Have you ever been so bored (or avoiding work/studying/watching your kids...ect.) that you find yourself on the internet just perusing websites? As of ten minutes ago my wanderings led me to Google, the mother-load of all things "searchable". Because of the inspirational Justin Bieber Valentine I received tonight, I felt led to type in his name and see what the world thought of him. The results were pretty entertaining and I took it from there...
Google Search: Justin Bieber is...
Prompts/Results: Justin Bieber is gay (debatable)
51 (make-up is a marvelous and magical thing)
dead (...Bieber undead fever?)
a girl (just because he sings like one)
a gay baby (my favorite)
ugly (to each her own)
fake (hope not, who would little girls cry about?)
Google Search: Justin Bieber needs to...
Prompts/Results: Justin Bieber needs to die (that's not very nice)
pee (at some point)
go away (from...?)
hit puberty (AMEN)
be shot (flu shot, tetanus shot, H1N1?)
Switching gears...
Google Search: Miley Cyrus eats...
Prompts/Results: Miley Cyrus eats cats (Chinese food? Mr. Whiskers?)
meat (what? she's a vegetarianism)
puppies (Korean food? Fluffy?)
you (RUN FOR YOU LIFE!)
a baby (so I guess babysitting is out of the question...)
Google Search: Why is my...
Prompts/Results: Why is my eye twitching
poop green (PLEASE see a doctor)
dog staring at me (he has the rumblies that only hands can satisfy?)
internet so slow (blame your parents, school, or computer)
dog throwing up (hands didn't agree with him?)
hair falling out (you're married, have kids, your dog just ate hands)
Google Search: My head is...
Prompts/Results: My head is stuck in the clouds (does she begs you to come down?)
bloody but unbound (HOSPITAL)
itchy (lice, dandruff, cheap wig...?)
full of pretty lumps (lovely lady lumps? lumps of oatmeal or coal?)
too big (well DUH. I mean look at your melon-headed children)
heavy (see "too big")
Scared yet? Well...suffice it to say that my curiosity and bored tendencies tonight have been quelled/squashed/put to rest. Google is a magical thing and provides lots of opinions and knowledge, but be careful. Remember, with great power comes great...nah. That quote is just plain overrated.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Zombie 101
Last night I got less than 6 hours of sleep. I know, college student, they never sleep so "big whoop" right? WRONG. It ruined my morning. Ok...maybe not ruined, wouldn't want to be melodramatic now would we? Let's just say it made my morning very interesting.
7 am - I crawl out of bed like a beached whale (Lets just say I didn't die, but I felt close to death...Oh and I know what you're thinking, "Beached whales can't crawl, they wash up on the beach and die if not returned to the ocean in an hour or less". Well, if whales had bigger flippers, smaller torsos, and could breathe oxygen then they would have resembled what I appeared to do this morning. Don't judge me).
7:40 am - After getting ready I lurch (very zombie-like) to the library so I can print out an English paper. Silly little me did not know the library did not open until 7:45 am. The librarian looked at me through the glass and attempted a numeric sign-language to let me know that I would have to wait. I actually figured out that I had to wait 5 minutes by reading the sign on the front of the door. Nice try librarian. Oh, and did I mention the stoic and very unfriendly expression I wore on my face? Yeah...it wasn't very nice, but for some reason I just couldn't motivate the muscles residing in my face to do anything this morning (who knew face muscles needed sleep too?)
7:45 am - After 5 of the longest minutes of my life I am finally let into the library (did I mention that it was cold and wet outside?). I was a bit upset after wasting 5 minutes of my life.
8 am - I am sitting in my Biology class, very tired, and then I begin to make a list at everything that was rubbing me the wrong way (the list was getting longer by the minute). For starters, a random girl sat next to me, taking the seat of a friend of mine who has sat in the same seat since the beginning of the semester (oh, about 4 weeks ago). Let's see...oh, and she was texting in her lap, which for some reason really annoyed me (lets say it was the sound, or it could have been that she was staring into her crotch and smiling...not obvious at all...). The list continued to grow as the class continued to drag on, and on, and on, and on, and...it was killing me.
9 am - I discover that my English class is canceled, which improves my mood until I realize that I don't have enough time to take a nap...bummer.
10 am - I walk from the dorm to my Psychology class (2 minutes...how intense) where I sit in an auditorium with 40 other freshman (plus an annoyingly opinionated 40-something year old) and try not to fall asleep. Guess what we were talking about...oh yeah, sleep. Aside from dreams and the psyche, the main focus actually became sleep deprivation. Interesting. In addition, one of the symptoms includes irritability...me, sleep deprived? No...apparently college kids need a (recommended) total of 11 hours of sleep a night, not sure where all that time can be found though.
11 am - Ate lunch...blah blah blah. Took an online test for Computer Science...blah blah. Lab...oh crap, a nap would have to wait.
1:30 pm - I was a bit more alert at this point, but participating in a lab where we decapitated a tulip and cut open an apple, pear, piece of celery, a bean, and a kernel of corn does little to stimulate the mind.
