If the act of living one's life was compared to driving a car (you can decide whether it looks more like a Mercedes or a jalopy...just don't get carried away) then you could say that this truck has spent most of her life in third gear. In other (more fleshly) terms, you might argue that I've spent much of my soon-to-be 20 years on earth as a "third wheel". This is not a bad thing in the slightest. While it may be awkward at times, I now see this as a gift. However, throughout the various chapters of my third-wheeled life, I did not always appreciate being the "odd-woman out". Let's have a quick look-see at what exactly this means and maybe you too shall gain a new understanding on what it means to be single.
Stage 1 - Ignorance
"Go out with you guys? Sure. Why not? Sounds like fun. I'm there. Give me 30 minutes." (And hence my childish though process) I didn't always know what I was, concerning being the "third-wheel". Oftentimes I was just excited to be included for outings and events and didn't question why I was invited...yeah. I was a bit slow as a child (insert joke questioning this past tense reference or my current definition of myself as not being a child...yup, real original). As I got older however, I quickly outgrew the blissful ignorance from which this stage is so aptly named.
Stage 2 -Despair
"What?! A third wheel?? Since when?? That long ago!? Oh man, I'm going to die alone!!" (And hence my thought process went something like that after I came to the realization...every single time I was invited out with a group of at least 1 couple or more)
Stage 3 - Rebellion
"Me go out with you guys? Nah, I'm just gonna stay here. Thanks guys, maybe next time. I'm not really in the mood to go out right now. How many people are going? Just you two? Maybe next time." (And hence my new thought process...I might die alone, but I'm not going to let couples feel sorry for me or use me as the "safety net" in their outings. Just leave room for Jesus why don't 'ya?)
Stage 4 - Acceptance
Well, I kind of like you two young'ns, and I don't mind going to see a movie. I suppose I can endure the constant bombardment on my senses to see you two cuddling for 2 hours...but no pet names. There's a couple of other third-wheels going? I can definitely go." (And hence the slightly kinder, but still enlightened, thought process)
Stage 5 - Rockin' It
"I should start a Bible study for other third wheels. Yes, single power! Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday too, except I don't have to buy processed love tokens for my "special someone"...I get to have a couple-free day! Just run along now to your fancy dinner...I've got my two men, Ben and Jerry, to keep me company." (And hence my realization that I can rock being one of the few drivers still in third gear)
Now, I'm not knockin' on you fellow drivers cruising along with that special someone in the passenger's seat. If that's how you roll, then by all means, roll right on by. Don't mind me. I'm may be truckin' along at a slightly slower speed, but I'm still moving. I've driven past so many accidents and collisions that it's hard to keep them all straight as they break apart and find a new passenger to contend with. My advice/words of wisdom today concerning this occurrence would be to not "rush into a road trip". (Yes, I'm still describing relationships in car-metaphor...try to keep up)
I have had so many awkward trips where it was me and X number of couples. Not saying I didn't have a good time, but giving your third wheel a heads-up as to the possibility that they will be cruising alone on the outing is not a bad idea. As much as you and your "beloved" may wish to promise that your single friend won't feel left out...yeah, let's just not promise that. Who knows, one day I might just bump into another truck/car/hopefully it moves with 4 wheels heading in the same direction as me, and I might decide to ride shotgun for awhile. Until that day comes though I'm going to sit down, find some rockin' tunes, grab the wheel, and just enjoy the ride...which isn't overrated as far as I'm concerned.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Animal Realism
Today, I was picking up dog feces/crap/poop/excrement in my backyard (yes, it's not the most glamorous job...I am fully aware of that). So, to escape from the joys that are dog poop, I let my mind wander (a dangerous pastime...movie quote anyone?) and dwell upon the phrase "to be a fly on the wall". I suppose I now see the irony of thinking of flies while dealing with poop, but at the time such ironies escaped me. Anyway, flies. I begin to think of instances in which I would enjoy being a fly on the wall and found that most of them would never work. Why? So glad you asked.
As a relatively outspoken individual (and a female), there is no way that I could just stand back and watch if something exciting is taking place in the same room. I would buzz, annoy, dive-bomb, and be overall as distracting as I could be. That being said, why do we use animals so frequently to describe situations? Most of they time those metaphors don't accurately portray the situation. So, in the spirit of fun (and realism), let's ruin some other animal affiliated metaphors, shall we?
1. Who let the cat out of the bag?
I'm not sure why the answer to this question is necessarily a "bad thing". Animal lovers everywhere (and PETA...people eating tasty animals) would be ecstatic if someone let a cat out of a bag. So metaphorically speaking, if I ruin a surprise or spill a secret, shouldn't PETA be happy with me? I may lose my friends, but I get new animal obsessed ones...a win-win?
2. The elephant in the room
I am inclined to view this metaphor as more of a fat joke and less of an actual metaphor. If that is the case, everyone knows that "friendly elephant in the room"...moving on.
3. Eats like a bird
People have used this metaphor/simile wrong for ever. Birds consume so much stinkin' food (not literally "stinking", this is just to emphasize how the vast quantity of food they actually eat) every day. Most birds actually eat up to half of their body weight every day. So next time you see that skinny girl you want to hate on (but secretly want to look like), say that you wish she ate like a bird...cause using metaphors wrong is just stupid.
4. Swims like a fish
Fish can swim. Humans can walk. Cars break down...that's not the point. Swimming like a fish and not actually being a fish is indeed impressive, but is it accurate? Does your Michael Phelps-wanna-be friend on the swim team actually have gills? Well, can he breathe underwater? Until some things (like his anatomical structure) start changing, best be keeping your incorrect opinions to yourself. Let the fish do what they do best...judge your friend for swimming like a human.
5. Dead dog tired
This one just seems a kind of mean. You are actually as physically exhausted as your deceased canine? Scruffy? Trixy? Mr. Cuddles? Now you're just bringing up painful memories...
Have I proven my point yet? Need I go on? Trust me...I could. I am in no way hating on metaphors. I, personally, love metaphors and similes. In fact, I don't think we (as people, humans, and especially Americans) use them enough in everyday language. However, I encourage you to consider exactly what the metaphors you use are actually implying. It would be terribly rude to imagine yourself as a fly and, realistically, not be able to keep your thoughts inside your tiny fly head...thus resulting in you (as a fly) appearing to be having a seizure without any little fly medics around to save you. Appearing to suffer an inexplicably horrible fly death just doesn't seem worth the cost of using one little animal metaphor, so pay attention. "Great metaphors come with great responsibility". Try keeping that in mind while you regurgitate nifty metaphors for your friends' amusement. While not the enemy, abusing animal metaphors at any time can quickly become painful and unsurprisingly overrated.
As a relatively outspoken individual (and a female), there is no way that I could just stand back and watch if something exciting is taking place in the same room. I would buzz, annoy, dive-bomb, and be overall as distracting as I could be. That being said, why do we use animals so frequently to describe situations? Most of they time those metaphors don't accurately portray the situation. So, in the spirit of fun (and realism), let's ruin some other animal affiliated metaphors, shall we?
