and "I would do that". What can I say, I get caught-up in how realistic animated movies can be with their life-like toys, talking animals, and well-rehearsed musical selections. Cause what's more realistic than a group of animals breaking out in song? Obviously it's an animated group of talking animals incorporating their own dance number into to film to further the plot along. Duh.
While I have been a bit cynical and sarcastic when watching these movies (I know, pretty out of character for me), I must admit that I absolutely love me some good animation. (If all you took away from that last sentence was my grammar, please note that I did that on purpose you Yankees) I love this group of friends that God has blessed me with this semester. The fact that we can all get together and hang out, doing college-aged appropriate activities like watching children's movies, speaks volumes to our crazy-awesome group dynamic. Where else can you find English (liars), Religion (saved), Nursing (loving), Graphic Design (artsy), Education (patient), History (brilliant), and Computer Science (why would you do that to yourself?) majors enjoying each others company? If you answered a cafeteria, classroom, duck pond, movie theater, Applebee's, beach, or foul-smelling lounge...then you are correct. Basically, (oh gosh, here comes the child-friendly message) hanging out with some wonderful people while enjoying some formulaic children's movies is nothing to scoff at. You scoffers are just jealous, and might I add, simply overrated.
1. My friends are predictable
No Shame (that randomly named group of college pals) is encompassed with a variety of personalities, oddities, and quirks that make this group stand out from the other cliche and boring social circles found on campus. Yes, we are an army of awesome. Literally...an army (on a good day, there's like 27 of us). Anyway, these random crazy people, whom I love, are from all walks of life and make our group extremely diverse. However, that's not the point.
Even in their loud and shameless personalities, they are quite predictable. In movies, we can usually find characters that describe a major quirk that makes each of us...well, us. We have the dramatic theatre guru (usually speaking a monologue and sporting a British accent), the romantic couple (usually mature characters who are obviously gonna get together), a few comedic-relief characters (often because of ill-timing, but guaranteed to make the audience/5 year-olds everywhere wet their pants in glee), and a villain (not gonna lie...again, but this usually has to do with mannerisms and overall appearance). While this is the simplified way in which we cast roles, we also take into account the dynamic of certain friends, bone-structure, blood type, the weather in Fiji, and whether one's socks are white or chartreuse on that particular day. Yes, it's a science.
2. Movies are formulaic
If No Shame is predictable, and yet most of us are the same-ish characters in all of these movie...what does that say about children's films these days? Just saying, I feel like these animated miracles, while wonderful to watch, have children/college student attention spans down to a science. A little comedic relief, a villain, the romantic protagonist couple fated to be together, some random extras, and some mildly funny secondary characters that further the plot along with their occasional 1-sentenced lines. But hey, we don't discriminate, and we watch each movie with that wide-eyed sense of wonder found predominately in 6-8 year-olds...ok, maybe not. But we always have a good time at movie nights.
3. I'm stupid/sometimes a dude
This is more of a personal revelation of mine. In EVERY movie we watch I am comedic relief, or to put it more plainly...I'm that stupid character that you remember because while you were laughing with the other characters, you were laughing at mine. Hey, I'm not ashamed of this. I'm just as predictable as the rest of my friends, which I take to mean that I know them almost as well as myself. So far, I have been expertly cast as a Mexican Chihuahua (kind of redundant putting both of those words there), a hyena that didn't understand the "golden rule" (if you had to ask what rule that is, you too probably can't follow it), an oafish midget (wonder what "LeFou" could possibly mean...), and a pig who's sole purpose is to hold your loose change. Hey, at least I was a chick once, even if that "chick" was Whoppi Goldberg (wait, does that even count?).
4. I take movies personally
After I've been cast in a movie, I often find myself focusing in on my character. While this is to be expected I suppose, I also start taking (usually) his actions personally. Of course I laugh, but it's a split between thinking, "I can't believe I just did that" and "I would do that". What can I say, I get caught-up in how realistic animated movies can be with their life-like toys, talking animals, and well-rehearsed musical selections. Cause what's more realistic than a group of animals breaking out in song? Obviously it's an animated group of talking animals incorporating their own dance number into to film to further the plot along. Duh.
