Not too long ago I read Dante's Inferno for one of my English classes in high school. Until I actually read the book I thought that the whole title was Dante's Inferno, but as it turns out the book (one of three I am told) is titled Inferno by the author Dante (who would've guessed right?). Aside from that brief lapse in brain function, I found that the book overall was quite enjoyable in a morbid sort of way. For those who have not read the book, briefly explained Dante is a poet in the 14th century who creates this allegorical poem called The Divine Comedy in three parts...Inferno (hell), Purgatorio (purgatory), and Paradiso (paradise). Basically in the Inferno, Dante journeys through the "9 circles of hell" (not correct at all, I know but it's not really supposed to be) and encounters sinners suffering different punishments in each circle according to the sin they committed on earth. I believe that much of it is ironic in the sense that Dante places popes, biblical figures (like Potipher's wife and Judas), and historical figures (like Brutus...the guy who kinda stabbed Caesar) in hell.
This being said, after our class finished reading the book, our assignment was to pick a person/group of people to place in a circle of hell (Dante's circles or imaginary) and describe their eternal punishment in an essay. As I mentioned, yes it was a bit morbid but most of my classmates chose to embalm their papers with humor and comical (but severe) punishments. We placed people in Dante's Inferno that included violent cinematographers, the creators of Little Caesar's pizza, Adam Richman from Man vs. Food (for gluttony...duh), and (my personal favorite) the high school band director (for several reasons that time just doesn't permit me to go into...your loss). So, what's the point of this incredibly long explanation? Basically, after a long morning of classes I think (based on some of the scholarly injustices of many students and educators on campus) that I would like to create my own Inferno of academic proportions. I'll try and be as blunt (but still gracious) as my filter-less brain
permits.
My Academic Inferno includes 5 circles (why attempt to perfect 9? Dante's been there, done that...oh, and remember the further we go the worse the crime/punishment):
Circle 1: The Unprepared Students
This circle encompasses those students who aren't physically and mentally ready for college. These students are distinctly recognizable in various ways. These degree-hopefuls are never prepared for class, whether they neglect their homework, sleep in or forget to attend class (by the way, the STUPIDEST reason to fail a class is by having too many absences...most classes allow at least 10), forget to shave the emerging beards off their puberty encrusted chins, or don't bring the necessary supplies (ie. pencil and paper) for note taking and are constantly haggling their fellow classmates for their own stock of writing utensils and sheets of processed trees (felt that paper could be described in a more poetic way...sorry).
Punishment:
Each student (or professor, you never know) who gets placed in this circle will be forced to attempt to complete 158 essays (by hand, 20,000 words a piece) on arbitrary subjects they know little about. To further this punishment, each person will have a broken pencil, half-a-sheet of paper to complete the 158 essays on, and will continuously beg for more time/paper/pencils/food/water from each other. However, seeing as how none of them have any resources to speak of, they will slowly waste away in misery and most will eventually go mad, but will be unable to die. (sorry it's a bit harsh...it has to be a little uncouth to fully embody the spirit of Dante)
Circle 2: The Dull Lecturers
This circle, while appearing as a mere inconvenience, is actually full of horrible individuals. Many a student will fail a course because of failure to grasp material preached by a dull professor or because monotone lecturers lure college-goers into a slumber that ensures that they sleep through the course material being taught. Many poor orators will claim that they did cover the required topics and have no idea as to how that many young adults failed his/her class. However, part of the educators job is to attempt (at least once or twice) to capture the audience's attention...part of what students pay for in their outrageous (and rapidly rising) tuition prices (after all) includes at least a portion of their salaries.
The Punishment:
The dull educators who constantly bore and drone on to their students will be forced to sit in a lecture hall. They will be sensory deprived with blindfolds over their eyes, socks on hands and feet, and will believe that they are alone. They will spend eternity sitting in extremely cushy chairs listening to recordings of themselves droning on and on. If they fall asleep they will be given an electric shock, similar to the voltage of a small cattle prod.
Circle 3: The Immodest Dressers
Next we have those individuals who don't know how to dress themselves. Mostly this is girls who decide that leggings are pants (not attractive), wear lowcut tops (sorry, but no one should see that), and wear clothes 2 sizes too small (NO ONE wants to see that). And if guys don't wear belts with saggy pants they might just find themselves in this circle of the Academic Inferno as well.
Punishment:
The punishment is simple...those in this circle will be wearing clothing that will constantly constrict. At first this will be a breathing hindrance, but as eternity draws out the constriction of the clothes will break bones but these rule-breakers will be unable to die. If only they had covered up.
Circle 4: Selfish Hall Mates/Dorm Dwellers
This circle I hold near and dear to my heart...for personal reasons. The felons belonging to this circle are those individuals who parade up and down the hallway between the hours of 10pm to 2am making noise, screaming, singing (rather poorly), and yelling obscenities. I can think of two large offenders who live on my hallway who fit perfectly into this category. If they were less intimidating to behold I'm sure someone would have done something about them by now. I also include certain dorm room deviants with the selfish hall mates. These students are the ones who constantly hog the bathroom and shower 2 times a day (not necessarily a bad thing unless it is done so in the middle of the day and after 10:30pm at night...rather LOUD and obnoxious sounding showers).
