After being woken up this morning by the most irritating, yet cute, alarm clock ever (2 dogs...I'm not married yet) this morning, my female wiring kicked in and began to run laundry. (Insert feminist comment...wanna hear a joke? Women's rights...) Anyway, I'm cycling laundry (don't worry fellah's...I'll try to use simple terms) and I take all of the dry laundry out of the dryer (machine with no water) and place them on the dining room table (the thing where you eat...just kidding, that's the sofa). As I begin to fold them (make them pretty), lo and behold, I find what I've been missing ALL MY LIFE: my chapstick.
That's right folks, another poor tube of chapstick has bitten the dust, gone before it's time was up, expired and eloped into an early grave, took the bath of his life, past the point of no return (this one's serious; have you ever tried to return laundered goods? I can't imagine it would be easy...). What makes it even more horrifying is when I discovered him nestled between a pair of shorts and a towel. His little body was so light, and when I took off the cap...he was hollow, empty of that life-saving chappy-stickiness. I nearly wept with sympathy for the little guy...or a piece of lint may have flown up into my eye.
Such is the plight, life, and end of many an item that tragically gets forgotten in a piece of dirty laundry and takes the sudsy plunge. In a moment of grief, let's take the time to reflect on (and appreciate) the various trinkets, tools, and toys that took the one-way ticket to their sudsy graves.
1. Cell Phones/Ipods
This is probably the most upsetting/expensive type of item that has accidentally been drowned in said machine. Usually this is an accident when the owner of electronic device throws a pair of pants or a jacket in the wash unaware or the tragedy about to occur. Once in a blue moon, this is the fault of many individuals...but I mean, c'mon. How likely is it that a phone was left on top of a washing machine and your friends place their laundry on top of your phone (on top of the washer)...and the rest is history? Not very likely? That's what I thought...just get a bag of rice. I hear that works in most/half/some/once in a blue moon. Oh well...should have gotten a cheaper phone/mp3 player.
2. Paper Money/Wallets
I feel that this is more often the case for men, who do not have purses and do not actually (in 9 out of 10 cases...there are exceptions to every rule) wash the clothes. Hopefully, you have a vigilant wife/child/girlfriend/mom who will catch and fix this grievous error that you made. (This also takes into account the missing money that you encounter after
said "washing" process...let's just say children...women in general who are forced to do
the laundry are opportunists...you do the math.) However, while a washer could lose your coins, it doesn't always destroy your paper money. Sometimes it just cleans it...depends on how weak your money is. Obviously, foreign currency fairs worse in this process cause ain't nothing stronger than some of that Ah-Mur-i-can money. It may be depreciated in value, but it can take a spin cycle and...and...not yeah, I got nothing.
3. Gum
This is just sad, and sometimes ruins your favorite _________ (fill-in-the-blank with the article of clothing of your choice). I mean, gum? Not only do you NOT get to chew it and freshen your breath/look like a gangsta (yeah Double Bubble...you know what I'm talkin' 'bout), but it gets stuck...and stays with you FOREVER. Ok, maybe not "FOREVER," but an annoyingly long time. Gosh, talk about one chewable adhesive that overstays it's welcome...
4. Chap Stick
Nope, too soon...
5. Notes
I know we've all been there. Whether it's notes for class, a note you got passed in class, or the instructions for your Walkman when they were cool (don't know what a Walkman is? Get out), one of the worst things EVER is to take the clothes out of the dryer and find a clump of white paper. At this point clump is too generous of a term...it's more like a horribly disfigured paper-mache rock. You can't read it, or even open it, so it just taunts you. If only you'd caught it before it went in the dryer, it might have stood a chance...you monster.
6. Candy
Kind of like gum, let's just say you only wanted half of a candy bar. What to do with the rest...well, if you're a 5 year old boy (or a guy in general...sorry to hate guys, but the women-folk are stuck with the laundering duties...I gotta vent) you stick that candy back in your pocket. Let's just say that your mom is not observant at all, has no thumbs, preoccupied, Helen Keller, or the boy stuck his pants in the washer himself...he's about to lose his treat and get a brand new pair of seemingly "soiled" pants to wear. Oh yeah man, chicks dig the brown.
7. Pens
The only thing worse than your pen leaking into your shirt/pants at work...is to release one into the wild Maytag and discover that this writing utensil left you a "present" on everything unlucky enough to be in there with it. I guess this unfortunate result could become a game of sorts: spot the ink stain, Rorschach therapy to-go...the possibilities are endless.
You'll be happy to know that I sent little "Chappy" off in style; he had the funeral of a true champion. Yeah...I sighed regretfully as I tossed him (gently) into the freshly cleaned (another side-effect of my womanly genes) blue trashcan (symbolizing my intense grief) in the kitchen (the woman's "Mecca"). Yes, it was traumatic. Yes, it might just happen again. However, this is one of those times where you learn a valuable lesson: it is never overrated to buy your chap stick in bulk.
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