Un-Adulterated

Since turning 20, I have come to 3 conclusions:

1. It's impossible to make everyone happy.

2. No Shave November isn't just for guys.

3. I'm never going to grow up.

These vital and life-changing realizations have all been made while I was in school. What can I say, at least I have learned something useful in college. God knows (everything...but specifically) that I'm paying them enough that I should at least receive something useful out of it. Personally, if upon graduation my school offered me an apartment (all expenses paid for one year), a decent job, a full ride to the grad school of my choice, and a puppy...let's just say I'd be one extremely satisfied graduate. But unless there's a puppy, no deal (because obviously that would be the most difficult stipulation for them to pull off).

I'm not saying that getting a degree in addition to the basic 12-years of public schooling bliss isn't important. Quite the contrary, in fact. In order to get a decent job in this economy, you need to have some extra e-d-u (short for education...please try to keep up) tucked under your academic belt. Yes, it is expensive (my, you're quite observant). If there is one consistent thing that students everywhere enjoy complaining about (besides questionable cafeteria food) it's the price of tuition. If I ever have kids (geniuses, of course) and wanted to put them through school (through their academic valor, of course), it would probably cost them 4 pints of blood and their first born child. That's how ridiculous tuition is. No joke.

However, one thing that greatly irritates me (occasionally surmounting my irritation with tuition prices, girls who think leggings are pants, and 12-year-olds with iPhones) is the "highschool dating scene" that translates into the college atmosphere among the freshman, and occasionally sophomore, class. Being in college does not make you an adult. Yes, there are many new and fresh faces brimming with testosterone and estrogen (I mean males and females...nothing in between). BUT, just because you see a new attractive face, body, ect, does not mean that you should feel obligated/allowed to ask out said attractive person after knowing them for 2 months because you are "an adult" in "college."

I witnessed this phenomenon when I was a freshman and have seen it duplicated every year since. Freshmen come to college. Freshmen see pretty, opposite gendered people. Freshmen like pretty, opposite gendered people. Freshmen hang out in a group of friends with said pretty, opposite gendered people. Freshmen eventually ask out pretty, opposite gendered people. All goes well from a few weeks to nearly a year. Come back from break, and all hell breaks loose. I cannot stand it when individuals within a newly formed group of friends begin to date. If the relationship doesn't work out, the group won't stay the same. What can I say, I'm a sucker for consistency. Some of the mutual friends will stick with both friends, some will pick one friend that they are closer to, and other friends will throw their hands up in the air and wave them like they just don't care.

Ok, that last part was a bit exaggerated...I only wave one arm in the air. It happens all the time though. See if I'm wrong. Next time you're out on the wildlife preserve known as the university campus, watch the native inhabitants. I guarantee that the vast majority of couples you'll find coupling' it up won't be together in a year (maybe less). This isn't to say that I'm against all relationships. I know a vast majority of relationships that are steady, serious, and have/or likely will end in marriage. I'm overjoyed for these individuals, thrilled even. I'm merely commenting that based on how dating is often treated in a flippant, irreverent manner (for sport, curiosity, entertainment, rather than with serious and long-term intentions), I have become a bit cynical towards college dating. I almost wish that teenagers weren't allowed to date either:
A. until they got to college (that's the level of enthusiasm many of them show anyway)
B. until they have a steady job (because it's really romantic when all your dates occur on campus...)
C. when their parents tell them they can (so what if some won't be able to date until they're married...)
D. when God gives them permission

Obviously, 'D' is the absolute best answer (which is often a combination of A-C). My whole mindset as a result of such continuous unification and splintering is simply this, "I am Switzerland." Side note, have you ever considered how Switzerlanders...Switzerlandians...the Swiss feel about our use of their country in such a non-committal personification? It's kind of like saying, "I'm feeling Canadian" when you feel like calling ham "bacon," paying to much for books, and adding an "ay" to the end of all your sentences. Anyway, back to the Swiss. My whole point with this analogy is that when my friends and acquaintances break up, get together, and date in an overall ADD fashion...I try to stay out of it. I'll hang out with whoever will have me, and I'll try to show love to everyone I encounter. Albeit a very sarcastic and cynical type of verbal affection, for the most part, but I'm trying to work on that. I'm close to those I'm close with, and I try not to let their personal life choices dissuade me from doing so.