After returning to the room I actually didn't nap until 4 pm...and when I woke up an hour later with the longest dream I've ever had still fresh in my mind I felt like a zombie again (the bloodshot eyes came with the static facial expression). If anyone needs some lessons on how to be undead, the best recommendation I have would be to drink caffeine around 10 pm, lie in bed for 2ish hours, fall into a fitful sleep between 1-2 am, and then attempt to leave their covers 5 hours later. Trust me, they might even win an Oscar or motivate villagers to seek shelter in an attempt to keep (what little) brain matter they posses to themselves.
Let's just say that my hope for tonight is that I can fall asleep before 12 am, and I can proudly say that I clocked in a solid 8-9 hours of slumber so that tomorrow's art appreciation class isn't met with the same amount of cynicism that today was privy to. Remember boys a girls, a good night's sleep may be hard to come by, but it is certainly never going to be overrated (unlike Justin Bieber, snuggies, and those individuals who shower midday or 20 minutes before classes start...not cool).
7 am - I crawl out of bed like a beached whale (Lets just say I didn't die, but I felt close to death...Oh and I know what you're thinking, "Beached whales can't crawl, they wash up on the beach and die if not returned to the ocean in an hour or less". Well, if whales had bigger flippers, smaller torsos, and could breathe oxygen then they would have resembled what I appeared to do this morning. Don't judge me).
7:40 am - After getting ready I lurch (very zombie-like) to the library so I can print out an English paper. Silly little me did not know the library did not open until 7:45 am. The librarian looked at me through the glass and attempted a numeric sign-language to let me know that I would have to wait. I actually figured out that I had to wait 5 minutes by reading the sign on the front of the door. Nice try librarian. Oh, and did I mention the stoic and very unfriendly expression I wore on my face? Yeah...it wasn't very nice, but for some reason I just couldn't motivate the muscles residing in my face to do anything this morning (who knew face muscles needed sleep too?)
7:45 am - After 5 of the longest minutes of my life I am finally let into the library (did I mention that it was cold and wet outside?). I was a bit upset after wasting 5 minutes of my life.
8 am - I am sitting in my Biology class, very tired, and then I begin to make a list at everything that was rubbing me the wrong way (the list was getting longer by the minute). For starters, a random girl sat next to me, taking the seat of a friend of mine who has sat in the same seat since the beginning of the semester (oh, about 4 weeks ago). Let's see...oh, and she was texting in her lap, which for some reason really annoyed me (lets say it was the sound, or it could have been that she was staring into her crotch and smiling...not obvious at all...). The list continued to grow as the class continued to drag on, and on, and on, and on, and...it was killing me.
9 am - I discover that my English class is canceled, which improves my mood until I realize that I don't have enough time to take a nap...bummer.
10 am - I walk from the dorm to my Psychology class (2 minutes...how intense) where I sit in an auditorium with 40 other freshman (plus an annoyingly opinionated 40-something year old) and try not to fall asleep. Guess what we were talking about...oh yeah, sleep. Aside from dreams and the psyche, the main focus actually became sleep deprivation. Interesting. In addition, one of the symptoms includes irritability...me, sleep deprived? No...apparently college kids need a (recommended) total of 11 hours of sleep a night, not sure where all that time can be found though.
11 am - Ate lunch...blah blah blah. Took an online test for Computer Science...blah blah. Lab...oh crap, a nap would have to wait.
1:30 pm - I was a bit more alert at this point, but participating in a lab where we decapitated a tulip and cut open an apple, pear, piece of celery, a bean, and a kernel of corn does little to stimulate the mind.
After returning to the room I actually didn't nap until 4 pm...and when I woke up an hour later with the longest dream I've ever had still fresh in my mind I felt like a zombie again (the bloodshot eyes came with the static facial expression). If anyone needs some lessons on how to be undead, the best recommendation I have would be to drink caffeine around 10 pm, lie in bed for 2ish hours, fall into a fitful sleep between 1-2 am, and then attempt to leave their covers 5 hours later. Trust me, they might even win an Oscar or motivate villagers to seek shelter in an attempt to keep (what little) brain matter they posses to themselves.
Let's just say that my hope for tonight is that I can fall asleep before 12 am, and I can proudly say that I clocked in a solid 8-9 hours of slumber so that tomorrow's art appreciation class isn't met with the same amount of cynicism that today was privy to. Remember boys a girls, a good night's sleep may be hard to come by, but it is certainly never going to be overrated (unlike Justin Bieber, snuggies, and those individuals who shower midday or 20 minutes before classes start...not cool).
Monday, January 24, 2011
Moonlight Serenade
So last night around 11pm, surprisingly everyone in our room was in bed, granted we were talking and sleep was not discovered for another 20 minutes or so, but nevertheless...it was an impressive feat. While we were lying there one of my roommates and myself saw the shadowed outline of a guy outside our window. Because my third roommie (the little one) couldn't see the window, she freaked out a bit and was trying to rouse me out of bed to bang on the window with an empty wrapping-paper roll. I'm not sure if her intent was to make him go away, get a few laughs out of me looking stupid, or a combination of the two. However, it was soon deducted that he was a love-struck "Romeo" who was throwing pebbles at the room above ours in the hopes of seeing his lady-love before he went beddy-bye. Romantic? A little nauseating, but hey...to each his own.