Punishment:
This punishment is divided into two sections, each for the two groups of individuals found suffering within this circle (selfish hall mates and the dorm dwellers). The selfish girls who would be parading the halls at indecent hours will be forced to run for eternity down a never-ending hallway in high heels that are 4 sizes too small. Their motivation to keep running? An acidic tidal wave will be forever chasing them, and if the wave overwhelms them then the individual will be scalded beyond recognition and must lie there until their bodies regenerate (roughly 13 minutes). Not too pretty. The second section of this punishment will be for the shower hoggers. The students who spent too much time in the shower will spend eternity in a scalding hot shower, constantly burning them but they will be unable to escape. (whoa, these punishments sound extremely dark...sorry 'bout that)
Circle 5: Unfair Educators
This group of professors is the epitome of every college student's frustrations and anger. These individuals will grade subjectively, create a torrent of non-relinquishing assignments due right before exams, or will include test questions not found in the student's notes. Yes, college students should be mature and responsible enough to keep up with their work, but that does not give an educator to act like their course is the only one students take.
Punishment:
These offenders will be wearing meat ponchos and must run from hungry wolves for all of eternity. (I know this is where I am supposed to come up with some witty symbolism as to what the wolves represent and why their punishment is just, but honestly...this is something I've seen on quite a few commercials lately) Bon appetite.
While most of these...ok, all of these punishments are harsh and could be considered as cruel and unusual punishment let me clarify something. This is not REAL. This was a way for different academic crimes to be put into perspective in a Dante-inspired fashion. I quite enjoyed myself at times and I would honestly not wish this on anyone...no matter how horrible and annoying others in the college world can be. We are, after all only human. And ANYONE who thinks that I am whining in this fictional commentary...are kinda right, but for now I will simply label those "haters" as pretty terrifically overrated.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
According to Google
Have you ever been so bored (or avoiding work/studying/watching your kids...ect.) that you find yourself on the internet just perusing websites? As of ten minutes ago my wanderings led me to Google, the mother-load of all things "searchable". Because of the inspirational Justin Bieber Valentine I received tonight, I felt led to type in his name and see what the world thought of him. The results were pretty entertaining and I took it from there...
Google Search: Justin Bieber is...
Prompts/Results: Justin Bieber is gay (debatable)
51 (make-up is a marvelous and magical thing)
dead (...Bieber undead fever?)
a girl (just because he sings like one)
a gay baby (my favorite)
ugly (to each her own)
fake (hope not, who would little girls cry about?)
Google Search: Justin Bieber needs to...
Prompts/Results: Justin Bieber needs to die (that's not very nice)
pee (at some point)
go away (from...?)
hit puberty (AMEN)
be shot (flu shot, tetanus shot, H1N1?)
Switching gears...
Google Search: Miley Cyrus eats...
Prompts/Results: Miley Cyrus eats cats (Chinese food? Mr. Whiskers?)
meat (what? she's a vegetarianism)
puppies (Korean food? Fluffy?)
you (RUN FOR YOU LIFE!)
a baby (so I guess babysitting is out of the question...)
Google Search: Why is my...
Prompts/Results: Why is my eye twitching
poop green (PLEASE see a doctor)
dog staring at me (he has the rumblies that only hands can satisfy?)
internet so slow (blame your parents, school, or computer)
dog throwing up (hands didn't agree with him?)
hair falling out (you're married, have kids, your dog just ate hands)
Google Search: My head is...
Prompts/Results: My head is stuck in the clouds (does she begs you to come down?)
bloody but unbound (HOSPITAL)
itchy (lice, dandruff, cheap wig...?)
full of pretty lumps (lovely lady lumps? lumps of oatmeal or coal?)
too big (well DUH. I mean look at your melon-headed children)
heavy (see "too big")
Scared yet? Well...suffice it to say that my curiosity and bored tendencies tonight have been quelled/squashed/put to rest. Google is a magical thing and provides lots of opinions and knowledge, but be careful. Remember, with great power comes great...nah. That quote is just plain overrated.
Google Search: Justin Bieber is...
Prompts/Results: Justin Bieber is gay (debatable)
51 (make-up is a marvelous and magical thing)
dead (...Bieber undead fever?)
a girl (just because he sings like one)
a gay baby (my favorite)
ugly (to each her own)
fake (hope not, who would little girls cry about?)
Google Search: Justin Bieber needs to...
Prompts/Results: Justin Bieber needs to die (that's not very nice)
pee (at some point)
go away (from...?)
hit puberty (AMEN)
be shot (flu shot, tetanus shot, H1N1?)
Switching gears...
Google Search: Miley Cyrus eats...
Prompts/Results: Miley Cyrus eats cats (Chinese food? Mr. Whiskers?)
meat (what? she's a vegetarianism)
puppies (Korean food? Fluffy?)
you (RUN FOR YOU LIFE!)
a baby (so I guess babysitting is out of the question...)
Google Search: Why is my...
Prompts/Results: Why is my eye twitching
poop green (PLEASE see a doctor)
dog staring at me (he has the rumblies that only hands can satisfy?)
internet so slow (blame your parents, school, or computer)
dog throwing up (hands didn't agree with him?)
hair falling out (you're married, have kids, your dog just ate hands)
Google Search: My head is...