Earlier, I put college in quotes (for you non-scholarly individuals, I mean these " ") in an attempt to question the sanity and realistic nature of higher learning universities and institutes but merely to elaborate on the silliness of the emphatic belief that college=adulthood. Attending college does not make you an adult any more than working at McDonald's makes you a BigMac. College, over time, might make you a more responsible and mature adult as you live on your own and realize how much your decisions affect you. Continuing with the Mickey D's analogy I suppose translates as the longer you work, the greater potential you have of getting fat (not entirely a stretch when you think about it...).

Ultimately, in both cases, you have a chance, an opportunity.  In my professional opinion, immediately diving into the dating pool in college is a mistake and (what can only be described as) an overrated cultural practice, finding your academic footing for a semester or two as a single scholar (and soon-to-be adult) is usually a wise move. However, what you choose to do in college is up to you, so in the words of the geriatric knight Harrison Ford encounters while looking for the Holy Grail, "choose wisely".

Dorm 101

So the institutions...I mean colleges across the country are once again packed full of nearly broke young people (with the occasional oldie-locks thrown in...and that means old people if you don't know what that euphemism means) who are ready to start this semester with its glorious tests, papers, and scary professors. For freshman, most sophomores, and those juniors/seniors who opt to do it, staying on campus seems quite attractive...at times. Is it fun and games and rainbows and sunshine all the time? No. Most of the time? No. Even half the time? NO.

That being said, what can you expect from living in a dorm? Utmost privacy and courteous suite mates right? Heh heh heh...you don't even know.

1. Bunks are low, ceilings are lower
Bunks beds are a beautiful thing. (How's that for a little alliteration?) However, they come in one of two ways...either they give the bottom bunker (heh heh...sounds funny) ample head room and the top bunker a concussion every time they get into bed OR the bed squishes the bottom bunker and gives the top bunker plenty of...well everything room. My bed is kind of in the middle. Luckily my bottom bunker-roomie-friend is tiny and a bit short so she fits quite nicely into the bottom bed, but while my bed is pretty reasonable in height...the ceiling doesn't agree. Let's just say I have had a few close calls and one almost-nearly-permanent head trauma incident when I wanted a mere nap. Was that too much to ask for? Apparently it was...

2. No magic allowed
 Puppies, babies, rainbows, crock pots, toaster ovens, hedgehogs, babies, boys, power tools, and electromagnets...what do they all have in common? Well, they're all a small piece of magic that brings happiness to girls everywhere, AND they're not allowed in my college dorm. I mean, I could maybe understand the rainbows and the boys...but toaster ovens?! Really? Way to be lame school, way to be lame.

3. The walls have ears
So you know how walls are supposed to keep sound out (at least to a small degree)...yeah, these walls don't do that. Especially the bathroom walls. While, at least at college, we're all adults (ok, let's just pretend that this statement applies to all of us) about bathroom things, since when is it a smart idea to blast rap music in the bathroom at 8am? Or even to have shouting matches with your "honey boo thing"
in the bathroom no matter what hour? Let's just say, what happens in your room/bathroom/suite mates room isn't as private as you might think it is. A little tact would be nice...

4. The AC is alive

So you put your air conditioner on one temperature and then you come back a few hours later...and it's different!! Whoa! Yeah, I think it gets its kicks out of cooling down to a reasonable temperature and then dropping down to ice age levels when you least expect. By the end of the semester...I might just have frostbite.

5. Suite mates can bite
So because you can only sign up with people who are living with you in your room, you have no control over who gets to share your bathroom with you. This can sometimes manifest itself as a pleasant surprise and other times...let's just say it rhymes with durst white-hair (please tell me you got that..."worst nightmare"). You either get a good one or a scary one...kind of like the lottery. Too bad I'm not one to gamble.

6. A meeting of minds
So if you live on campus, every hallway has it's resident "baby sitter". No, the school does not refer to them as such...I think the practical term is RA (really awesome, regular aardvarks, rusty artists...). Anyway, they have these snazzy meetings once a month to tell us things that we already know (it's quite redundant really) and make sure we're not dead. Overall, it's one aggravation that I'd rather not deal with. Not to say that RAs are horrible...it's just like having a pet turtle, kind of stinks and is altogether pointless.