So what exactly would have happened last night had that hormonal teenager been instead a mysterious creeper on the prowl? Well, the safest and most responsible way to deal with that would have been to call campus security, lock the door, and call it a night. However, if there is one thing I have learned about myself from the 18 years I have toiled away on this earth and by living with 2 other adults it's that I'm not always responsible. If there is a creeper outside my window then I'm going to mess with him for kicks and giggles...I know, pretty mature right?
- Making faces
One of the classic "psych-outs" that I'm sure creeps hate is having one or more girls making grizzly faces at him through a set of roll-up blinds. For added theatrics, a well-positioned flashlight held under the chin or some disturbing sound effects (one of my roommates has gotten very good at these) are sure to send your creeper creeping away at full creep.
- Puppet show
If it appears that the creeper/stalker/masked-murderer outside your window late at night isn't going anywhere anytime soon, why not give him something to enjoy and giggle at? Using painted fingers, spare socks, or little people stapled to an empty wrapping-paper roll I'm sure you can come up with many detailed and award-winning acts to enthrall your uninvited window creep. You could wow him with Shakespearean portrayals of love and betrayal, stage scenes of death and war that would leave him quaking in his sneakers, or even reenact scenes from Mean Girls to enrage to the point where words cannot express his flaming wrath (it's Lindsey Lohan acting, I mean who wouldn't be upset?). The opportunities are endless, and if you play your cards right you might be kept off his "bad list".
- Sacrifice
If he appears relentless on getting something before he leaves, be that a "hello", "I love you", or a dead body from the one he loves, you can always use a little leverage to save your room. Nominate one person in your room or in the neighboring room to be the "sacrifice". You can use criteria such as age, hair color, height, GPA, favorite marine animal, number of friends, ect. My personal favorite is height, because by selecting the shortest person in your room, not only have you raised the average height in your room from 5'6'' to 5'9'', but it is easier to force said sacrifice through your first-floor window (regardless of how much she resists, claws, scratches, screams, and makes wild-animal calls to alert the surrounding room residents who are or under 5'2''). So you lose a roommate...at least you gain a full night's sleep in peace and security. Well worth it in my opinion.
- Distraction
In the case that your creeper/lover-boy/mysterious desperado gets a bit unnerving standing outside yonder window, a good distraction always comes in handy in such instances. Flashing lights from another dorm window, the blaring of music (Celine Dion might just come in handy...for once) in his general direction, the tossing of candy (cookies, old food, hot liquids...what ever is on hand), or even using reverse psychology on him by cracking your window and whispering creepy things (if you haven't sacrificed your midget roommate by now, her weird animal sound effects could come in handy here). In any case, as long as it is blatantly obvious to the creeper outside, anything ought to buy you enough time for him to get distracted (and by default) choose another target to devote his attentions toward.
Basically, if none of the tactics listed above bring you joy, entertainment, and/or rid yourself of your unwanted visitor than maybe being mature and calling security is the best option for you. Hey, I mean we can't all be spontaneous and fun when confronted with an obstacle that stands to rob us of 10-30 minutes of sleep. I'm not saying that unrequited love (at least it appeared unrequited last night) is overrated, on the contrary, I commend the stranger from last night for his diligence. What I AM suggesting is that having fun with creepers/desperados/mysterious men/weirdos/"Romeos" who are all up in your "proverbial grill" after the sun has set is pretty awesome and not in the least bit overrated.
So what exactly would have happened last night had that hormonal teenager been instead a mysterious creeper on the prowl? Well, the safest and most responsible way to deal with that would have been to call campus security, lock the door, and call it a night. However, if there is one thing I have learned about myself from the 18 years I have toiled away on this earth and by living with 2 other adults it's that I'm not always responsible. If there is a creeper outside my window then I'm going to mess with him for kicks and giggles...I know, pretty mature right?
- Making faces
One of the classic "psych-outs" that I'm sure creeps hate is having one or more girls making grizzly faces at him through a set of roll-up blinds. For added theatrics, a well-positioned flashlight held under the chin or some disturbing sound effects (one of my roommates has gotten very good at these) are sure to send your creeper creeping away at full creep.
- Puppet show
If it appears that the creeper/stalker/masked-murderer outside your window late at night isn't going anywhere anytime soon, why not give him something to enjoy and giggle at? Using painted fingers, spare socks, or little people stapled to an empty wrapping-paper roll I'm sure you can come up with many detailed and award-winning acts to enthrall your uninvited window creep. You could wow him with Shakespearean portrayals of love and betrayal, stage scenes of death and war that would leave him quaking in his sneakers, or even reenact scenes from Mean Girls to enrage to the point where words cannot express his flaming wrath (it's Lindsey Lohan acting, I mean who wouldn't be upset?). The opportunities are endless, and if you play your cards right you might be kept off his "bad list".