1. Who let the cat out of the bag?
I'm not sure why the answer to this question is necessarily a "bad thing". Animal lovers everywhere (and PETA...people eating tasty animals) would be ecstatic if someone let a cat out of a bag. So metaphorically speaking, if I ruin a surprise or spill a secret, shouldn't PETA be happy with me? I may lose my friends, but I get new animal obsessed ones...a win-win?
2. The elephant in the room
I am inclined to view this metaphor as more of a fat joke and less of an actual metaphor. If that is the case, everyone knows that "friendly elephant in the room"...moving on.
3. Eats like a bird
People have used this metaphor/simile wrong for ever. Birds consume so much stinkin' food (not literally "stinking", this is just to emphasize how the vast quantity of food they actually eat) every day. Most birds actually eat up to half of their body weight every day. So next time you see that skinny girl you want to hate on (but secretly want to look like), say that you wish she ate like a bird...cause using metaphors wrong is just stupid.
4. Swims like a fish
Fish can swim. Humans can walk. Cars break down...that's not the point. Swimming like a fish and not actually being a fish is indeed impressive, but is it accurate? Does your Michael Phelps-wanna-be friend on the swim team actually have gills? Well, can he breathe underwater? Until some things (like his anatomical structure) start changing, best be keeping your incorrect opinions to yourself. Let the fish do what they do best...judge your friend for swimming like a human.
5. Dead dog tired
This one just seems a kind of mean. You are actually as physically exhausted as your deceased canine? Scruffy? Trixy? Mr. Cuddles? Now you're just bringing up painful memories...
Have I proven my point yet? Need I go on? Trust me...I could. I am in no way hating on metaphors. I, personally, love metaphors and similes. In fact, I don't think we (as people, humans, and especially Americans) use them enough in everyday language. However, I encourage you to consider exactly what the metaphors you use are actually implying. It would be terribly rude to imagine yourself as a fly and, realistically, not be able to keep your thoughts inside your tiny fly head...thus resulting in you (as a fly) appearing to be having a seizure without any little fly medics around to save you. Appearing to suffer an inexplicably horrible fly death just doesn't seem worth the cost of using one little animal metaphor, so pay attention. "Great metaphors come with great responsibility". Try keeping that in mind while you regurgitate nifty metaphors for your friends' amusement. While not the enemy, abusing animal metaphors at any time can quickly become painful and unsurprisingly overrated.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Camp Etiquette
Summer is at full swing (and I'm not talking about that "fat kid about to break the swing set" kind of swinging...it's more of the "7 year old boy screaming like a Peregrine Falcon at the top of his lungs as soon as his swing reaches the full apex of it's ascent" kind of swinging). That being said, summer is supposed to be enjoyed. Enjoying summer looks different to everyone, but basically to me (and I'm sure millions of kids, parents, and poor college students out there) summer means camp. Kids see camp as a fun getaway and an opportunity to escape parental constraints while getting as much sugar and as little sleep as possible. Parents...let's just call a week of camp for them a "mini-vacation" of sorts. Poor college students (or just teenagers in general) see camp as a place to get away from their parents, earn a bit of money, and put school worries on-hold for a few months. Basically, it doesn't matter who you are...camp is just amazing. End of story.
That being said, working at a camp changes the way you see life. From personal I-work-at-camp-and-have-no-social-life-during-the-summer-but-love-my-job type of experience, I think some of the biggest changes I see in myself (and the other staff) throughout the summer are a result of what I like to refer to as "withdrawal from the real world". While it sounds a bit odd, let me explain it to you in simpler terms (cause of course not everyone has worked at a summer camp).
1. Personality is intensified
Compared to the rest of the world, camp is a relatively safe environment that offers protection from bullying, judgement, and pop culture (don't tell me it's never overwhelmed you before...). Once you have a group of (roughly 30) adolescents put in charge of children week in and week out, certain personality traits begin to emerge. Once many of these quirks and personalities crawl out of an individual...good luck getting them to go back from whence they came from. They're out to stay (at least for the duration of the summer). Such traits could range from goofy tendencies, zebra-inspired fits of laughter, obsessions with pyrotechnics, or even yelling out catch phrases at random hours of the day (for example, "Kool-Aid"). Yes traits and quirks are what make a person unique...but sometimes a person's personality screams at a "4" and camp cranks them up to an "8". Just like a box of chocolates Forest, you never know what you're going to get.
2. Lapse in hygiene
You've been at camp for 3 weeks now, and as the summer wears on your deodorant wears off (that is, if you're even still wearing any at this point). Ok, I know this sounds gross, but think about it. Depending on your job (counselor, cook, or handyman), you have a varied level of hygiene that you must maintain to keep your job. Those who work in the kitchen must stay clean and sanitized throughout the week (at least while on duty) or they will find themselves jobless and locked away in DHEC jail (don't know what that stands for...good. It ruins lives).
Maintenance has it easy. If you're a sweaty guy who works with other sweaty guys all day in the hot sun then I doubt you have much obligatory upkeep on personal smell and appearance. Counselors also have it pretty great. Aside from the initial day the kids are dumped, I mean delivered, to camp and rescued...retrieved, the parent's don't see/smell them. By the end of the week, most of the kids smell like BO and pee (at least the younger ones), so what better excuse to slack on hygiene? If your stench becomes unbearable, just blame it on one of your questionable looking kids. Let's just say by the end of if all, if I'm still taking 3 showers a week and brushing my teeth every night...it's been a good summer.
3. Walmart is the new Ritz
Ok, aside from all you Rednecks out there who really do think that Walmart is high class, this one sounds a bit odd. I know that Walmart can be a pretty fun place to play hide-and-go-seek, and you can usually find some pretty niffty things that you are convinced by the end of your trip that you desperately need...but it's no theme park. Well, after spending a month at camp, Walmart isn't just an adventure...it's an opportunity to escape and reemerge back into the "real world". Sure, you get dressed-up (shower, shave, jeans, clean shirt, and remove your life-guarding whistle), find some non-campy hot food to ingest, and then hit up the local Walmart. Hope you're ready for a wild night on the town, I hear they have a sale on kitchen-ware tonight.
4. Grade school humor
This one isn't too surprising. After spending 7-days-a-week hanging out with kids ranging from 6-13 (for the most part), you begin to think like them. This means that words like "poop" not only reemerge, but you also begin to think of "canoe duty" as "canoe doody"...at least that's how your mind spells it. So yes, you giggle at almost anything and your inner child rejoices daily.