Now these are only some of the negative aspects of living in the dorms. Honestly, it's not horrible. Is it more expensive than living off campus? Yes. Does it come with it's limitations? Of course. But overall, you're closer to your classes, you don't have to spend gas getting to class, and you're closer to your friends. So yes, that's living in the dorms (warts and all). If you ever get the hankering to come and visit the inmates at my school...students. Whatever. Anyway, if you ever want to see what it's really like to live like a hermit on these murky shores. Give me a call. As crazy as it can be, it's usually sorta-kinda not too much overrated. 

Shifting Gears

If the act of living one's life was compared to driving a car (you can decide whether it looks more like a Mercedes or a jalopy...just don't get carried away) then you could say that this truck has spent most of her life in third gear. In other (more fleshly) terms, you might argue that I've spent much of my soon-to-be 20 years on earth as a "third wheel". This is not a bad thing in the slightest. While it may be awkward at times, I now see this as a gift. However, throughout the various chapters of my third-wheeled life, I did not always appreciate being the "odd-woman out". Let's have a quick look-see at what exactly this means and maybe you too shall gain a new understanding on what it means to be single.

Stage 1 - Ignorance
"Go out with you guys? Sure. Why not? Sounds like fun. I'm there. Give me 30 minutes." (And hence my childish though process) I didn't always know what I was, concerning being the "third-wheel". Oftentimes I was just excited to be included for outings and events and didn't question why I was invited...yeah. I was a bit slow as a child (insert joke questioning this past tense reference or my current definition of myself as not being a child...yup, real original). As I got older however, I quickly outgrew the blissful ignorance from which this stage is so aptly named.

Stage 2 -Despair
"What?! A third wheel?? Since when?? That long ago!? Oh man, I'm going to die alone!!"  (And hence my thought process went something like that after I came to the realization...every single time I was invited out with a group of at least 1 couple or more)

Stage 3 - Rebellion
"Me go out with you guys? Nah, I'm just gonna stay here. Thanks guys, maybe next time. I'm not really in the mood to go out right now. How many people are going? Just you two? Maybe next time." (And hence my new thought process...I might die alone, but I'm not going to let couples feel sorry for me or use me as the "safety net" in their outings. Just leave room for Jesus why don't 'ya?)

Stage 4 - Acceptance
Well, I kind of like you two young'ns, and I don't mind going to see a movie. I suppose I can endure the constant bombardment on my senses to see you two cuddling for 2 hours...but no pet names. There's a couple of other third-wheels going? I can definitely go." (And hence the slightly kinder, but still enlightened, thought process)

Stage 5 - Rockin' It
"I should start a Bible study for other third wheels. Yes, single power! Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday too, except I don't have to buy processed love tokens for my "special someone"...I get to have a couple-free day! Just run along now to your fancy dinner...I've got  my two men, Ben and Jerry, to keep me company." (And hence my realization that I can rock being one of the few drivers still in third gear)

Now, I'm not knockin' on you fellow drivers cruising along with that special someone in the passenger's seat. If that's how you roll, then by all means, roll right on by. Don't mind me. I'm may be truckin' along at a slightly slower speed, but I'm still moving. I've driven past so many accidents and collisions that it's hard to keep them all straight as they break apart and find a new passenger to contend with. My advice/words of wisdom today concerning this occurrence would be to not "rush into a road trip". (Yes, I'm still describing relationships in car-metaphor...try to keep up)

I have had so many awkward trips where it was me and X number of couples. Not saying I didn't have a good time, but giving your third wheel a heads-up as to the possibility that they will be cruising alone on the outing is not a bad idea. As much as you and your "beloved" may wish to promise that your single friend won't feel left out...yeah, let's just not promise that. Who knows, one day I might just bump into another truck/car/hopefully it moves with 4 wheels heading in the same direction as me, and I might decide to ride shotgun for awhile. Until that day comes though I'm going to sit down, find some rockin' tunes, grab the wheel, and just enjoy the ride...which isn't overrated as far as I'm concerned.

Animal Realism

Today, I was picking up dog feces/crap/poop/excrement in my backyard (yes, it's not the most glamorous job...I am fully aware of that). So, to escape from the joys that are dog poop, I let my mind wander (a dangerous pastime...movie quote anyone?) and dwell upon the phrase "to be a fly on the wall". I suppose I now see the irony of thinking of flies while dealing with poop, but at the time such ironies escaped me. Anyway, flies. I begin to think of instances in which I would enjoy being a fly on the wall and found that most of them would never work. Why? So glad you asked.

