February 14th
The Day of Love
Couples Day
Singles Awareness Day
Murderous Winged Fat Baby Day
The Day 14 Guys Died
Spend Money if You Love Someone Day
PDA Plague Day
Heart Shaped Diabetes Day
The Day That Love Stood Still
...Valentine's Day.
As unorthodox (not to mention the farthest thing from politically correct) as some of these titles are, that doesn't mean they are not true. Everyone knows that the day of love can be costly, monetarily and emotionally. But, in the grand scheme of things, it's a little silly to think that one day can have such a big impact on hundreds of millions of individuals all across the world. Some love the Day of Love, and some abhor it. But, regardless of your relationship status, or your personal convictions on this day of commercialism, there are plenty of things that you can do on Valentine's Day to entertain yourself and make this day worth your time. (Please reserve all final judgements until the end of the ride, and keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times.)
1.Cliche Romance (mushy couples wanted)
"Love, Olive Garden, more love, pet names, cuddling, kissing, Walmart gifts...maybe a stuff animal or two"
This is the basic, cliched, romantic definition of Valentine's Day for happy couples (or those individuals who see this one day as an opportunity to compensate for the poor communication, lack of quality time, and missing common interests that many relationships are built on). Nothing wrong with it really. Without these individuals, who would give restaurant servers a reason to hate this holiday (or just people in general)?
2. Low Maintenance Couples (mainly geriatrics)
These individuals have a special place in my heart. Such couples, not always geriatrics (sorry for the stereotype...), don't think of Valentine's Day as a big deal and don't care too much to spend money or time furthering the Valentine's Day "racket." Most of these couples are too mature or have been together for awhile and are out of the "honeymoon phase." It doesn't mean that they're not in love, they're just at a different stage in their relationship...let's call it "cruise control." They already spend time together and don't need one day in the year to prove their undying devotion to each other (and they're the weird ones..).
3. Friend Date (singles happy riding solo)
So you're single and perfectly cool with it? Just another solo-cup in a two-liter world (not really sure where I was going with this metaphor...but the whole point was that they're cool with being alone). Awesome. Well, if you're not totally against the "holiday of love," grab your closest best friend, girl-friend, guy-friend, dog, neighbor, professor...ok, that could get a bit weird, but I think you know where I was going with this. Valentine's Day can be fun. You can use it as an excuse to get dressed up and go get some food that's reasonably priced to oh-dear-Lord-go-sell-your-car-and-first-born-child-to-pay-for-this-nine-course-meal and catch up. Talk. Eat. Have fun. Just cause you're single doesn't mean you can't take advantage of doing something special with someone you love, in an obviously platonic way.
4. Anti-Love Day (for rage-filled singles)
"Blah, blah, blah, love, throw-up, kill me now, why is everyone but me in a relationship? I'm going to die alone..." So, you're not a big fan of Cupid? You're alone and bitter? Well then, why not put all of that hate and bitterness to good use? Take this day to wallow in self-loathing, burn/destroy pictures and presents given to you by your exs, get together with fellow V-Day haters and eat junk (misery loves company, after all), or just watch sad movies and cry your eyes out. I don't blame you for not being on the best of terms with this day. Half-naked, chubby baby angels don't really do it for me either. In fact, they're kind of creepy.
5. Economical Support (aka, Being a Bra)
So you hate Valentine's Day, are single, or just don't give a (fill-in-the-blank with a socially acceptable replacement for a vulgar term that expresses strong emotion) about this "holiday?" That is ok. You can fulfill your responsibility to this sacred day of love and purchased affection (that sounds bad, doesn't it...) simply by working. Work, work, and work some more. Those plates of overpriced pasta and salad aren't going to magically serve themselves to couples practically drowning in each others eyes. Seriously, someone throw those people a buoy or some life jackets...that can't be healthy.
Well, hopefully one of these options appeals to you. I'm not terribly excited about Valentine's Day either, but there is one thing that everyone old, young, single, committed, rich, and poor can appreciate about February 14th...the fact that candy everywhere goes on sale the day after it's over. That's right folks, regardless of your personal opinions about this day, if you suffer through it, the half-priced sweets you shall be rewarded with (assuming that you buy them for yourself, as chances are no one loves you enough to buy them for you...joking, please don't be angry) are not to be ignored. Even if you're diabetic (and especially if you're a female), cheap chocolate shall never be overrated.
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