- Sacrifice
If he appears relentless on getting something before he leaves, be that a "hello", "I love you", or a dead body from the one he loves, you can always use a little leverage to save your room. Nominate one person in your room or in the neighboring room to be the "sacrifice". You can use criteria such as age, hair color, height, GPA, favorite marine animal, number of friends, ect. My personal favorite is height, because by selecting the shortest person in your room, not only have you raised the average height in your room from 5'6'' to 5'9'', but it is easier to force said sacrifice through your first-floor window (regardless of how much she resists, claws, scratches, screams, and makes wild-animal calls to alert the surrounding room residents who are or under 5'2''). So you lose a roommate...at least you gain a full night's sleep in peace and security. Well worth it in my opinion.
- Distraction
In the case that your creeper/lover-boy/mysterious desperado gets a bit unnerving standing outside yonder window, a good distraction always comes in handy in such instances. Flashing lights from another dorm window, the blaring of music (Celine Dion might just come in handy...for once) in his general direction, the tossing of candy (cookies, old food, hot liquids...what ever is on hand), or even using reverse psychology on him by cracking your window and whispering creepy things (if you haven't sacrificed your midget roommate by now, her weird animal sound effects could come in handy here). In any case, as long as it is blatantly obvious to the creeper outside, anything ought to buy you enough time for him to get distracted (and by default) choose another target to devote his attentions toward.
Basically, if none of the tactics listed above bring you joy, entertainment, and/or rid yourself of your unwanted visitor than maybe being mature and calling security is the best option for you. Hey, I mean we can't all be spontaneous and fun when confronted with an obstacle that stands to rob us of 10-30 minutes of sleep. I'm not saying that unrequited love (at least it appeared unrequited last night) is overrated, on the contrary, I commend the stranger from last night for his diligence. What I AM suggesting is that having fun with creepers/desperados/mysterious men/weirdos/"Romeos" who are all up in your "proverbial grill" after the sun has set is pretty awesome and not in the least bit overrated.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
College Woes
My one semester (and counting) of college experience has been filled with ups. downs, pros, cons, excitements, misadventures, joys, pains, friends, annoyances, misunderstandings, opportunities, and everything in-between. I absolutely adore my roommates, and I don't know what I would do without them. Classes are what's to be expected in college...often boring but not incredibly challenging if you keep up with your assignments (cause you know that your professors almost never remind you, not their responsibility). I will say though, aside from the blessings I have received, if I had to be nit-picky I can find a few silly little things that often rub me the wrong way (not enough to ruin my day mind you, but I either laugh it off or get frustrated). And sadly, the list just keeps on growing...
1. Changing out toilet paper rolls
C'mon! Is it really that hard to replace the roll when you're done? This annoyed me at home when I had to share a bathroom with my sister, but at college? It's not my roommies, in fact I think I know exactly who is to blame...and they're right next door. I almost think this person does it on purpose, I mean I thought it was just common courtesy to change something as simple and little as a toilet paper roll, but apparently I was mistaken.
2. Excessive noise or laughter after 10pm
This is a problem that reoccurs almost every night. Why on earth would you want to strut up and down the hallways at night talking, laughing, and (generally) being stupid (obnoxious, irritating, annoying, infuriating, ect.) between the hours of 10:30pm all the way up to 2:00am. The walls are pretty thin (surprisingly...wouldn't expect that from cinder block) and traipsing up and down the halls at indecent hours is pretty thoughtless of the countless other students (oh, i don't know...probably around 35-40 girls) who have various exams and classes that begin as early as 8am. Let's do a little math shall we? If the typical girl wears make-up, does her hair, showers, eats breakfast, and does the typical basic hygiene (which should be required for guys...not too difficult to brush one's teeth, put on deodorant, wash one's face, ect.) than lets say most females take anywhere from 30 minutes up to 2 hours to get ready. Saying that on a particular Monday most students attend an 8am class could suggest that any female on my hallway has the chance of waking up around 6am to prepare for class. Take that number and cut a few hours out for noisy disturbances and that significantly decreases the number of girls on my hall (not running up and down the hall of course) that get at least 8 hours of sleep.
3. Laundry
I listed laundry as a pet peeve in itself mainly because of the way some females on the hallway I live treat the act of doing laundry in general. I cannot stand the fact that if you deposit 4 of your own hard-earned quarters into the washer, or especially the dryer, that there is a very high probability that when you return to collect your clothes you will find a strangers clothes keeping yours company. I know that I'm not alone in this sentiment, as my roommies have both expressed to me their chagrin at having one person or another sticking their laundry where it doesn't belong. Not as horrible as the thievery of precious washer/dryer space, my other laundry scruple is not paying attention to your laundry. When you insert your money the wonderfully technologically advanced machine that washes and dries your clothes displays a timer. The timer is specially placed so that you know how long your clothes have until they are done. If you don't watch your clothes and the four machines available fill up, the line for laundry can get backed up very quickly. Not very fun for any party involved.