As a relatively outspoken individual (and a female), there is no way that I could just stand back and watch if something exciting is taking place in the same room. I would buzz, annoy, dive-bomb, and be overall as distracting as I could be. That being said, why do we use animals so frequently to describe situations? Most of they time those metaphors don't accurately portray the situation. So, in the spirit of fun (and realism), let's ruin some other animal affiliated metaphors, shall we?

1. Who let the cat out of the bag?
I'm not sure why the answer to this question is necessarily a "bad thing". Animal lovers everywhere (and PETA...people eating tasty animals) would be ecstatic if someone let a cat out of a bag. So metaphorically speaking, if I ruin a surprise or spill a secret, shouldn't PETA be happy with me? I may lose my friends, but I get new animal obsessed ones...a win-win?

2. The elephant in the room
I am inclined to view this metaphor as more of a fat joke and less of an actual metaphor. If that is the case, everyone knows that "friendly elephant in the room"...moving on.

3. Eats like a bird
People have used this metaphor/simile wrong for ever. Birds consume so much stinkin' food (not literally "stinking", this is just to emphasize how the vast quantity of food they actually eat) every day. Most birds actually eat up to half of their body weight every day. So next time you see that skinny girl you want to hate on (but secretly want to look like), say that you wish she ate like a bird...cause using metaphors wrong is just stupid.

4. Swims like a fish
Fish can swim. Humans can walk. Cars break down...that's not the point. Swimming like a fish and not actually being a fish is indeed impressive, but is it accurate? Does your Michael Phelps-wanna-be friend on the swim team actually have gills? Well, can he breathe underwater? Until some things (like his anatomical structure) start changing, best be keeping your incorrect opinions to yourself. Let the fish do what they do best...judge your friend for swimming like a human.

5. Dead dog tired
This one just seems a kind of mean. You are actually as physically exhausted as your deceased canine? Scruffy? Trixy? Mr. Cuddles? Now you're just bringing up painful memories...

Have I proven my point yet? Need I go on? Trust me...I could. I am in no way hating on metaphors. I, personally, love metaphors and similes. In fact, I don't think we (as people, humans, and especially Americans) use them enough in everyday language. However, I encourage you to consider exactly what the metaphors you use are actually implying. It would be terribly rude to imagine yourself as a fly and, realistically, not be able to keep your thoughts inside your tiny fly head...thus resulting in you (as a fly) appearing to be having a seizure without any little fly medics around to save you. Appearing to suffer an inexplicably horrible fly death just doesn't seem worth the cost of using one little animal metaphor, so pay attention. "Great metaphors come with great responsibility". Try keeping that in mind while you regurgitate nifty metaphors for your friends' amusement. While not the enemy, abusing animal metaphors at any time can quickly become painful and unsurprisingly overrated.

Camp Etiquette

Summer is at full swing (and I'm not talking about that "fat kid about to break the swing set" kind of swinging...it's more of the "7 year old boy screaming like a Peregrine Falcon at the top of his lungs as soon as his swing reaches the full apex of it's ascent" kind of swinging). That being said, summer is supposed to be enjoyed. Enjoying summer looks different to everyone, but basically to me (and I'm sure millions of kids, parents, and poor college students out there) summer means camp. Kids see camp as a fun getaway and an opportunity to escape parental constraints while getting as much sugar and as little sleep as possible. Parents...let's just call a week of camp for them a "mini-vacation" of sorts. Poor college students (or just teenagers in general) see camp as a place to get away from their parents, earn a bit of money, and put school worries on-hold for a few months. Basically, it doesn't matter who you are...camp is just amazing. End of story.

That being said, working at a camp changes the way you see life. From personal I-work-at-camp-and-have-no-social-life-during-the-summer-but-love-my-job type of experience, I think some of the biggest changes I see in myself (and the other staff) throughout the summer are a result of what I like to refer to as "withdrawal from the real world". While it sounds a bit odd, let me explain it to you in simpler terms (cause of course not everyone has worked at a summer camp).

1. Personality is intensified
 Compared to the rest of the world, camp is a relatively safe environment that offers protection from bullying, judgement, and pop culture (don't tell me it's never overwhelmed you before...). Once you have a group of (roughly 30) adolescents put in charge of children week in and week out, certain personality traits begin to emerge. Once many of these quirks and personalities crawl out of an individual...good luck getting them to go back from whence they came from. They're out to stay (at least for the duration of the summer). Such traits could range from goofy tendencies, zebra-inspired fits of laughter, obsessions with pyrotechnics, or even yelling out catch phrases at random hours of the day (for example, "Kool-Aid"). Yes traits and quirks are what make a person unique...but sometimes a person's personality screams at a "4" and camp cranks them up to an "8". Just like a box of chocolates Forest, you never know what you're going to get.