While I have been a bit cynical and sarcastic when watching these movies (I know, pretty out of character for me), I must admit that I absolutely love me some good animation. (If all you took away from that last sentence was my grammar, please note that I did that on purpose you Yankees) I love this group of friends that God has blessed me with this semester. The fact that we can all get together and hang out, doing college-aged appropriate activities like watching children's movies, speaks volumes to our crazy-awesome group dynamic. Where else can you find English (liars), Religion (saved), Nursing (loving), Graphic Design (artsy), Education (patient), History (brilliant), and Computer Science (why would you do that to yourself?) majors enjoying each others company? If you answered a cafeteria, classroom, duck pond, movie theater, Applebee's, beach, or foul-smelling lounge...then you are correct. Basically, (oh gosh, here comes the child-friendly message) hanging out with some wonderful people while enjoying some formulaic children's movies is nothing to scoff at. You scoffers are just jealous, and might I add, simply overrated.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Fat Kid-Free
When I was younger, I used to pray about my future husband (if he existed). I often wondered, "what would he look like" and "have I already met him"? I even prayed that God would show me without a shadow of a doubt who my husband would be when He dropped the guy in my lap. Of course, I was being metaphorical, but after a fat kid fell on me at a hayride...let's just say that prayer was quickly extinguished. Overall, I think that being single is quite a wonderful thing. For instance, if you were in a relationship, these things could become problematic...
1. Accepting chivalry
Yes, I appreciate chivalrous actions. No, I am not a feminist (if you thought that, just skip down to my second point). Let's just say that I appreciate doing things for myself by myself. I am independent...so sue me. Yes, if I ever get in a relationship I'll have to suck this up and deal with it (well, I suppose that depends on the guy), but for now, watch me open my own door and love every second of it.
2. Sexist jokes
One of my personal favorites, and something I do in my free time. Wanna hear a joke? Women's rights. I know, isn't this counter productive? Think about it, could I really be sexist against women? Sure feminists might hate me, but it's great that I'm not in a relationship because I feel like I might be seriously degrading my own gender...especially if that significant other agrees with me. I guess if I stay in the kitchen, where I'm supposed to be, then I wouldn't have to worry about it...
3. Sharing time
I struggle with having enough time for God, keeping up with my meager social life, balancing school work, and reminding my family I still exist. The last thing I need is an extra mouth to feed...oh wait, that's a different argument. Anyway, you get my point. I am not a circus performer, and I make a poor juggler.
4. Being a man-hater
I am personally not a man-hater (at least not all the time), but I find these females quite hilarious and fun to be around. However, when you think about it, it might be a bit difficult to be in a relationship (with a guy...) when you harbor extreme loathing and distaste for his entire gender. Sure, a bit of aversion might be a problem, but how are you supposed to grow together if you have a hatred that could only be compared to a burning passion of a thousand suns.
5. Friend sharing
So you guys have the same friends, great. What happens if you break-up? Wouldn't it be awkward? Lines would be drawn, sides would be taken, and your former love-life could potentially become a shoot-out scene in one of those old western flicks your dad loves. So basically, unless you're 100% sure it could work...don't do it.
6. Bumming it up
Psh, dressing up is overrated. Comfy is lovely...but guys don't always agree with that statement, hence the problem. So on those days when you are just rocking the jammies, sloppy up-do, unwashed face, and mismatched socks...just be grateful that you can wear whatever your hobo-shaped heart desires without grossing out that potential someone.
7. Movie nights
Have you ever seen the guy/girl you like (let' pretend like I'm keeping the genders paired up with their opposite...) eat popcorn in a movie theater? Enough said.
8. Dates
So he pays, you pay, you go Dutch, his choice, your choice, staying in...decisions, decisions. Honestly, being single takes an emotional and financial load off the old wallet (or debit card, whatever you kids are using these days). College is expensive enough without having to be chivalrous with your bank account. So on those days you feel the breath of debt and a zero-balanced bank account breathing down your neck, just be thankful (cough cough, fellas) that you don't have a girlfriend riding shotgun on this downward spiral. (A bit harsh? It's a harsh world)
While some of these items may appear a bit daunting (and pessimistic of me), overall, I don't have any problem with relationships. Have them. Enjoy them. Love them. But, make sure that you are fully committed to the sacrifices and complications that come with them. Be prepared to accept the good, the bad, and the ugly. Sorry, apparently this has turned a bit life-coachy...but hey, no shame right? For now, I will take my seat on this hayride with a fat kid-free lap. (Cause doctor's visits can be so overrated)
1. Accepting chivalry
Yes, I appreciate chivalrous actions. No, I am not a feminist (if you thought that, just skip down to my second point). Let's just say that I appreciate doing things for myself by myself. I am independent...so sue me. Yes, if I ever get in a relationship I'll have to suck this up and deal with it (well, I suppose that depends on the guy), but for now, watch me open my own door and love every second of it.