Overall having 3 college pet peeves is not a big inconvenience, however, keep in mind that originally I only had one (the big scary girls who walk up and down the hall and keep everyone who can't fall asleep like a narcoleptic). I suppose these annoyances are not life-threatening and life will always be full of the small things that specifically irritate certain people. All I can say is that as long as no one constantly whines to others about them, life's little "woes" will probably never be overrated.
1. Changing out toilet paper rolls
C'mon! Is it really that hard to replace the roll when you're done? This annoyed me at home when I had to share a bathroom with my sister, but at college? It's not my roommies, in fact I think I know exactly who is to blame...and they're right next door. I almost think this person does it on purpose, I mean I thought it was just common courtesy to change something as simple and little as a toilet paper roll, but apparently I was mistaken.
2. Excessive noise or laughter after 10pm
This is a problem that reoccurs almost every night. Why on earth would you want to strut up and down the hallways at night talking, laughing, and (generally) being stupid (obnoxious, irritating, annoying, infuriating, ect.) between the hours of 10:30pm all the way up to 2:00am. The walls are pretty thin (surprisingly...wouldn't expect that from cinder block) and traipsing up and down the halls at indecent hours is pretty thoughtless of the countless other students (oh, i don't know...probably around 35-40 girls) who have various exams and classes that begin as early as 8am. Let's do a little math shall we? If the typical girl wears make-up, does her hair, showers, eats breakfast, and does the typical basic hygiene (which should be required for guys...not too difficult to brush one's teeth, put on deodorant, wash one's face, ect.) than lets say most females take anywhere from 30 minutes up to 2 hours to get ready. Saying that on a particular Monday most students attend an 8am class could suggest that any female on my hallway has the chance of waking up around 6am to prepare for class. Take that number and cut a few hours out for noisy disturbances and that significantly decreases the number of girls on my hall (not running up and down the hall of course) that get at least 8 hours of sleep.
3. Laundry
I listed laundry as a pet peeve in itself mainly because of the way some females on the hallway I live treat the act of doing laundry in general. I cannot stand the fact that if you deposit 4 of your own hard-earned quarters into the washer, or especially the dryer, that there is a very high probability that when you return to collect your clothes you will find a strangers clothes keeping yours company. I know that I'm not alone in this sentiment, as my roommies have both expressed to me their chagrin at having one person or another sticking their laundry where it doesn't belong. Not as horrible as the thievery of precious washer/dryer space, my other laundry scruple is not paying attention to your laundry. When you insert your money the wonderfully technologically advanced machine that washes and dries your clothes displays a timer. The timer is specially placed so that you know how long your clothes have until they are done. If you don't watch your clothes and the four machines available fill up, the line for laundry can get backed up very quickly. Not very fun for any party involved.
Overall having 3 college pet peeves is not a big inconvenience, however, keep in mind that originally I only had one (the big scary girls who walk up and down the hall and keep everyone who can't fall asleep like a narcoleptic). I suppose these annoyances are not life-threatening and life will always be full of the small things that specifically irritate certain people. All I can say is that as long as no one constantly whines to others about them, life's little "woes" will probably never be overrated.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Natural Sweaters
Who doesn't enjoy a good sweater every now and then? Haven't you ever been getting ready for a formal event and while adjusting your gown say aloud, "Man, I look amazing but I think this dress would look even more stunning with a sweater."? Or when your date arrives to pick you up in his freshly washed soccer-mom van, did you ever catch yourself staring into his recently shaved face and thinking, "He sure cleans up nice. Now if only he was wearing a sweater vest...".
Sweaters in this world come in all shapes, sizes, patterns, and prints. In fact, in this great nation, you have the luxury of enjoying sweaters ranging from vests, turtlenecks, checkered, plaid, pull-over, button-up, woolen, cashmere, knitted, too big, too tight, or even the occasional ugly Christmas sweater (very festive). Amidst the many opportunities there are to clad yourself in one of these wonderful garments, what I have just described are "natural sweaters". However, there is an injustice being preformed daily by pet owners everywhere that is inexcusable, simply unnatural, and what can only be described as a crime against nature...sweaters for dogs.
Really? I don't see the appeal there whatsoever. In fact, oftentimes dog sweaters appear to be torture devices or ways to punish your unruly animal. Dogs are gifted with a wonderful thing called "fur" (heard of it?) where it keeps their otherwise naked little bodies warm. Now hairless dogs look so pathetic that making them wear a body-tube-like-object and calling it a sweater can only improve their looks. But for the other 98% of canines out there, enough is enough. No, sweaters, raincoats, hats, boots, and dresses on dogs are not "cute".
It's a waste of money. Sure "Mr. Wiggles" your labradoodle might look "adorable" in his coat and tie...but does Mr. Wiggles think he looks adorable? Mr. Wiggles wishes you had saved your money. In fact, if he could, I'm sure Mr. Wiggles would have no qualm tearing off his new clothes and go running (and screaming if capable) out the front door...never to be heard of again. Or you might be hearing from his lawyer...or just PETA (which is worse in my opinion).