5. Trying new things
This isn't a normal/boring sounding reference to tasting new foods. Instead, this means doing things you never thought you would ever imagine yourself considering doing because of normal humiliation concerns, let alone allowing others to watch you humiliate yourself. Such things might include getting a whip cream pie in the face, acting out a "roller coaster" while the crowd of giggling children and staff before you has been told that you are demonstrating the "proper way" to use a toilet, wearing ridiculous costumes, singing "Twinkle, Twinkle" solos, interpretive dancing with a crock-pot, rubbing your coworkers stomach whilst singing "Nummy, Nummy, Nummy", or arguing with your Spanish friend who likes turtles the most. And to think, this is only a handful of weekly occurrences...oh dear. Well, camp certainly isn't for the faint-hearted.
Aside from these (probably mildly disturbing) glimpses into camp oddities and the culture of it all, I would honestly say that I can't imagine what my life would have been like without these last 10 years of being apart of camp (from camper to staffer). I have met some of my best friends, expressed myself as only one can so freely at camp, grown deeper in love with Christ, been challenged in my Christian walk, and learned some crazy life skills (like how to wash a pooped-in sleeping bag and how to cook amazing food for hundreds of people in once sitting). I absolutely adore my camp (let's just refer to it as "Bethel Christian Camp") and the staff/campers you can find there on any day of the week ending in "day", such magical creatures revealing and thriving in their natural habitats. So, as usual, I'm wrapping this up by declaring that camps such as Bethel (and the things you experience there) are not in the greatest stretch of the imagination (nor ever will they be) considered overrated.
That being said, working at a camp changes the way you see life. From personal I-work-at-camp-and-have-no-social-life-during-the-summer-but-love-my-job type of experience, I think some of the biggest changes I see in myself (and the other staff) throughout the summer are a result of what I like to refer to as "withdrawal from the real world". While it sounds a bit odd, let me explain it to you in simpler terms (cause of course not everyone has worked at a summer camp).
1. Personality is intensified
Compared to the rest of the world, camp is a relatively safe environment that offers protection from bullying, judgement, and pop culture (don't tell me it's never overwhelmed you before...). Once you have a group of (roughly 30) adolescents put in charge of children week in and week out, certain personality traits begin to emerge. Once many of these quirks and personalities crawl out of an individual...good luck getting them to go back from whence they came from. They're out to stay (at least for the duration of the summer). Such traits could range from goofy tendencies, zebra-inspired fits of laughter, obsessions with pyrotechnics, or even yelling out catch phrases at random hours of the day (for example, "Kool-Aid"). Yes traits and quirks are what make a person unique...but sometimes a person's personality screams at a "4" and camp cranks them up to an "8". Just like a box of chocolates Forest, you never know what you're going to get.
2. Lapse in hygiene
You've been at camp for 3 weeks now, and as the summer wears on your deodorant wears off (that is, if you're even still wearing any at this point). Ok, I know this sounds gross, but think about it. Depending on your job (counselor, cook, or handyman), you have a varied level of hygiene that you must maintain to keep your job. Those who work in the kitchen must stay clean and sanitized throughout the week (at least while on duty) or they will find themselves jobless and locked away in DHEC jail (don't know what that stands for...good. It ruins lives).
Maintenance has it easy. If you're a sweaty guy who works with other sweaty guys all day in the hot sun then I doubt you have much obligatory upkeep on personal smell and appearance. Counselors also have it pretty great. Aside from the initial day the kids are dumped, I mean delivered, to camp and rescued...retrieved, the parent's don't see/smell them. By the end of the week, most of the kids smell like BO and pee (at least the younger ones), so what better excuse to slack on hygiene? If your stench becomes unbearable, just blame it on one of your questionable looking kids. Let's just say by the end of if all, if I'm still taking 3 showers a week and brushing my teeth every night...it's been a good summer.
3. Walmart is the new Ritz
Ok, aside from all you Rednecks out there who really do think that Walmart is high class, this one sounds a bit odd. I know that Walmart can be a pretty fun place to play hide-and-go-seek, and you can usually find some pretty niffty things that you are convinced by the end of your trip that you desperately need...but it's no theme park. Well, after spending a month at camp, Walmart isn't just an adventure...it's an opportunity to escape and reemerge back into the "real world". Sure, you get dressed-up (shower, shave, jeans, clean shirt, and remove your life-guarding whistle), find some non-campy hot food to ingest, and then hit up the local Walmart. Hope you're ready for a wild night on the town, I hear they have a sale on kitchen-ware tonight.
4. Grade school humor
This one isn't too surprising. After spending 7-days-a-week hanging out with kids ranging from 6-13 (for the most part), you begin to think like them. This means that words like "poop" not only reemerge, but you also begin to think of "canoe duty" as "canoe doody"...at least that's how your mind spells it. So yes, you giggle at almost anything and your inner child rejoices daily.
5. Trying new things
This isn't a normal/boring sounding reference to tasting new foods. Instead, this means doing things you never thought you would ever imagine yourself considering doing because of normal humiliation concerns, let alone allowing others to watch you humiliate yourself. Such things might include getting a whip cream pie in the face, acting out a "roller coaster" while the crowd of giggling children and staff before you has been told that you are demonstrating the "proper way" to use a toilet, wearing ridiculous costumes, singing "Twinkle, Twinkle" solos, interpretive dancing with a crock-pot, rubbing your coworkers stomach whilst singing "Nummy, Nummy, Nummy", or arguing with your Spanish friend who likes turtles the most. And to think, this is only a handful of weekly occurrences...oh dear. Well, camp certainly isn't for the faint-hearted.
Aside from these (probably mildly disturbing) glimpses into camp oddities and the culture of it all, I would honestly say that I can't imagine what my life would have been like without these last 10 years of being apart of camp (from camper to staffer). I have met some of my best friends, expressed myself as only one can so freely at camp, grown deeper in love with Christ, been challenged in my Christian walk, and learned some crazy life skills (like how to wash a pooped-in sleeping bag and how to cook amazing food for hundreds of people in once sitting). I absolutely adore my camp (let's just refer to it as "Bethel Christian Camp") and the staff/campers you can find there on any day of the week ending in "day", such magical creatures revealing and thriving in their natural habitats. So, as usual, I'm wrapping this up by declaring that camps such as Bethel (and the things you experience there) are not in the greatest stretch of the imagination (nor ever will they be) considered overrated.
Friday, May 25, 2012
For Whom the Dog Barks
5 am. Really? At 5 am?! What, you may ask, did assault thine own ear orifices at this wee hour in the morn? Well, if you actually read the title...yup. My two "faithful" companions. Oh sure, I'm used to them barking at all hours of the day, but the night? That's sacred, reserved for sleeping and the resting of the eyelids, brain, and ears. Two dogs barking, correction...did I say barking? I meant howling. It was a long and piteous chorus of wailing, two howls engaging in a duet for the world to hear (or at least me, don't know where my parents were during this lovely canine symphony).