2. Sexist jokes
One of my personal favorites, and something I do in my free time. Wanna hear a joke? Women's rights. I know, isn't this counter productive? Think about it, could I really be sexist against women? Sure feminists might hate me, but it's great that I'm not in a relationship because I feel like I might be seriously degrading my own gender...especially if that significant other agrees with me. I guess if I stay in the kitchen, where I'm supposed to be, then I wouldn't have to worry about it...
3. Sharing time
I struggle with having enough time for God, keeping up with my meager social life, balancing school work, and reminding my family I still exist. The last thing I need is an extra mouth to feed...oh wait, that's a different argument. Anyway, you get my point. I am not a circus performer, and I make a poor juggler.
4. Being a man-hater
I am personally not a man-hater (at least not all the time), but I find these females quite hilarious and fun to be around. However, when you think about it, it might be a bit difficult to be in a relationship (with a guy...) when you harbor extreme loathing and distaste for his entire gender. Sure, a bit of aversion might be a problem, but how are you supposed to grow together if you have a hatred that could only be compared to a burning passion of a thousand suns.
5. Friend sharing
So you guys have the same friends, great. What happens if you break-up? Wouldn't it be awkward? Lines would be drawn, sides would be taken, and your former love-life could potentially become a shoot-out scene in one of those old western flicks your dad loves. So basically, unless you're 100% sure it could work...don't do it.
6. Bumming it up
Psh, dressing up is overrated. Comfy is lovely...but guys don't always agree with that statement, hence the problem. So on those days when you are just rocking the jammies, sloppy up-do, unwashed face, and mismatched socks...just be grateful that you can wear whatever your hobo-shaped heart desires without grossing out that potential someone.
7. Movie nights
Have you ever seen the guy/girl you like (let' pretend like I'm keeping the genders paired up with their opposite...) eat popcorn in a movie theater? Enough said.
8. Dates
So he pays, you pay, you go Dutch, his choice, your choice, staying in...decisions, decisions. Honestly, being single takes an emotional and financial load off the old wallet (or debit card, whatever you kids are using these days). College is expensive enough without having to be chivalrous with your bank account. So on those days you feel the breath of debt and a zero-balanced bank account breathing down your neck, just be thankful (cough cough, fellas) that you don't have a girlfriend riding shotgun on this downward spiral. (A bit harsh? It's a harsh world)
While some of these items may appear a bit daunting (and pessimistic of me), overall, I don't have any problem with relationships. Have them. Enjoy them. Love them. But, make sure that you are fully committed to the sacrifices and complications that come with them. Be prepared to accept the good, the bad, and the ugly. Sorry, apparently this has turned a bit life-coachy...but hey, no shame right? For now, I will take my seat on this hayride with a fat kid-free lap. (Cause doctor's visits can be so overrated)
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Gene Thief
Have you ever compared yourself to your sibling(s)? Most of us have, it's completely normal. Noticing differences is completely natural (ironically funny in twins, don't you think?). How exactly do we know that the person who came out of the womb before/after you is really your sister/brother? Sure, I suppose you could just blatantly have blind faith in your parents...but what fun is that? But, I digress. I have noticed enough similarities between my sister and I that put my mind at ease. However, as acceptable as this promise of relation...what is NOT acceptable is everything she has robbed me of by simply being born 17 months before me. Why did she get to have first dibs on all the good genes?
1. Artistic inclination
My sister is a an artistic genius. Ok, she's no Picasso, but she is crazy talented. Can I draw? Do stick people count?
2. Clear skin
She has flawless skin. A model-worthy complexion. She might get one pimple a month...while I wage war against a constant bombardment of adolescent facial blemishes. Ok, so I'm no pizza-face...but in comparison with my sister I might as well be.
3. Photogenic-ness
I avert pictures because I didn't get this gene. My sister is amazing in pictures. The camera loves one of us, and it's not my awkward self...enough said.
4. Curves
Without going into too much detail...let's just say my sister is a beautiful woman. I'm stuck in the 'cute' stage.