Oh, so you bought your dog clothes so they could stay warm in the winter? Well, for starters if it's that cold bring your animal inside at night, or during the day if necessary. You can't really have bought your dog an entire wardrobe of sweaters so that when he goes outside to do his business that he would be "comfortable". I'm sure your pet won't die in that 1-5 minute window in which he goes outside to relieve himself. In fact, the cold might even be the motivation little "Fifi" needs to hurry up and go.
In essence, sweaters are a beautiful thing when worn by people. Dogs are NOT people. They have their own natural sweaters that are much more attractive than those hideous things sold at the store that are supposedly "pet friendly". Oh, and Halloween costumes do not count. I happen to think that dressing your animal up to reflect a little bit of cuteness through a costume is slightly weird but ok. I mean, people dress their babies up for Halloween and that's kinda like dressing up a dog. I mean in essence they do the same things (cry, poop, eat, and sleep).
Just remember, dog sweaters are an unnatural occurrence that should not be continued. In fact, I find dressing up pets in sweaters to be horribly overrated and makes the sweaters sad. Don't make a sweater cry today. Save the sweaters for the people.
Sweaters in this world come in all shapes, sizes, patterns, and prints. In fact, in this great nation, you have the luxury of enjoying sweaters ranging from vests, turtlenecks, checkered, plaid, pull-over, button-up, woolen, cashmere, knitted, too big, too tight, or even the occasional ugly Christmas sweater (very festive). Amidst the many opportunities there are to clad yourself in one of these wonderful garments, what I have just described are "natural sweaters". However, there is an injustice being preformed daily by pet owners everywhere that is inexcusable, simply unnatural, and what can only be described as a crime against nature...sweaters for dogs.
Really? I don't see the appeal there whatsoever. In fact, oftentimes dog sweaters appear to be torture devices or ways to punish your unruly animal. Dogs are gifted with a wonderful thing called "fur" (heard of it?) where it keeps their otherwise naked little bodies warm. Now hairless dogs look so pathetic that making them wear a body-tube-like-object and calling it a sweater can only improve their looks. But for the other 98% of canines out there, enough is enough. No, sweaters, raincoats, hats, boots, and dresses on dogs are not "cute".
It's a waste of money. Sure "Mr. Wiggles" your labradoodle might look "adorable" in his coat and tie...but does Mr. Wiggles think he looks adorable? Mr. Wiggles wishes you had saved your money. In fact, if he could, I'm sure Mr. Wiggles would have no qualm tearing off his new clothes and go running (and screaming if capable) out the front door...never to be heard of again. Or you might be hearing from his lawyer...or just PETA (which is worse in my opinion).
Oh, so you bought your dog clothes so they could stay warm in the winter? Well, for starters if it's that cold bring your animal inside at night, or during the day if necessary. You can't really have bought your dog an entire wardrobe of sweaters so that when he goes outside to do his business that he would be "comfortable". I'm sure your pet won't die in that 1-5 minute window in which he goes outside to relieve himself. In fact, the cold might even be the motivation little "Fifi" needs to hurry up and go.
In essence, sweaters are a beautiful thing when worn by people. Dogs are NOT people. They have their own natural sweaters that are much more attractive than those hideous things sold at the store that are supposedly "pet friendly". Oh, and Halloween costumes do not count. I happen to think that dressing your animal up to reflect a little bit of cuteness through a costume is slightly weird but ok. I mean, people dress their babies up for Halloween and that's kinda like dressing up a dog. I mean in essence they do the same things (cry, poop, eat, and sleep).
Just remember, dog sweaters are an unnatural occurrence that should not be continued. In fact, I find dressing up pets in sweaters to be horribly overrated and makes the sweaters sad. Don't make a sweater cry today. Save the sweaters for the people.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Valentine's Day
If told with pictures, February 14th could be described with hearts, public declarations of love (G rated of course), overpriced dinner receipts, and the occasional crying girl who was dumped on or prior to Valentine's Day. While the love birds in the world were made to romantically thrive on this potentially "wonderful and magical" Monday that this "holiday of lovers" falls on in 2011, where does that leave the singles? I'm sure single males don't give this day a second thought, I mean c'mon...who pays for the over-sized stuff animals, bouquets of flowers, boxes of candy, and expensive meals? The real question is what about those poor single females out there who have no man to call their own? Where are their flowers and free dinners at fancy restaurants?
The solution is simple, Valentine's Day should officially become Single's Awareness Day. This is not an opportunity to look-down-on, pity, or make-fun-of those females (and I suppose the sensitive males out there) who are unattached. Instead this is an invitation for the couples out there to give a gift, kind word, coupon book, ect. to those out there who are amazing and single. Being single isn't a curse, it's a blessing. At least that's what the APOSTLE Paul said (you know, that guy in the Bible).
I mean, what exactly is the big deal about Valentine's Day? You spend an evening with your "special someone" (or in some cases your multiple someones...polygamists out there, you know who I'm talking about) where the man usually spends quite a bit of money on pointless, sentimental junk and then everyone goes home (not going into detail...). How exactly is that so special? Why not set aside a day or two per month for a glorified date (basically what Valentine's Day is)? If you show the one(s) you love daily how much you care about them, then why is Valentine's Day needed?