I have a beagle and a miniature poodle, and yes, even the poodle was howling. I think the beagle taught her when we weren't paying attention or she borrowed some self-help tapes from the library. Anyway, it's not important that they were howling (I mean...it is, but that aspect was more intriguing at 5 am this morning). Instead, let's examine exactly why these two fluffy bundles of chaos decided to open their faces so early in the morning. (No, I'm not upset, but it would be nice to have some information that puts them in a more favorable light as I do have to spend the next week babysitting them)
1. It was a full moon
Ok, so I'm not implying that they're werewolves, but lunar events have been known to make people and animals behave in strange ways. Some studies have shown that pets engage in more risky behavior, and owners make more vet visits for said risky pets during lunar cycles. Last night wasn't a full moon, but they're inside. They might not have known that.
2. Alerting us to intruders
The basic function of dogs, to protect house and family. My dogs have never been much of attack dogs (unless drowning someone in "kisses" and doggie saliva counts), but they have both been very good at barking at sounds they hear. They wouldn't actually do anything about the noises they bark out, especially if they see something or someone to whom those noises belong to, but there is a first thing for everything. Last night was dark, maybe their nightly defense is howling manically at the top of their little doggie lungs.
3. Bad dreams
People dream; dogs dream. So people = dogs...well, not exactly. But dogs have been known to dream. I don't know what goes on during these dreams, but if you own a dog, have you ever looked over at little Fluffy Nutterkins or Sparky Oswald and seen his/her legs jerking coupled with crazy lip twitching? (No, in case you were wondering...I did not use my own pet names in that example. It's Basil and Mustard, if you must know) Maybe they were having a synonymous nightmare, both trapped in some creation of their minds (a food shortage, no yard time, isolation...eerily similar to prison problems). I have heard Mustard (the beagle) bark in her sleep before. If they were both having the same nightmare (let's assume they were) then if they both started howling, this slightly unrealistic reasoning could be possible. Possible...not probable.
4. Really have to pee
We take them outside before we put them in their bed for the night so they can do their business (here, bed is just a nice way of saying their cage or kennel...which is big enough for the both of them to sleep comfortably). When I get up in the morning, usually whenever they start barking (let's say 9ish, they've been extremely slack lately), I take them outside and just chill with them in the house until they have to relieve themselves or it's their meal time. Lets say I choose not to let them out as soon as they start barking; it get's worse. Their barking will eventually turn into some long, drawn-out, pathetic howls as they vie desperately for my attention. I don't make them suffer for fun; sometimes I'm just out of it in the morning. But maybe this is something they do everyday in the wee hours of the morning. I try to make it a habit not to be awake at 5 am, so maybe this is a routine thing I just don't know about.
5. Victory howl
"It was a crazy night, both of us asleep in our holding cell. All of a sudden Basil has an epileptic fit and goes into cardiac arrest. I've never had any lifesaving skills training! Instead, in my quick thinking, I repeatedly pounced on (what I think might have been) her heart. She stopped twitching and slowly opened her snout and coughed up part of a chew toy I didn't know we owned. She stood up, shook out her fur, and gave me a grin of gratitude. Because our cheap owners wouldn't spring for an alarm clock, we didn't know it was so stinkin' early in the morning and let out victory howls (I mean, she was ok...isn't that worth celebrating?)" Obviously, this is what was running through Mustard's head last night. If I was a dog, I would hope that something epic would happen at 5am...so this is the one I think I'm going to agree with.
So I didn't write this just to complain (even though I found it quite pleasant to share my small discomfort with you). I guess I just don't understand dogs. They can be cute, loyal, crazy, annoying, loving, and (insert your own adjective here), but not so easy to deal with all the time. It's for this very reason that, one day in the near future, I'm going to purchase one of the best pets ever! Our life together will be fantastic and not overrated at all...mainly because hedgehogs don't wake you up at 5 am by howling. Descented skunks are pretty snazzy too. Who knows? As long as it doesn't howl...
I have a beagle and a miniature poodle, and yes, even the poodle was howling. I think the beagle taught her when we weren't paying attention or she borrowed some self-help tapes from the library. Anyway, it's not important that they were howling (I mean...it is, but that aspect was more intriguing at 5 am this morning). Instead, let's examine exactly why these two fluffy bundles of chaos decided to open their faces so early in the morning. (No, I'm not upset, but it would be nice to have some information that puts them in a more favorable light as I do have to spend the next week babysitting them)
1. It was a full moon
Ok, so I'm not implying that they're werewolves, but lunar events have been known to make people and animals behave in strange ways. Some studies have shown that pets engage in more risky behavior, and owners make more vet visits for said risky pets during lunar cycles. Last night wasn't a full moon, but they're inside. They might not have known that.
2. Alerting us to intruders
The basic function of dogs, to protect house and family. My dogs have never been much of attack dogs (unless drowning someone in "kisses" and doggie saliva counts), but they have both been very good at barking at sounds they hear. They wouldn't actually do anything about the noises they bark out, especially if they see something or someone to whom those noises belong to, but there is a first thing for everything. Last night was dark, maybe their nightly defense is howling manically at the top of their little doggie lungs.
3. Bad dreams
People dream; dogs dream. So people = dogs...well, not exactly. But dogs have been known to dream. I don't know what goes on during these dreams, but if you own a dog, have you ever looked over at little Fluffy Nutterkins or Sparky Oswald and seen his/her legs jerking coupled with crazy lip twitching? (No, in case you were wondering...I did not use my own pet names in that example. It's Basil and Mustard, if you must know) Maybe they were having a synonymous nightmare, both trapped in some creation of their minds (a food shortage, no yard time, isolation...eerily similar to prison problems). I have heard Mustard (the beagle) bark in her sleep before. If they were both having the same nightmare (let's assume they were) then if they both started howling, this slightly unrealistic reasoning could be possible. Possible...not probable.
4. Really have to pee
We take them outside before we put them in their bed for the night so they can do their business (here, bed is just a nice way of saying their cage or kennel...which is big enough for the both of them to sleep comfortably). When I get up in the morning, usually whenever they start barking (let's say 9ish, they've been extremely slack lately), I take them outside and just chill with them in the house until they have to relieve themselves or it's their meal time. Lets say I choose not to let them out as soon as they start barking; it get's worse. Their barking will eventually turn into some long, drawn-out, pathetic howls as they vie desperately for my attention. I don't make them suffer for fun; sometimes I'm just out of it in the morning. But maybe this is something they do everyday in the wee hours of the morning. I try to make it a habit not to be awake at 5 am, so maybe this is a routine thing I just don't know about.
5. Victory howl
"It was a crazy night, both of us asleep in our holding cell. All of a sudden Basil has an epileptic fit and goes into cardiac arrest. I've never had any lifesaving skills training! Instead, in my quick thinking, I repeatedly pounced on (what I think might have been) her heart. She stopped twitching and slowly opened her snout and coughed up part of a chew toy I didn't know we owned. She stood up, shook out her fur, and gave me a grin of gratitude. Because our cheap owners wouldn't spring for an alarm clock, we didn't know it was so stinkin' early in the morning and let out victory howls (I mean, she was ok...isn't that worth celebrating?)" Obviously, this is what was running through Mustard's head last night. If I was a dog, I would hope that something epic would happen at 5am...so this is the one I think I'm going to agree with.