5. Short legs/long torso
While this sounds a bit odd to ask for, all I have to say is that I have to get super long pants. Her pants on me (normal length) are high waters on me.
6. People-person
My sister is a naturally friendly person. She can go in a crowd of strangers and befriend all of them. Ever since we were little. I was standing behind my dad, hugging his leg like a life preserver and she was out in front...showing love to the masses.
Ok...this being said. What did I wind up with in all of this gene madness? Well, I'm glad you asked...
1.Type 'A' personality
This keeps me organized, scheduled, and motivated to succeed. Whoo-hoo.
2. Humor?
I would like to think of myself as a slightly funny person. Even if no one laughs with me, I love laughing and try to share this joy with others. If only I had the 'people-person' gene...
3. Good hair
Ok, this one used to be just mine...but after my sister started brushing her hair when she was 10, this gene is no longer solely mine to hold.
4. Good grades
She also made the Dean's List this semester. Again...whoo-hoo.
5. Tall
So, I can reach the top shelf...somebody get me a medal. (Please tell me that sarcasm was not wasted...)
Did I mention that she's 5'10?
So, am I unsatisfied? No. I was just merely making a healthy comparison of my sister and I. At the end of the day, while I might occasionally look at her and wish I could snatch some of those genes back...I know they were never mine to begin with. God knew what He was doing when He made us (kinda hard to believe sometimes, I know). I love the genes and qualities that I have (even if I don't always celebrate them). I love my sister to death, and those differences make us interesting and unique. So in the face of diversity within your brotherly/sisterly gene pool, don't be ashamed of the traits you didn't get. You got stuff too. Own it. Work it. And just know, while it's easy to compare, it's never overrated to love and celebrate your own unique awesomeness. (Yeah yeah...this isn't a self-help book. I get it. I'm done, ok? Chill out.) Love you sis.
1. Artistic inclination
My sister is a an artistic genius. Ok, she's no Picasso, but she is crazy talented. Can I draw? Do stick people count?
2. Clear skin
She has flawless skin. A model-worthy complexion. She might get one pimple a month...while I wage war against a constant bombardment of adolescent facial blemishes. Ok, so I'm no pizza-face...but in comparison with my sister I might as well be.
3. Photogenic-ness
I avert pictures because I didn't get this gene. My sister is amazing in pictures. The camera loves one of us, and it's not my awkward self...enough said.
4. Curves
Without going into too much detail...let's just say my sister is a beautiful woman. I'm stuck in the 'cute' stage.
5. Short legs/long torso
While this sounds a bit odd to ask for, all I have to say is that I have to get super long pants. Her pants on me (normal length) are high waters on me.
6. People-person
My sister is a naturally friendly person. She can go in a crowd of strangers and befriend all of them. Ever since we were little. I was standing behind my dad, hugging his leg like a life preserver and she was out in front...showing love to the masses.
Ok...this being said. What did I wind up with in all of this gene madness? Well, I'm glad you asked...
1.Type 'A' personality
This keeps me organized, scheduled, and motivated to succeed. Whoo-hoo.
2. Humor?
I would like to think of myself as a slightly funny person. Even if no one laughs with me, I love laughing and try to share this joy with others. If only I had the 'people-person' gene...
3. Good hair
Ok, this one used to be just mine...but after my sister started brushing her hair when she was 10, this gene is no longer solely mine to hold.
4. Good grades
She also made the Dean's List this semester. Again...whoo-hoo.
5. Tall
So, I can reach the top shelf...somebody get me a medal. (Please tell me that sarcasm was not wasted...)
Did I mention that she's 5'10?
So, am I unsatisfied? No. I was just merely making a healthy comparison of my sister and I. At the end of the day, while I might occasionally look at her and wish I could snatch some of those genes back...I know they were never mine to begin with. God knew what He was doing when He made us (kinda hard to believe sometimes, I know). I love the genes and qualities that I have (even if I don't always celebrate them). I love my sister to death, and those differences make us interesting and unique. So in the face of diversity within your brotherly/sisterly gene pool, don't be ashamed of the traits you didn't get. You got stuff too. Own it. Work it. And just know, while it's easy to compare, it's never overrated to love and celebrate your own unique awesomeness. (Yeah yeah...this isn't a self-help book. I get it. I'm done, ok? Chill out.) Love you sis.