Prompts/Results: My head is stuck in the clouds (does she begs you to come down?)
bloody but unbound (HOSPITAL)
itchy (lice, dandruff, cheap wig...?)
full of pretty lumps (lovely lady lumps? lumps of oatmeal or coal?)
too big (well DUH. I mean look at your melon-headed children)
heavy (see "too big")
Scared yet? Well...suffice it to say that my curiosity and bored tendencies tonight have been quelled/squashed/put to rest. Google is a magical thing and provides lots of opinions and knowledge, but be careful. Remember, with great power comes great...nah. That quote is just plain overrated.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Zombie 101
Last night I got less than 6 hours of sleep. I know, college student, they never sleep so "big whoop" right? WRONG. It ruined my morning. Ok...maybe not ruined, wouldn't want to be melodramatic now would we? Let's just say it made my morning very interesting.
7 am - I crawl out of bed like a beached whale (Lets just say I didn't die, but I felt close to death...Oh and I know what you're thinking, "Beached whales can't crawl, they wash up on the beach and die if not returned to the ocean in an hour or less". Well, if whales had bigger flippers, smaller torsos, and could breathe oxygen then they would have resembled what I appeared to do this morning. Don't judge me).
7:40 am - After getting ready I lurch (very zombie-like) to the library so I can print out an English paper. Silly little me did not know the library did not open until 7:45 am. The librarian looked at me through the glass and attempted a numeric sign-language to let me know that I would have to wait. I actually figured out that I had to wait 5 minutes by reading the sign on the front of the door. Nice try librarian. Oh, and did I mention the stoic and very unfriendly expression I wore on my face? Yeah...it wasn't very nice, but for some reason I just couldn't motivate the muscles residing in my face to do anything this morning (who knew face muscles needed sleep too?)
7:45 am - After 5 of the longest minutes of my life I am finally let into the library (did I mention that it was cold and wet outside?). I was a bit upset after wasting 5 minutes of my life.
8 am - I am sitting in my Biology class, very tired, and then I begin to make a list at everything that was rubbing me the wrong way (the list was getting longer by the minute). For starters, a random girl sat next to me, taking the seat of a friend of mine who has sat in the same seat since the beginning of the semester (oh, about 4 weeks ago). Let's see...oh, and she was texting in her lap, which for some reason really annoyed me (lets say it was the sound, or it could have been that she was staring into her crotch and smiling...not obvious at all...). The list continued to grow as the class continued to drag on, and on, and on, and on, and...it was killing me.
9 am - I discover that my English class is canceled, which improves my mood until I realize that I don't have enough time to take a nap...bummer.
10 am - I walk from the dorm to my Psychology class (2 minutes...how intense) where I sit in an auditorium with 40 other freshman (plus an annoyingly opinionated 40-something year old) and try not to fall asleep. Guess what we were talking about...oh yeah, sleep. Aside from dreams and the psyche, the main focus actually became sleep deprivation. Interesting. In addition, one of the symptoms includes irritability...me, sleep deprived? No...apparently college kids need a (recommended) total of 11 hours of sleep a night, not sure where all that time can be found though.
11 am - Ate lunch...blah blah blah. Took an online test for Computer Science...blah blah. Lab...oh crap, a nap would have to wait.
1:30 pm - I was a bit more alert at this point, but participating in a lab where we decapitated a tulip and cut open an apple, pear, piece of celery, a bean, and a kernel of corn does little to stimulate the mind.
After returning to the room I actually didn't nap until 4 pm...and when I woke up an hour later with the longest dream I've ever had still fresh in my mind I felt like a zombie again (the bloodshot eyes came with the static facial expression). If anyone needs some lessons on how to be undead, the best recommendation I have would be to drink caffeine around 10 pm, lie in bed for 2ish hours, fall into a fitful sleep between 1-2 am, and then attempt to leave their covers 5 hours later. Trust me, they might even win an Oscar or motivate villagers to seek shelter in an attempt to keep (what little) brain matter they posses to themselves.
Let's just say that my hope for tonight is that I can fall asleep before 12 am, and I can proudly say that I clocked in a solid 8-9 hours of slumber so that tomorrow's art appreciation class isn't met with the same amount of cynicism that today was privy to. Remember boys a girls, a good night's sleep may be hard to come by, but it is certainly never going to be overrated (unlike Justin Bieber, snuggies, and those individuals who shower midday or 20 minutes before classes start...not cool).
7 am - I crawl out of bed like a beached whale (Lets just say I didn't die, but I felt close to death...Oh and I know what you're thinking, "Beached whales can't crawl, they wash up on the beach and die if not returned to the ocean in an hour or less". Well, if whales had bigger flippers, smaller torsos, and could breathe oxygen then they would have resembled what I appeared to do this morning. Don't judge me).
7:40 am - After getting ready I lurch (very zombie-like) to the library so I can print out an English paper. Silly little me did not know the library did not open until 7:45 am. The librarian looked at me through the glass and attempted a numeric sign-language to let me know that I would have to wait. I actually figured out that I had to wait 5 minutes by reading the sign on the front of the door. Nice try librarian. Oh, and did I mention the stoic and very unfriendly expression I wore on my face? Yeah...it wasn't very nice, but for some reason I just couldn't motivate the muscles residing in my face to do anything this morning (who knew face muscles needed sleep too?)
7:45 am - After 5 of the longest minutes of my life I am finally let into the library (did I mention that it was cold and wet outside?). I was a bit upset after wasting 5 minutes of my life.