2. Lapse in hygiene
You've been at camp for 3 weeks now, and as the summer wears on your deodorant wears off (that is, if you're even still wearing any at this point). Ok, I know this sounds gross, but think about it. Depending on your job (counselor, cook, or handyman), you have a varied level of hygiene that you must maintain to keep your job. Those who work in the kitchen must stay clean and sanitized throughout the week (at least while on duty) or they will find themselves jobless and locked away in DHEC jail (don't know what that stands for...good. It ruins lives).

Maintenance has it easy. If you're a sweaty guy who works with other sweaty guys all day in the hot sun then I doubt you have much obligatory upkeep on personal smell and appearance. Counselors also have it pretty great. Aside from the initial day the kids are dumped, I mean delivered, to camp and rescued...retrieved, the parent's don't see/smell them. By the end of the week, most of the kids smell like BO and pee (at least the younger ones), so what better excuse to slack on hygiene? If your stench becomes unbearable, just blame it on one of your questionable looking kids. Let's just say by the end of if all, if I'm still taking 3 showers a week and brushing my teeth every night...it's been a good summer.

3. Walmart is the new Ritz
Ok, aside from all you Rednecks out there who really do think that Walmart is high class, this one sounds a bit odd. I know that Walmart can be a pretty fun place to play hide-and-go-seek, and you can usually find some pretty niffty things that you are convinced by the end of your trip that you desperately need...but it's no theme park. Well, after spending a month at camp, Walmart isn't just an adventure...it's an opportunity to escape and reemerge back into the "real world". Sure, you get dressed-up (shower, shave, jeans, clean shirt, and remove your life-guarding whistle), find some non-campy hot food to ingest, and then hit up the local Walmart. Hope you're ready for a wild night on the town, I hear they have a sale on kitchen-ware tonight.

4. Grade school humor
This one isn't too surprising. After spending 7-days-a-week hanging out with kids ranging from 6-13 (for the most part), you begin to think like them. This means that words like "poop" not only reemerge, but you also begin to think of "canoe duty" as "canoe doody"...at least that's how your mind spells it. So yes, you giggle at almost anything and your inner child rejoices daily.
 
5. Trying new things
This isn't a normal/boring sounding reference to tasting new foods. Instead, this means doing things you never thought you would ever imagine yourself considering doing because of normal humiliation concerns, let alone allowing others to watch you humiliate yourself. Such things might include getting a whip cream pie in the face, acting out a "roller coaster" while the crowd of giggling children and staff before you has been told that you are demonstrating the "proper way" to use a toilet, wearing ridiculous costumes, singing "Twinkle, Twinkle" solos, interpretive dancing with a crock-pot, rubbing your coworkers stomach whilst singing "Nummy, Nummy, Nummy", or arguing with your Spanish friend who likes turtles the most. And to think, this is only a handful of weekly occurrences...oh dear. Well, camp certainly isn't for the faint-hearted.

Aside from these (probably mildly disturbing) glimpses into camp oddities and the culture of it all, I would honestly say that I can't imagine what my life would have been like without these last 10 years of being apart of camp (from camper to staffer). I have met some of my best friends, expressed myself as only one can so freely at camp, grown deeper in love with Christ, been challenged in my Christian walk, and learned some crazy life skills (like how to wash a pooped-in sleeping bag and how to cook amazing food for hundreds of people in once sitting). I absolutely adore my camp (let's just refer to it as "Bethel Christian Camp") and the staff/campers you can find there on any day of the week ending in "day", such magical creatures revealing and thriving in their natural habitats. So, as usual, I'm wrapping this up by declaring that camps such as Bethel (and the things you experience there) are not in the greatest stretch of the imagination (nor ever will they be) considered overrated.

For Whom the Dog Barks

5 am. Really? At 5 am?! What, you may ask, did assault thine own ear orifices at this wee hour in the morn? Well, if you actually read the title...yup. My two "faithful" companions. Oh sure, I'm used to them barking at all hours of the day, but the night? That's sacred, reserved for sleeping and the resting of the eyelids, brain, and ears. Two dogs barking, correction...did I say barking? I meant howling. It was a long and piteous chorus of wailing, two howls engaging in a duet for the world to hear (or at least me, don't know where my parents were during this lovely canine symphony).