So I didn't write this just to complain (even though I found it quite pleasant to share my small discomfort with you). I guess I just don't understand dogs. They can be cute, loyal, crazy, annoying, loving, and (insert your own adjective here), but not so easy to deal with all the time. It's for this very reason that, one day in the near future, I'm going to purchase one of the best pets ever! Our life together will be fantastic and not overrated at all...mainly because hedgehogs don't wake you up at 5 am by howling. Descented skunks are pretty snazzy too. Who knows? As long as it doesn't howl...
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
The Creepy Crawlies
It staggered across my carpet, possibly with a limp. Was it injured? Maybe. However, disabled or not, I had no mercy. It had caught me off guard. I staggered off my bed and threw out my arm, entrapping my water bottle, clenching it tightly in my right hand. With a steeled resolve, I steadied my arm and plunged the bottom of my water vessel downwards upon my foe. Lifting my makeshift weapon, I carefully peeled it off of the carpet and carried it to the bathroom. Lifting my bottle to the faucet, I grinned in triumph as my opponent, who was plastered to the bottom of said water bottle, was jettisoned down the drain in a torrent of rushing water. Epic battle? No. But that cockroach certainly didn't get the best of me this time.
What exactly is it about bugs, insects, spiders, roaches, creepy crawlies, and every other small creature that is advertised on Raid bottles that freaks us out a little? You don't have to have a phobia of spiders or cockroaches to not like them, in fact, most people don't. Your disdain of bugs doesn't make you an exception. Instead, you are like the millions of humans who own at least one can of bug killer...you knowingly possess a (weak to strong) aversion to insects. I mean, it depends on the type of insect. Butterflies probably don't bug you as much as a palmetto bug or a wolf spider, but that's not the point.
The point is, why don't we favor insects? From what I hear, they can be quite beneficial to the ecosystem. Ok, maybe not your personal ecosystem. A ton of roaches running all over your bedroom won't give you warm fuzzies or any encouraging thoughts about how they are supposedly awesome for our planet (are they? goodness knows I just makes this stuff up...). So, let's look at this from a slightly analytical point of view. Why don't we like bugs?
1. Hairy
So who likes looking at an object completely covered in hair? Aside from puppies, kittens, chipmunks, otters, Bambi, Pooh, and other cute woodland creatures, it's quite difficult to find a cute animal covered in hair/fur. Even relatives with too much facial and body hair can be repulsive and creepy, so why not bugs? When that granddaddy longlegs starts to resemble Uncle Steve, I'd be a bit wary of it too (the spider and the unlce).
2. Tiny
Ok, many people are scared of tiny things: thimbles, feathers, rain drops, blades of grass, and mushrooms. So what if cockroaches are tiny? So are millipedes, spiders, mosquito, and every other greatly feared insect out there...oh, wait.
3. Lots of eyes...
You know those "nerds" who were made fun of in gradeschool for having "four eyes"? (Hopefully you weren't one of these nerds, but if you were, you have my sincere apologies. I never liked those boring children with only two eyes...) Well, this rule of thumb explains why such torment happened to bespectacled children everywhere. When children/adults/people encounter something that is different and/or able to see better then they can, it makes us jealous. When jealous, we tend to lash out with words, physical acts of violence, and cans of bug spray. Hope this enlightens you a bit.
4. Ugly
Do I really need to explain this one? Nobody likes a bug with a case of the uglies, and in most cases this would apply to every bug (except butterflies and ladybugs, you know, the girly bugs. Guy bugs deserve to die). Moving on...
5. Hard to kill
So let's say that you have a nightmare about a hairy, bespectacled man who is chasing you around. No matter what you throw, shoot, spray towards/on this guy, he refuses to die. Wouldn't you be a bit scared of him? Have you tried to kill a roach lately? Do you understand why they might be a little intimidating to behold and deal with?!
6. Antisocial
In psychology class this semester we learned about how people with antisocial personality behavior disorders are those individuals commonly referred to as "sociopaths". When you approach a bug, if you dare, 9 out of 10 times they run for the hills. Not very social, are they? Well, if antisocial people become tomorrow's serial killers, what about those antisocial insects out there? What are they gonna do? Not a very bright and cheerful future for them, huh?
All of this analyzing and surmising is not to prove that I am afraid of bugs, insects, and all things small and hairy. I approached that roach tonight with malice in my heart and the flaming fire of justice burning brightly in my eyes. Needless to say, I was victorious in my insect encounter despite all of the odds against me (aka reasons 1-6 explaining logical reasons on why any rational individual has a right to be wary and a tiny bit terrified of the traditional insect that crosses their path at one in the morning).
However, this does not explain phobias and those crazy irrational fears of spiders and roaches. If you are one of those individuals who believes that roaches are out to take over the world or that spiders are lurking around every corner waiting to jump on you and bite your nose...yeah, this post is not for you. All I am saying in this situation is that those of you who keep one eye peeled for the next opportunity that allows you to bring one more insect to a swift and just end (aka, slow and painful death that often involves a bug drowning in Raid), you guys and gals are not overrated in the slightest. Keep on killing those bugs, and don't feel foolish in your endeavors. With great amounts of bug killer comes great amounts of bug corpses.
What exactly is it about bugs, insects, spiders, roaches, creepy crawlies, and every other small creature that is advertised on Raid bottles that freaks us out a little? You don't have to have a phobia of spiders or cockroaches to not like them, in fact, most people don't. Your disdain of bugs doesn't make you an exception. Instead, you are like the millions of humans who own at least one can of bug killer...you knowingly possess a (weak to strong) aversion to insects. I mean, it depends on the type of insect. Butterflies probably don't bug you as much as a palmetto bug or a wolf spider, but that's not the point.
The point is, why don't we favor insects? From what I hear, they can be quite beneficial to the ecosystem. Ok, maybe not your personal ecosystem. A ton of roaches running all over your bedroom won't give you warm fuzzies or any encouraging thoughts about how they are supposedly awesome for our planet (are they? goodness knows I just makes this stuff up...). So, let's look at this from a slightly analytical point of view. Why don't we like bugs?
1. Hairy
So who likes looking at an object completely covered in hair? Aside from puppies, kittens, chipmunks, otters, Bambi, Pooh, and other cute woodland creatures, it's quite difficult to find a cute animal covered in hair/fur. Even relatives with too much facial and body hair can be repulsive and creepy, so why not bugs? When that granddaddy longlegs starts to resemble Uncle Steve, I'd be a bit wary of it too (the spider and the unlce).
2. Tiny
Ok, many people are scared of tiny things: thimbles, feathers, rain drops, blades of grass, and mushrooms. So what if cockroaches are tiny? So are millipedes, spiders, mosquito, and every other greatly feared insect out there...oh, wait.