8 am - I am sitting in my Biology class, very tired, and then I begin to make a list at everything that was rubbing me the wrong way (the list was getting longer by the minute). For starters, a random girl sat next to me, taking the seat of a friend of mine who has sat in the same seat since the beginning of the semester (oh, about 4 weeks ago). Let's see...oh, and she was texting in her lap, which for some reason really annoyed me (lets say it was the sound, or it could have been that she was staring into her crotch and smiling...not obvious at all...). The list continued to grow as the class continued to drag on, and on, and on, and on, and...it was killing me.
9 am - I discover that my English class is canceled, which improves my mood until I realize that I don't have enough time to take a nap...bummer.
10 am - I walk from the dorm to my Psychology class (2 minutes...how intense) where I sit in an auditorium with 40 other freshman (plus an annoyingly opinionated 40-something year old) and try not to fall asleep. Guess what we were talking about...oh yeah, sleep. Aside from dreams and the psyche, the main focus actually became sleep deprivation. Interesting. In addition, one of the symptoms includes irritability...me, sleep deprived? No...apparently college kids need a (recommended) total of 11 hours of sleep a night, not sure where all that time can be found though.
11 am - Ate lunch...blah blah blah. Took an online test for Computer Science...blah blah. Lab...oh crap, a nap would have to wait.
1:30 pm - I was a bit more alert at this point, but participating in a lab where we decapitated a tulip and cut open an apple, pear, piece of celery, a bean, and a kernel of corn does little to stimulate the mind.
After returning to the room I actually didn't nap until 4 pm...and when I woke up an hour later with the longest dream I've ever had still fresh in my mind I felt like a zombie again (the bloodshot eyes came with the static facial expression). If anyone needs some lessons on how to be undead, the best recommendation I have would be to drink caffeine around 10 pm, lie in bed for 2ish hours, fall into a fitful sleep between 1-2 am, and then attempt to leave their covers 5 hours later. Trust me, they might even win an Oscar or motivate villagers to seek shelter in an attempt to keep (what little) brain matter they posses to themselves.
Let's just say that my hope for tonight is that I can fall asleep before 12 am, and I can proudly say that I clocked in a solid 8-9 hours of slumber so that tomorrow's art appreciation class isn't met with the same amount of cynicism that today was privy to. Remember boys a girls, a good night's sleep may be hard to come by, but it is certainly never going to be overrated (unlike Justin Bieber, snuggies, and those individuals who shower midday or 20 minutes before classes start...not cool).
Monday, January 24, 2011
Moonlight Serenade
So last night around 11pm, surprisingly everyone in our room was in bed, granted we were talking and sleep was not discovered for another 20 minutes or so, but nevertheless...it was an impressive feat. While we were lying there one of my roommates and myself saw the shadowed outline of a guy outside our window. Because my third roommie (the little one) couldn't see the window, she freaked out a bit and was trying to rouse me out of bed to bang on the window with an empty wrapping-paper roll. I'm not sure if her intent was to make him go away, get a few laughs out of me looking stupid, or a combination of the two. However, it was soon deducted that he was a love-struck "Romeo" who was throwing pebbles at the room above ours in the hopes of seeing his lady-love before he went beddy-bye. Romantic? A little nauseating, but hey...to each his own.
So what exactly would have happened last night had that hormonal teenager been instead a mysterious creeper on the prowl? Well, the safest and most responsible way to deal with that would have been to call campus security, lock the door, and call it a night. However, if there is one thing I have learned about myself from the 18 years I have toiled away on this earth and by living with 2 other adults it's that I'm not always responsible. If there is a creeper outside my window then I'm going to mess with him for kicks and giggles...I know, pretty mature right?
- Making faces
One of the classic "psych-outs" that I'm sure creeps hate is having one or more girls making grizzly faces at him through a set of roll-up blinds. For added theatrics, a well-positioned flashlight held under the chin or some disturbing sound effects (one of my roommates has gotten very good at these) are sure to send your creeper creeping away at full creep.
- Puppet show
If it appears that the creeper/stalker/masked-murderer outside your window late at night isn't going anywhere anytime soon, why not give him something to enjoy and giggle at? Using painted fingers, spare socks, or little people stapled to an empty wrapping-paper roll I'm sure you can come up with many detailed and award-winning acts to enthrall your uninvited window creep. You could wow him with Shakespearean portrayals of love and betrayal, stage scenes of death and war that would leave him quaking in his sneakers, or even reenact scenes from Mean Girls to enrage to the point where words cannot express his flaming wrath (it's Lindsey Lohan acting, I mean who wouldn't be upset?). The opportunities are endless, and if you play your cards right you might be kept off his "bad list".
- Sacrifice
If he appears relentless on getting something before he leaves, be that a "hello", "I love you", or a dead body from the one he loves, you can always use a little leverage to save your room. Nominate one person in your room or in the neighboring room to be the "sacrifice". You can use criteria such as age, hair color, height, GPA, favorite marine animal, number of friends, ect. My personal favorite is height, because by selecting the shortest person in your room, not only have you raised the average height in your room from 5'6'' to 5'9'', but it is easier to force said sacrifice through your first-floor window (regardless of how much she resists, claws, scratches, screams, and makes wild-animal calls to alert the surrounding room residents who are or under 5'2''). So you lose a roommate...at least you gain a full night's sleep in peace and security. Well worth it in my opinion.