I guess Valentine's Day is necessary in order to show your "one-and-only" the true of extent of your devotion for them through the purchasing of...stuff.
1. Flowers
Usually roses, but all types of flowers are seen flying off the stands on Valentine's Day. I don't understand what this exactly says that could be seen as remotely romantic.
"These flowers are a symbol of our love."
Really now? Cause I'm pretty sure those "love flowers" will be dead in a week. Some love.
"You are as fragrant and lovely as these roses."
And when they wilt, it will be a reminder of how one day you'll smell and looks will wither. Happy aging.
2. Candy
This gift is usually given through the traditional box of chocolates (cause life is like a box of...never mind). So does this mean that giving the gift of empty calories is considered romantic? Call me morbid, but it sounds to me that by giving your sweetheart a cute little box filled with chocolate is a warning sign that you're being fattened up...Hansel and Grettel come to mind. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.
3. Cards
Do you really need a card with a love declaration written on it to remember that you are loved? In that case maybe you really deserve this holiday.
In any case, this all goes to say that holidays that are devoted to mushy-gushy displays of love, the "spendage of funds", and making the single peeps out there feel lonely/left-out by all of the commercialism, hype, and publicity that they get are super lame. Oh...and so overrated that I may puke when the day finally comes around. If it weren't for my roomie's wonderful birthday celebration on Valentine's Day, February 14th would just be another day on my calendar.
The solution is simple, Valentine's Day should officially become Single's Awareness Day. This is not an opportunity to look-down-on, pity, or make-fun-of those females (and I suppose the sensitive males out there) who are unattached. Instead this is an invitation for the couples out there to give a gift, kind word, coupon book, ect. to those out there who are amazing and single. Being single isn't a curse, it's a blessing. At least that's what the APOSTLE Paul said (you know, that guy in the Bible).
I mean, what exactly is the big deal about Valentine's Day? You spend an evening with your "special someone" (or in some cases your multiple someones...polygamists out there, you know who I'm talking about) where the man usually spends quite a bit of money on pointless, sentimental junk and then everyone goes home (not going into detail...). How exactly is that so special? Why not set aside a day or two per month for a glorified date (basically what Valentine's Day is)? If you show the one(s) you love daily how much you care about them, then why is Valentine's Day needed?
I guess Valentine's Day is necessary in order to show your "one-and-only" the true of extent of your devotion for them through the purchasing of...stuff.
1. Flowers
Usually roses, but all types of flowers are seen flying off the stands on Valentine's Day. I don't understand what this exactly says that could be seen as remotely romantic.
"These flowers are a symbol of our love."
Really now? Cause I'm pretty sure those "love flowers" will be dead in a week. Some love.
"You are as fragrant and lovely as these roses."
And when they wilt, it will be a reminder of how one day you'll smell and looks will wither. Happy aging.
2. Candy
This gift is usually given through the traditional box of chocolates (cause life is like a box of...never mind). So does this mean that giving the gift of empty calories is considered romantic? Call me morbid, but it sounds to me that by giving your sweetheart a cute little box filled with chocolate is a warning sign that you're being fattened up...Hansel and Grettel come to mind. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.
3. Cards
Do you really need a card with a love declaration written on it to remember that you are loved? In that case maybe you really deserve this holiday.
In any case, this all goes to say that holidays that are devoted to mushy-gushy displays of love, the "spendage of funds", and making the single peeps out there feel lonely/left-out by all of the commercialism, hype, and publicity that they get are super lame. Oh...and so overrated that I may puke when the day finally comes around. If it weren't for my roomie's wonderful birthday celebration on Valentine's Day, February 14th would just be another day on my calendar.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
The "Non-Gay Gay" Friend
I'm not too sure how many people have one of these, they might in fact be quite rare (like unicorns, jack-a-lopes, a forest haunted by General Sherman, or a roommate under 5'2''). For arguments sake, let's assume that not many people have not heard of this particular type of acquaintance, and let's begin with an overall description.
The "non-gay gay" friend is referred to as such because of his blatantly gay behavior at times, however...he is not known as the "gay friend" because of his obvious infatuation with girls. This might even earn him nicknames such as "the creep", "the creeper", "the insert his name here", "the fruitcake/fruit loop", or "Steve/any other random guy name so that you can talk about him blatantly in front of him and he'll never know".
What does a "non-gay gay" friend look like?
Well, I'm very glad you asked. Each gay-imitation friend (or at time acquaintance) has the potential to look very different from other "non-gay gays". That being said, you can find a range of any of these characteristics in a "n-g g" (non-gay gay...in case you haven't figured that out yet).
- poor vision
This trait could mean that your "n-g g" wears glasses or contacts, squints quite a bit, has abnormally small eyes, or even has dyslexia (nothing against the dyslexic community, I am vrey fnod of yuo poeple)
- extremely short or extremely tall
I don't know why exactly, but I have never seen a "n-g g" average in height. I don't know if this is a qualification to be a "n-g g", but apparently they only are found at opposite ends of the height spectrum.