3. Lots of eyes...
You know those "nerds" who were made fun of in gradeschool for having "four eyes"? (Hopefully you weren't one of these nerds, but if you were, you have my sincere apologies. I never liked those boring children with only two eyes...) Well, this rule of thumb explains why such torment happened to bespectacled children everywhere. When children/adults/people encounter something that is different and/or able to see better then they can, it makes us jealous. When jealous, we tend to lash out with words, physical acts of violence, and cans of bug spray. Hope this enlightens you a bit.
4. Ugly
Do I really need to explain this one? Nobody likes a bug with a case of the uglies, and in most cases this would apply to every bug (except butterflies and ladybugs, you know, the girly bugs. Guy bugs deserve to die). Moving on...
5. Hard to kill
So let's say that you have a nightmare about a hairy, bespectacled man who is chasing you around. No matter what you throw, shoot, spray towards/on this guy, he refuses to die. Wouldn't you be a bit scared of him? Have you tried to kill a roach lately? Do you understand why they might be a little intimidating to behold and deal with?!
6. Antisocial
In psychology class this semester we learned about how people with antisocial personality behavior disorders are those individuals commonly referred to as "sociopaths". When you approach a bug, if you dare, 9 out of 10 times they run for the hills. Not very social, are they? Well, if antisocial people become tomorrow's serial killers, what about those antisocial insects out there? What are they gonna do? Not a very bright and cheerful future for them, huh?
All of this analyzing and surmising is not to prove that I am afraid of bugs, insects, and all things small and hairy. I approached that roach tonight with malice in my heart and the flaming fire of justice burning brightly in my eyes. Needless to say, I was victorious in my insect encounter despite all of the odds against me (aka reasons 1-6 explaining logical reasons on why any rational individual has a right to be wary and a tiny bit terrified of the traditional insect that crosses their path at one in the morning).
However, this does not explain phobias and those crazy irrational fears of spiders and roaches. If you are one of those individuals who believes that roaches are out to take over the world or that spiders are lurking around every corner waiting to jump on you and bite your nose...yeah, this post is not for you. All I am saying in this situation is that those of you who keep one eye peeled for the next opportunity that allows you to bring one more insect to a swift and just end (aka, slow and painful death that often involves a bug drowning in Raid), you guys and gals are not overrated in the slightest. Keep on killing those bugs, and don't feel foolish in your endeavors. With great amounts of bug killer comes great amounts of bug corpses.
Monday, May 14, 2012
In Enemy Territory
Guys will never understand girls, and girls will never...wait, I can't finish that. Kidding...totally kidding. Aside from being created in the image of God, the male and female species (yes, I would consider us that different at times) operate on completely different levels. But, I don't need to explain that to you, infants are born knowing that. So aside from the obvious differences (this is not anatomy class...quick recap) females think, act, and respond to life in a way that is unique to their gender alone. Because I do not actually have experience from a male's mindset (a 50 year-old black characterization in a play one time doesn't really count), I have decided that I would grant all you males out there with a golden opportunity; a small and terrifying glance into the mind and behavior of women everywhere. Hopefully this will illuminate some confusing things and answer some questions about why we are the way we are. However, if you are one of those self-proclaimed "enlightened" males out there who understand women better than they understand themselves, pretend for the duration of this post that you are like every other clueless guy out there. Sit back, and enjoy the ride (please fasten your seat belts and return food tables to their upright positions; worst case scenario...air sickness bags are located under your seat).
1. Hormonal is our middle name
See, I'm starting with the basics. Call it emotions, hormones, pms, a bad day, whatever...the point here is that we can mood swing like it's no one's business. Obvious, I know, but I'm just calling it how it is. This is a fact to about 99.34% of females out there at one point in their lives, so isn't it just a relief that I'm starting by openly declaring that females can be emotional wrecks at times? Contrary to popular belief, this is harder than it looks and (at times) takes some serious talent to pull off. But hey, we always have a reason to change our mood at the drop of a hat. Maybe our cat died. Maybe we got no sleep because we were trying to finish that last project before finals. Maybe that music professor took the last strawberry from the fruit line...you never know. You think we can be scary? Just wait till pregnancy hits...(and it will....like a semi doing 80 coming off of an exit ramp).
2. Independent when the situation demands
Don't get me wrong, chivalry is a very good thing. While in our society it's on life support, it's good to know that it's still alive. I appreciate guys stepping up as much as the next girl, but if I get to the door first...am I supposed to just give it up without a fight? Basically, while most females enjoy being taken care of, we can be resilient and independent. We can drive (ok...I'm working on that one, don't judge me), work, study, lift heavy things...the whole nine yards. Again, I'm not bashing you chivalrous males out there, this is just a reminder that as females, we can do things for ourselves and like to prove it at times...usually when it's most inconvenient to you.
3. When angry, communication takes a hike
I think every male out there knows this one. When burning with the fiery rage of a thousand suns, we do not like to discuss why we are mad at you. Obviously, if we know why we are upset, you should know what you did to make us that way. Personally, I have problems communicating on a regular basis anyway (like many females out there, which is why we "drop hints" like it's nobody's business), so just take this weak skill and divide it by the language capacity of a 4 year old. Yup, that's us when we are mad. (I mean simplified of course, I'd hate for any person out there to think that females are actually capable of throwing tantrums when we are angry...).
4. We over-analyze...everything.
Duh. Many of our problems, "stressors", worries, aggravations, and much more can be traced back to this womanly trait. You think it's a pain? Well, we don't care for it too much either. It may come as a surprise, but it's not very enjoyable to spend unnecessary time and effort recalling and analyzing every little thing that our friends, sisters, brothers, parents, crushes, boyfriends, roommates, ect. said that we can find a double meaning in (and trust me, we can and we will find hidden meanings in everything). If it can be thought, spoken, or physically acted out...it can be over-anaylzed.
5. Romantics at heart
This sounds simple, but it's a little more complex than you may think. Yes, many girls are romantics but not always classified as "contemporary romantics" (chick flicks, romance novels, and candy on Valentine's Day). What makes one girl swoon may make another roll her eyes and laugh at you, not with you (yes, despite what your parents may have told you...there is a difference). Here, the best advice I can give is to figure out what makes us tick, so to speak. Is it flowers, poems, stuffed taxidermy, time, money, pick-up lines, or compliments? Well, I guess that's for each girl to know and for you to find out. Sounds like someone has homework to do...
6. Tougher than we look
This point is to debunk some of those myths classically associated with our gender. Not every girl is afraid of bugs, spiders, snakes, airplane food, mismatched clothes, homeless vagrants, science, and mud. Sure, there are various members of my gender who fit into those categories (and ladies, if you do...no shame, in fact, more power to ya'), but let's not approach the female species as if every female has a life-related phobia. Some girls are scared of everything while others are fearless. We're like pillow-pets, found in similar shapes and molds, but ultimately destined to be treated differently by children everywhere. Wait...