- Distraction
In the case that your creeper/lover-boy/mysterious desperado gets a bit unnerving standing outside yonder window, a good distraction always comes in handy in such instances. Flashing lights from another dorm window, the blaring of music (Celine Dion might just come in handy...for once) in his general direction, the tossing of candy (cookies, old food, hot liquids...what ever is on hand), or even using reverse psychology on him by cracking your window and whispering creepy things (if you haven't sacrificed your midget roommate by now, her weird animal sound effects could come in handy here). In any case, as long as it is blatantly obvious to the creeper outside, anything ought to buy you enough time for him to get distracted (and by default) choose another target to devote his attentions toward.
Basically, if none of the tactics listed above bring you joy, entertainment, and/or rid yourself of your unwanted visitor than maybe being mature and calling security is the best option for you. Hey, I mean we can't all be spontaneous and fun when confronted with an obstacle that stands to rob us of 10-30 minutes of sleep. I'm not saying that unrequited love (at least it appeared unrequited last night) is overrated, on the contrary, I commend the stranger from last night for his diligence. What I AM suggesting is that having fun with creepers/desperados/mysterious men/weirdos/"Romeos" who are all up in your "proverbial grill" after the sun has set is pretty awesome and not in the least bit overrated.
So what exactly would have happened last night had that hormonal teenager been instead a mysterious creeper on the prowl? Well, the safest and most responsible way to deal with that would have been to call campus security, lock the door, and call it a night. However, if there is one thing I have learned about myself from the 18 years I have toiled away on this earth and by living with 2 other adults it's that I'm not always responsible. If there is a creeper outside my window then I'm going to mess with him for kicks and giggles...I know, pretty mature right?
- Making faces
One of the classic "psych-outs" that I'm sure creeps hate is having one or more girls making grizzly faces at him through a set of roll-up blinds. For added theatrics, a well-positioned flashlight held under the chin or some disturbing sound effects (one of my roommates has gotten very good at these) are sure to send your creeper creeping away at full creep.
- Puppet show
If it appears that the creeper/stalker/masked-murderer outside your window late at night isn't going anywhere anytime soon, why not give him something to enjoy and giggle at? Using painted fingers, spare socks, or little people stapled to an empty wrapping-paper roll I'm sure you can come up with many detailed and award-winning acts to enthrall your uninvited window creep. You could wow him with Shakespearean portrayals of love and betrayal, stage scenes of death and war that would leave him quaking in his sneakers, or even reenact scenes from Mean Girls to enrage to the point where words cannot express his flaming wrath (it's Lindsey Lohan acting, I mean who wouldn't be upset?). The opportunities are endless, and if you play your cards right you might be kept off his "bad list".
- Sacrifice
If he appears relentless on getting something before he leaves, be that a "hello", "I love you", or a dead body from the one he loves, you can always use a little leverage to save your room. Nominate one person in your room or in the neighboring room to be the "sacrifice". You can use criteria such as age, hair color, height, GPA, favorite marine animal, number of friends, ect. My personal favorite is height, because by selecting the shortest person in your room, not only have you raised the average height in your room from 5'6'' to 5'9'', but it is easier to force said sacrifice through your first-floor window (regardless of how much she resists, claws, scratches, screams, and makes wild-animal calls to alert the surrounding room residents who are or under 5'2''). So you lose a roommate...at least you gain a full night's sleep in peace and security. Well worth it in my opinion.
- Distraction
In the case that your creeper/lover-boy/mysterious desperado gets a bit unnerving standing outside yonder window, a good distraction always comes in handy in such instances. Flashing lights from another dorm window, the blaring of music (Celine Dion might just come in handy...for once) in his general direction, the tossing of candy (cookies, old food, hot liquids...what ever is on hand), or even using reverse psychology on him by cracking your window and whispering creepy things (if you haven't sacrificed your midget roommate by now, her weird animal sound effects could come in handy here). In any case, as long as it is blatantly obvious to the creeper outside, anything ought to buy you enough time for him to get distracted (and by default) choose another target to devote his attentions toward.
Basically, if none of the tactics listed above bring you joy, entertainment, and/or rid yourself of your unwanted visitor than maybe being mature and calling security is the best option for you. Hey, I mean we can't all be spontaneous and fun when confronted with an obstacle that stands to rob us of 10-30 minutes of sleep. I'm not saying that unrequited love (at least it appeared unrequited last night) is overrated, on the contrary, I commend the stranger from last night for his diligence. What I AM suggesting is that having fun with creepers/desperados/mysterious men/weirdos/"Romeos" who are all up in your "proverbial grill" after the sun has set is pretty awesome and not in the least bit overrated.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
College Woes
My one semester (and counting) of college experience has been filled with ups. downs, pros, cons, excitements, misadventures, joys, pains, friends, annoyances, misunderstandings, opportunities, and everything in-between. I absolutely adore my roommates, and I don't know what I would do without them. Classes are what's to be expected in college...often boring but not incredibly challenging if you keep up with your assignments (cause you know that your professors almost never remind you, not their responsibility). I will say though, aside from the blessings I have received, if I had to be nit-picky I can find a few silly little things that often rub me the wrong way (not enough to ruin my day mind you, but I either laugh it off or get frustrated). And sadly, the list just keeps on growing...