- overly flirtatious with women
As I mentioned earlier, the largest key factor that enables this person to be considered "non-gay" is not their love for being feminine but for females in general. This is shown by each "n-g g" in his own way. The most common tip-offs for this intense and slightly creepy fascination for the female race can be seen by the use of pet names (sweetie, sweet-cheeks, doll-face, and any other sickeningly absurd name), staring, following/stalking (low key of course), demanding hugs in awkward ways (standing directly in one's path, opening their arms and walking towards another, ect.), and flirting with any remotely feminine individual in a 2 mile radius.
- extreme regard for their appearance
Whether they are attractive or not, the amount of hair product, wardrobe choices (such as extreme peppiness or what they think looks "hot"), and time spent talking about themselves to others definitely speaks of a metro-sexual lifestyle. For most of these individuals they believe that they are God's gift to women, and women want/connect with/confide in/find comfort in them. Not saying that these guys view themselves as players, but they can be overconfident of their looks (ex. rate as a 4 out of 10 but believe themselves to be anywhere in the 7-10 range) and extremely selfish and childish.
- awkward behaivor
While these individuals may have friends, they are distinct and separate from their comrades at all times because of the situations that only they can produce. This might be in the form of getting sun-burnt knees, being overly dramatic at everyday occurrences, listening to strictly female artists or Broadway musicals, being a red-head, or believing themselves to be good dancers when this is not the case.
Now, being a "n-g g" is not always a bad thing. Oftentimes it just signifies that the individual in question needs anywhere from 1-23 years to finish maturing as a man. Giving a "n-g g" time to mature can be a rough process for the people around him, but in the long-run will usually transform them from a "non-gay gay" to an ordinary guy with an actual chance of marrying someday. So give it some time. Those "n-g g" friends/acquaintances of yours could actually surprise you. However, if they seem set in their ways and do not appear to want to change anytime soon, you should just causally remind your friend/acquaintance that living as a "n-g g" for an extended period of time (3 years or more) is rather lonely and INCREDIBLY overrated.
The "non-gay gay" friend is referred to as such because of his blatantly gay behavior at times, however...he is not known as the "gay friend" because of his obvious infatuation with girls. This might even earn him nicknames such as "the creep", "the creeper", "the insert his name here", "the fruitcake/fruit loop", or "Steve/any other random guy name so that you can talk about him blatantly in front of him and he'll never know".
What does a "non-gay gay" friend look like?
Well, I'm very glad you asked. Each gay-imitation friend (or at time acquaintance) has the potential to look very different from other "non-gay gays". That being said, you can find a range of any of these characteristics in a "n-g g" (non-gay gay...in case you haven't figured that out yet).
- poor vision
This trait could mean that your "n-g g" wears glasses or contacts, squints quite a bit, has abnormally small eyes, or even has dyslexia (nothing against the dyslexic community, I am vrey fnod of yuo poeple)
- extremely short or extremely tall
I don't know why exactly, but I have never seen a "n-g g" average in height. I don't know if this is a qualification to be a "n-g g", but apparently they only are found at opposite ends of the height spectrum.
- overly flirtatious with women
As I mentioned earlier, the largest key factor that enables this person to be considered "non-gay" is not their love for being feminine but for females in general. This is shown by each "n-g g" in his own way. The most common tip-offs for this intense and slightly creepy fascination for the female race can be seen by the use of pet names (sweetie, sweet-cheeks, doll-face, and any other sickeningly absurd name), staring, following/stalking (low key of course), demanding hugs in awkward ways (standing directly in one's path, opening their arms and walking towards another, ect.), and flirting with any remotely feminine individual in a 2 mile radius.
- extreme regard for their appearance
Whether they are attractive or not, the amount of hair product, wardrobe choices (such as extreme peppiness or what they think looks "hot"), and time spent talking about themselves to others definitely speaks of a metro-sexual lifestyle. For most of these individuals they believe that they are God's gift to women, and women want/connect with/confide in/find comfort in them. Not saying that these guys view themselves as players, but they can be overconfident of their looks (ex. rate as a 4 out of 10 but believe themselves to be anywhere in the 7-10 range) and extremely selfish and childish.
- awkward behaivor
While these individuals may have friends, they are distinct and separate from their comrades at all times because of the situations that only they can produce. This might be in the form of getting sun-burnt knees, being overly dramatic at everyday occurrences, listening to strictly female artists or Broadway musicals, being a red-head, or believing themselves to be good dancers when this is not the case.
Now, being a "n-g g" is not always a bad thing. Oftentimes it just signifies that the individual in question needs anywhere from 1-23 years to finish maturing as a man. Giving a "n-g g" time to mature can be a rough process for the people around him, but in the long-run will usually transform them from a "non-gay gay" to an ordinary guy with an actual chance of marrying someday. So give it some time. Those "n-g g" friends/acquaintances of yours could actually surprise you. However, if they seem set in their ways and do not appear to want to change anytime soon, you should just causally remind your friend/acquaintance that living as a "n-g g" for an extended period of time (3 years or more) is rather lonely and INCREDIBLY overrated.
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