*insert point to all of this madness*...oh wait, there really wasn't one. Instead of pulling out some sort of moral or analogy on how we're all created different and beautifully, I think I'll just point out that guys will never actually figure us out. Sorry guys. While these 6 points might help or educate you to an extent (a very shallow extent, but an extent non-the-less...hey, a kiddie-pool is still considered a pool), the female mind is a bit more complex than this. Of course, that road goes both ways. We may think that we know what guys think, feel, like, ect...but we're usually just as clueless as you are. However, females will always believe that we possess special knowledge into the male mind. So guys, if you want to get on our good sides, just let us keep deluding ourselves. When we inform you that we understand your gender, just nod your heads and smile. Positive reinforcement, especially to females, is very "in" this year and won't be overrated...at least not anytime soon.
1. Hormonal is our middle name
See, I'm starting with the basics. Call it emotions, hormones, pms, a bad day, whatever...the point here is that we can mood swing like it's no one's business. Obvious, I know, but I'm just calling it how it is. This is a fact to about 99.34% of females out there at one point in their lives, so isn't it just a relief that I'm starting by openly declaring that females can be emotional wrecks at times? Contrary to popular belief, this is harder than it looks and (at times) takes some serious talent to pull off. But hey, we always have a reason to change our mood at the drop of a hat. Maybe our cat died. Maybe we got no sleep because we were trying to finish that last project before finals. Maybe that music professor took the last strawberry from the fruit line...you never know. You think we can be scary? Just wait till pregnancy hits...(and it will....like a semi doing 80 coming off of an exit ramp).
2. Independent when the situation demands
Don't get me wrong, chivalry is a very good thing. While in our society it's on life support, it's good to know that it's still alive. I appreciate guys stepping up as much as the next girl, but if I get to the door first...am I supposed to just give it up without a fight? Basically, while most females enjoy being taken care of, we can be resilient and independent. We can drive (ok...I'm working on that one, don't judge me), work, study, lift heavy things...the whole nine yards. Again, I'm not bashing you chivalrous males out there, this is just a reminder that as females, we can do things for ourselves and like to prove it at times...usually when it's most inconvenient to you.
3. When angry, communication takes a hike
I think every male out there knows this one. When burning with the fiery rage of a thousand suns, we do not like to discuss why we are mad at you. Obviously, if we know why we are upset, you should know what you did to make us that way. Personally, I have problems communicating on a regular basis anyway (like many females out there, which is why we "drop hints" like it's nobody's business), so just take this weak skill and divide it by the language capacity of a 4 year old. Yup, that's us when we are mad. (I mean simplified of course, I'd hate for any person out there to think that females are actually capable of throwing tantrums when we are angry...).
4. We over-analyze...everything.
Duh. Many of our problems, "stressors", worries, aggravations, and much more can be traced back to this womanly trait. You think it's a pain? Well, we don't care for it too much either. It may come as a surprise, but it's not very enjoyable to spend unnecessary time and effort recalling and analyzing every little thing that our friends, sisters, brothers, parents, crushes, boyfriends, roommates, ect. said that we can find a double meaning in (and trust me, we can and we will find hidden meanings in everything). If it can be thought, spoken, or physically acted out...it can be over-anaylzed.
5. Romantics at heart
This sounds simple, but it's a little more complex than you may think. Yes, many girls are romantics but not always classified as "contemporary romantics" (chick flicks, romance novels, and candy on Valentine's Day). What makes one girl swoon may make another roll her eyes and laugh at you, not with you (yes, despite what your parents may have told you...there is a difference). Here, the best advice I can give is to figure out what makes us tick, so to speak. Is it flowers, poems, stuffed taxidermy, time, money, pick-up lines, or compliments? Well, I guess that's for each girl to know and for you to find out. Sounds like someone has homework to do...
6. Tougher than we look
This point is to debunk some of those myths classically associated with our gender. Not every girl is afraid of bugs, spiders, snakes, airplane food, mismatched clothes, homeless vagrants, science, and mud. Sure, there are various members of my gender who fit into those categories (and ladies, if you do...no shame, in fact, more power to ya'), but let's not approach the female species as if every female has a life-related phobia. Some girls are scared of everything while others are fearless. We're like pillow-pets, found in similar shapes and molds, but ultimately destined to be treated differently by children everywhere. Wait...
*insert point to all of this madness*...oh wait, there really wasn't one. Instead of pulling out some sort of moral or analogy on how we're all created different and beautifully, I think I'll just point out that guys will never actually figure us out. Sorry guys. While these 6 points might help or educate you to an extent (a very shallow extent, but an extent non-the-less...hey, a kiddie-pool is still considered a pool), the female mind is a bit more complex than this. Of course, that road goes both ways. We may think that we know what guys think, feel, like, ect...but we're usually just as clueless as you are. However, females will always believe that we possess special knowledge into the male mind. So guys, if you want to get on our good sides, just let us keep deluding ourselves. When we inform you that we understand your gender, just nod your heads and smile. Positive reinforcement, especially to females, is very "in" this year and won't be overrated...at least not anytime soon.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
My Hairy Children
So let's say you started reading this post because of the title. I can't blame you for being curious/a little disgusted by the idea that I have children. Yup. Kids are scary. If I really did have children, let alone hairy ones, I don't know what I would do with them. If they were overflowing with body hair in an extreme, and probably grotesquely impressive fashion, I suppose they could come in handy. This is not to say that I want Chewbacca-children...but you're supposed to love your kids no matter what, right? I mean, depending on the number of children, coloration of the fur...I mean hair, blood type of said "child", and type of hair (be them shaggy or silky) I would figure out something constructive to do with them. With a large amount of child hair, the innovations I could create would be pretty wondrous and amazing (and perhaps a tiny bit disturbing). Let's find out, shall we?
1. Blankets for the homeless
I have nothing against volunteering and donating to the needy, so why not get my kids involved? With their abundance of flowing locks and the amount of geriatric talent in nursing homes these days, I'm sure something could be done for such communities as the homeless and less fortunate. I'm sure there are some champion knitters and loom weavers tired of resting in their resting homes, itching to take up their needles again and fight the battle against stiff fingers and inflamed pelvis' (not sure why I added "pelvis'" but I'm sure they inflame too...). So, after my kids are shaved for the week, I can drive some of their pristine hair to the Bingo clubs and retirement homes for the old ones to go to town with. The sweaters, blankets, parkas, afghans, and turtle-necks produced from such weaving can all go to charity. Helping others, one haircut at a time...what a life.
2. Inspirational speaking
While my kids are young and have no idea what English and intelligible speech is, I can help others by using them as props at parenting and self-help seminars. Trying to quit smoking? What if I brought my 3 fuzzy children and declared that I smoked while I was pregnant with them, resulting in excessive and irreversible hair growth...would you be scared enough to quit? Or, say your kids don't wanna eat their veggies? What if your 2 ten-year olds met my kids, who supposedly never as much as a single carrot in their live, resulting in their uncontrollable transformation into baby werewolves? Think your kids might start wolfing down their vegetables? I'm 'lycan the sound of that...(sorry, bad werewolf joke).