1. Changing out toilet paper rolls
C'mon! Is it really that hard to replace the roll when you're done? This annoyed me at home when I had to share a bathroom with my sister, but at college? It's not my roommies, in fact I think I know exactly who is to blame...and they're right next door. I almost think this person does it on purpose, I mean I thought it was just common courtesy to change something as simple and little as a toilet paper roll, but apparently I was mistaken.
2. Excessive noise or laughter after 10pm
This is a problem that reoccurs almost every night. Why on earth would you want to strut up and down the hallways at night talking, laughing, and (generally) being stupid (obnoxious, irritating, annoying, infuriating, ect.) between the hours of 10:30pm all the way up to 2:00am. The walls are pretty thin (surprisingly...wouldn't expect that from cinder block) and traipsing up and down the halls at indecent hours is pretty thoughtless of the countless other students (oh, i don't know...probably around 35-40 girls) who have various exams and classes that begin as early as 8am. Let's do a little math shall we? If the typical girl wears make-up, does her hair, showers, eats breakfast, and does the typical basic hygiene (which should be required for guys...not too difficult to brush one's teeth, put on deodorant, wash one's face, ect.) than lets say most females take anywhere from 30 minutes up to 2 hours to get ready. Saying that on a particular Monday most students attend an 8am class could suggest that any female on my hallway has the chance of waking up around 6am to prepare for class. Take that number and cut a few hours out for noisy disturbances and that significantly decreases the number of girls on my hall (not running up and down the hall of course) that get at least 8 hours of sleep.
3. Laundry
I listed laundry as a pet peeve in itself mainly because of the way some females on the hallway I live treat the act of doing laundry in general. I cannot stand the fact that if you deposit 4 of your own hard-earned quarters into the washer, or especially the dryer, that there is a very high probability that when you return to collect your clothes you will find a strangers clothes keeping yours company. I know that I'm not alone in this sentiment, as my roommies have both expressed to me their chagrin at having one person or another sticking their laundry where it doesn't belong. Not as horrible as the thievery of precious washer/dryer space, my other laundry scruple is not paying attention to your laundry. When you insert your money the wonderfully technologically advanced machine that washes and dries your clothes displays a timer. The timer is specially placed so that you know how long your clothes have until they are done. If you don't watch your clothes and the four machines available fill up, the line for laundry can get backed up very quickly. Not very fun for any party involved.
Overall having 3 college pet peeves is not a big inconvenience, however, keep in mind that originally I only had one (the big scary girls who walk up and down the hall and keep everyone who can't fall asleep like a narcoleptic). I suppose these annoyances are not life-threatening and life will always be full of the small things that specifically irritate certain people. All I can say is that as long as no one constantly whines to others about them, life's little "woes" will probably never be overrated.
1. Changing out toilet paper rolls
C'mon! Is it really that hard to replace the roll when you're done? This annoyed me at home when I had to share a bathroom with my sister, but at college? It's not my roommies, in fact I think I know exactly who is to blame...and they're right next door. I almost think this person does it on purpose, I mean I thought it was just common courtesy to change something as simple and little as a toilet paper roll, but apparently I was mistaken.
2. Excessive noise or laughter after 10pm
This is a problem that reoccurs almost every night. Why on earth would you want to strut up and down the hallways at night talking, laughing, and (generally) being stupid (obnoxious, irritating, annoying, infuriating, ect.) between the hours of 10:30pm all the way up to 2:00am. The walls are pretty thin (surprisingly...wouldn't expect that from cinder block) and traipsing up and down the halls at indecent hours is pretty thoughtless of the countless other students (oh, i don't know...probably around 35-40 girls) who have various exams and classes that begin as early as 8am. Let's do a little math shall we? If the typical girl wears make-up, does her hair, showers, eats breakfast, and does the typical basic hygiene (which should be required for guys...not too difficult to brush one's teeth, put on deodorant, wash one's face, ect.) than lets say most females take anywhere from 30 minutes up to 2 hours to get ready. Saying that on a particular Monday most students attend an 8am class could suggest that any female on my hallway has the chance of waking up around 6am to prepare for class. Take that number and cut a few hours out for noisy disturbances and that significantly decreases the number of girls on my hall (not running up and down the hall of course) that get at least 8 hours of sleep.
3. Laundry
I listed laundry as a pet peeve in itself mainly because of the way some females on the hallway I live treat the act of doing laundry in general. I cannot stand the fact that if you deposit 4 of your own hard-earned quarters into the washer, or especially the dryer, that there is a very high probability that when you return to collect your clothes you will find a strangers clothes keeping yours company. I know that I'm not alone in this sentiment, as my roommies have both expressed to me their chagrin at having one person or another sticking their laundry where it doesn't belong. Not as horrible as the thievery of precious washer/dryer space, my other laundry scruple is not paying attention to your laundry. When you insert your money the wonderfully technologically advanced machine that washes and dries your clothes displays a timer. The timer is specially placed so that you know how long your clothes have until they are done. If you don't watch your clothes and the four machines available fill up, the line for laundry can get backed up very quickly. Not very fun for any party involved.
Overall having 3 college pet peeves is not a big inconvenience, however, keep in mind that originally I only had one (the big scary girls who walk up and down the hall and keep everyone who can't fall asleep like a narcoleptic). I suppose these annoyances are not life-threatening and life will always be full of the small things that specifically irritate certain people. All I can say is that as long as no one constantly whines to others about them, life's little "woes" will probably never be overrated.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Natural Sweaters
Who doesn't enjoy a good sweater every now and then? Haven't you ever been getting ready for a formal event and while adjusting your gown say aloud, "Man, I look amazing but I think this dress would look even more stunning with a sweater."? Or when your date arrives to pick you up in his freshly washed soccer-mom van, did you ever catch yourself staring into his recently shaved face and thinking, "He sure cleans up nice. Now if only he was wearing a sweater vest...".