Friday, February 10, 2012
The Language of Cars
So, you're a poor college kid with no car. What to do? Well, legs are pretty snazzy tools for walking...so you decide to use yours to take you across the street. "Why across the street?", you ask. If you go to a small university, such as CSU, then you have a small selection of restaurants, gas stations, and clinics (including the rather large one labeled "Hospital"...the important one with the helipad) to visit simply by crossing a rather busy street/intersection/road/the thing with cars. We, as female college students, often experience odd cravings for such food as Wendy's, Zaxabys, Dunkin Donuts, Waffle House, or Brewsters at odd hours for odd reasons (we're females, we don't need real reasons).
Want food? No car? Problem solved: walk...that's what sidewalks are for (gotta show the pavement some love). So you walk: in droves, herds, groups, gaggles, bunches, duos, pairs, or even *gasp* alone. Unfortunately for 9 our of 10 females who choose to brave the "streets for the eats", cars often make it awkward when they do that weird 'honking thing'. What exactly is the point of honking at girls? Should females everywhere be offended or feel commended? Well, let's examine the language of vehicles and consider what honking signifies for a bit, shall we?
1.The polite honk
It is a little known fact in car etiquette that when a car passes a pedestrian, the said driver of the vehicle should give a quick beep or so. This is purely a pleasantry (and that was an auspicious alliteration). This honk says, "Hi there quaint female pedestrian. I see you, you see me. Have a lovely day". Such honks are usually produced by 'well-bred' drivers. Drivers-ed taught them well.
2. The warning honk
While a bit frightening to think of, often times the world is not safe for a small group of female college students braving the streets. With all of the rapists, criminals, thieves, vandals, homeless, vagrants, hippies, and boy scouts that frequent the streets and dark alleys of Charleston, a girl can never be too careful. This honk is used entirely for emergency reasons. If a concerned citizen driver sees a suspicious character trailing a group of college females, said citizen might apply quite a bit of force and pressure to his horn to signal said females to be alert. This ensures that they have plenty of time to 'circle the wagons' around the weakest/smallest girl(s) and get into crouching, threatening, defensive positions. Thank you concerned citizen drivers.
3. The practical-joker honk
Nobody likes these types of drivers. Yes, you know of whom I speak...those jerkish drivers who lay into the horn because they enjoy seeing a group of females scream/jump/yell/fall/curse/drop their purses from the shock and surprise of a sudden loud honk assaulting their eardrums. If their horn is incapacitated, these drivers are also prone to rev their engines in order to get the same effect. Bottom line, it's a honk as obnoxious as the personality of the driver behind the wheel.
4. The cat-call honk
See pretty girl. See pretty girl walk. See car horn. Honk, horn, honk. A 'no-brainer' automated male motorist response. Quite easy enough to recognize...you know if you got it or if you don't.
5. The recognizing honk
So a friend sees a fellow college student walking down the sidewalk. Waving is out of the question, you'd have to either let go of the steering wheel or your cell phone. This is a perfect time to incorporate the 'recognizing honk'. This honk is quite casual, usually consisting of a series of several small 'beeps' that contain the implied message of 'friends forever'.
6. The jealous
The jealous beep usually sounds aggressive and angry. This is because said driver is full of a jealous rage upon seeing said female pedestrians fabulous get-up. "Why don't I own purple sparkly leggings?!", "I knew I should have bought that woolen sweater vest!", and "She's wearing my pants!" are only a sample of the various interpretations of what these beeps could imply. In the case of this honk, you should wear this sound like a 'badge of honor'. Girl, go ahead. Be fabulous.
While I am not fluent in 'Car-Speak', I would like to think that I understand enough about car horns to act an interpreter for those less knowledgeable in such matters. Yes, it is important to know the difference in these various honks. It could be the difference between receiving a compliment about your pants or getting apprehended by a boyscout troop. So study up, because foreign languages (such as 'Car-Speak', 'Cafeteria-Lingo', 'Jockenese', and 'Honey Badgerish') shall always be vital and never become overrated.
Want food? No car? Problem solved: walk...that's what sidewalks are for (gotta show the pavement some love). So you walk: in droves, herds, groups, gaggles, bunches, duos, pairs, or even *gasp* alone. Unfortunately for 9 our of 10 females who choose to brave the "streets for the eats", cars often make it awkward when they do that weird 'honking thing'. What exactly is the point of honking at girls? Should females everywhere be offended or feel commended? Well, let's examine the language of vehicles and consider what honking signifies for a bit, shall we?