I have a beagle and a miniature poodle, and yes, even the poodle was howling. I think the beagle taught her when we weren't paying attention or she borrowed some self-help tapes from the library. Anyway, it's not important that they were howling (I mean...it is, but that aspect was more intriguing at 5 am this morning). Instead, let's examine exactly why these two fluffy bundles of chaos decided to open their faces so early in the morning. (No, I'm not upset, but it would be nice to have some information that puts them in a more favorable light as I do have to spend the next week babysitting them)

1. It was a full moon
Ok, so I'm not implying that they're werewolves, but lunar events have been known to make people and animals behave in strange ways. Some studies have shown that pets engage in more risky behavior, and owners make more vet visits for said risky pets during lunar cycles. Last night wasn't a full moon, but they're inside. They might not have known that.

2. Alerting us to intruders
The basic function of dogs, to protect house and family. My dogs have never been much of attack dogs (unless drowning someone in "kisses" and doggie saliva counts), but they have both been very good at barking at sounds they hear. They wouldn't actually do anything about the noises they bark out, especially if they see something or someone to whom those noises belong to, but there is a first thing for everything. Last night was dark, maybe their nightly defense is howling manically at the top of their little doggie lungs.

3. Bad dreams
People dream; dogs dream. So people = dogs...well, not exactly. But dogs have been known to dream. I don't know what goes on during these dreams, but if you own a dog, have you ever looked over at little Fluffy Nutterkins or Sparky Oswald and seen his/her legs jerking coupled with crazy lip twitching? (No, in case you were wondering...I did not use my own pet names in that example. It's Basil and Mustard, if you must know) Maybe they were having a synonymous nightmare, both trapped in some creation of their minds (a food shortage, no yard time, isolation...eerily similar to prison problems). I have heard Mustard (the beagle) bark in her sleep before. If they were both having the same nightmare (let's assume they were) then if they both started howling, this slightly unrealistic reasoning could be possible. Possible...not probable.

4. Really have to pee
 We take them outside before we put them in their bed for the night so they can do their business (here, bed is just a nice way of saying their cage or kennel...which is big enough for the both of them to sleep comfortably). When I get up in the morning, usually whenever they start barking (let's say 9ish, they've been extremely slack lately), I take them outside and just chill with them in the house until they have to relieve themselves or it's their meal time. Lets say I choose not to let them out as soon as they start barking; it get's worse. Their barking will eventually turn into some long, drawn-out, pathetic howls as they vie desperately for my attention. I don't make them suffer for fun; sometimes I'm just out of it in the morning. But maybe this is something they do everyday in the wee hours of the morning. I try to make it a habit not to be awake at 5 am, so maybe this is a routine thing I just don't know about.

5. Victory howl
"It was a crazy night, both of us asleep in our holding cell. All of a sudden Basil has an epileptic fit and goes into cardiac arrest. I've never had any lifesaving skills training! Instead, in my quick thinking, I repeatedly pounced on (what I think might have been) her heart. She stopped twitching and slowly opened her snout and coughed up part of a chew toy I didn't know we owned. She stood up, shook out her fur, and gave me a grin of gratitude. Because our cheap owners wouldn't spring for an alarm clock, we didn't know it was so stinkin' early in the morning and let out victory howls (I mean, she was ok...isn't that worth celebrating?)" Obviously, this is what was running through Mustard's head last night. If I was a dog, I would hope that something epic would happen at 5am...so this is the one I think I'm going to agree with.

So I didn't write this just to complain (even though I found it quite pleasant to share my small discomfort with you). I guess I just don't understand dogs. They can be cute, loyal, crazy, annoying, loving, and (insert your own adjective here), but not so easy to deal with all the time. It's for this very reason that, one day in the near future, I'm going to purchase one of the best pets ever! Our life together will be fantastic and not overrated at all...mainly because hedgehogs don't wake you up at 5 am by howling. Descented skunks are pretty snazzy too. Who knows? As long as it doesn't howl...