Sweaters in this world come in all shapes, sizes, patterns, and prints. In fact, in this great nation, you have the luxury of enjoying sweaters ranging from vests, turtlenecks, checkered, plaid, pull-over, button-up, woolen, cashmere, knitted, too big, too tight, or even the occasional ugly Christmas sweater (very festive). Amidst the many opportunities there are to clad yourself in one of these wonderful garments, what I have just described are "natural sweaters". However, there is an injustice being preformed daily by pet owners everywhere that is inexcusable, simply unnatural, and what can only be described as a crime against nature...sweaters for dogs.
Really? I don't see the appeal there whatsoever. In fact, oftentimes dog sweaters appear to be torture devices or ways to punish your unruly animal. Dogs are gifted with a wonderful thing called "fur" (heard of it?) where it keeps their otherwise naked little bodies warm. Now hairless dogs look so pathetic that making them wear a body-tube-like-object and calling it a sweater can only improve their looks. But for the other 98% of canines out there, enough is enough. No, sweaters, raincoats, hats, boots, and dresses on dogs are not "cute".
It's a waste of money. Sure "Mr. Wiggles" your labradoodle might look "adorable" in his coat and tie...but does Mr. Wiggles think he looks adorable? Mr. Wiggles wishes you had saved your money. In fact, if he could, I'm sure Mr. Wiggles would have no qualm tearing off his new clothes and go running (and screaming if capable) out the front door...never to be heard of again. Or you might be hearing from his lawyer...or just PETA (which is worse in my opinion).
Oh, so you bought your dog clothes so they could stay warm in the winter? Well, for starters if it's that cold bring your animal inside at night, or during the day if necessary. You can't really have bought your dog an entire wardrobe of sweaters so that when he goes outside to do his business that he would be "comfortable". I'm sure your pet won't die in that 1-5 minute window in which he goes outside to relieve himself. In fact, the cold might even be the motivation little "Fifi" needs to hurry up and go.
In essence, sweaters are a beautiful thing when worn by people. Dogs are NOT people. They have their own natural sweaters that are much more attractive than those hideous things sold at the store that are supposedly "pet friendly". Oh, and Halloween costumes do not count. I happen to think that dressing your animal up to reflect a little bit of cuteness through a costume is slightly weird but ok. I mean, people dress their babies up for Halloween and that's kinda like dressing up a dog. I mean in essence they do the same things (cry, poop, eat, and sleep).
Just remember, dog sweaters are an unnatural occurrence that should not be continued. In fact, I find dressing up pets in sweaters to be horribly overrated and makes the sweaters sad. Don't make a sweater cry today. Save the sweaters for the people.
Sweaters in this world come in all shapes, sizes, patterns, and prints. In fact, in this great nation, you have the luxury of enjoying sweaters ranging from vests, turtlenecks, checkered, plaid, pull-over, button-up, woolen, cashmere, knitted, too big, too tight, or even the occasional ugly Christmas sweater (very festive). Amidst the many opportunities there are to clad yourself in one of these wonderful garments, what I have just described are "natural sweaters". However, there is an injustice being preformed daily by pet owners everywhere that is inexcusable, simply unnatural, and what can only be described as a crime against nature...sweaters for dogs.
Really? I don't see the appeal there whatsoever. In fact, oftentimes dog sweaters appear to be torture devices or ways to punish your unruly animal. Dogs are gifted with a wonderful thing called "fur" (heard of it?) where it keeps their otherwise naked little bodies warm. Now hairless dogs look so pathetic that making them wear a body-tube-like-object and calling it a sweater can only improve their looks. But for the other 98% of canines out there, enough is enough. No, sweaters, raincoats, hats, boots, and dresses on dogs are not "cute".
It's a waste of money. Sure "Mr. Wiggles" your labradoodle might look "adorable" in his coat and tie...but does Mr. Wiggles think he looks adorable? Mr. Wiggles wishes you had saved your money. In fact, if he could, I'm sure Mr. Wiggles would have no qualm tearing off his new clothes and go running (and screaming if capable) out the front door...never to be heard of again. Or you might be hearing from his lawyer...or just PETA (which is worse in my opinion).
Oh, so you bought your dog clothes so they could stay warm in the winter? Well, for starters if it's that cold bring your animal inside at night, or during the day if necessary. You can't really have bought your dog an entire wardrobe of sweaters so that when he goes outside to do his business that he would be "comfortable". I'm sure your pet won't die in that 1-5 minute window in which he goes outside to relieve himself. In fact, the cold might even be the motivation little "Fifi" needs to hurry up and go.
In essence, sweaters are a beautiful thing when worn by people. Dogs are NOT people. They have their own natural sweaters that are much more attractive than those hideous things sold at the store that are supposedly "pet friendly". Oh, and Halloween costumes do not count. I happen to think that dressing your animal up to reflect a little bit of cuteness through a costume is slightly weird but ok. I mean, people dress their babies up for Halloween and that's kinda like dressing up a dog. I mean in essence they do the same things (cry, poop, eat, and sleep).