1.The polite honk
It is a little known fact in car etiquette that when a car passes a pedestrian, the said driver of the vehicle should give a quick beep or so. This is purely a pleasantry (and that was an auspicious alliteration). This honk says, "Hi there quaint female pedestrian. I see you, you see me. Have a lovely day". Such honks are usually produced by 'well-bred' drivers. Drivers-ed taught them well.
2. The warning honk
While a bit frightening to think of, often times the world is not safe for a small group of female college students braving the streets. With all of the rapists, criminals, thieves, vandals, homeless, vagrants, hippies, and boy scouts that frequent the streets and dark alleys of Charleston, a girl can never be too careful. This honk is used entirely for emergency reasons. If a concerned citizen driver sees a suspicious character trailing a group of college females, said citizen might apply quite a bit of force and pressure to his horn to signal said females to be alert. This ensures that they have plenty of time to 'circle the wagons' around the weakest/smallest girl(s) and get into crouching, threatening, defensive positions. Thank you concerned citizen drivers.
3. The practical-joker honk
Nobody likes these types of drivers. Yes, you know of whom I speak...those jerkish drivers who lay into the horn because they enjoy seeing a group of females scream/jump/yell/fall/curse/drop their purses from the shock and surprise of a sudden loud honk assaulting their eardrums. If their horn is incapacitated, these drivers are also prone to rev their engines in order to get the same effect. Bottom line, it's a honk as obnoxious as the personality of the driver behind the wheel.
4. The cat-call honk
See pretty girl. See pretty girl walk. See car horn. Honk, horn, honk. A 'no-brainer' automated male motorist response. Quite easy enough to recognize...you know if you got it or if you don't.
5. The recognizing honk
So a friend sees a fellow college student walking down the sidewalk. Waving is out of the question, you'd have to either let go of the steering wheel or your cell phone. This is a perfect time to incorporate the 'recognizing honk'. This honk is quite casual, usually consisting of a series of several small 'beeps' that contain the implied message of 'friends forever'.
6. The jealous
The jealous beep usually sounds aggressive and angry. This is because said driver is full of a jealous rage upon seeing said female pedestrians fabulous get-up. "Why don't I own purple sparkly leggings?!", "I knew I should have bought that woolen sweater vest!", and "She's wearing my pants!" are only a sample of the various interpretations of what these beeps could imply. In the case of this honk, you should wear this sound like a 'badge of honor'. Girl, go ahead. Be fabulous.
While I am not fluent in 'Car-Speak', I would like to think that I understand enough about car horns to act an interpreter for those less knowledgeable in such matters. Yes, it is important to know the difference in these various honks. It could be the difference between receiving a compliment about your pants or getting apprehended by a boyscout troop. So study up, because foreign languages (such as 'Car-Speak', 'Cafeteria-Lingo', 'Jockenese', and 'Honey Badgerish') shall always be vital and never become overrated.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Metaphors of Life
In English class today, we were discussed various overused metaphors. Exciting, right? No, this was not the only thing we did in the 80 minutes we were conjoined together for the sake of 'higher education'. Yes, we really do meet for 80 minutes. No, the class does not meet every day. Yes, I am asking stupid questions for the sake of answering them in an equally irritating manner. Anyway...our professor suggested (at the end of our lengthy class) that instead of borrowing old metaphors (and rather than 'beat a dead horse'), we should create our own instead. I have no qualms about this, considering I love a challenge and have a few nifty metaphors already in mind...Careful though. Some of them are also considered similes.
1. "Let's bounce this taco stand"
While I know this analogy does not make too much sense, (ok, it makes little to no sense) it sounds quite upbeat and 'hippish' (like all the cool kids these days). And quite frankly, who wouldn't want to bounce a taco stand?
2. "You broke my heart like the ugly child who looked straight at the camera"
Yes, I know this one is cruel and uncalled for...but you know you laughed a little. And c'mon, who hasn't seen that funky looking child near a camera and thought, "Oh dear Lord. Why? What has that camera done to deserve that?"
3. "Let's pass through here like a kidney stone"
The more I use this phrase, the more I realize that it sounds more painful then I intended it to (that's a lot of 'mores'). Anyway, what this phrase is simply trying to demonstrate is that in certain situations you want to make an impression...a memorable impression. A sometimes painfully uncomfortable impression. One to be remembered.