3. Organic clothing
I'm all about saving money and doing the "environmentally friendly" thing, so why now do both? I call it organic clothing. Hairy kids need haircuts and clothes (cause the only thing more disturbing than hairy children is naked hairy children), so let's combine the two. After I, or that lovely person I hire, trims my children for their weekly haircut, I can collect said hair and make clothes. I'm no seamstress, but I'm sure I could pull something together...or I can contact some 4-H girls who live nearby and want to earn a badge or award (whatever those kids earn these days for practicing womanly skills and such housewifery) in sewing. My kids may not need extensions with all that fluff they're covered in, but they're gonna have some fabulous weaves.
4. Cosmetology dummies
The term "dummies" here is not to insult the intelligence of my children/future children/future fuzzy children. I suppose I could use a less condoning term such as "model" or "assistant"...but I am immature and I like the word dummy. I could rent out my children to local cosmetology schools for them to expand and sharpen their hair styling techniques, and my children would be returned to me (ideally) with slightly more manageable hair. Yes, they would still be walking stuff animals, but with all of that hair, why let it go to waste?
5. Human mops
So as a mom, hypothetically of course, I'm going to need to keep house and maintain a clean living environment. Obviously my kids are going to assist me in household chores (that's what kids are for, like Santa's elves without the pointy ears and cherry dispositions). So, because they're covered in so much hair and they have to bathe eventually...why not combine two tasks? They can run, roll, tumble, be dragged through my house covered in suds...like natural human mops. Eventually they'll dry and so will my floors. It's a win-win. And, when dry, they can also double as dusters. As children (rambunctious and flexible) they should be able to reach those small dusty spots in my house that I miss when manually dusting the old-fashion way.
6. Practical jokes
A bit selfish of me? Absolutely. But think about it. Wouldn't it be funny when some teenage hooligans are camping out in the woods with their friends for the weekend and then a couple of hairy children (resembling Big Foot or some another freakishly hairy person) run screaming through their campsite? The chaos and bladder-failure that would ensue as a result would no doubt be worth the 30ish minute drive out there...not to mention the potential haunted houses and overall "prankage" potential for co-workers and annoying family members such camping scares could inspire.
Would you believe that the title of this post was inspired by the two hairy children I spend my days babysitting? Well, maybe children is the wrong term here, but my beagle and poodle certainly act like little fuzzy kids sometimes. Two crazy, loud, fuzzy children...a barrel-full of laughs, let me tell you. I know that some of the ideas I suggest (if I did have a few fur-encrusted kids to call my own) seem a bit harsh. However, I sincerely deny any realistic aspect of this post in general. So don't overreact, cause that's just overrated. I mean, c'mon...we both know that I'm not having kids.
1. Blankets for the homeless
I have nothing against volunteering and donating to the needy, so why not get my kids involved? With their abundance of flowing locks and the amount of geriatric talent in nursing homes these days, I'm sure something could be done for such communities as the homeless and less fortunate. I'm sure there are some champion knitters and loom weavers tired of resting in their resting homes, itching to take up their needles again and fight the battle against stiff fingers and inflamed pelvis' (not sure why I added "pelvis'" but I'm sure they inflame too...). So, after my kids are shaved for the week, I can drive some of their pristine hair to the Bingo clubs and retirement homes for the old ones to go to town with. The sweaters, blankets, parkas, afghans, and turtle-necks produced from such weaving can all go to charity. Helping others, one haircut at a time...what a life.
2. Inspirational speaking
While my kids are young and have no idea what English and intelligible speech is, I can help others by using them as props at parenting and self-help seminars. Trying to quit smoking? What if I brought my 3 fuzzy children and declared that I smoked while I was pregnant with them, resulting in excessive and irreversible hair growth...would you be scared enough to quit? Or, say your kids don't wanna eat their veggies? What if your 2 ten-year olds met my kids, who supposedly never as much as a single carrot in their live, resulting in their uncontrollable transformation into baby werewolves? Think your kids might start wolfing down their vegetables? I'm 'lycan the sound of that...(sorry, bad werewolf joke).
3. Organic clothing
I'm all about saving money and doing the "environmentally friendly" thing, so why now do both? I call it organic clothing. Hairy kids need haircuts and clothes (cause the only thing more disturbing than hairy children is naked hairy children), so let's combine the two. After I, or that lovely person I hire, trims my children for their weekly haircut, I can collect said hair and make clothes. I'm no seamstress, but I'm sure I could pull something together...or I can contact some 4-H girls who live nearby and want to earn a badge or award (whatever those kids earn these days for practicing womanly skills and such housewifery) in sewing. My kids may not need extensions with all that fluff they're covered in, but they're gonna have some fabulous weaves.
4. Cosmetology dummies
The term "dummies" here is not to insult the intelligence of my children/future children/future fuzzy children. I suppose I could use a less condoning term such as "model" or "assistant"...but I am immature and I like the word dummy. I could rent out my children to local cosmetology schools for them to expand and sharpen their hair styling techniques, and my children would be returned to me (ideally) with slightly more manageable hair. Yes, they would still be walking stuff animals, but with all of that hair, why let it go to waste?
5. Human mops
So as a mom, hypothetically of course, I'm going to need to keep house and maintain a clean living environment. Obviously my kids are going to assist me in household chores (that's what kids are for, like Santa's elves without the pointy ears and cherry dispositions). So, because they're covered in so much hair and they have to bathe eventually...why not combine two tasks? They can run, roll, tumble, be dragged through my house covered in suds...like natural human mops. Eventually they'll dry and so will my floors. It's a win-win. And, when dry, they can also double as dusters. As children (rambunctious and flexible) they should be able to reach those small dusty spots in my house that I miss when manually dusting the old-fashion way.
6. Practical jokes
A bit selfish of me? Absolutely. But think about it. Wouldn't it be funny when some teenage hooligans are camping out in the woods with their friends for the weekend and then a couple of hairy children (resembling Big Foot or some another freakishly hairy person) run screaming through their campsite? The chaos and bladder-failure that would ensue as a result would no doubt be worth the 30ish minute drive out there...not to mention the potential haunted houses and overall "prankage" potential for co-workers and annoying family members such camping scares could inspire.
Would you believe that the title of this post was inspired by the two hairy children I spend my days babysitting? Well, maybe children is the wrong term here, but my beagle and poodle certainly act like little fuzzy kids sometimes. Two crazy, loud, fuzzy children...a barrel-full of laughs, let me tell you. I know that some of the ideas I suggest (if I did have a few fur-encrusted kids to call my own) seem a bit harsh. However, I sincerely deny any realistic aspect of this post in general. So don't overreact, cause that's just overrated. I mean, c'mon...we both know that I'm not having kids.
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