Just remember, dog sweaters are an unnatural occurrence that should not be continued. In fact, I find dressing up pets in sweaters to be horribly overrated and makes the sweaters sad. Don't make a sweater cry today. Save the sweaters for the people.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Valentine's Day
If told with pictures, February 14th could be described with hearts, public declarations of love (G rated of course), overpriced dinner receipts, and the occasional crying girl who was dumped on or prior to Valentine's Day. While the love birds in the world were made to romantically thrive on this potentially "wonderful and magical" Monday that this "holiday of lovers" falls on in 2011, where does that leave the singles? I'm sure single males don't give this day a second thought, I mean c'mon...who pays for the over-sized stuff animals, bouquets of flowers, boxes of candy, and expensive meals? The real question is what about those poor single females out there who have no man to call their own? Where are their flowers and free dinners at fancy restaurants?
The solution is simple, Valentine's Day should officially become Single's Awareness Day. This is not an opportunity to look-down-on, pity, or make-fun-of those females (and I suppose the sensitive males out there) who are unattached. Instead this is an invitation for the couples out there to give a gift, kind word, coupon book, ect. to those out there who are amazing and single. Being single isn't a curse, it's a blessing. At least that's what the APOSTLE Paul said (you know, that guy in the Bible).
I mean, what exactly is the big deal about Valentine's Day? You spend an evening with your "special someone" (or in some cases your multiple someones...polygamists out there, you know who I'm talking about) where the man usually spends quite a bit of money on pointless, sentimental junk and then everyone goes home (not going into detail...). How exactly is that so special? Why not set aside a day or two per month for a glorified date (basically what Valentine's Day is)? If you show the one(s) you love daily how much you care about them, then why is Valentine's Day needed?
I guess Valentine's Day is necessary in order to show your "one-and-only" the true of extent of your devotion for them through the purchasing of...stuff.
1. Flowers
Usually roses, but all types of flowers are seen flying off the stands on Valentine's Day. I don't understand what this exactly says that could be seen as remotely romantic.
"These flowers are a symbol of our love."
Really now? Cause I'm pretty sure those "love flowers" will be dead in a week. Some love.
"You are as fragrant and lovely as these roses."
And when they wilt, it will be a reminder of how one day you'll smell and looks will wither. Happy aging.
2. Candy
This gift is usually given through the traditional box of chocolates (cause life is like a box of...never mind). So does this mean that giving the gift of empty calories is considered romantic? Call me morbid, but it sounds to me that by giving your sweetheart a cute little box filled with chocolate is a warning sign that you're being fattened up...Hansel and Grettel come to mind. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.
3. Cards
Do you really need a card with a love declaration written on it to remember that you are loved? In that case maybe you really deserve this holiday.
In any case, this all goes to say that holidays that are devoted to mushy-gushy displays of love, the "spendage of funds", and making the single peeps out there feel lonely/left-out by all of the commercialism, hype, and publicity that they get are super lame. Oh...and so overrated that I may puke when the day finally comes around. If it weren't for my roomie's wonderful birthday celebration on Valentine's Day, February 14th would just be another day on my calendar.
The solution is simple, Valentine's Day should officially become Single's Awareness Day. This is not an opportunity to look-down-on, pity, or make-fun-of those females (and I suppose the sensitive males out there) who are unattached. Instead this is an invitation for the couples out there to give a gift, kind word, coupon book, ect. to those out there who are amazing and single. Being single isn't a curse, it's a blessing. At least that's what the APOSTLE Paul said (you know, that guy in the Bible).
I mean, what exactly is the big deal about Valentine's Day? You spend an evening with your "special someone" (or in some cases your multiple someones...polygamists out there, you know who I'm talking about) where the man usually spends quite a bit of money on pointless, sentimental junk and then everyone goes home (not going into detail...). How exactly is that so special? Why not set aside a day or two per month for a glorified date (basically what Valentine's Day is)? If you show the one(s) you love daily how much you care about them, then why is Valentine's Day needed?
I guess Valentine's Day is necessary in order to show your "one-and-only" the true of extent of your devotion for them through the purchasing of...stuff.
1. Flowers
Usually roses, but all types of flowers are seen flying off the stands on Valentine's Day. I don't understand what this exactly says that could be seen as remotely romantic.
"These flowers are a symbol of our love."
Really now? Cause I'm pretty sure those "love flowers" will be dead in a week. Some love.
"You are as fragrant and lovely as these roses."
And when they wilt, it will be a reminder of how one day you'll smell and looks will wither. Happy aging.
2. Candy
This gift is usually given through the traditional box of chocolates (cause life is like a box of...never mind). So does this mean that giving the gift of empty calories is considered romantic? Call me morbid, but it sounds to me that by giving your sweetheart a cute little box filled with chocolate is a warning sign that you're being fattened up...Hansel and Grettel come to mind. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.
3. Cards
Do you really need a card with a love declaration written on it to remember that you are loved? In that case maybe you really deserve this holiday.
In any case, this all goes to say that holidays that are devoted to mushy-gushy displays of love, the "spendage of funds", and making the single peeps out there feel lonely/left-out by all of the commercialism, hype, and publicity that they get are super lame. Oh...and so overrated that I may puke when the day finally comes around. If it weren't for my roomie's wonderful birthday celebration on Valentine's Day, February 14th would just be another day on my calendar.
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