4. "I feel like an elephant is giving birth in my stomach"
Have you ever experienced a really intense pain? Well, if you have then this figure of speech is for you. Go ahead, own your pain. Express it to the world in a literary creative way.
5. "I'd rather give birth to 10 live baby sharks"
Another painful sounding metaphor, but one that conveys a powerful message. When faced with a task/activity/operation/assignment/meeting/ect. that you would rather avoid altogether, this phrase informs those around you just how strongly your urge to avoid said situation is.
6. "I feel like a baby shrub that just got chewed up by a Brontosaurus"
Awww, poor shrub. Ironically enough, almost everyone has heard of a Brontosaurus...but it's not a real dinosaur. Yup, another case of mistaken identity and scientific blundering. But, the thought of being chewed up (especially when you are just a lowly, innocent, adorable shrub) by any dinosaur is a good image to recall any day.
7. "He's full of lies"
Yup. While simple, this metaphor is a 'short and sweet' illustration of untruth. When one lacks the truth...he is full of lies. Obviously. End of discussion.
8. "I feel like a one-legged Ethiopian watching a donut roll down a hill"
So I didn't actually come up with this figure of speech (big surprise). I know it's a tad bit offensive (especially to donuts), but it's so fun to think about. Ok, maybe 'fun' is the wrong word here...let's go with 'powerful' and 'descriptive'.
Basically, any metaphor will do. And usually, the crazier (and more offensive...I mean 'socially provoking') one is the more useful it will be. As a speaker of the English language (I know, real badge of honor right there), we should challenge ourselves to never let our...interesting dialect become obsolete, outdated, and dull. Let's keep those scholarly conservative English-speakers on their toes and the edge of their seats. A little fun with language never hurt...well...let's just say while not entirely harmless, being creative with English will never be overrated.
1. "Let's bounce this taco stand"
While I know this analogy does not make too much sense, (ok, it makes little to no sense) it sounds quite upbeat and 'hippish' (like all the cool kids these days). And quite frankly, who wouldn't want to bounce a taco stand?
2. "You broke my heart like the ugly child who looked straight at the camera"
Yes, I know this one is cruel and uncalled for...but you know you laughed a little. And c'mon, who hasn't seen that funky looking child near a camera and thought, "Oh dear Lord. Why? What has that camera done to deserve that?"
3. "Let's pass through here like a kidney stone"
The more I use this phrase, the more I realize that it sounds more painful then I intended it to (that's a lot of 'mores'). Anyway, what this phrase is simply trying to demonstrate is that in certain situations you want to make an impression...a memorable impression. A sometimes painfully uncomfortable impression. One to be remembered.
4. "I feel like an elephant is giving birth in my stomach"
Have you ever experienced a really intense pain? Well, if you have then this figure of speech is for you. Go ahead, own your pain. Express it to the world in a literary creative way.
5. "I'd rather give birth to 10 live baby sharks"
Another painful sounding metaphor, but one that conveys a powerful message. When faced with a task/activity/operation/assignment/meeting/ect. that you would rather avoid altogether, this phrase informs those around you just how strongly your urge to avoid said situation is.
6. "I feel like a baby shrub that just got chewed up by a Brontosaurus"
Awww, poor shrub. Ironically enough, almost everyone has heard of a Brontosaurus...but it's not a real dinosaur. Yup, another case of mistaken identity and scientific blundering. But, the thought of being chewed up (especially when you are just a lowly, innocent, adorable shrub) by any dinosaur is a good image to recall any day.
7. "He's full of lies"
Yup. While simple, this metaphor is a 'short and sweet' illustration of untruth. When one lacks the truth...he is full of lies. Obviously. End of discussion.
8. "I feel like a one-legged Ethiopian watching a donut roll down a hill"
So I didn't actually come up with this figure of speech (big surprise). I know it's a tad bit offensive (especially to donuts), but it's so fun to think about. Ok, maybe 'fun' is the wrong word here...let's go with 'powerful' and 'descriptive'.
Basically, any metaphor will do. And usually, the crazier (and more offensive...I mean 'socially provoking') one is the more useful it will be. As a speaker of the English language (I know, real badge of honor right there), we should challenge ourselves to never let our...interesting dialect become obsolete, outdated, and dull. Let's keep those scholarly conservative English-speakers on their toes and the edge of their seats. A little fun with language never hurt...well...let's just say while not entirely harmless, being creative with English will never be overrated.
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