The Creepy Crawlies

It staggered across my carpet, possibly with a limp. Was it injured? Maybe. However, disabled or not, I had no mercy. It had caught me off guard. I staggered off my bed and threw out my arm, entrapping my water bottle, clenching it tightly in my right hand. With a steeled resolve, I steadied my arm and plunged the bottom of my water vessel downwards upon my foe. Lifting my makeshift weapon, I carefully peeled it off of the carpet and carried it to the bathroom. Lifting my bottle to the faucet, I grinned in triumph as my opponent, who was plastered to the bottom of said water bottle, was jettisoned down the drain in a torrent of rushing water. Epic battle? No. But that cockroach certainly didn't get the best of me this time.

What exactly is it about bugs, insects, spiders, roaches, creepy crawlies, and every other small creature that is advertised on Raid bottles that freaks us out a little? You don't have to have a phobia of spiders or cockroaches to not like them, in fact, most people don't. Your disdain of bugs doesn't make you an exception. Instead, you are like the millions of humans who own at least one can of bug killer...you knowingly possess a (weak to strong) aversion to insects. I mean, it depends on the type of insect. Butterflies probably don't bug you as much as a palmetto bug or a wolf spider, but that's not the point.

The point is, why don't we favor insects? From what I hear, they can be quite beneficial to the ecosystem. Ok, maybe not your personal ecosystem. A ton of roaches running all over your bedroom won't give you warm fuzzies or any encouraging thoughts about how they are supposedly awesome for our planet (are they? goodness knows I just makes this stuff up...). So, let's look at this from a slightly analytical point of view. Why don't we like bugs?

1. Hairy
So who likes looking at an object completely covered in hair?  Aside from puppies, kittens, chipmunks, otters, Bambi, Pooh, and other cute woodland creatures, it's quite difficult to find a cute animal covered in hair/fur. Even relatives with too much facial and body hair can be repulsive and creepy, so why not bugs? When that granddaddy longlegs starts to resemble Uncle Steve, I'd be a bit wary of it too (the spider and the unlce).

2. Tiny
Ok, many people are scared of tiny things: thimbles, feathers, rain drops, blades of grass, and mushrooms. So what if cockroaches are tiny? So are millipedes, spiders, mosquito, and every other greatly feared insect out there...oh, wait.

3. Lots of eyes...
You know those "nerds" who were made fun of in gradeschool for having "four eyes"? (Hopefully you weren't one of these nerds, but if you were, you have my sincere apologies. I never liked those boring children with only two eyes...) Well, this rule of thumb explains why such torment happened to bespectacled children everywhere. When children/adults/people encounter something that is different and/or able to see better then they can, it makes us jealous. When jealous, we tend to lash out with words, physical acts of violence, and cans of bug spray. Hope this enlightens you a bit.

4. Ugly
Do I really need to explain this one? Nobody likes a bug with a case of the uglies, and in most cases this would apply to every bug (except butterflies and ladybugs, you know, the girly bugs. Guy bugs deserve to die). Moving on...

5. Hard to kill
So let's say that you have a nightmare about a hairy, bespectacled man who is chasing you around. No matter what you throw, shoot, spray towards/on this guy, he refuses to die. Wouldn't you be a bit scared of him? Have you tried to kill a roach lately? Do you understand why they might be a little intimidating to behold and deal with?!

6. Antisocial
In psychology class this semester we learned about how people with antisocial personality behavior disorders are those individuals commonly referred to as "sociopaths". When you approach a bug, if you dare, 9 out of 10 times they run for the hills. Not very social, are they? Well, if antisocial people become tomorrow's serial killers, what about those antisocial insects out there? What are they gonna do? Not a very bright and cheerful future for them, huh?

All of this analyzing and surmising is not to prove that I am afraid of bugs, insects, and all things small and hairy. I approached that roach tonight with malice in my heart and the flaming fire of justice burning brightly in my eyes. Needless to say, I was victorious in my insect encounter despite all of the odds against me (aka reasons 1-6 explaining logical reasons on why any rational individual has a right to be wary and a tiny bit terrified of the traditional insect that crosses their path at one in the morning).

However, this does not explain phobias and those crazy irrational fears of spiders and roaches. If you are one of those individuals who believes that roaches are out to take over the world or that spiders are lurking around every corner waiting to jump on you and bite your nose...yeah, this post is not for you. All I am saying in this situation is that those of you who keep one eye peeled for the next opportunity that allows you to bring one more insect to a swift and just end (aka, slow and painful death that often involves a bug drowning in Raid), you guys and gals are not overrated in the slightest. Keep on killing those bugs, and don't feel foolish in your endeavors. With great amounts of bug killer comes great amounts of bug corpses.